Six Weeks And Going Backwards

[Susie Q]

Today it's six weeks since I was told that my husband's sudden illness was going to be fatal. He died the next day. It's the Friday before a long weekend and I feel at my lowest point. I have invitations that I don't want to accept, I can't bear company yet don't want to be myself, I know ao many people care about me but I feel totally alone.

I can tell from reading your posts that this misery is not short lived. I question whether I have the inner strength to go through this long term. I just want him back and I know it's not possible. I'm overwhelmed at the thought of months/years of this acute pain. How did you survive it?

[Korina]

Susie Q:

My situation is something like yours. My husband when into ICU and 3 days later he was gone. So sudden. And you are right - grief is not short-lived. In fact, it is a lifelong process, but, so I've been told, something that gets easier. Something where, in time, you will be able to smile at the memories. There will be days, as you have seen here, where the tears will come most unexpectedly. But is that such a bad thing? I like to think of tears as healing.

Early on (it is just over 3 months for me), it helped me to think of ways I could honor my husband's life. For example, I would like to help organize a fundraising golf tournament for next year that will be in his name, to raise money for children's hospitals (something very close to his heart). Or just to be of help to others wherever I can. I feel that this honor's his life. Is there something where you can volunteer that would be meaningful?

Also, I find a great deal of relief when I write letters to Scott. Somehow, putting my words down on paper (or virtual paper) is a great release.

I know how hard it is to go out and be with other people. I had to push myself, but one day, I simply felt it was time. I don't go out into the social world often, but there are days when I do, because I know that my brooding is not helpful. Then there are other days when I simply need to be alone (though I always am with my baby girl). I have been lucky in that both my husband's family and mine have been incredibly supportive (I know this is not so for everyone - I hope you have someone in your life you can turn to for support).

You do need to take care of yourself, because grieving is so exhausting. I try to work out a few days a week, and at least go for a walk with our daughter every day. And though I have been lazy the last few days, I try to attend to legal and financial things, a bit each day. Or at least to accomplish one thing, whether it is making a phone call or cleaning up the apartment.

I hope some of this helps. Keep coming back here because people care, and you will find that it helps you to write your words of support to others in the forum.

Hugs,

Korina

[jrm]

Susie, I know how unorganized your thoughts are now. I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Having been unprepared for my husband's sudden death I know exactly how you feel. It will be 3 months next week along with our 41st anniversary and his 66th birthday (3 months gonethat day) We were in a motorcycle accident so I am also dealing with physical healing. All I can say is take the one day at a time for you. It's your time to heal. Do what you can each day. Sometimes make a plan to pamper yourself, i.e. soaking in the tub with an aroma candle, doing your nails, trying a new hairstyle. Something to make YOU feel good. We all have a long road ahead of us and our losses are all so painful. It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to be alone. Please try to smile at something throughout the day. God Bless

[JeanneC]

Susie:

I am so sorry for the sudden loss of your husband. It is only six weeks and that is like it just happened. There is absolutely no time frame for when we will feel well again. My husband died June 28, 2008 of a heart attack. He was hospitalized on Jan. 28, 2008 and was in the hospital for 5 months. Those 5 months were very agonizing. I took off for 7 weeks from work and was there all day with my husband and when I went back to work I would leave early every day and go to the hosptial. I never knew in what condition my husband would be in when I arrived at the hospital. So many ups and downs. He finally died of sepsis shock. When the heart is so weak it does not have enough strength to pump blood through all your organs and they start to fail and that is what causes the sepsis. Also, all of the infections that he got. So, I am not only grieving his death but reliving his time in the hospital.

You need to take one day at a time. Try to keep busy. See friend and family if you can. I don't know if things will get better for you. The grieving does lessen, but for me my life has changed forever. It will never be the same again. I thought my husband would last long than 54 years. Each person deals with their loss differently. I have read posts here of people that are still grieving and seeing counselors after 10 years.

Don't forget that there are some wonderful people here and we all want to help.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[valley]

Susie,

I am so sorry for the loss of your partner. It is devastating to lose the one you love. The pain is tremendous, unlike anything I had ever known. It is still so new for you and you are tender.

Like you I often needed to be alone even when friends were reaching out to me. They all were very understanding when I said I was not up to going out, but please ask me again. I could talk to people on the phone and that sometimes helped without putting me in a situation where I didn't know how long I could hold up if I had actually gone out. You need to do what you feel like doing now, not what other people want you to do. Your friends will understand.

My husband died a little over one year ago. I have just gone through a major back surgery and have finally come home again after spending a few days with my daughter. I miss Tom terribly. I cannot bend, lift or even sit for more than 20 - 30 minutes at a time, but I went through with this operation. It would be so great to have Tom come sit on the bed as I lay flat and tell me some funny thing he did that day. Or walk with me out in the yard making sure I don't slip. Or cook dinner. Mostly just talk to me. Love me.

For me, after one year, life is different. There are many good parts to my life and I am more emotionally stable than during the first year. The longing for Tom is still enormous. Creating a future without him is still impossible for me to contemplate, eventhough I am one year into that new future. My life is different. But that absolute raw emotion that grief brought to me is somewhat less intense. I do not cry everyday. I laugh with friends. I have my best and most honest discussions with my grown children. And yet last night I ended up yelling for Tom to come home, to find me again, to be with me. But most nights now, I read, watch TV,listen to music and sleep. I miss him every day, miss the fun and closeness we shared, and yet here I am. One year later. Living life.

You will survive even if you think that you cannot handle the pain. Each day is one step forward and that is maybe all that you should think about now. Live today. Then tomorrow, live that day.

Hugs to you and again, I am sorry for your loss.

Valley.....Shelley

[Fredzgirl]

I think what has helped me is that I play the cards I'm dealt each day. Some days are really good days. On those days I smile at the memories rather than cry. For awhile, I felt a little guilty for being ok. Other days are rougher. On those days, sometimes I want to be alone and I make that happen. Other times I need to be around people and either I call on family to help me out or I just go out to the grocery store or coffee shop. I don't feel the acute pain on a daily basis now, but I do miss him. I know there are others who are still grieving deeply after a much longer period. Although we all have something in common here, we all are in a different place as far as how our loss has affected our lives. I desparately miss my best friend, my love, my helpmate. Fortunately my finances are stable, I don't have small children to raise on my own and I'm not a young widow. All those variables must have some relationship to our grieving I suspect. It frightened me some when I saw that many folks on this site were acutely grieving for up to three years and longer; my heart goes out to them. For me, I still have tears at times but the pain is nothing like that first month.

[azusaman]

Today it's six weeks since I was told that my husband's sudden illness was going to be fatal. He died the next day. It's the Friday before a long weekend and I feel at my lowest point. I have invitations that I don't want to accept, I can't bear company yet don't want to be myself, I know ao many people care about me but I feel totally alone.

I can tell from reading your posts that this misery is not short lived. I question whether I have the inner strength to go through this long term. I just want him back and I know it's not possible. I'm overwhelmed at the thought of months/years of this acute pain. How did you survive it?

Susie Q, I feel a lot like you and am sorry for the loss of your husband. My wife went to the hospital on July 31st and died on August 17th. I've been on this site for a couple of weeks and it sure helps to communicate with people who understand what you are going through. It still seems surreal to me and I feel like I'm also going backwards.

Ted

[Maryo]

Hi Susie.

Try not to think to far ahead. Everyones grieving is different. I have been at this for a little over a year and I am so glad that the first year is over because it was hard but you will come out a stronger person. I still cry but for shorter periods of time. I miss my husband terribly and I tell him every night that I love him. This long week-end is Thanksgiving so I am going to spend it with the ones I love. My daughter, my dog and my three cats.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[Boo Mayhew]

It's 04h00 here in the UK and I can't sleep because someone has burgled me. I'm not capable of writing anything semi-sensible to you, but I wanted to give you a cyber-hug and share my mantra with you, which is:

Breath, breath, be still and it will pass.

In addition, I'm adding some wise words from Winnie-the-Pooh:

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you.

[Korina]

It's 04h00 here in the UK and I can't sleep because someone has burgled me. I'm not capable of writing anything semi-sensible to you, but I wanted to give you a cyber-hug and share my mantra with you, which is:

Breath, breath, be still and it will pass.

In addition, I'm adding some wise words from Winnie-the-Pooh:

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you.

Boo - a burglary - are you alright!?

[Boo Mayhew]

Yes am fine Korina ... what happened was my dog-sitters boyfriend turned out to be a thief. Rolex, an antique planter pot, some boxes of Cliff's building materials (electrical and plumbing stuff I think) has gone too. Little b@stard .... so some of Cliff's friends are hunting him down to get the stuff back, and they are staying here when I'm on vacation etc .... thank god they are all there for me!

Boo - a burglary - are you alright!?

[Korina]

Yes am fine Korina ... what happened was my dog-sitters boyfriend turned out to be a thief. Rolex, an antique planter pot, some boxes of Cliff's building materials (electrical and plumbing stuff I think) has gone too. Little b@stard .... so some of Cliff's friends are hunting him down to get the stuff back, and they are staying here when I'm on vacation etc .... thank god they are all there for me!

I am so glad you have Cliff's friends helping out. (I wouldn't want to be the boyfriend when they find him!)

I am relieved you are okay - you sure didn't need this kind of drama!

Korina

[JeanneC]

Hi Boo:

I am happy that you are OK. That is so nice about Cliff's friends. Alex's friends are there for me when I need them. You are so nice, that even during the burglery, you had time to write something nice for someone else.

Love,

Jeanne

[kath]

"[in addition, I'm adding some wise words from Winnie-the-Pooh:

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you."

Dear Susie,

You are really early into this journey and I imagine you already have a good idea why it is called grief "work." It is a full-time job for a while, but the intense pain you feel on a daily basis does lessen over time. Sometimes I get a little scared posting after two-plus years, because I don't want those just starting out to worry about time. But it was those people two years ago that carried me while I was new. It may be two steps forward, one step back for a long while, but don't get too wrapped up in looking to the future. You are right where you need to be today. If you can just get through this moment, you will gain the strength and momentum to carry you through.

I love what Boo shared with us. Soon you take a chance on minor repairs, or driving where you thought you never could and each new accomplishment is magnified because you did it. You'll feel brave and smart and find new friends that will help along the way and you'll know, that your beloved is watching and caring and waiting.

Be gentle on yourself, and come back often. Boo is just one example of the strength we muster on this daring path. (So glad you are okay, by the way, Ms. Mayhew.)

Love,

Kath

[kayc]

When I was raising my kids there was a child rearing book out called "Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Backwards"...I think grief is a lot like that. We have to realize that in the overal scheme of things, we're progressing forward...even when we're taking two steps backwards.