Why Do People Tell You Not To Cry?

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

When my mom died, my family and friends told me not to cry because it would make my dad sad... So I did what I was told and did not cry. When my dad died shortly after my mom, my siblings all told me not to be a baby... I did not cry at my mom's funeral but cried in private, when my dad died I manage to get through the funeral without tears but walking out of the funeral chapel I saw how heart broken my neices were and how much they were crying and I let it how but later was told that I acted like a baby... Shelley

[Boo Mayhew]

Starkiss, I have no idea, because I think tears are nature's way of releasing your emotions. They can stop you from getting ill. Today I find my tears are now my friend - they help to heal me and I know that when I have cried the ocean that I need to cry to get to the place that I am aiming for - that place on my journey when the pain in my heart is slowly replaced by that sublime feeling of love instead, and I can laugh at memories instead of crying, when I can listen our music again, when I can sing again, dance again and go a whole week without sobbing, they will have helped me reach that destination.

Sometimes, it is heritage perhaps from a bygone era when we were all meant to have a stiff upper lip (especially in the UK where I am), sometimes people are trying hard to keep their own emotions under control and cannot cope when someone else breaks down, so it scares them. Sometimes our own family does not know how to deal with the outpouring of emotions and pain. In other cultures it would be deemed as very strange if people did not openly mourn and cry, so it could be a culture thing and I reckon you could probably blame the Victorian era in the UK for that.

I think it's simply too much to ask of someone who is grieving the loss of someone that they love so much.

Pay no heed to people calling you a baby. You have a right to grieve as deeply as you need to. Do not feel ashamed for doing so. This is your grief not anyone else's.

[STARKISS]

Hi Boo,

I do not think it was a culture thing when dealing with my family, I think it was just who could be the strongest and even though I hardly cried I was still consider the weakest link... My brothers truly believed if you cry you were a baby and my sister did cry at my dad's funeral but only when her husband got up to say something about my dad ... I cry to this day but because our family is totally not together as a family should be no one knows how much and when I cry so now I am getting all that out... Shelley

[JamesI]

Shelley:

People that tell you not to cry or that you are a baby are all wrong. Like Boo told you, they are uncomfortable seeing someone cry because they do not want to deal with their own emotions. When someone loses a loved one that they loved very much and they obviously miss very much, what else can one do other than cry.

I have been reading alot of books on grieving and mourning and crying is good for you and releases the toxins in your body and helps you to heal. I lost my mother on March 20, 2009 about 5 months and I have been crying lately almost every day. I am not weak, I am not a baby, and neither are you.

I loved my mother and I miss my mother and it does not matter how old anyone is. Greiving and mourning is rough, but, we need to get through it. If we feel like crying then we need to cry. I suppose it may be best to try and cry in a quiet place sometimes if we can, but, sometimes the crying comes out when we least expect it and you cannot help it and you cannot let people tell you what to do. Your emotions are you own and you have the right to express your emotions.

I see a grief counselor and I was attending a bereavement group also. The counselor and the group do help, but, we need to help ourselves too. Talk to your friends that support you and understand you.

This discussion group is very helpful. There are many people in the group that are very caring and comforting.

It is good that you are working with children. It must be rewarding for you.

Hope things get better for you. Take care.

James

[SandraH]

I am sorry for your loss! I just want to say that EVERYONE grieves in their own way and no one has the right to tell you to cry or not to cry. This is your body and you have the right to as you please! Don't listen to anyone who is negative towards how you are feeling and pour our heart out if you want to. If you feel you want to hold it in then you have that right too but then I would suggest going to seek help because holding things in can be dangerous! I am sorry your family is being selfish towards you and also, come here to this forum and tell us what you have to say either while crying or while dryed eyed...we will accept it all!

Sandra

[beautifulmistakes]

Shelly, go check out the "Mourners Bill of Rights"

What is wrong with people who think we should hide our grief and pain. Seriously.

You mourn however you want and take your journey to any where you want. They

can take their own and see as Dr. Phil says, "hows that working for you"

You have lost your foundation, I think its worth a few tears.

I am here if you need to be reminded its ok.

[annette85035]

Actually I don't believe I recall anyone telling me NOT to cry,actually they encourage me to do so.Only thing is.I found that I cried myself out when my husband died and I guess now,I'm afraid if I start crying with my mothers passing.I won't be able to stop.

[SandraH]

Starkiss - Just wanted to tell you that my Mom lived in Pickering as well and that I grew up in Pickering! I am 28 now, married and we live in Whitby! Nice to meet you neighbour!

[loulou]

I like to cry.I feel such a release from it,and I feel like I cry for him,not just about him.I wish he could see all my tears,because he would know how much I love him and am gonna miss him.I'm sorry for you.They should have never told you not to cry.What are they scared of?Tears dont hurt anyone.They help you.That was un-fair of your family to do to you.

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I have started therapy and I have been told by my therapist that some people can not move forward if they do not let the pain out... And if the only way the pain can come out is by crying than do it and continue to cry when needed so that you can move through your grief... SO now I do cry and I still might not do it infront of others except I do it infront of both my therapist and when this happens they encouragement to let it out and move through my pain... Shelley

[mlg]

Shelley, It's really funny that I found this post tonight because I just had some friends who lost their 19y/o daughter. The visitation was tonight and one parent wrote on facebook afterwards that she would be the strong one tomorrow and not get emotional. I had written her back telling her if she continually did this that she would never heal which is pretty much what your therapist told you.

[STARKISS]

Hi mlg,

Thanks for the reply, I have cried so much lately... I think that it is because I was told not too so much that now I just let it out when I need to and I do not feel bad about doing it.. I actually had a very bad day today and I am holding the tears in but normally I would just let it out.. Shelley

[Aquarius7]

Shelley,

Crying is normal and healthy. I do it a lot and I think my siblings think I am emotionally weak and unstable. I find it difficult not to cry in front of my Mom. Lately I have not been. But everyone says we should be "strong" in front of those who are suffering as not to upset them. I can't figure that out. How do you not do that?!

Hugs! ((((((( )))))))

[niamh]

Shelley,you are right to never feel bad for crying .... how dare anyone say not to cry, that is obviously their problem with tears.

Haven't had anyone say that to me (not that I recall anyways) but if I did, I think they'd better run for cover *LOL*. I kinda have a fair idea now though who is comfortable with me and my grief and who is not.....so for the most part I kinda avoid those that are not, I don't need the stress of trying to put on a happy face coz I simply can't.

Aquarius7, I hate when people say crying is a weakness, you know I think it's the complete opposite coz it means you have the strength to connect fully with your emotions and your heart and that's dam hard when it's pain it brings not happiness. So I say let the tears out, even in front of your Mom, maybe she also wants to let hers out with you.

so let the tears flow I say

hugs and love to you both

niamh

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I know one lady who told me not to cry now has something to cry about, I was told that her mom has just been told she has cancer and has not much time left... I want to say now do not cry about it but than I just feel like running over and hugging her and telling her I will be here for her when she needs someone to vent to or just listen to... I feel so bad for her right now... Shelley

[MartyT]

Shelley, dear ~ What better way to honor your mother's memory than to model toward this lady the warmth and understanding you wish she would have extended to you back when you needed it most? I believe that one of the greatest lessons of grief is that through our own pain, we learn to become more tolerant, more understanding, and more compassionate toward others who are anticipating or coping with loss ~ and we certainly learn what to say and what not to say to comfort them.

[STARKISS]

Hi Marty,

Thanks for the last reply, I was always taught to treat someone like you would want to be treated... I was going to do what she did to me but my mom always used to say two wrongs do not make a right... Shelley

[niamh]

I agree whole heartedly Shelley, how sweet and kind of you

And also could not have said it better myself than Marty. I have learned SO MUCH about what grief actually is, my attitude has changed so much, I feel like a complete expert now (I think we all are actually once this happens) and just have such a better idea of how to deal with someone else grieving, from what to say or not to say, especially knowing how important dates are, and to just listen without judging and more importantly to listen without trying to fix it for them. I think back to things I've said to others grieving over the years and simply cringe, but 20/20 hindsight is always a great thing I guess. Now I know better and I just wish I didn't have to. oh well....

love and hugs as always !

xo

[STARKISS]

Thanks Niamh and Marty,

I have learned so much since the deaths of my parents, I have grown up so much since than... I lived with my parents till the day they both died and so I was always helped with all my problems till they died and my mom did everything but since than I have learned to start to stand on my own... I was always taught to treat people with respect and kindness no matter how they treat you... Shelley