Not Wanting To Let Go Of "2009"

[Kat2005]

I don't know if anyone else is feeling this way but I am having a really hard time saying goodbye to "2009". I just feel this emptiness. Although it is six months, I still want to hold on to 2009 for some reason. I guess it is just starting a new year alone that has me. We at least shared 6 months of 2009 together. At 53 I would have never dreamed I would be facing everything by myself. I guess having to deal with 4 "firsts" in a week has taken its toll on my emotions, New Year's, Birthday, Christmas and 6 month anniversary of lossing the love of my life.

I pray that everyone will find some peace and happiness in the New Year.

Kat

[jrm]

Kat, Don't be so hard on yourself. You DID get through those 4 "first" and I know how hard and painful that is. It has been 6 months since I lost Duke, my best friend of 41 years. As we continue this journey I hope we find the strength to continue, cause that's what our loved ones would most definitely want. I'm so sorry for your loss and at age 53. I'm 63 and have always felt young and tried my best to stay active. For the past 6 months I've been healing from our accident and just feeling up to par. Keep posting on this site for here we have friends who understand our pain. Jude

[Mrs. B]

Hi Kat,

I know how you feel.The firsts are hard but you will get though them. It is the same for me. All my family was home for Christmas and it was awesome.Even my son who moved back with me in March has moved into his own place a few hours away for school.He was here when i needed him most. But now I sit here with the tree and decorations put away and the house feels so empty. I sat up one night with my grandson who is not a year until Feb. The tree was lite and I had tears welling in my eyes. I was trying to take in the moment. He was so peaceful and pointing to the lights on the tree. That moment was so surreal I wished that Rick would have been here to enjoy the moment with me. He never got to meet or hold him. New years i spent with my best friend and we had a real nice time remenicing about the old times that we had before i met rick but coming to an empty home tore my heart out. I hope that 2010 will be more kind to me. I miss him so much. I hope for Peace and Happiness for you in the New Year. Mrs. B

[Babs11]

Kat,

Why would you ever want to let go of a year that you and your husband walked together? The is what my "Rewind" entry is about, I am consistently replaying everyday I spent with my husband for the last 28yrs (Good and Bad and miss both)...Dealing with the first 4 already is tiring and lonely...and we both know there is going to be so many other occasions that we will have to deal with without our best friends...This is a very hard Journey..Some of us will "MOVE FORWARD...BUT NEVER MOVE ON..we all in time will decide what is best for us for the rest of our lifetimes... You have been through so much....I am only 42 yrs old (which I thought was old) but now feels young thinking about how many years I will go before I see my husband again, and how many more days, years I will go through without him...seems like I am a kid again...

..By you acknowledging the truth on how you feel shows your strength...You don't have to feel complete and looking forward to the future without your husband right now and maybe never if that fits for you ...we just have to figure out how to "Deal" and somedays, weeks, and months we just won't...This site is the best for our good days and our bad...There is no right or wrong to our situations.

Hold your Husband close today...he is right there with you...

Love and Peace,

Babs

[Susie Q]

Dear Kat

New Year was harder than Christmas for me and I'm feeling pretty low at the moment too.

I'll never let go of one minute of the 40 years in total that I spent with my husband. He gave me a card some years back that said 'Love is when a lifetime isn't enough'. How true.

A recent reply by Marty on this issue, which included quotes from others, really helped me. The essence of what I took from these words was that 'letting go' refers not to losing any precious memories or feelings, but more about finding a way (and a time) to be free of the intense pain I feel and to be ready and able to choose to live in the world with him incorporated into who I have to become now - not by choice, but because that's just the way it has to be.

I'm not there yet and after only four months without him, I can't even imagine being there. I protest this situation with sadness every minute of every day, but I have a deep trust that it's possible to go forward and get some pleasure out of life again. I know it's what he would want for me and how he would tackle this situation if it was me who was gone.

I continue to draw strength from what I know of how he lived his life, and his thoughts and feelings about things. So he is still my guide, my strongest supporter and my anchor. It's only natural that none of us would want to let go of the precious gift of having shared time and love with a special person. I say cherish 2009!

I hope some parts of the days ahead are brighter for you soon...Susie Q

[Babs11]

Susie Q,

I guess the words "letting go" can mean many things to different people. I believe we don't let go of the pain, it lets go of us...We all know that we have to go forward now and that we still have many people that love us and who we love and cherish...We found pleasures before the ones we lost and we continue to find pleasures and the future will further "Bloom" new pleasures and love...I lived a life before my husband and will continue to do so until my time is called but that doesn't mean I don't feel the emptiness because I do and always will...I don't want to get rid of all the pain because of such great love I feel the pain...Without the love there would be no pain. God Bless.

Peace and Love,

Babs.

[mrspapajohn]

Kat = = These holidays have been the most horrnedous of my entire life and I can't wait to let them go. As for letting go of 2009, as well as all the other past years, I don't think that I will ever be able to quite do that. The walks, talks, loves and just being together that occurred in those years will be with me forever. Still, I am not past the begging stage. Today I begged God , promised him anything, if I could have Stephen back. The harsh raelity is it is not to be. We must forge a new life for ourselves whether we want to or not. Stephen will have died one year ago on Jan. 6, so I wanted to move before that ignominious date. The moving was hectic and I an still recovering, but at least I won't see an unhappy memory ecerywhere I look. I will of course, put up pictures of us as a family on the walls. but I plan to try to make this my home. My biggest wish for all of you is a sense of peace. - - That we can make it through this time and come out better on the other end. My love to all of you and thank you so much for helping me through so many dark days.

Kathy

[JamesI]

Hi Kat,

I am sorry about the loss of your husband.

I think I understand what you mean about not wanting to say goodbye to "2009". It seems that as time goes by, we start to feel better or we think we are feeling better and then we get that feeling that we may forget our loved one or we feel some guilt about feeling better and then our emotions take over. Just remember that you will always have your wonderful memories of your loved one even though the year is over.

I lost my mother 9 months ago on March 20th. I was her caregiver and was close to her. I loved her very much and I miss her very much. I feel better,but,I still have my good days and bad days. I think about her every day,but,I keep busy and distract myself. I am not working at present because of the economy,but,I do alot of reading, work out, visit a few friends when I can. Distractions help,but,there are days when I need to grieve and mourn and if I feel the urge to cry, well, I cry. It all helps. It does.

I attend a weekly bereavement group and I attended an 8 week group at my local church. I have also been seeing a one on one grief counselor.

This website has helped me also. The people on this website can be very helpful and comforting. Keep reading and posting. It will help you.

Take it one day at a time and remember that it takes time to heal. There is no set time schedule. Be good to yourself.

Be well.

take care,

James

[Kat2005]

James,

You understand exactly what I am feeling. Maybe I should have used the words "Saying Goodbye" instead "Letting Go". I know I will always have my memories. God knows I am constantly thinking of all the good times (and bad). I guess I am afraid of forgetting although I know deep down I never will.

Thanks again and take care,

Kat

[Korina]

I see what you mean about 2009. I still cannot believe Scott is gone, even though it has been 6.5 months. Inconceivable.

On the other hand, in a way, I have looked at getting past 2009 as a goal, as the year has been so awful for so many people, not only many here, but for many of my friends and family. In fact, Scott's aunt passed away on Dec. 30... So aside from the birth of our daughter (the biggest bonus and miracle ever), the rest of the year has totally sucked. At the end of the day, though, I don't feel any different than I did 4 days ago. Still just working one day at a time to move along this unfortunate journey.

My best wishes to everyone that some happiness and peace will find us, and that we draw strength from the love we still share with those that had to leave us.

Korina

[Sharon3]

For me the new year meant I would have to say "my husband died last year" and already people seem to think I should be further along in my journey. I think that is why I didn't want to let go of 2009....but now that it has passed I really don't care and I am learning to have lower expectations of the majority of people around me and be more grateful for the ones I can count on regardless of what year or month or moment it is.

[furkid]

Oh I am so glad you started this post. I thought I was being weird about having difficulty leaving 2009. It was the worst possible year ever. I should be celebrating that it's over. I thought Christmas would be the worst, but no. At Christmas I had low expectations, so I think that helped. I barely decorated. I got together with only my family, and have slowly stopped at his Mother's and now his sister's to deliver gifts and visit. I think Sharon3 summed it up as to why we feel so bad. For me too, New Years day of 2009 was when Randy went into the hospital, and he was never able to come home after that. He passed away the beginning of May.

By the way, what are the 4 firsts some of you were talking about?

I'm glad some of you are finding ways to move on. I wasn't in good shape before I met my husband. In fact I was ready to give up on life a few months before. So I keep hoping I don't end up going back there a year or two from now. Thinking about things that did work for me back then is helping me to move on. In fact until this week, I thought I was doing too good. Then reality check came around. It's just not fare. There are several weddings happening this year, not my favorite thing to deal with (as I said, I'm a little weird for a girl), but at least it's a positive thing. I have 2 nephews getting married, that are local. So while last year was a year of death, maybe this year will be the year of new beginnings.

PK