New To All Of This

[lostluv]

Hi Everyone,

I don't really know what I am doing. I have read many of your post and cried a lot. I am amazed at how similar the emotions are. My husband died May 5 of this year. He battled cancer for almost 2 yrs. He was amazing. He never once complained. I can't believe it has been almost 4 mos. We were married for five years and never spent a night apart. We spent every second together. We worked together. we even went to the gas station together. I waited to marry until I found the right guy. Everyone tells me that I am still young and will love again. I hate that. I live alone in a big empty silent house. I remember how I used to long for a little alone time. We didn't have children together, but my husband had 5 from another marriage. We raised his youngest. He was 7 when we got together and 13 when my husband died. The biological mother never had much to do with him before, but took him as soon as my husband died. Now she doesn't let me see him. We also lost a child in my second trimester just a few months before my husbands diagnosis. My mother in law passed away a few weeks before my husband was diagnosed. We were also self employed, and have pretty much lost that. We didn't have life insurance. I am left with a mountain of bills and responsibility and no idea of how to breath much less all the junk that I have to wade thru. I feel like I moved into my husbands world and left mine behind. Now that he is gone, I don't know where I belong anymore. I hate that. He always told me that his friends and family would take care of me. I know that everyone had good intentions.....but.....I cry and scream all alone in a big empty house and stare at the phone wondering who I can call that will answer or wont be too busy with their own family. When I do break down to call someone, no one answers or returns the call. There are a couple people who are good, but don't want to wear out my welcome.

A grief therapist asked me to write down what I did for my "physical" needs. I wrote, Eat, sleep, shower, breath and repeat. Not always as easy as it sounds. I told her that my mind was gone. I forget everything. I speak in charades. I no longer have a vocabulary at my disposal. I have lost everything that I touch. Someone used my wedding pictures that were on a disk for the funeral. I know that they gave it back to me. I have torn the house apart. I can't find them anywhere. That about sent me over the edge. The therapist said that this process usually takes about 3 yrs. How do you survive 3 yrs of this!! Every single thing I do reminds me of him and how much I miss him. I hate always feeling like I am going to cry, but do I want to be "happy" without him. I could go on forever... It is comforting to know that others understand, but incredibley sad too.

Thanks for sharing your journeys

[kayc]

Lostluv,

Wow you have really been through it, I am so sorry! Your stepson will undoubtedly seek you out at some point on his own. You may be entitled to legal rights for visitation, if you see an attorney he should be able to let you know. You have had multiple losses and will need to be very understanding and patient with yourself. Yes, loss of focus (i.e. our brains) is part of this, it should get somewhat better eventually. About your lost disk, are your pictures anywhere else? (Computer, physical paper copies, with a relative or friend..) If so, try to get copies of them. If they used the pictures at the funeral, did they put them on a computer where they can be retrieved? My husband also thought his friends and brothers would be there for me...ha! All I can say is, I'm glad he didn't have to see what happened! It's not that uncommon for people to run...

Those who tell you stupid things like "you're young, you'll find someone else"...accept that they mean while and discard their ignorant cliches as just such...realize they want to help you but really don't have a clue how to...they haven't been through this (thank God) and unless you have, you're not likely to be of much support.

Fortunately you have found this site...there are people here who understand and have gone through similar experiences. This was my lifesaver...

Sending you (((hugs)))

[marsha]

Lostluv - your second paragraph? I could have plucked that from my journal. That's exactly how I felt, and sometimes still do. Your grief therapist, in my opinion, should not have given you a time line. If there's one thing all of us on this site have learned, it differs for each individual. Please don't even think about this right now! Right now you're in survivor mode, and you just need to care for yourself, minute to minute, as best as you can. My husband and I were also self employed. I'm still running the business, but I met with my accountant and lawyer to determine the best road to follow. There are professionals out there who can help you navigate the financial part of the journey. Please come back here to continue to post your feelings, as we're all in this journey together, and we can help. Hugs, marsha

[LarrysGirl]

Lostluv, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I'm glad you have posted on this site, you will find support and understanding. All of us grieve at our own pace and the time frame really isn't important. Right now looking towards the future is probably not a good idea. As you have already experienced, your mind, doesn't quite connect with much. This all takes time and eventually you can process more. What is important is to take care of yourself and REST and REST! We don't realize when we are grieving how much the toll is on our bodies. It is so overwhelming, so share your feelings when you feel like it and come here for support. Deborah

[Korina]

LostLuv:

You have had a lot of things thrown at you! I am so sorry you are going through so much crap. I can really identify with your statement "I remember how I used to long for a little alone time." I used to think that, as well...how it would be nice to have the clicker to myself for a night. Now, what I would give for someone else (Scott) to be manning the clicker! And people have said the same thing to me about being young. But Kay is right - they are just trying to be helpful, and not really knowing what to say. So I just take it for what it is - an attempt at support (though it doesn't always stop me from being annoyed).

I try not to push myself to address all the paperwork at once (though it sounds like you have more to deal with than I do). I break it down into stuff that has to get done, and stuff that can wait, and pace myself accordingly. Grief is so tiring, and you have to give your self time to just be.

Keep on posting - everyone here really cares.

Korina

[laurieb]

lost luv

I have to agree with marsha, I question any one sharing a deadline on "how long it takes" to a woman suffering like you.. hmmm...it amazes me how people can get away with that stuff and then say..pay me!! I too believe your stepson will seek you out so take comfort in that. you were a mom and still are even if he is not there right now. You have had incredible losses!!!!!, and there are some great books and websites, ..this is the best however. www.griefshare.org has some daily emails for the first 100 days of grief and I love to read them. If you belong to a church, try to see if they can come to you, I have also started getting a massage at massage envy and it is so helpful with stress and sleep. I sometimes walk the mall by myself and look around as I don't have to think. There is such comfort in the support of others that go through it. Try to find a support group near you. You are not alone. We love to hear from you and are praying for you even when you don't post

laurie

[lostluv]

Thanks to everyone for your responses.

When I first came to this site I took a day just to read. I can't believe how much I cried. It seems that no matter the circumstances, the feelings you are left with are so similar.

In so many ways I feel incredibly blessed...but other times so picked on.( for lack of a better word) I had an incredible 5 years with a dream of a husband. I always say that he was everything that I never knew that I needed. How ungrateful I feel for ever feeling sorry for myself. Some people live a lifetime without ever knowing that. But at the same time, it makes the pain of loosing him so unbearable. I look at other couples and I am so grateful for what we had. I always knew it too. It wasn't something that I had to lose to learn. But that is what makes it so painful. Ironic how the very things that brought you so much joy now cause so much pain.

Someone earlier was talking about finding some tissues from their husbands pocket. I did that too. they are on my dresser. I can't bear to throw them away. I search frantically thru pockets and wallets for any trace of him. For smells. Kind of grose but I can't bring myself to wash our sheets. I just shower before I go to bed. I've been thinking about that lately.....How do I wash those sheets. I may never. I may just put some new ones on...sometime. I can't throw stuff out of the fridge that only he ate. Thank goodness its things like sweet relish. I broke a vase yesterday that we had bought together. I didn't fall apart. Just wanted to.

So Many of you talk about family not being kind to you. That amazes me! I will never understand that. I guess that I understand people avoiding us. I don't like it, but I understand that people are uncomfortable and dont know what to do or say...or it just isn't pleasant. It's easier for them to just pretend it never happened and we are reminders that it did. My husband doesn't have a lot of family left and those dont all get along. He and I were the ones that always tried to keep everyone together. He was the youngest child by 13 years. Both of his parents are gone. A sister had died years ago of the same type of cancer. One sister and one brother remain. They have a very hard time with this loss. He was their baby and their strength. He was the last piece of glue in a crumbling family. The ex wife and one of the step children are quite rude to me. I guess that I can deal with that....on most days. The ex holds my stepson ransom. She constantly wants things from the house or I wont get to see him. I refuse to be blackmailed...so I don't get to see him much. Don't get me wrong, I would give her every stick of furniture in my house for my stepson...I wouldnt bat an eye. I just know it would never be enough. Funny how much perspectives change. Things are just "things" to me. (Except things that remind me of my husband) But I would walk away from every single thing to have my husband back.

I am rambling...But it is good and so sad to know that their are others that get it.

Thanks again

[Mrs. B]

LostLuv, My heart goes out to you. I do know how you feel. I miss my Rick so much. He was only 51. The Tv changer is only one thing that I wish i could change. He channeled surfed and it drove me nuts but I never said so. I dont cook meals anymore. Any I used have one ready ever night when he come in from work. He drove me everywhere not that i could drie he just did. It was hard to start doing that again. I was so nervous. He had his own business and there was no will and we werent married . I had to get his building cleaned out.apply for executor. which i finally got and now his family dosent want me to sell his things that i need to to get money to pay his bills. Its so fustrating. Where was his family. Not helping but sure were there when i had to plan the funeral. My own family is great with me. I lost my spouse in March and it seems like I lost his family to. We were together for 15 years. My kids have been so good to and dont live near me but a phone call away . My son moved back home with me till Feb when he will go to school. My step daughter even though her dad and me were never married lives with her boyfriend and dad. I raised her since she was 31/2. She moved out at 15 because here bio mom made her all these promises. I hated to say to her I told you so because they just had here there to babysit and clean house. We have our relationship back and it is even closer then before. She has two 1/2 sibling and she had never met them and has been communicating with them. It would have made her dad happy but her grandparents are fuming and and mad a her. So she is a mess along with stomach issues. I always told her i would be there for her and i am. We went and picked out a headstone and that was not to bad. I am letting her do some design work on it and it means a great deal to her. She asked if I though it was ok to put 2 roses, her middle name is rose , one for her dad and one for me and then on each side of it 3 rose buds for my three children and ricks 3 children even though he never go to have a relationship whith them and i told her that was a fantastic idea. Her uncle on her dads side even told her something i was never going to tell her. That her 1/2 brother might not even be her brother. I was so mad at him for even bringing it up. as if she already wasnt going through enough. She said to me that she was not mad at me and it wasnt my place to tell her. But i told her blood dosent always mean everything. People change so much. I think they are griefing but taking it out on me. I go see them but they have not been here once since March. I ask them to stop in but they never do yet i see them go by to the cemetary every other day. As to years to get over it your husband death. It may be years. everyone is different and go through different stages. Im happiest when i have my kids home. I feel like cooking again. Now I am the one rambling. Its like i have so much to say and its all jumbled. I have good friends and they helped me so much to. I just keep plugging away day by day. Nights are hard and I aslo know what you mean about the smell. Ricks winter coats hatss and boots are hung right where he left them and he smoked and when i walk by i get that wiff of him. I can not bear to move the anywhere yet. Take care. Brenda

[Boo Mayhew]

Lostluv, I am so sorry that you are now going on this journey, but I am glad that you have found us. I don't have time to write a long message because I have to take a shower, get groceries and vacuum house and mop floors before my friend arrives in 3 hours, but I just wanted to say that many of us didn't change the sheets on our beds for a LONG time ... so don't feel bad about it :-) I'll be honest - it took me 5 months but I showered before bed each night, like you. Also, it took me 7 months to throw away his jar of mustard in the fridge (and wipe a smeared thumbprint off the fridge door) ... only do these things when you are ready. The Santa's are still up inside my house, and it is September tomorrow! And you know what, NO ONE mentions them, and one of them is 4 feet high!!!!!!

Keep posting - it helps so much to talk.

Take care

xx

[kayc]

Lostluv,

I understand everything you said, and I agree...you're smart to realize it'd never be enough. I don't know how old your stepson is, but I'm sure one day he'll seek you out on his own. I'm glad you aren't letting the ex use you. Hang in there, and meanwhile we're here to listen.

Kay

[deborah ogren]

Lostluv,

I just read your post, I am sorry for your loss of your husband. Right now everything seems to be inside out, upside down and confussing for you. One thing that I realized that there are people that really do care and will be there. I can understand that you don't want to wear out your welcome. This is what I was feeling with my two close freinds (Derrick & Kelly). I finally broke down and told them that I didn't want to be a burden to them, well they set me straight real quick.

A true freind is someone that you can call in the middle of the night if you are feeling down. They will come over or pick you up, put on a pot of coffee they will do anything to help you along this journary. They let you cry, let you talk, let you vent if you are angry. Friends are able to be on the outside and looking in they see things different than we do.

I finally put my guard down, and felt comfortable enough to pick up the phone and call when I was feeling down, crying and etc...Another thing that I started doing was answering different post. There is alot us out there,don't know which way to turn. Greiving is very personal, each us greive differently. Each us have our own story to tell, and each us hurting inside.

I find a great deal of comfort in going on this webite. When I told my story I know that I'm not alone. MY story of losing my domestic partner 5 months ago, it did take some time to get enough cougar to tell. I know now that Love is Love, whether we loss a spouse, sister, pet, grandma and etc....

All you can do is your best, nobody expects anything else. Take little steps at time, and stop beating yourself us. YOU ARE DOING WHAT YOU CAN. Take in a deep breath and exhale and repeat... Iwill say a pray for you. May God watch over you and help you with all your needs.

Deborah