Weekends Are The Worst

[Kat2005]

I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't get out of this dark place that I am in right now. I should be happy that the weekend is here but I'm not. I don't look forward to the weekends anymore. Weekends should be fun. We should be doing things together. Even it was just working in the yard. I do not have anything to look forward to. I keep taking out our wedding pictures and looking at them. I find comfort in looking at them although I get upset everytime. I can't believe that we will not have the life that we had planned.

My husband was so proud of our son. He is in his first year of Med School and it makes me so sad that he will never see him become a doctor. This would have been a wonderful time for them. They both loved playing golf. They would have been enjoying each others company right now. My son was robbed of having an adult father/son relationship. This is not fair. I just don't understand why this had to happen. It is four months and it seems like I miss him more each day. I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I can't.

Thanks for listening.

Kat

[Maryo]

Kat,

Please don't be to hard on yourself. We go through many emotions after such a loss. Some days I feel I have it together and then I wake up one morning and I just want to crawl back under the covers. You will find joy again on the week-ends but it takes time.I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[LindaKoz]

Hi Kat. Hugs to you. I understand exactly what you are feeling. Weekends used to be fun. Now I have to make sure I have something, anything to do so I'm not sitting at home by myself. And, I also keep looking at pictures. I know that they will make me cry but I just keep wanting to see Brian's face, his smile. I want to make sure that I remember everything about him. I don't want to forget anything.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are living in the Valley of the Shadows right now. I wish that there was something I could do or say that would take away all of our pain. Sadly, we have to walk this grief journey. It's not fair. We have been cheated. Our loved ones have been cheated. At least we have each other. I'm here for you and I'm listening.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Korina]

Kat:

I empathize with your feelings on the relationship of which your son has been robbed. Kailyn was only 4.5 months old when her father died - she will never know her father but for what others can tell her, pictures I will show her, and through his things that will become hers. How can I do justice to this task? I will do the best I can. I will pray that he may come to her when she is old enough to remember. It breaks my heart as we had been trying for so long to get pregnant. I used to see couples with babies and long for a child; now I see couples with babies and long for my husband. As we all know, it just ISN'T FAIR.

My heart goes out to you.

Korina

[LindaKoz]

Hugs to you Korina. You are right, it is not FAIR. But, I have faith that you will do great justice to making sure your daughter knows her father because you are doing it out of love. And, love will prevail. Are you putting together memory books and writing in journals.

Brian left three grandchildren (4 1/2, 20 months, and 9 weeks). When I am with them they warm my heart but they also remind me that he was cheated. He loved them so much and had so much fun with them. I, too, will help to make sure they know the man who was their grandfather.

My prayers go to everyone as we continue on this grief journey. It's dark, it's filled with pain, and I'm sure we all just want to get off.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Boo Mayhew]

Kat, I think weekends are actually the worst days of the week, because it is then that we normally get the time to think, because we are not focussing on our work and chores so much. The house is too quiet. The silence is deafening ... I dread them even now, although at the same time, I take advantage of the time to visit people that I care about and love, sometimes I choose to stay at home alone with my grief ... I potter about, I play on my laptop, I work on my grief. Try and work in some stuff to look forward to, a weekend visit to a friend's, saving up for something that you'd like, I find it helps me a lot. At around the 4 month - 6 month stage, I found that I missed Cliff more ... at least it felt that way. Perhaps it was because I stopped going through the endless random cycle of emotions - anger, guilt, numbness, denial etc - that I was still and quiet enough for the pain to come to the fore - I'm not sure.

It is very very tough and painful this journey. Do what you need to do to get through each day at a time ... give yourself permission to grieve as deeply as you must, and remember there are no time constraints ... each person's grief and loss and timescale differs.

I think that it would be strange if you could see the light at the end of the tunnel, considering you have only recently (4 months) entered the tunnel. Be kind to yourself. Please have more patience with yourself - you deserve it and you need it.

Strength and love to you

x

I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't get out of this dark place that I am in right now. I should be happy that the weekend is here but I'm not. I don't look forward to the weekends anymore. Weekends should be fun. We should be doing things together. Even it was just working in the yard. I do not have anything to look forward to. I keep taking out our wedding pictures and looking at them. I find comfort in looking at them although I get upset everytime. I can't believe that we will not have the life that we had planned.

My husband was so proud of our son. He is in his first year of Med School and it makes me so sad that he will never see him become a doctor. This would have been a wonderful time for them. They both loved playing golf. They would have been enjoying each others company right now. My son was robbed of having an adult father/son relationship. This is not fair. I just don't understand why this had to happen. It is four months and it seems like I miss him more each day. I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I can't.

Thanks for listening.

Kat

[dmnoon]

Since retirement weekends have no special meaning. Often times we had to check the newspaper to be sure what day of the week it actually was. Lee has been gone just over 3 months and everyday the house seems bigger because he filled so much of it with his presence. At least I know his discomfort is over and he has to be in a better place.

Diane

[laurieb]

I work in pediatrics with sick children all week long and by the time the weekend comes I am so exhausted, I used to want to just fall into Scott's arms, talk, walk, love and laugh with him. just come down from my stressful week, well my weeks haven't changed but I don't have my "rock" there waiting for me... to love me and be there. I HATE the weekends!! I have to rest, have to slow down and have to "feel". it stinks!! the pain after 7 months is a bit stronger because I am no longer numb and having to handle all the immediate crisis things. Life is "suppose" to be back to "normal" and weekends are to be with families and .. well.. I don't have one to speak of now.. I HATE it and I'm so mad! I hear this is a phase and I want to scream at that too... I just want this all to go away. I want my life back. I want my life with Scott back. I don't deserve this and neither do our boys. I know Im not alone as many of you all feel the same way or have felt but I sure do feel alone as I sit here. I still don't want to accept invitations to go anywhere and yet I don't want to be alone.. talk about being confused...

sorry for rambling on..

laurie

[azusaman]

Laurie, You're right, this whole thing stinks. Sure wish you all would say that it is better in 6 or 7 months, but it doesn't sound like it. I really relate to the not wanting to go anywhere but also not wanting to be alone. The loneliness is really bad. Don't worry about rambling on...I thought I was the only one that did that.

Lots of love from Ted

[LindaKoz]

I think that we all have those rambling times. Right now my son is home with me so things feel a bit better. He's really good at being with me, listening to me, letting me cry, and just offering support and comfort. When he's at college there are times that I feel so alone. I go to work, I go to my classes, I go to see friends and family. But all that I really want to do is be with Brian . . . but he's gone. I guess it is true that we just have to take life one moment at a time. I know that when I try to look toward the future I get really scared. I can handle looking at tomorrow but not next week or next month or next year. I do know that I am thankful that I can come here because I know that everyone understands.

I'm sending hugs from Pa. to everyone. I wish we could all get off this grief journey but I also understand the importance of honoring all the emotions we are feeling. My thoughts and prayers are with each and every one of you.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[kath]

Dear Kat,

One of the hardest parts of my grief journey is worrying about if our children will come through this intact. Bob's only hope after being diagnosed with Hepatitis C was to see them graduate from high school. Well, he didn't even see them enter middle school. So, I worry and I ache and I watch for signs that they are not okay. To grow up without a father, especially one that was so loved by them, can't be easy. It hurts to see our children suffer. That has to be the biggest problem with parenthood. We are too eager to absorb their pain with our own. I believe our spouses can watch over our children still. They can be in places we can't. I rely on that.

I'm sure your husband is extremely proud of your son, but we will always wish they were here to tell them theirselves.

Take good care,

Kath

[Korina]

Hugs to you Korina. You are right, it is not FAIR. But, I have faith that you will do great justice to making sure your daughter knows her father because you are doing it out of love. And, love will prevail. Are you putting together memory books and writing in journals.

Brian left three grandchildren (4 1/2, 20 months, and 9 weeks). When I am with them they warm my heart but they also remind me that he was cheated. He loved them so much and had so much fun with them. I, too, will help to make sure they know the man who was their grandfather.

My prayers go to everyone as we continue on this grief journey. It's dark, it's filled with pain, and I'm sure we all just want to get off.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Thanks for asking, Linda. I am writing letters to Scott, most of which are appropriate for her to read someday. We also have many, many photos, and I plan to start and official "Memory Journal", though I have already written of some in our letters. Also, I have saved remembrances written by friends, both near and afar, on the "In Memory Of" facebook page.

At the beginning of this journey, one of the things that helped me through was formulating ideas about different things that would pass to Kailyn, things I could do to help her know her father.

Hugs,

Korina

[kayc]

Yes, weekends are the worst. We are busy at work during the week, but somehow we expect weekends to be "the reward", the "time you look forward to"...only now, without them, what is there to look forward to? Endless time stretching on before us, trying to fill the void, quiet, all too quiet...chores we can't seem to finish or tasks we don't know how to fill (or pay for)...noone to hold at night, noone to enjoy things with...yes, weekends are the worst. The only thing I can say is try to schedule something you might enjoy, something you can look forward to, time with a grandchild, time with a friend, get out and dont stay in all of the time, get your mind off of yourself and your loneliness...maybe help a neighbor with something...or come on line here and talk with others who are also going through the same thing. Here it doesn't matter that it's 3:00 in the morning and you can't sleep, chances are someone else isn't sleeping either. It takes so much effort, but try to find some way to bring even the smallest tiniest joy back into your life again.