Angry

[Tea]

HI, my name is Tanya

I lost my husband june 17 2009. He was 35.He was diagnosed with leukemia dec 08. allen had chemo twice in vegas befor they sent him to are home town chicago for a stronger chemo. In may he began to cough and get fevers. Allen went to the doctor to get the third chemo and i told him to wait because it brings your immune system down but he got it anyway because he want to get back to us in vegas. i came to visit allen june 9 to june 14. he looked tiered but not really sick. three days later my baby collaped and pass away. I know my hsband is in a better place and is not suffering anymore. im happy that he is healed and there is no more pain. but i'm angry because that my husband did not die from leukemia the chemo had killed the infection and he would have been ok if it wasn't for the cold that ifound out was a fungal infection of the lungs which is a mold. I believe that it came from his mothers house where he was staying. his mother believes it too. I miss my husband so much.I feel his spirit all around me . the only thing that keeps me going is my children . we have eight that we have raised together.my question is we have a 3 year old that we just adopted last year and she keeps asking me i want to talk to daddy is he still sick in the hot pickle (hospital). Itell her yeah he is still sick. how do i explain the truth or when?

[kath]

Tea,

I am so sorry. There are a lot of books that can help explain to a young child. She probably won't understand when you do try to explain. One I really liked was given to us long before my husband was sick and it was called, "Just in Case You Ever Wonder" by Max Lucado. It's a story about what heaven is like...there is no more sickness, etc. When Marty comes on this site, she'll be able to give you the names of some others.

It's hard to accept why these things have to happen, especially to someone so young. I just think when it is your time to go, you are called, either through disease, or accident or some other unforseen complication. When people are so ill, their immune system is compromised and what wouldn't have bothered them when healthy, all of a sudden poses new and serious risks. It is natural to look for the reasons and ask the questions to the point where it makes us feel crazy.

I have no doubt your husband's spirit is all around you. Call on him for help and comfort as this is a very difficult thing to go through. You are in good hands here. We understand and will help any way possible.

Take good care,

Kath

[MartyT]

Tanya, dear ~ the resources Kath mentioned can be found here:

Child, Adolescent Grief Links, http://www.griefhealing.com/child-adolescent-grief-links.htm

[Boo Mayhew]

Tea, I am so sorry and sad that you have lost your husband. We are here and listening, so please come back and talk to us - it really will help you.

There is a short story that I really like because it explains it simply and as an analogy, and actually I LIKE it because it gave me comfort too (I included it at the back of the Eulogy and Order of Service that I wrote for my husband's funeral because some children were coming to the funeral). I have pasted it below to save you searching for it on the web.

"Waterbugs and Dragonflies : Explaining Death to Young Children"

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were

very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going

about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went....Even

as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return...

"That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.

No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea". The next one

of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why."

"We promise", they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what

was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver

wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings...The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his

wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!!

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to

rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying

around, just as he had been doing some time before.

The dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why." Without thinking,

the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...

"I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least, I tried. But I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new

body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and where I went."

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air....... From: "Waterbugs and Dragonflies : Explaining Death to Young Children"

by Doris Stickney

[kayc]

Tanya,

I'm sorry you have to be here, that you lost your husband, it seems so unfair when he was so young. You've found a great site here, this is like a caring family that helps each other through everything. I don't have any answers, but I can give you a (((hug)), and we're here to listen and care and encourage each other. You can pour your heart out, this is a safe place and we've been there and understand.

Kay

[David'sGirlStill]

Tanya,

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry you have to go through this. But, welcome to our family. The folks here are so loving and caring. I can understand your anger and frustration and the cause of your husband's passing. I lost my husband on Feb 23rd, 2009. He had Cirrhois and cancer but was beating both of them. He passed from sespis. I completely agree with Kath when it's your time, it's your time. Regardless of where you are or how healthy.

We have a 3 year old niece that was very close to my husband. We told her he was sleeping with the angels in heaven. She has seemed to accept it. Don't know if was the right answer but so far so good.

Please keep posting we are all here for you

Hugs

Phyllis

[Tea]

Hello everyone,

Thank you so much for your love and support. reading everything made me feel a little better.I know my baby is in a better place and i'm not bitter about he pasted away because i know that god has a plan for all or us and that is is writen in the books when we shall all leave this earth. I just miss him sooo much. Its has been a month now and still seems unreal. as everyone knows what i'm going through i use to talk to him everynite before i went to bed know i cant even sleep. It might sound crazy but i have had some signs to know that he is around me. and that makes me smile to know that he is watching over us.years ago he use to say he would always be around if he passed away in a joking kinda way( i will hunt you because i love you so much and i would laugh and say come on and do it i'm not scared).I have lots of pictures and my children and I talk about him a lot but my youngest still thinks hes at the hospital. but she thinks michael Jackson is sleeping.Allen recorded a few messages on his phone just playen around but we have them so she can here his voice. Everyone thinks Im a very strong person and says you will be ok. I know I will but I t is still hard for me, I cry all the time. I Cant face the fact that he passed away three days after i left. I feel i should have been there that he did not have me by his side in his time of need to help him or something. I know that its not really like that but thats how i feel.

[LarrysGirl]

Tanya, they are around us and I feel they do try to let us know that in different ways. It brings me comfort. Here I am over three years and I still tell him goodnight and that I love him and miss him. Try to take care of yourself and take it slow, Deborah

[David'sGirlStill]

Tanya,

Have no doubt he is with you and your children and always will be. Your love and bonded you together for all of eternity. Be kind to yourself and go slow you are so new on this horrific journey. Keep posting, this family has saved my sanity.

Hugs

Phyllis

[marsha]

Tanya - I'm very sorry for the loss of your Allen. Although my husband had a terminal cancer sentence, it was fungal pneumonia that took him. His immune system was so weak, he couldn't fight it. I feel Joe's spirit around me as well, and I after a year, I still talk to him every day. Just try to take it minute to minute, and try to take care of yourself. I know it feels unbelievably hard - it IS hard. Come here to talk when you feel like you're going to explode--it will help. Hugs and peace, Marsha

[valley]

Dear Tanya,

I am so sorry for your loss. Of course you are crying a lot, it is good for you to cry. I know it all seems so unreal to you, and actually it still does to me too. My husband died a little over 10 months ago, and I still cannot imagine that he is really gone. I know it intellectually. Not emotionally. Like Marsha, I talk to my husband each day.

You sound like such a loving mother. When people tell you that you are strong and will get through this.....that is probably true. When people said that to me, I thought inside myself, they have no idea how broken I am. But still we get up each day and move forward. Perhaps that is our strength.

Love to you and to your children.

Valley