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Falling Apart


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It's been almost four weeks since my dad died, and I'm slowly falling to pieces. I was out of the U.S. when he died; in fact, I've been out of the U.S. since Sept 2008, so I never really got to see him before he went. If I had realized what was happening, maybe I could have gotten back to the U.S. in time. The last time we talked on the phone, 5 days before he died, we didn't say much at all because he was so tired--why didn't I realize what was happening then, and go back to the U.S.? My mom even said they had gotten him some morphine, why did I realize what was happening? I was trying not to wear him out on the phone, but I wish I had talked to him longer when I had the chance...

I was given two weeks' leave to go back to the U.S., so I spent that time helping my mom take care of things. My partner was able to take a week's sick leave, so she was with me for a week while I was in my hometown. I held it together for the most part for that time, mostly because someone had to get things done, and I couldn't make my mom clean out my dad's room, desk, closet, file cabinet...the hardest thing I've ever done is sort through my dad's desk. On one hand, he seemed to know he was running out time, because he made a list of all his passwords and instructions for the satellite TV for my mom and brother; on the other hand, he clearly wasn't ready because he'd just opened a new e-mail account, and he hadn't crossed everything off his "to do" list yet. I couldn't make myself throw away that list, even though it is killing me that two of the items on it have to do with my job and the country in which I'm living. My mom asked me to close down some of his e-mail accounts, but I haven't been able to make myself do that, either.

I don't know, now I'm out of the U.S. again, completely by myself. It was a little boring before (I'm in a remote desert town, too hot to venture outside during the daytime, I spend a lot of time in my room), but now it is just torture. Today is a holiday here, so I am faced with a three-day weekend. I can't even really talk to my partner via webcam, the internet is so unreliable. I feel like I spend all my time either crying, or trying not to cry. I feel alternately shattered and empty, devastated and numb. I'm basically counting the days until my work is done (two and a half months), I hope this will be easier when I get home.

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JR

please let me tell you how terribly sorry I am that you have lost your Dad and that you are hurting so much.

This place is sacred to me. You can say what you like, you get to learn that your feelings are normal and no one ever judges you for anything that you say or do. Please keep coming back to talk and to offload because it really does help.

Three things in your post really stood out for me.

1. your regrets about being away from the States. It is easy for me to say this because I am further down my "grieving journey" than you are ... but know this - guilt is part of grieving. I have given it my own label - I call it "unjustifiable guilt", but I do know just how real the guilt is when it "attacks" you. If you feel like reading it, here is my blog entry about my own guilt: http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/04/worst-demon.html. I would imagine too, that your Dad was immensely proud of you for working abroad and I hope that as time passes, you will hold onto that instead of the regret that you were away from home.

2. The "to do" list that you found. Please be gentle with yourself and don't throw away or give away anything that you are not ready to part with. It is bittersweet that your Dad had items on there that related to your work abroad. Bitter that you were both robbed of the chance to share that time together, but sweet that it was on his list, and it reflects how much he loved you and was proud of you.

3. Being alone. When my own Dad died, I was so lucky because I had my beautiful husband to help me through my grief. I hate that you have to be away from your own partner at this time. Does your work have a counselling facility that you could access? I can't imagine being in a room for that long with all that sadness on your own. If there is any form of help there, please take advantage of it.

I wish you strength,

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JR. My deepest sympathy and condolences to you. I am so sorry about your Dad, this sounds like an extremely difficult situation. My Mother passed away 6 weeks ago and honestly at times I feel like I am on the verge of breaking down as well. I think at this point all I can really say is you have found a wonderful place here with some deeply caring people who support each other. I come here often, do not post a lot, but read what others are experiencing and know that I am OK. This is grief and yes it hurts like hell. If you ever need someone to chat with please do not hesitate to email me if you feel like it. I am here just trying to make sense out of it all, with the rest.

Warmest Regards

Aries

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(((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))) to you JR. I'm so very sorry about your Dad.

Yes you have been through the wringer. Stepped up....in horrendous pain... and did some really difficult things for your Mom. And now.... it is all setting in and you are alone there.

Well... you're not alone now.

Please... talk to us. We know.... without doubt... what this feels like. We've been there.. got the shirt.. don't want it.. but got it anyway.

Any and all feelings are acceptable... so try not to judge them...

DO Express them,however, in any healthful way you can. Run or exercise (watch the heat though where you are) or scream into a pillow.. then punch the pillow... cry.... then cry some more. Tears are healing and can help us feel better. Write.. here or just anywhere .. in a notebook in an email to your beloved... just express those feelings.

And.... talk to Dad. He'll hear you.

But we are here for you so please keep us updated on how you are.

Glad you found us.. but so very sorry you had to.

leeann

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Dear all--thanks so much, it is good to hear voices other than my own in my head. I am truly alone out here, doing dissertation research in the desert of NW India. My closest American friend here is working in the capital city, a 12-hour train ride away, so I'm really just hanging on by myself.

I know my dad was proud of my work, he and my mom both told everyone about my fellowship, and every time I called, my dad told me he was going to live to see me finish my Ph.D. I hate that I couldn't get it done quickly enough for him to see it completed, and I hate that I accepted a 12-month fellowship that took me away from him so near the end of his life. I mean, I hate it for me, mostly. My guilt seems mostly selfish, I am crying about what I missed because of this time outside the U.S., not necessarily that he missed spending time with me, even though I think he would have wanted to have more time together.

I know people in the military must deal with this all the time, losing people back home when they are deployed on a mission. How do they not crack up in the end?

I'm trying to fill in the hours. It's hot here, so I can only really run at night. My work is not really holding my attention, so I spend most of the day just hanging on until the moment I can go outside. I've been crying while I run, too, though, so I'm not sure it's doing me much good. I listen to my MP3 player a lot, and I try to sleep a lot, although I'm not doing too well with that.

I threw away a lot of stuff of my dad's that I would have held onto, if it wasn't for my mom desire to purge his bedroom. One thing that surprised me, though, is how little stuff he really had. A couple of boxes of model railroad stuff, a lot of computer and satellite equipment, a few books, baseball caps, only a few trinkets... I guess some stuff is still out in the garage, tools, fishing poles, that kind of thing. Now, I don't know, was it always like that, did he always never have a lot of things, or did he get rid of a lot in the past few years? I'll never be able to ask. I pocketed a lighter than I had given him when I was a teenager--if I'd only known the grief that stupid lighter would cause me later in life--an electronic Sudoku game, his wallet, and two shirts. I held onto a few pages of his to do list, not sure why because I can't bring myself to look at them.

In a couple of weeks, I have to go to the capital city to take care of some university paperwork. I'm not looking forward to that energy drain, but at least I should be able to spend some time with my friend. That should help me get through the next month.

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JR,

I am at a very low spot again so I am sorry I don't have something to say that might help. I just wanted you to know I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and take good care of yourself. Although you are far from home and your loved ones..you are not alone.

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JR

I am so sorry you are going through all of this and are so remote from anything. A lot of us return to work and that helps take our minds off of it but when you are in the middle of a desert there isn't much else you can do but think.

Do you journal? A lot of people have found this to help and can see how far they have really come when they later go back and read it.

As far as your dad's "stuff", maybe that's all it was to him. Maybe he treasured what he had within more than the external things and that is what you will remember in the long run. You will remember the talks you had, maybe you played with those trains with him, maybe it will just be his laugh. I am sorry that your mother felt she had to get rid of everything right away because that deprived you of time to think and explore.

Our thoughts, prayers and well wishes all go out to you.

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Dear JR,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry that your situation is so very difficult and alone. I think it is very good that you are here, because the magic of this forum is that you feel less alone when you are here. We are all here for you. Please feel like you are surrounded by many, many shoulders upon which to cry. We are reaching hands holding onto yours.

Is there some way that you can call your partner? I know it is not the same as in-person, but it feels more personal than Internet, and that way you can hear a loving voice and also get a good listening ear.

Your dad is in your heart. It is sweet to be able to have belongings that were his, to remember him by, but you also have your memories, and knowing that your dad loved you. I think that, like others have said, his having you on his To-Do list is very significant and special. He loved you, and still loves you, very much. That love is not gone, it is still there. You will always have his love with you.

I can relate to your feeling of wishing you had finished the PhD sooner so he could see you do it. I feel like that about particular projects of mine I would have liked to share with my dad. What I try to think of, when working on my writing, is how much love and encouragement my dad gave me. In the end, it is about the feeling he had in me - his confidence in me. Had he been here to see me finish, he would say, "I knew you would do it."

Your dad was proud of you, he knew that you would finish it, I am sure that he had one-hundred-percent confidence in you, and that is what really counts: his feelings about you and your PhD, his encouragement and love.

I hope that you get to see that friend, and remember you are welcome here to come and vent or rage or anything, at any time.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

take care,

Chai

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Dear All, thank you again for listening, thanks especially to those who are in the same low spot that I am. I'm feeling pretty empty and silent right now, not a lot of words left to come out, it seems. I made it through the weekend. The next challenge is making it through the next week of research. It's a solitary job, but I managed to get through today's stack of papers, so I have hope for tomorrow.

One thing that made me feel better today was talking to my mom on the phone. She sounds like a completely different person. The caretaking was really hard on her and my brother (he lives with my parents), but I didn't realize how hard, really, until after my father died. I know my mother is grieving, but overall, I'd say is also just feeling relieved of a very heavy burden. I noticed while I was visiting that she seemed emotionally tired, but very, very relieved. She sounds a lot lighter on the phone. She can sleep through the night now, and although financially things are looking really tough for her, emotionally, I think she is going to be fine. Not so sure about my brother, he's a lot harder to read.

On weekday down, four to go. Thanks, everyone--JR

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I think this has been the worst day since coming back to India. I can't seem to stop crying, or, I stop for a few minutes, but the moment I stop moving, it starts all over again. I'm packing to move onto my next research site via the capital city. I know I should be looking forward to seeing my friends and eating some decent food, but I can't believe that I can't just go home and be with my family for awhile. It's not like I'm getting anything done here, really. I feel like taking this fellowship was the biggest mistake of my life, and no matter what happens with my career, it will never have been worth it. I didn't get to see my dad in person for almost a whole year before he died, and I can't believe he's not going to be there when they finally let me go home.

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JR

My heart goes out to you. :excl: I had such a similar situation with my dad - only he died on a business trip in another country. We received the phone call in the middle of the night and they couldn't even speak english to tell us. It then took me 10 days just to get his body back her from the american consulate...I too had to empty his desk, close out businesses, it was just horrible!! I too went through the guilt you are experiencing and it is so very normal. From listening to you, your dad and mom knew you loved them and he still does! Your dad would not want you to carry all of this..I tried to honor my dad's memory by doing what I felt he would wanted for me and when I did, I felt better and closer to him.

I have lost my husband 4 months ago and I am also in the middle of that severe pain you are experiencing. I keep reading on entries that time does help but I can't feel it yet. Please know that you are not alone and we can all help one another. You write when ever you need. There is great literature too, There is a book called widow to widow for your mom and if she or you could get to a griefshare support group.. that has also helped me. I also keep a journal and write, it is painful but I always feel better when I'm done. Try to sign up for they daily emails, they are a bright spot in the day to receive on your computer or phone.

We're here for you

laurie

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JR,

We all do things to please others. You wish you had done otherwise. But what else could you have done? I believe that you did your best for your Dad.I hope you can find solace in that. Right now it is just between your Dad and you. You did what you had to do to make him proud and thankfully for you, you are continuing with it.

Thanks,

Kavish

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