Hate This Feeling...

[MissingChris]

I lost the love of my life, my soulmate, & my best friend all in the same day when my husband Chris passed on April 9, 2009 from complications due to acute myelogenous leukemia. I feel like a part of my heart was ripped out. We were married for almost nine wonderful years, & I am so grateful for the time we had, but I am lonely & angry because he was taken from me so young (age 36). I am 14 years older than my husband, & I never thought I would be the one who had to experience the loss of my spouse. Even things like checking the word "widowed" on forms makes me nauseated. I couldn't sleep in our bed, so my boys & my daughter in law helped me to redo our bedroom with new furniture, candles & flowers, so I would have a sanctuary to relax & escape, but I still have trouble sleeping, & I hate silence in the room.

The past two years have been a whirlwind of plans, while he worked to put me through nursing school. A month before I graduated, he was diagnosed with AML, and five months later, he lost his battle & my life was turned around. We had so many things we were going to do when I got my degree & license, and now those dreams will never be realized. He was too ill to even come to my graduation, which depressed him very much. I know he was proud of me, & I want to continue to make him proud.

I went back to work this past week, but the whole time I was at work, I felt numb & wasn't enjoying my work at all, like I was before he passed & I still had hopes that he would recover, receive his bone marrow transplant, & our lives would continue as we had planned. Now when I am caring for my patients, I have too many reminders of Chris. I am dreading the day that I have a patient pass away, because I am not sure I can handle it. I would love to change the type of nursing I am doing, & work in labor & delivery (my eventual goal), but since I am a new graduate, I have to get a year experience as an RN before I can start working in my desired specialty. I am so afraid that his death will make it so stressful to work with sick adults that I will burn out on the career that I have dreamed about for many years & worked so hard to achieve.

My saving grace is my four children from my first marriage, who have been there for me constantly, & our four grandchildren, who can make me laugh in the midst of my grief. We also have wonderful friends who have been trying to help me & be there for me. But we all feel a terrible loss in our lives, and nothing seems right. I realize it's a new loss, & I have a long road ahead before I might possibly feel anywhere near normal again. I try to do things that we used to do together, because I know that is what he would want. But it never seems right, & the things we loved to do start out fun but end up bringing me to tears because I want him there with me doing them, too. I am so lost & so alone.

I am sorry for rambling, but I need to get my thoughts out & try to deal with them. As a nurse, I know what we tell our patients' families when they are dealing with the loss of a loved one, but I'm learning that we don't know what helps until we deal with it ourselves, & that dealing with grief is a personal thing. But I need help & advice from others who have been there...something none of my friends or family have experienced.

Thank you for any comments or help anyone can give.

Terre

[kath]

Dear Terre,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved, Chris. I'm glad you found this site and in time you will see that it is more than what you could have imagined. It has been a lifeline for many of us going through the same things. You are really new to this. I'm not quite at two years myself, but if I may be so bold as to suggest, I think this will make you a better nurse. Once the intense pain of our own hearts has lessened, it enables us to reach out with new understanding when we see pain and suffering. I'm happy you have the support of your family. I will pray for them as well as yourself, that you are all able to maintain good health and peace during the coming months.

Take good care,

Kath

[mlg]

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss and glad you found this website so early on.

You have already taken the biggest step of all as far as I am concerned and that is realizing that until you have been through it you have NO clue what it is like. I too am a nurse (an OLD one) and think how many times I thought I was being comforting and now realize I may have made things worse. The thing is I tried and I think we have to accept that of others too. Sometimes someone will say something to upset you but remember they may not have been through this journey. Even if they have each of walks to a different drummer because or our special relationship with our loved one.

I hope that work will one day be consoling to you, but especially if you are in a hosp. situation there may be things to make it really hard.

Keep enjoying your children and grandchildren. Be happy that you have supportive friends because a lot of us here have not found that to be true.

Keep coming here for support.

[Boo Mayhew]

Dear Terre

I am so sorry for your loss.

It's early days for you at the moment, so for now, it's enough to ensure that you sleep and eat (even if it's children's portions).

I know exactly what you mean about the silence. It sounds loud, doesn't it?

I really am sorry that this has happened, but I am glad that you found this Forum, because it has REALLY helped me.

So keep posting, okay?!!

[kayc]

Terre,

I'm so sorry you lost your husband, and especially so prematurely. You have found a good place to come to, this site has saved my life. Here you will find people who have also gone through this and understand what you go through.

If you are able to let it, your grieving process will help you be a better nurse and help you understand and be there for your patients in a more enriched way. This is the pain that none of us asked for nor wanted, but it is one that teaches us also.

I'm glad you have your kids and grandchildren, that is a special blessing.

Kay

[mrspapajohn]

Terre - - Please accept my deepest sympathy on your loss of Chris. It is hard to believe that anything could hurt that much or affect us so deeply - and so darkly. Many times I wondered how anyone could be so sad and still live. It is a long and hard journey that we have in front of us, but please don't think that anything you feel or do is crazy. It's not. It's normal and we have all been there and are mostly still there.

Also, please know that you are not alone. You will find much support and love on this site, I am so glad that you found us. Please keep posting and let us now how you are doing.

Kathy

[JeanneC]

Dear Terre:

I am very sorry for your loss, but you have definitely come to the right place. The loss of your husband is very new right now. There are many people here that are going through what you are. Some a little further along, but still there is pain for them. I don't think that ever goes away. I know how it feels when you have to fill a form out and it says "widow". That was very hard for me also. I was married for 15 years and with my husband for 20. In fact, today it is 10 months since he passed. It is nice that you have your children and grandchildren. It is something how children can make you laugh and just feel better, even for just a moment.

Please know that we all care and are here for you.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[timeless]

Terre,

I am so sorry for your loss. I do believe I can relate to you most of all because you lost a Chris, on April 9th at a young age. My husband just turned 46 in January. My Chris also had cancer, though it was throat cancer. A terrible, terrible illness. He was in great pain and lost the ability to talk. Chris' nickname was "Sir talks a lot" for a reason. It was agonizing for him. He took his last breath at a hospice unit and it was so fast that I was not there with him. I will regret that forever. I'm not a nurse, though I was pretty skilled after taking care of him for almost a year. He had a trach, peg tube and port, and it was me who had to do all for him. He hated it! He was always so independent.

I understand more than you know. My family cares, but will never be able to share the pain and grief that I (and you all) feel. Sometimes, it feels as if it will never get better. I am still dealing with the anger at God for taking him, anger at Chris for leaving me, anger at the world for going on without him. He was supposed to grow old with me. I want him back so bad that it's a physical ache that never goes away. I know, selfish. But he was my life. I am not older than him, as you are, but I met him at a young impressionable tender age of 19 and it was love at first sight. We always believed that we were destined to be together, so I am still confused as to why he is gone?

We had plans too, plans that will never happen now. Am I supposed to do them anyway? He made me promise to finish the book I'm writing, but the creativity has gone right out of me. How can you be creative when your heart is in shreds? I'm sorry, I'm probably not being much help to you. It was just such a shock to read the first sentence of your post. It was as if I had written it myself. I told my friend that that the number nine (Chris died 4/9/09 at 9:15 pm) would forever be a bad number for me. She told me that the number nine has the meaning 'the end of all things'. Numerology, or something. She was trying to be helpful, but it just made me sadder.

I hope you don't mind me identifying with you.

Carah

[MissingChris]

Thank you everyone for your comments & words of support. I am very glad I joined this group, because I really needed to talk with people who have been through the same kind of loss I have.

A special comment to Carah...we both lost our Chris's on the same day, and we are both starting on trying to live our lives without our soulmates. I don't mind you identifying with me, because I found myself identifying with a lot of the people on this forum. That day will forever be a sad day in our lives. My Chris died the day before my (our) daughter Rachael's 21st birthday, & I am hoping that she doesn't always think of her birthday with the memory of her father's death (he was her stepfather, but to her, he was Dad).

On a side note, I got a kitten on Monday, & I named him "Cuda", which was the nickname that Chris' friends gave him (he loved classic cars & always wanted a 1972 426 Hemi Cuda). He has already adopted me as his mom, & I think Chris is enjoying watching us! He is probably laughing now, because he always said that I would end up being the "crazy cat lady"...we already have two cats!

I also got a tattoo a week after he passed. He had always wanted a tattoo of an eagle, but was afraid of needles (kind of ironic, considering the number of needles he had to deal with in the hospital!). So my sons talked to their friend, who is a tattoo artist, and got me my tattoo. My oldest son Robert designed it and it's very special to me, because I feel like I have him with me all the time. It says "soaring with angels" because I believe that is where he is now. It actually brought me comfort in some ways.

Terre

[JeanneC]

Terre:

I think that is great that you got a kitten. When I used to come home from the hospital after visting Alex, I had my two cats to comfort me. I don't have any childtren and all my family and friends live either hours or miles away.

My husband also hated needles, that's why he never went to the doctor; and it is ironic that he had to endure all those needles for 5 months.

Well they are both in peace from the pain and needles.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[timeless]

Thank you so much Terre. I wasn't sure how you would feel, sharing your love's name and date with me. And to lose them both so young. I had 28 years with him, but now it just doesn't feel long enough...not nearly long enough.

Cats can be so comforting. I should know, I have 6! The youngest is a bottle baby....Chris's baby. I named him Fisher. Chris's all time favorite thing to do was fish. He was only two days old when I brought him home. (I save abandoned kittens), and took to Chris like glue. He cared for the kitten until he couldn't anymore. Fisher is now four weeks old and is doing wonderfully. I am sure Chris has something to do with that.

My Chris didn't mind needles. He 'slept' through his tattoo. I passed out through mine. lol Chris had a dragon tattoo, as do I. He got it to match mine, which now has made mine that much more precious to me. Our older son (18) is having a tattoo put on that says, "Love you dad, 4/9/09". He plans on the same for when it's my turn to leave this earth. Silly, sweet boy.