Christmas Enviornments - Staring Off Into Space

[Rochel]

Today I decided, "okay I'm going to go buy some Christmas cards for some special people"...you stand there and look at all the cards and everything becomes a blur..you see "to wife", "to husband", "for both" at Christmas...I looked at Birthday cards because mine is coming in January and you think those cards do not apply to me either...you want to leave without buying anything..because the grief is coming and you cannot stop it...then you realize that here it is again and I have to deal with it...you make your purchases and hit the car in tears...have to drive in traffic crying again...and say when am I going to be normal again...This is such a hard time of the year and yet it still keeps coming....Is this what my family members here are feeling???????????????Rochel

[leeann]

I haven't lost my spouse. I have lost my parents. But yes I have done exactly what you did today... many, many times. And feel that I am tired of "doing" the holidays without them! I'm just tired of it. I want them back.. like a petulant lil kid.. arms crossed across my chest.. lower lip pouting..tears coursing down my cheeks & all. And I'm dangerously close to 50 yrs old!

Doesn't matter.. age doesn't matter. The loss is just as big.

When I am I going to be normal again?? I'm not. I will have to continue to find a new normal.

But... sometimes.... I get tired of doing that.... and I want things the way they used to be. And that's ok for me to feel that way.

Right now... as in tonight??? I'm clinging to the memories I am blessed to have. Recalling the times we were blessed to have together. And if I cry?? I don't care.. I just let the tears fall.

I find it just doesn't simply "go away" and I have to deal with it everyday too. The only thing time does for me is make it less intense. I will always miss them.... and love them. ANd still I leave the store... hurrying to make the car before I sob "out loud".

No... haven't lost my spouse. But I have lost and done so significantly. So.. yes I am feeling it tonight and hurting too.

But I feel grateful too. If I wasn't loved so well... I wouldn't hurt so bad. But know.. you are not alone....never in this community.

(((((Hugs))))

[Korina]

In a word, Yes.

I find that lately, I have been able to put up a bit of a wall when faced with such things as cards (not always). But even with blocking out the heavy emotions, temporarily, the dull ache of loss is ever present. Sigh. One day at a time, I guess. I don't find much comfort these days in words of encouragement, but in an awful way , it helps to know that my family here is going through the same emotions and loss, and finding ways to survive and become strong.

Korina

[David'sGirlStill]

Hi my friends,

Yes, I so agree with all of you. Card stores are landmines. I had a major breakdown in one actually. We will get through this. Back to normal, I know I'll never be the old normal I was. But I sure am hopeing that one day I'll have a new normal. My hugs and thoughts are with you all.

Phyllis

[derby]

Yes it has been a really, really hard week. To top it off, the 16th was my husband's birthday. I was at a Dr's appt that day and just fell apart. And then today while getting out things for Xmas Eve, I found the Valentine's Day Card he gave me last year. Thank goodness I was the only one awake as the tears would not stop for the longest time. I know this is part of the process, just would like to have a grip on this thing. Today is 10 weeks he died and I am feeling it more than ever. Maybe realization? Not sure. Just want to be normal and have control and perhaps that is part of my problem. I need to give in and stop "faking it". Would just like to pack up and go away for a few weeks, but, I can't right now. Too much responsibility. Here is hoping we all find some peace and comfort from within to help us through the holidays. Blessings All. Debbie

[kath]

The card aisle...There was a time that we would always shop for cards together because it would only be a short while and we would be rolling in the aisles laughing our heads off. That card would stick with us for years and we'd laugh to tears again and again. I still see cards that he would enjoy and ache that I can't share them with him. Birthday cards for my kids are really tough because it seems all the really special ones are from "Both." I just experienced that an hour ago.

And I keep the last Valentine's day card I gave Bob on the headboard. It read, "If I tell you I love you can I keep you forever?" I guess I know the answer to that one.

[LindaKoz]

I agree that the greeting card aisle is very difficult. Two of Brian's daughters have December birthdays. I had to read a whole lot of cards until I found two which I thought would be appropriate. They should be gettng cards from their Dad, not just me. And then, as I was going through some stuff at home, I found two Christmas cards that Brian bought for me last year but forgot to give me. I saw the bag about a week after Christmas and reminded him about. We just laughed. I guess he was saving the cards for this year (but he probably would have forgotten and purchased new ones). I read the cards and tears came to my eyes. I know that he was very careful about wording and that he meant every word the cards said. December is just so hard. I'm praying that we are all able to find our way through this Christmas season with moments of hope, peace, love, and perhaps joy. Hugs and prayers to you all.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[jrm]

I had to take money out of our joint savings account. When the teller asked "Mario is deceased?" the tears just flowed. It wasn't her fault and I felt bad for her too cause it made her uncomfortable. Facing the reality of him never returning again just crushes my heart. I literally ran out of the bank to my car and sat there and sobbed uncontrollably. Next stop was to deposit at another bank...went thru the drive-thru. 5 months and sometimes I think it's getting harder instead of easier. I thank all my family and friends for their constant support. I hear a lot that the people disappear after the first month or so...they are hangin in there for me and my boys. As for the card aisles...jeez I cried in them even before I lost Duke. I've just kept an old card from each special occasion from the past year...I'll take each out appropriately the night before so it will greet me in the morning. Love and God Bless Jude

[JohnG]

Yes, that's exactly how I'm feeling. Nothing in the greeting card aisle seems to apply to me and when I do see something all of the memories and loss come flooding back. I wonder, "what happened?", "how and why did I end up here?", "how is this fair?" always ending in the same response. Nothing. Just staring out in incomprehension. I have spent more time wandering down aisles in stores looking at items I have no interest in just so people don't see that I'm using every ounce of energy I have to hold back the tears.

[laurieb]

I was just in the store yesterday and the same thing happened. I was looking at wife cards and actually read one as Scott spent so much time buying me cards that meant so much and he use to write the nicest things. I guess I am grateful for that as I have all those memories. I want to buy cards for my family and special people but I just can't seem to do it. My heart is there but I seem to be paralyzed. I hope to get them out after the holidays.

laurie