laurieb Posted December 10, 2009 Report Share Posted December 10, 2009 I know so many of the answers with my head, take it easy, don't push yourself, and on and on. I know it is Christmas and it is my first with out my Scott but I am truly so so lonely. I just returned home from a 12 hour day. I have a good job with lots of interaction and responsiblity and the day can go by relatively quickly sometimes. And then I come home and ..my reality hits and God I am so sad. It really isn't going to get better is it? I get that I will get stronger and perhaps this pain will diminish over time but my life will never be happy and fulfilled like it was.. ever! Oh my God, that reality is just so hard for me to grasp. I only have a few more months before our youngest graduates highschool and heads off to college and then my reality gets even dimmer.. I am, and always have been a home body. I love to be home, love to cook, clean and just be with my husband. we really did like one another. I don't want to figure out who I am at 48! I'm very shy by nature (although my staff would just laugh at that comment) but my personal and professional life is worlds apart. Do i just wait around and get old? I don't want to find myself, join clubs, reach out... I dont want to!!!! I want to come home to my daily hug, dinner, the "I love you" and great conversatoin with my closest friend in the world. I have always prided myself in being there for everyone else, being sensible, smart and positive...not any more. so sorry for dumping ... my reality is just overwhelming for me right now. Laurie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
derby Posted December 10, 2009 Report Share Posted December 10, 2009 Laurie, You seem to echo where I am at with my life. Tonight is the first night I came home since my husband died and I will be alone for 5 hours. Didn't really want to leave work, but on the other hand, I was ready to get away from the office. Being alone will be good for me to try to work through this, I realize. Much prefer people, but I am tired of always being strong and maybe tears will flow easier if I am alone in the evening? Clubs and activities will be there when and if you decide you want to join them. We have to try to remember this is our journey, to be taken at our own pace. To honor our feelings. For me, work is enough and I have added support group, however reading, this forumn, and family plus a few friends that understand are all I want for the moment. I have faith and hope that as we work through this, we will grow, continue to change, and we will eventually, down the road, when we are ready....and only then....decide what may make us feel like exploring new things. Blessings to you. You are not alone. Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted December 10, 2009 Report Share Posted December 10, 2009 (((Laurie))) No need to apologize, my friend, that's what we are here for. Our lives are forever changed and we all need to find our own way to work through the pain and the grief. I'm sitting at home alone tonight. It was a bad day and I didn't have the energy to drive to my class which is 40 minutes away. I also felt like a panic attack was coming on so I chose to put on Brian's clothes and hibernate. I wish I had some wisdom to share. Rather, I can offer an ear to listen, a heart which understands, and lots of prayers. Grief is WORK and even if there is an "end" we don't get the prize we wish for. You'll find you way somehow and we'll forge this path together. For now, take all of the time you need to grieve for your beloved Scott. Your love was great and there's no easy way around the pain you are feeling. I'm sending prayers and love you way. Hoping you can find moments of peace and solace. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kath Posted December 10, 2009 Report Share Posted December 10, 2009 Dear Laurie, It is inconcievable at this stage to look too far into the future. We really don't know what our life will be like, but we certainly can understand that we want no part of it the way it is now. I've been in your shoes, at the end of the day, catching glimpses of my home with my children gone and sorely missing my husband. I had just turned 48 when he died. I loved being his wife and didn't have the energy to re-discover where I belonged in this world. I did reach a point where I no longer wanted to carry the sadness. It was too heavy and lasting too long and I made a conscious decision to find something to be happy about each day. It was a slow process and there were many days I felt I had to "make things up" because life rarely held any happiness any longer. Gratefulness has a way of creeping into our hearts. Once there, it sort of eeks out our mouth, opens our eyes and fine tunes our ears. Life changes and while there are days I still have to specifically look for those things I enjoy, it isn't so exhausting anymore. I keep running into situations that would have been so difficult for Bob to handle. We are never given the reasons at the onset of all of this, but as time goes on, I think that that he went at a time that was good for him. I knew his dying was never about me. It has always been about him. I'm what is left to live. And I cannot do that half way. As a bonus, I am discovering who I am. Fortunately for me, a lot of that is a tribute to my husband. The good that was us is still here, it just has to fly solo for now. Just today, driving in our first snow (I have an hour commute) I was scared of the ice and blowing snow. I said a little prayer on the way to work and found myself behind a plow. I was fine with that and then looked in the rear view mirror. There was an ambulance behind me. I couldn't help but think I was wrapped in safety. I pray you are also feeling safe tonight. Kath Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susie Q Posted December 10, 2009 Report Share Posted December 10, 2009 Dear Laurie My heart aches when reading your post because you are describing me too. I know that we all want the same thing - the only thing not possible to have. I have no answers. I only hope that we can all find some meaning for the future, one that will never be the the way it was supposed to be, without our loved ones in it. In my darkest times, I ask myself if I would rather suffer this heartbreak at losing him or never have met him? The answer is always the same - anything is worth having known him for 40 years and having had 32 years of a full and loving marriage. Doesn't take away my sadness or loneliness but helps me accept the pain a little better....Susie Q Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted December 10, 2009 Report Share Posted December 10, 2009 Laurie - the head might be logical, but the heart sure isn't. You wrote exactly what I was thinking in the early months. I was afraid if I didn't jump back in there, so to speak, life would pass me by. What I did learn was I couldn't force anything. What I ended up doing was acknowledging that - and that entailed a lot of journaling, reading and posting here, and a lot of introspection. Because it's not just the traumatic loss of our spouses, it's also about the fact that we need to find out who we are again. It's not an easy process, and it's on-going. Projecting the future, good or bad, is a fantasy, to quote my therapist. It's living in the here and now - I can't tell you how many times I would repeat that to myself as a mantra. Today is ... and that's all I'm going to think about right now. I hope this makes sense! Hugs, Marsha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurieb Posted December 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 I cant even begin to share how much I respect and admire all of you and how this forum is my lifeline some days. I sit in bed on a Friday night with a warm fire going, a household full of groceries and I actually shopped and wrapped presents today! So many of you are so similar and I don't feel so crazy, and so many more are so much further in their journey and I have something to work toward. Thank you for your love, prayers and understanding. Laurie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Hi Kath, I love the way you write...especially the part about gratefulness...I do believe once we thank the Lord not for the loss but for him to see us thru the loss...He will see us through once we surrender that he can, and only He can help us...Going through this journey takes so much faith that we can live our lives once again...I'm going on 3 months on Christmas Eve and if I didn't have my belief, I would go backwards...I agree with you about finding something in nature to be thankful about...The part about you being the one left to live...I have often thought of that...we are the ones that has to deal with our emptiness and loneliness, so we need God's strength to see us thru...God Bless you...Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kath Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Dear Rochel, Thank you for your reply. I don't want to "hijack" this thread, but there have been so many times (too numerous to count) where I specifically felt God's love and protection through Bob's illness and my grief journey. One morning, feeling totally alone and completely devastated, I sat in church bawling. I had no idea how I was to go forward or take care of children that were in so much pain, when all I could feel was my own crushing sadness. I was there about an hour when I suddenly noticed the stations of the cross. I studied them for a while before this incredible warmth spread through me. I knew right then that God understood my anguish. He watched his only son go through turmoil and death. That realization gave me so much hope. I no longer felt like I was alone. I had a companion on this walk that had been there and would see me through it. It doesn't mean I don't fall back on occasion. I tend to let go of that trust and then I struggle. But I have never again felt that depth of lonliness and that has been a huge blessing for me. I don't think anything in this life can prepare us for the work we do after losing our spouse. It is life altering. I pray everyone here has a companion to walk with through the pain. I can imagine going it alone, but this way is so much gentler. Love, Kath Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
derby Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 I have found that my faith has grown through this journey and I try to be thankful, grateful and look more to God for what his plans are for me. I have no idea where I will end up, just know if I try to walk with God, he will give me what I need, who I need and opportunities to be and do what he wants me to do. I learned thorugh my husband's illness and the final weeks of his life, God is in control. This was a hard lesson for me to learn. And we are all still learning....I pray every night for my "family" here and that all our hearts will be lightened. Thank you all for being by my side and each others side. There is nothing I fear writing about here because we all understand. Blessings. Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Dear Kath, I can honestly feel your strength in this letter...you have so much to give to your loved ones and to us here in this lil family...The Lord met you at your lowest point and I pray that for all of us here...Your posts lend much encouragement for all of us..We are all in the same boat at different stages of this journey, but nevertheless we are all in grief...I read devotionals, talk to the Lord, pray, and fellowship with good friends, but this new life is difficult getting off the ground....we have to replace our old life with the new and that can only be accomplished by the Lord and our willingness to change...taking steps to change is the hardest part...Bless you, Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnG Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 laurieb, I feel exactly the same way. My constant companion for over nineteen years was ripped from my life and I am just so lonely. I have dear friends and family but it's not the same as having the person you love there talking to you, laughing with you and loving you. Life just seems so desolate.I now spend so much time by myself and I hate it. Everything and everybody reminds me of the loss in my life. I'm angry, resentful and jealous anytime I see someone with what I no longer have, I'm inconsolable when I hear friends talk about their plans with their spouses. I'm constantly told that the pain will dull and it will take time but these are just such empty words from people with somebody! Right now, in the middle of the night when the fear overwhelms me out of the little sleep that I do get, the concept of "it taking time" does not help. My life consists of keeping busy constantly so I don't drown in lonliness. I'm tired and I want to rest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AZJane Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 I could have written this post. ((hugs)) It's overcast, gloomy and I'm actually sitting here in pajamas after noon?? Yikes. So NOT me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryo Posted December 13, 2009 Report Share Posted December 13, 2009 Hi Laurie, I think the hardest part besides missing my husband terribly is the lonliness. My daughter is 25 and soon it will be time for her to go out on her own and I am dreading that day.I do understand. Taking a early retirement took a big chunk out of my social life.Everyone lives so far away. I had to force myself to join a yoga club. It was my time. I am not ready to go back out into the work force yet.My self esteem needs some work. Marsha, Your words about finding out who we are again rang so true for me.I was married for 25 years and I am my own chief now and I am finding it very hard on my second year.I hope after Christmas my emotions will settle down because I am not a lot of fun to be around.I also lost my husband in July 2008. Lots of prayers for everyone to get us through this holiday. Mary Lou Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted December 13, 2009 Report Share Posted December 13, 2009 Laurie: I hear ya. Just these last few days, once Kailyn is asleep, and I am tired enough to go to sleep, I lie there is bed just thinking how quiet it is. How empty his side of the bed is (though I usually have clothes piled on it - subconscious effort to have something there, or just laziness at folding clothes...?). Luckily, one of the cats often hops up on the bed. But I can't roll over and touch him, anymore. This sucks. Sorry if this is a downer post... Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurieb Posted December 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 13, 2009 Gosh... please steal this thread with the truth that without God we don't have anything and can not get through this.. I was so touched by all your strength! I have said over and over to my friends, "this pain is so horrific that you can not get over it without faith" It certainly doesn't discount the fact that we are human and have tough days and Christmas time is also so difficult. Just last night I had to run out to the store, it was 6pm and cold and dark and something told me to go visit Scott at the cemetary. I did and there was my son by himself, standing there over Scott crying... If we think that God is not with us, steering us as well as all our loved ones... HE is! I hugged him and my 18 year old sobbed in my arms...We prayed, placed a new cross that I bought and had in my car and I felt the most wonderful peace. We left and had a nice night together as a family. They are with us! God is with us all! I have to work sometimes at that, this grief can suck me down and then I do feel so alone. I do have God and HE will help me through this. We have each other, and there is not coincidence that we are all here.. Thanks Marty T!!! laurie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted December 13, 2009 Report Share Posted December 13, 2009 Hi Marsha, I'm with you on this one...we need to find out who are we again...lately, I have gone from the pain of loss to anger to shut down...it would be a fantasy is we could go back to breathing again, like Lindakoz always says...Yes, it is living in the here and now that is so damn difficult...can we all do it...???? Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted December 13, 2009 Report Share Posted December 13, 2009 Dear Laurie My heart aches when reading your post because you are describing me too. I know that we all want the same thing - the only thing not possible to have. I have no answers. I only hope that we can all find some meaning for the future, one that will never be the the way it was supposed to be, without our loved ones in it. In my darkest times, I ask myself if I would rather suffer this heartbreak at losing him or never have met him? The answer is always the same - anything is worth having known him for 40 years and having had 32 years of a full and loving marriage. Doesn't take away my sadness or loneliness but helps me accept the pain a little better....Susie Q Amen Sister...not ever have known him would be a huge loss for me too....Bless you Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted December 13, 2009 Report Share Posted December 13, 2009 Hi Korina, I think we are all keeping eachother company with our misery...it is such a hard time of year to join in with other people's happiness...I almost get mad when somebody forces me to into the festivities...this is not me and the pjs in the afternoon (AZ Jane) when are we all going to be able to break out of this lull of sadness and grief...The grief monster is abounding big time lately...I'm so glad that you have your little Kailyn, such a cute name....Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted December 13, 2009 Report Share Posted December 13, 2009 She has her first cold, hates getting her nose wiped, and is starting to eat finger foods on her own! Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EllenF Posted December 14, 2009 Report Share Posted December 14, 2009 Dear Laurie My heart aches when reading your post because you are describing me too. I know that we all want the same thing - the only thing not possible to have. I have no answers. I only hope that we can all find some meaning for the future, one that will never be the the way it was supposed to be, without our loved ones in it. In my darkest times, I ask myself if I would rather suffer this heartbreak at losing him or never have met him? The answer is always the same - anything is worth having known him for 40 years and having had 32 years of a full and loving marriage. Doesn't take away my sadness or loneliness but helps me accept the pain a little better....Susie Q I love what you said Susie Q about "would I rather suffer this heartbreat at losing him or never met him" I have been asked if I ever regretted my marriage because of the health struggles we had on our journey, (and I know these people love me even though its an insensitive question) and I so agree that your quote is so correct. Thanks for that, it helps me too!!!!!!!Ellen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now