Grave Marker

[DeeGee]

I had my husband John's ashes buried at a National Veteran's Cemetery. I think that is what he would have wanted - the reason I think that is that being a Vietnam veteran was such a big part of his life. His service there changed him forever, taking him from being a naive small-town boy to a combat Marine thrown into the height of war during the 1967 - 1968 Tet Offensive. He experienced things at the age of 18 that no young man should ever have to experience.

John suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder throughout his life. I recognized this immediately upon getting close to him and was able to talk him into getting treatment for it. It helped. Certainly did not irradicate it, but it helped. We went through couple's counseling through the VA Vet Center - a specialty program instituted by the VA specifically for Vietnam vets suffering from PTSD. As part of the healing process he joined a Veterans group and was able to meet up with other Marines who had served with him. We attended numerous reunions over the past years, and in all it was a positive experience for both of us.

John was a member of a very highly decorated unit. Lots of medals and three "Presidential Unit Citations" - which are awards for the outstanding performance, courage and bravery of a specific military unit in battle.

When he died I knew that he would receive a regulation veteran's grave marker. What I did not know is that other than the standard information that is inscribed on the marker, there are two additional lines of 15 characters each available for the family to add what I was told was "an endearment".

Well, I filled out the form and faxed it in. And on Line #1 I chose to list his company name and dates of service and on Line#2 I listed my "endearment". Then I got a telephone call from a woman who told me that listing the name of his military company (unit) was "not appropriate" and that these lines were for "endearments only". So I changed it.

Now, this morning I happened to go onto a VA website and clicked onto the parameters for grave markers and it appears to me that I was given incorrect information by the woman who called me. The website says that "any appropriate information, as determined by the VA, regarding the veteran" may be placed on those two lines. There was also an email contact info link to contact them if you think your marker was inscribed erroneously. So I sent an email requesting that a new marker be prepared, displaying the inscription I originally requested. And I requested they get back to me and let me know if my original request was, in fact, permissable.

Am I crazy? Obsessed? I am really upset about this. Why is this bothering me so much?

[Maryo]

Hi DeeGee,

I think it is very important that you have what you originally requested on your husbands grave marker. When they foregot to include a flower holder on my husband marker I was very upset and offered to pay if need be. It was not my mistake so it was replaced at no extra cost. This is a loving tribute to your husband that comes from the heart.

And yes I would want a comformation so it will ease your mind.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[Boo Mayhew]

You should be proud of yourself for conducting your behaviour in a calm, dignified manner. I am proud of you! Let me tell you that I would have either gone up there crying, histrionics ... or called them crying, then gone up there with the intention of telling them what I thought etc ... but would have only got more upset ...

Of course this is important. It is of paramount importance to you. It's to honour, respect, remember, commemorate your husband and what he did for his country too ... in my opinion, they should get it right the first time ... it's not too much to ask when your husband and men like him died, lost limbs, lost their minds sometimes. How hard can it be to have a fact sheet by the phone that they can refer to when you contact them?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

HUGS

[PaulaB.]

Hi DeeGee,

What you want to do to honor your husband is paramount and it comes from your heart.

One thing I have noticed with dealing with some of my Tom's affairs is that it is not what I am doing wrong; it's what the "so-called customer service" people are doing wrong. I have been beating my head against the wall with the hospital for over a month for trying to PAY his bill! They won't talk to me because Tom and I weren't married. I fully understand the HIPPA laws, but this is no way to run a business and certainly no way to treat people who are grieving. I owned several businesses in my life and if anyone called me up and said they were going to pay me, I was more than eager to work with them. It's frustrating. I jumped through a lot of hoops last week and I will jump through some more this week. I'm sure there are some good customer service people out there; I just haven't met any of them lately.

The Vietnam Wall traveling exhibit was here in Phoenix, AZ this weekend. I went yesterday to view it. It was the second time I had seen it. I went alone and it still has the same effect on me. I don't know anyone who is listed there. My friends came home alive and that was the one war that my family and my ancestors did not fight in. I went to show my respect for all of those who have fought for this country and to support our troops.

Hang in there. (((Hugs))) Paula

[kath]

I don't think you are crazy or obsessed.

Loving, loyal, caring, supportive, patient?

Yes...all of the above.

[mlg]

I don't think that you are crazy. This is basically the last thing we can "give" to our loved one and we want it to be RIGHT.

Who decides what is appropriate? I sure hope it isn't the lady who was on the phone. I would think they would have the information

about his service on there any way. Tom's foot marker issued by the VA has the war, his rank and something else on

it so I would think in a military cemetery anything military should be appropriate.

[Boo Mayhew]

Mary Linda hit the nail right on the head.

When arranging all the funeral logistics etc., and now I am in the process of arranging for Cliff's remains to be scattered, I thought:

This is the last thing I can do for him. I have to get it perfect. I want him to be proud of me.

Yes, the last thing ... and it has to be right.

So very stressful when someone else is involved (like that lady on the phone) and they get it wrong. It means everything to us, but to her, we are just another call.

That's wrong, but unfortunately that's reality. If I were recruiting someone for that role, I'd insist that the applicants had suffered a loss already so that they had the gift of empathy. But that's probably against all the HR policies and PC laws of the universe!

Please do let us know how you progress with rectifying this. If you get very distressed about it, I for one would happily volunteer to write letters etc for you, so that you can simply sign and post without getting more anxious. I mean it - you only need ask :-) (I still have to take my bills etc into work to deal with them and get someone to check it's done right ... but can help someone else easily ... which proves I CAN, yet I still get a mental block where my own paperwork is concerned, so wondered if you react in a similar way? If you do, the offer is there).

[DeeGee]

Thank you all for your understanding. I got a automated reply back in my email but have not yet heard from a live person. Will let you know what I am told.

[JonKoisMom]

Hi Dee Gee,

I totally agree with everyone else who has responded to your post. I had cousins that were in the Marine Corp. in Vietnam. One of them retired after serving 20yrs. His nephew became a Marine and died in Iraq at the age of 22. Men such as your husband, that were proud to serve should be recognized in a way that is comfortable for their family. I'm glad you at least got an email. I can't even imagine how upset I will be if anything isn't the way we ordered for my son's headstone. It's taking forever and it better be correct. What you chose as your endearment should be up to you! In my thoughts and prayers. Kathy

[Chai]

Dear DeeGee,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, and that your grieving is being made even more difficult by one person's silly mistake. I do not think you are crazy to find your husband's grave marker a very important matter. Like others have been saying, this is one of the last gifts you can give to your husband. It helps you in your grieving process, too. It is very important. I think 'going crazy' or 'getting mental' about it is a sign of how your love and appreciation for John.

I was meticulous about details when I arranged for a framed picture of my dad for his memorial. My mother was very helpful and allowed me total freedom on picking the frame, the picture, the size, etc., and I am so grateful she did. That picture was put up with beautiful candles surrounding it at the memorial, and all of the people there said it was the perfect picture, totally captured him - with the sunset behind him and his toothy smile. They loved it. I gave it to my grandmother, and since my grandmother passed on it now hangs in my room with me. I get to say hello to my dad every morning. That picture has made all the difference, and I know it wouldn't be as special to me, as powerful and strengthening, if I hadn't been able to make everything absolutely just as I wanted it.

Trust me, you are not crazy. All that detail-hobgobbling is worth it! I hope that the Veterans Services people will get it right for you this time.

take care,

Chai

[DeeGee]

Oh boy! Good news. A representative from the VA cemetery called me today and told me that my request "went up through channels and it was approved" so they will be making a new headstone that includes the original information as I submitted it.

The only thing I have to do now is contact the National Personell Records Center in order to get a signed document from them that verifies that he actually did serve in that company.

So I will download the form and send it in today. The man also told me that the other headstone came in and they went ahead and set it and then will change it out after the new one is ordered and comes in.

I am SO glad I pursued this! I feel so much better now. Thank you all for your support on this!

DeeGee

[Boo Mayhew]

Good girl, Dee Gee. Well done for being so strong and pursuing this ... I am only sorry that they messed it up in the first place.

[MartyT]

Oh Dee Gee ~ I'm so happy for you, both because you went ahead and pursued this, and because now it will be done the way it should have been done in the first place. Hooray for you! Your GH family is proud of you!

[DeeGee]

Thank you all!

DeeGee

[Korina]

Way to go!!

Korina

[mlg]

Hip Hip Hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the winner is DeeGee. Another grief mountain scaled and flag put at the top. Just wish we knew how many more there were so we could save our energy.

Hope you feel good about pursuing this. I think people think we don't have it in us and will go away. Well, you showed them.

[DeeGee]

Update: I went ahead and went through official channels to order John's complete service records - which I understand can take some time. Some folks say months, others say up to a year!

As it happened John was a member of a Vietnam veterans reunion group - one that was specific to the Division in which he served. They maintain a website on which there is a "guestbook" where you can post messages. I put out a request for assistance from anyone who served at that same time who may have anything "official" that would confirm John's service within his specific company.

Yesterday I received an email from a man who served with John who has copies of three months worth of "Day Rosters", which is a list showing each man in a company by name and service number. He says John's name appears on all three of them and he will fax them to me later today.

So this will likely cut down on what could have been a long wait for the records from the National Military Personell Center.

[MartyT]

Wonderful news, Dee Gee