Drained

[moparlicious]

Hello my friends,

I had technical difficulties and had to delete my account and start a new one, but I am back. 2 nights ago my husbands uncle(my uncle by marriage) killed himself, he was in his 50's. This last 1 1/2 yrs I have lost my husband, my best friend, my grandmother. Had a battle with kids and myself illnesses, had a house fire,and now our uncle has passed. I am so drained I am beginning to wear down, I cannot take anymore. I have so many mixed emotions regarding our uncles passing. I am deeply saddened by this, but another part of me is angry.Uncle Bobbys death has nothing to do with Dan dying, and I am not saying this death will bring Dan back, but I think his suicide was a selfish act and why is it he choose to kill himself yet Dan fought so hard to live. He wanted to die yet Dan wanted nothing more than to live, the choice was not ours and he died. I hope I am making sense. I am riding this emotional roller coaster and I am confused and heartbroken. Does this ever end??? I am distraught and deeply crushed. Uncle Bobby is my mother in laws only brother, as Dan was her only son. They want to have his memorial at the same church I had Dan's, I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with going. My niece says it is only a church , I don't feel this way. I have also been told not to be mad at Uncle Bobby for killing himself, yet he was healthy and had been given the choice of life, yet he ended it. People who have not gone through this do not understand, this is so hard for me and I cannot explain it to them to understand what I go through. I just sit and sob and pray. Thanks for listening, love you guys. Love, Kim

[David'sGirlStill]

Hi Kim,

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I wish I had some magic words to say to make it better even a little bit. But I don't. Just know you are not alone, we are here for you.

As far as your anger. All I can say is Anger is a normal part of grief. And my Dad took his own life, I wasn't angry at the time BUT when my David passed and fought so hard to stay. I felt anger towards my Dad for throwing it away. Not sure if my feelings were right but i felt them So, i think you have a right to your's.

Love

Phyllis

[teny]

Dear Kim I understand how you feel I understand your anger .I wish there was a way for people that dont want their life to be able to give it to smeone who is fightign to live.When I lost Yiany I wanted to end my life but I also knew that I would give pain to my family and that is realy a selfish act.I also understand you dont want to go to the same church. I would not be able to go either.Send some flowers and dont go.You have your grief very fresh and you dont need to add another pain.Love from far away .TENY

[kayc]

My dear sweet Kim

My heart really goes out to you. I know you have had way more than your share, I don't even know how you've survived except sometimes we don't have a choice, we just have to keep going. You are right, suicide is a selfish act. He must have had a lot of internal pain to want to do that. Sometimes our pain is so great we can't think of anyone/anything else, and that must have been where he was at...I know I would have commit suicide when George died if it hadn't been for my beliefs/faith, my kids, my sisters. Who can say why someone ends their life. It isn't fair that there are those who want to die and others who want so much to live and aren't given that choice. You are entitled to your feelings of anger, but try to temper it with empathy too. The whole family is going to be hurting, so it's best if you don't display your anger to them, but share it with us and others who aren't close to him. All I can say is, he wasn't, obviously, as strong or grounded as you. Some friends of mine lost their son to suicide a few years ago, it was terribly hard for them to deal with it, they had to get counseling to help them through it. He was severely depressed and undergoing treatment but felt he couldn't go on any longer. They did everything they could to help him and it wasn't their fault in any way. I remember his sister was very angry with him, he left her without a sibling, and a month before she was getting married, and at the same time his dad's family business was going down. You're right, it's selfish. But I like to think I'll see Bobby again, and when I do, he will be whole inside and out, for I knew him all his life and I don't know why he suffered so much with depression, he had everything going for him. But that's just how it is sometimes, we don't understand it...my mom is mentally and emotionally very ill, always has been, but someday she will also be healthy inside and out and free from her inner torment.

George's service was held at the church we always attended, and for the longest time it was hard for me to go there, but I'm finally okay with it now, it took over three years. I would just see his face sitting out there, looking at me (I was always up front, on the worship team, choir, ensembles, etc.), my biggest fan and admirer, and it seemed so hard to see someone else sitting in his spot, and not see him there. I pray you get through this...if you feel you can't attend, don't. Surely people will understand, it's hard to attend funerals when you've lost your spouse, if you're not up to it, don't go. Send your condolences to the family another way.

We're here for you Kim, we love you and are behind you all the way, no matter how you choose to deal with it.

Love,

Kay

[MartyT]

Oh my dear Kim, I'm so very sorry to learn this tragic news. And dear Kay, I find your response to Kim to be right on point. As all of you have noted, it's only human for all of us to be downright furious to think that someone could simply throw his life away when our loved ones fought so hard to hold onto it. But suicide is ever so much more complicated than that, and as Kay says, right now we need to keep our focus on the ones who've been left behind ~ the ones who are mourning in the wake of this tragic death. I also agree with Kay that if ever there is a time when you don't have to go to a funeral, Kim, it's now. There are many other ways to offer your condolences to the family. See some of the articles and resources listed on the Suicide Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site. See especially this article by Alan Wolfelt: Helping a Suicide Survivor Heal. And read it only with the understanding that you can do only what you feel capable of doing right now, and let it be enough. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

[marsha]

Kim - my heart goes out to you so much - you've had more on your plate that anyone, and I've been hoping and praying for you. I don't know what to say about suicide. I know the thought has crossed all of our widow minds at one point or another, but it's a reaction to our grief. A friend came in the other day and said that one of his friends committed suicide, also - but he had just spoken to him the day before and he was talking about coming down to the beach and going fishing. What really goes on in our minds? A lot that we don't share with others, I guess. And what anger and questions and guilt are left behind.. You're in my prayers, Kim - Love, Marsha

[moparlicious]

Hi all,

thanks for wonderful responses. It means so much to me that you understand and you understood every word and feeling, I felt so alone and people who have not gone through the deepest saddest grief like us, just dont seem to get it. I would never vent any anger to anyone in the family. I know they are in deep pain. Suicide makes no sense to me and I know I will never understand it, it leaves you with so many unanswered questions. As far as going to the church, I don't know yet, but my heart will guide me to do the right thing. Thank you for being here for me, I truly love you guys and I am so so blessed to have each and every one of you. I don't know if I would make it without you all. You guys are my inspiration and a loving family that give so much. Love, Kim

[Lily]

Dear Kim, I'm so sorry...I know that sometimes the grief and pain and sadness are so bad that you just want some relief, some rest, some peace...and

unless you're talking or being with someone that has gone or is going through the same kind of loss, there just seems to be no real understanding...no

comfort...and the darkness of the loneliness just is almost unbearable at times. Don't be angry at your uncle, Kim...I don't know the circumstances,

but maybe he, also, felt a desperation, a pain so bad that we can't penetrate and for him the only way to end his particular pain was to end his life.

I know that when Rich died, I did not want to live and many times I would say this, but people would always come back with something like "Oh you

have a long life ahead of you" or "God has a purpose for you"....so I just stopped talking. I realized that one of the reasons I was saying it aloud was

I so desperately wanted someone to help me with my pain and I thought I guess if I said it aloud they would understand how bad the pain was; but

they just shushed me and then I thought of how over the years when I'd heard someone had committed suicide, and I'd ask "how was he doing; was

he depressed? and the answered inevitably always was something to the effect - no, he seemed fine; we were watching tv last night and he was talking

normally; or no seemed ok, came over to visit last evening and brought the kids some candy; and then went home and committed suicide...and I

thought - they were asking us somehow to hear their pain and we didn't hear them, they seemed ok.

I think, KIm, you have to do what is best for you now. You don't need to go to the funeral; no one can possibly judge you harshly for that...and if

they do, then so be it; they don't really know you then, do they. You have so much to carry in your already broken heart, don't make it worse.

Take care of yourself. Lily

[moparlicious]

Thank you all for your love and support. Last night was the memorial, I did not go, sent his wife a card and that is all I can do right now, no more. I am not angry anymore, all these emotions so roller coaster, confusion, hurt and most of all sadness. I am trying to take one day at a time and continue to venture in this journey of whatever may be. I truly love you guys and thank you for holding my hand and heart every step of the way. Love, Kim :wub:

[LarrysGirl]

Kim, I'm so glad to hear you took care of YOURSELF. You've had more than enough stress and taking care of you is so important. Love you, Deborah

[kayc]

Kim,

I'm proud of you for sending a card to his wife. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for her...it's hard enough to lose our husband, but to have them take their own life...that's a huge lot to deal with. I think it was good that you didn't attempt to go to the service when you already have so much you are dealing with. I think deep down inside we know when we are at our limit and we need to protect ourselves from having more...we don't need to be superpeople and take on responsibility for the whole world and their problems, sometimes we need to hone in on our immediate family circle and what is going on within it. You were wise to do that.

I hope things start turning around for you soon. Don't ever feel you are a burden to any of us, we are all here for each other and you have become very dear to us, we care about you.

Love,

Kay

[JeanneC]

Dear Kim:

I am so sorry to hear about this latest news. Just so much that one person can handle. I know that you will be fine. Hang in there. You are a very strong person.

Love and God Bless

Jeanne

[WendyJ]

Kim that is such horrible news....one thing after another ! Please remember we are here for you if you need us and you will be in our thoughts and prayers !

Love Always,

Wendy

[kath]

Kim,

I am awed at the answers everyone has given you and amazed at the courage you have to take care of yourself. Listening to your own instincts is a gift you give yourself. Rest is another. When drained, rest. You deserve it. I can't add anything to what has been said, but know that you are in my prayers, along with all these other incredible "family" members.

Kath

[moparlicious]

Thank you thank you thank you........................ I was not going to post this, but after speaking to my dear friend KayC, she helped me to see , I really need to.I really need a huge prayer chain right now. I am so sorry for I keep on posting bad news after bad news, it just keeps coming my way. My 17 year old daughter takes medication ( she has different aliments) well, this medication has been giving her mini seizures and she has had them for many many months, but now she has had them for 3 weeks in a row( daily)After much insistance, I talked to the Dr. and finally convinced her to take her off of these meds. I now find out she may have neurological damage. Some mother I am, for I allowed Dr.'s to give these to her. My heart is so full of sadness right now and my guilt is heart breaking!!!!!! Thank you KayC for your thoughtfulness and advising me it is not my fault. So, please my dear friends............ her name is Missie and she is 17 years old, please everyone pray for my daughter. I love you all very much. When life seems to be so bleak and dark, I know I have all my HOV friends and I feel all your loving arms and hearts surround me to get me through another day. Love, Kim

[kayc]

Kim,

I will be praying for Missie (Wendy and I each have a Melissa!), please keep us posted on any changes with her.

You are family with us and family shares their needs, don't ever feel bad that you've had so much bad news to share, we're just sorry that's how things have gone for you and pray that soon the tide will change!

Love,

Kay