My Mom Passed Away 1 Week Ago Today

[Joanne]

Wow!! I have never felt such grief and pain in my entire life.

My mom entered the hospital 2 weeks ago and died one week later of lung cancer. She was only diagnosed 5 days prior to dying.

Yes, she was a smoker. She was having severe shoulder pain however she thought it was her shoulder acting up from laying down on hospital tables undergoing tests.

She was on a disability because of her shoulders.

Another problem was that she was eating baby food for the last two months. She has had previous stomach and digestive problems and she thought it was her stomach acting up.

Meanwhile, I was at Sick Kid's hospital with my son while she was sick. He is 5 and underwent a brain surgery. He is o.k. now. I wasn't as involved as I could of been because my head was elsewhere.

My mom is my very best friend. We talked everyday. As a teenager, I rather hang out with my mom than with my friends. She was so special. She never talked bad about anybody and helped everybody whether it was food or shelter.

She had an innocent quality about her. Almost like she saw things for the 1st time. It was beautiful. I am in shock, I am in raw raw pain and I feel dead.

I have a 4 and 5 yrs old boy so I know I have to continue. I just can't imagine ever being happy again without her. How do you get through this?

Thanks for listening. We are catholic and my mom was a big believer so she was not scared to die. I somehow lost my faith along the way and trying to find it again. I want to believe that she is with me.

Joanne

[kath]

Dear Joanne,

Let me say how very sorry I am for the loss of your friend, mother and confidante. That raw pain is something we have all endured. I'm sure it seems impossible to go on, but with young children, you will do what you have to do and the pain will ease somewhere along the way.

It's normal to question your faith at this time. There are so many things that go unanswered and who better to blame than God who could have erased all this? I'm Catholic, too and I ended up pouring myself into daily mass and bible studies, just looking for reasons and direction. What happened instead was I received an uncanny amount of help from members of my parish, people that I had never met before.

Your mom gave you a base for your own faith journey. I encourage you in time to rediscover what your mom had. It brings us peace. I sat through the first Easter mass after Bob died and plummeted thinking it was all a hoax, just some really good story that someone made up along the way and for a brief time wondered if there was any God at all. I can tell you, the pain I felt before then didn't compare to the utter turmoil I felt when all hope was gone. Faith strengthens us. It gives us hope when there are no explanations. There is no doubt in my mind that they are with us. I've had too many "coincidences" happen.

Good luck to you and your little boys. Post here whenever you can. The people here are awesome.

Kath

[valley]

Dear Joanne,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. So sorry.

There is no answer or easy way to move through the pain of losing someone so close and dear to you. Your mother was your friend and someone your could really talk to and enjoy. It is a devastating loss.

Your sons will bring you comfort and give you reason to move forward.

My heart goes out to you.

Please take care of yourself right now when you are so vulnerable and know that people on this forum understand what you feel and are walking the same road.......but still walking.

Love to you,

Valley

[Joanne]

Kath, Thanks so much for your response. Wow! It is nice to know that my thoughts and what not are normal. I am sooo sorry you went through a loss too. Was it your husband?

It still seems unreal to me and I have not let her go yet. I am keeping her alive in my head. I feel like I could call her and she will be there.

Joanne

[Joanne]

Valley,

Thank you, thank you.. I am sorry that others went through this horrible pain or are going through this horrible nightmare. It does however comfort me that I am not alone.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. You know, what comes to my mind is You cannot describe the love for your child to others who do not have kids. You also cannot describe the lost of a loved one to those who have never lost someone that means the world to them.

I used to comfort some of my friends during a loss however I never really got it. I call them now and say I AM SOOO SORRY. I had no idea..

Joanne

[laurieb]

Joanne,

I am so sorry for your loss of your best friend, your mom and for the strain that your sons medical treatments have been on you. I have lost my husband 6 months ago and my grandma almost 2 weeks ago and I too am catholic. My faith has grown since undergoing all my loss lately. I know there is so much that I don't understand, and more pain than I can humanly voice but in all this I believe that my grandma...(who I was so very close to and loved dearly) and my husband are in a better place and at peace. This has taken me some time though so please give yourself that time. You are in shock and pain right now and you need to be kind to yourself. I have gone to a grief share support group and it is a faith based program that has been invaluable to me. My son is also struggling with his faith as he feels that God has let him down and deserted him by taking his beloved dad. He said to me "how can you love God when he took your husband and your grandma?" I can only hope that my faith with prove to be an example for him .... in time. Please continue to write as we all want to be here for you. The people on this forum have kept me going through days and nights that were far to long and far to painful.

Hugs,

Laurie

[DeeGee]

Hi Joanne and welcome,

I am fairly new to this board. My sincere condolences to you on the loss of your mother. My husband died two weeks ago yesterday. I had joined the board just two days before his death.

I am so sorry for your loss of your mom. The personality you describe sounds a lot like my beloved father who died suddenly of a massive heart attack seven years ago. He had not been ill and it was just - Boom! - he died. I was in absolute shock, as you are. And we were so close! It took me a good long time to work through my grief and I still miss him today, believe me. People said to me at the time "It's a blessing that he went quickly. At least he didn't suffer." and I thought that was a mean thing to say and I got very upset several times when someone would say that. To me, in a way, it was like they were saying it's a blessing that he died.

Then 14 months ago my husband was diagnosed with a Stage IV kidney cancer. And I watched him waste away and become weaker and weaker and saw him suffering pain that was not always well controlled. And I guess now I can see where people were coming from when they said it was a blessing that my dad went quickly and did not suffer at all.

Perhaps they had a loved one who died a slow and painful death from cancer and they meant to be kind in saying that to me back then.

In any case, when someone goes really fast like your mom did, there is a whole lot of shock and disbelief at first. Plus, in my case, I never got to say goodbye to my dad or anything like that. Thankfully he always knew how much I loved and admired him so I did not worrry that he didn't know that.

Since my dad's death there have been lots of times in my life that I have asked myself "What would dad do?" when pondering a problem or needing to make a decision about something. So his legacy lives on within me and within my children.

So it might help you to think of what your mom would want for you. And to try to follow the guidelines she offered you throughout your life. She sounds like a great lady who gave you both love and friendship and those are certainly wonderful gifts from a parent to a child.

Again, Joanne, I am so sorry for your loss,

Dee Gee

[Joanne]

Laurie,

Very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband and grandma. That is so much to deal with. Thank you for your invaluable advice. It really does not seem real right now. I don't want to believe it.

Joanne

[Joanne]

Dee Gee,

I am sorry to hear about your father and husband. You sound like a very strong and wise woman. I hope I can follow your example.

Yes, I think both ways has it's own set of hurts and pains. I don't know the other way and I hope I never find out.

My mom used to always talked about how she missed her mom and I should have listened more. I never got it and feel like I could have listened to her more talk about her mother.

I am going to see a psychologist on Wednesday. I hope to work through some of these issues maybe by starting to believe that she has really passed.

ouch!!!!!

Thank you for sharing your story with me.

Joanne

[Maryo]

Hi Joanne,

I am very sorry to hear about your Mom. I lost my Dad at age 14 then my Mom died a year and a half later. I never understood why my Mom could not stop crying. Then I lost my husband a little over a year ago and then I realized how my Mom felt. I understand only to well about grief. As time goes on things will get easier. I am thankful that my Mom and Dad did not suffer. I pray to them all the time and know they are watching over me and I am sure your Mom will be there for you also.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[kath]

Dear Joanne,

There is a poem called "God's Flower Garden" in the poetry section of this forum. It is really special and a good one to share with your children. Another book I really liked was Grace for Grief by Michael and Brenda Pink. They lost a child and even though I lost my husband, it gave me focus and direction when I had none.

Take care,

Kath

[kayc]

JoAnne,

I'm sorry to hear about your mom...it's so hard when you can't have them to go to or talk to. Just keep talking about your feelings and coming here, it all helps and we get through it all together, a day at a time.

[JamesI]

Dear Joanne:

So sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. My mother died 6 months ago tomorrow and I thought I was feeling better, but, it sometimes hits you unexpectedly and overwhelms you without warning. It does get less intense and some days are better than others.

This group is wonderful and all the people on here are helpful and comforting.

It is good that you will be seeing a psychologist. It will help. I am seeing a grief counselor and also attending a grief support group. The support group helps too. I was told to wait a few months before attending a support group, but, you can discuss that with your psychologist.

Just take it one day at a time.

I was always close to my mother, and, I was also her caregiver which brought us closer. It has been a difficult journey for me, but, I am working through it. I loved my mother and I miss her very much.

I can see that you were close to your mother also and loved her very much. I am sure it is difficult for you too.

We all need to work through it and always remember that crying is part of the grieving and mourning process.

Crying removes the toxins and helps us to heal.

Be good to yourself and keep busy with your children. They will help you through your grieving.

Hope it all works out for you.

Take care,

James