Dreams

[furkid]

I am new to this community. My husband passed away 5/8/09 from T-Cell Non-Hodkins Lymphoma. I still have issues with how he was treated before he was diagnosed, but I'm trying to emphasize it less in my life.

My question is - When did the rest of start having dreams of your spouse. Mine just started a few weeks ago and took me totally by surprise. In the first one he we still alive and in Roswell Cancer Institute, in July. The next 2 became less and less realistic in circumstance, but he was still there. The first one sort of unhinged me for a whole day. The next 2 weren't so bad because he just sort of magically appeared, healthy, and in the dream I decided not to question it.

I'm wondering if it's because some part of me wishes reality was a dream, and once I recover from my dilusion, he will be there.

He was the first man I ever fell totally in love with, and I was almost 31 at the time. I only had him for less than 16 years. I'm not an easy person to live with and never had luck with men anyway, so I figure I will be alone until I die.

Sorry, that's a whole lot of information in a short period of time, but I think I'm ready to talk to other people about it, and find out what hurtles I have yet to cross.

Someone who I work with, and had lost his 19 year old son due to his buddies and him fooling around, gave me this information which has made alot of sense. You'll never be the same again, but it does get easeier over time. To me that meant it will always be different, and the pain will never totally go away, but I'll learn to cope. (I may have distorted that a little over time, but compared to the more common thought of, you'll get over it, this made more sense.)

PK

[mrspapajohn]

Pk - - Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your husband. In my opinion, there is nothing more difficult that we will ever go through than the loss of a spouse, someone who loves us for who we are, and whom we loved so very, very much. If nothing else, we were very fortunate to have experienced such love, but that certainly does not make it any easier.

I started dreamng about Stephen a couple of months after he died. At first, having the dreams was difficult because I was so devastated to wake up and find that they were just dreams, that in actuality, I had to face another day without him. Now, when I dream of Stephen, which is often, I speak with him as if he were just somewhere else, waiting and watching for me. I find the dreams very comforting.

I believe that we all wish we could change, or make a difference, in the final weeks, months, hours of our loved one's life. Unfortunately, that cannot happen, so I am so glad that you are able to have less emphasis on these things. They can eat you up.

We are all changed by this horrid experience. We are not who we were when we had our loves, and now, in addition to the grieving, we have to figure out who we are now and, as hard as it is to even picture, who we will be without our loves in our life. I believe that this will be a truly new discovery for all of us, so don't be surprised if you do not just automatically turn into the same person you were before you married. Their love has changed us and now we must discover how, and what will help us make our own way in this world and be happy again.

You have certainly found the right place to talk. Everyone on this site has and is suffering through grief and really cares about others in the same plight. Here, you will find sympathetic ears, support and sometimes great advice. I hope that it helps you. You will be in my thoughts.

Kathy

[Maryo]

Hi PK,

I am sorry about the loss of your husband.I just wanted to welcome you. This is a good place to come for comfort and

understanding.People here understand about this difficult grief journey.

Mary Lou

[Chai]

Dear PK,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It is very hard to lose people, and it is very hard to walk around when you know your life has changed forever, and see people whose lives are still the same. I think your friend has a good point with his words. We don't get over it, but we can survive it, get through it.

I am not someone who lost my spouse, but I have had dreams of my loved ones. I think it took me...a couple weeks?...before I started dreaming about my dad. For some reason I am never allowed to think he is still not-gone, in my dreams, but it is lovely to see him every time. I've had them less the past few months, but just the other day I sat with him beside a bridge just like old times, and he wore an old favorite plaid shirt.

Feel free to share anything and everything here. We are a community, we share and uphold and listen to each other.

Cherish those dreams. They are special. Some of them are extra tough - more like nightmares - but I hope those that come to you are like sweet breaths of an old, familiar air.

take care,

Chai

[Rochel]

Dear PK

Like everybody else told you welcome to this wonderful caring family...I stop here at least 3 times or more a day..it is like stopping in to talk with friends that truly understand...I have many friends, but the friends here are walking a mile in eachother's shoes every minute of every day...Some days harder than others..that is why you need us...I'm sorry that you lost Randy..Try to read as many good grief books as you can...They give you information that you haven't even thought of and other info that you are going thru and can relate to...As far as, does it change us losing our loves? YES a resounding YES for the good??? who knows..all I know is that it is too hard to be around people without spilling my guts and tears and since that is so hard for me, I chose to keep it to myself....except here...stop in anytime..we are all here to be a safe place to fall...Blessings, Rochel

[Lucia Abeytia]

PK lst let me express my deepest sympathy on the loss of your husband....This is a good place to come because everyone here is going thru the same thing and they offer you good advice and just someone that understands you...this is the hardest thing i have ever had to go thru i lost my Ben in Feb..I have no regrets about the care that he recieved he had been sick for 6yrs. I thougt i was prepared but nothing prepares you for the loss of your best freiend...they say the 1st yr is the worst i don't know but i do know that it has been HeLL!! this month has been the hardest our annivary is tomorrow and i don't know how it is going to be but i know that when i start to feel depressed or lost all i have to do is come here and vent and everyone understands...So please come often even if just to read the post because it all helps we are all travaling on this journey together!!! Cry when you need to but remember to take care of yourself....

[JeanneC]

PK

I am sorry for your loss of your husband. You have come to the right place. Everyone here is so nice, helpful and understanding.

As far as the dreams go. I lost my husband just about 1 1/2 years ago. I had my first dream of him 2 weeks ago. It was so real that I started to go backwards in my grief process. It was not as if the dream was bad, but it was as if he came back from the dead in the dream. After my husband passed, I had to clean out two spare rooms of equipment and different items. I had to hire a company to do that. I still kept his personal items for at least a year. In the dream my husband was sitting in my kitchen where he always sat and looking around and I told him that I gave everything away and he said: "that's OK I understand" but looked perplexed. I told him not to get excited because he had a bad heart. I know there was more to the dream, but I forgotten the other parts of the dream, but this seemed real. I felt so guilty after this that I thought that I might have done a bad thing in given things away. Sometimes dreams cause more problems. It was good to see Alex and that I did not forget what he looked liked, but I was sad for him.

I hope that you continue to post here.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[Rochel]

I had a wonderful dream about my Bob...I was standing on a street (don't know where) and he walked up to me with a whole group of other people and they all seemed to be very bright and lit up...My husband included..He turned to me and smiled and looked very healthy and happy and put his hands on my shoulders and gave me the best kiss like a Heavenly kiss (not to use a cliche) but it was very warm and comforting, then he smiled again...beautiful smile and started to walk away and....I asked him if he could see me from there and he smiled and didn't answer and walked away, with all the people leaving at the same time..I woke up feeling blessed and comforted and not in that horrible heavy sorrowful place...I'm praying for another dream like this one...Hope everybody has a day of hugs....Rochel

[derby]

First of all I am so sorry for your loss. I have not yet had the gift of a dream and perhaps it is too soon. My husband died 10/10/09. It is my belief that God will send that to me when he knows I am ready. In his time. I tend to want to control events and throughout my husbands last weeks with us, I finally learned/accepted that God is in control. Honestly, I believe shock is still with me a bit, as I keep going back and forth in acceptance. My Dr. suggested I let God steer my life, so I am really trying to do so. Hopefully wonderful dreams will come to all of us. Blessings, Debbie

[LindaKoz]

Hi PK. You've found a community where we all understand your loss because we are walking this grief journey along with you. I wish this was a path that you did not have to walk but I've found there is no other way toward healing. I think you are right when you say that the pain will never go away. My hope is that some day it will just be a little easier to bear. That I might reach a place where I experience some peace and I can look at pictures and memories of Brian without the overwhelming anguish that I feel right now. And, I hope this for each and every one of us.

I've only had one dream about Brian so far. It was a bit odd but upon reflection it did give me some solace. Brian passed away seven weeks ago after he had an infection which got into his blood stream. I took him to the hospital and he was gone within 14 hours. I was feeling a little bit of guilt and needed reassurance that it wasn't my fault. That's what I took away from the dream.

I saw on another post that you had the courage to go to a folk festival. Brian and I enjoyed music festivals (particulary Celtic music) and I'm just not sure how I will be able to face that part of my journey. The thought of going without him is too sad for me right now. Maybe some day. But, I applaud your courage.

Come here as often as you need to. I find that sometimes just getting these thoughts out of my head offers a bit of peace. Often I cry while I type my posts but I also think that crying helps to release the emotions I am feeling. Anyway, we are here to listen and to support you on this journey. May you find the peace and solace that your heart needs.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Fredzgirl]

Hello PK,

I'm Fredzgirl. Fred died 4 months ago. About six weeks ago I had two closely spaced dreams of him and nothing since. I haven't recalled any dreams for quite awhile. I loved seeing Fred in my dreams and wonder if I went to bed earlier or later would make a difference in my dreaming and recollection. Maybe I'll experiment. I'm very sorry for your loss. My heart aches wheneve I see a new person on this site because I know how painful it is to have lost a spouse of S.O.

Take care,

Fredzgirl

[Korina]

PK:

It is good you have found this forum - I know it has helped me immensely.

I have had several dreams about my husband, the first one maybe a week after he died. But they have mostly been the wonky and disjointed kind. Scott died just about 5 months ago, and I often ask him to show his face, or come to me in a dream. I will wait. In the meantime, I believe he has helped me get through those "first" days (wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, etc). And come to me through little signs.

Your co-worker is right. You never get over your grief. Both my mother and mother in law told me that. It changes you forever. It just gets easier, you deal with it, but it always remains a part of you. And it should. We loved them with all our hearts.

Take care of yourself; sometimes, you will just have to concentrate and getting by from moment to moment, day by day. That is okay. I found that not pressuring yourself to do too much helped me.

Take care,

Korina

[furkid]

Thanks for all the comments and support. I'm still learning how to navigate around and how to track things I've posted to. I decided to go visit some of the ones I hadn't checked in awhile and I'm glad they continued on.

You all are right about the crying part. Crying easily has been almost a curse in my family, but now it's about every other day. . . . . .Except when I try to read something on grief or visit sites like this one. Then the tears just stream down my face non-stop. Speaking of that, why don't we have a smiley face showing that. It's unusual not to have a crying one. I guess we figure were're all doing that anyway, so we don't need a picture of it.

I must admit, I have not had any more dreams since the ones I had ealier. A friend of mine looks at them as visits from the deceased person, and she loves it when she has a dream about her mother.

Take care.