Moving On In My Life?

[vicki9]

I am new to this so here it goes- My son in law was killed instantly in a motorcycle accident on September 9-08 . My daughter was pregnant with her 5th child. He was the man of her dreams. Educated,smart,a joy as a son in law! Great Dad and husband. They were living in Morrisville,Mo. We were living in Lone Jack,Mo. I had been a hairdresser at the same salon for 30 years-loved it! My husband and I decided we should move down to help her and the kids. Mean while my son-28 moved down to help her out too. He was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma in December 08'. Two surgeries later-10 chemos and 14 radiations. We sold our home and bought one here in Morrisville in May of 09'. We all eat togrther and help with the kids ages 11-9-5-3 and now 11 months.

How do I move on and have a life when both of my kids are still hurting. I am a babysitter/nanny/cook. I do love my grandkids and don't want a pity party- just want to be happy again.

I am willing to hear any advice.

Vicki

[kayc]

Vicki,

This is a really hard one to try and answer...no one would want to make light of your situation, this is really tough. We all love our kids and when they hurt, we hurt. I'd rather die a thousand deaths than watch one of my kids hurting like this.

I guess all that you can do is try to be there for them and to stay in the here and now as much as possible. Someone once told me (when I was going through a particularly stressful dark time) to live in the past is to invite guilt and to live in the future is to invite anxiety...point being, our only real living is in the present. When my husband passed away, it was a shock that knocked me to the core of my being. One of the very real things I've learned through it was about a month or two later when I ran across a refrigerator magnet...I believe it was God's message to me, it said: "Find Joy in each new day". It became my creed. Sometimes at the end of the day I would grapple to find joy in anything as I thought over the day but I hunted for joy, no matter how small...a puppy's kiss, a kitten's playfulness, a driver that let me merge, someone who held a door open, a rainbow, a sunset, getting to spot an elk, anything became fodder for my newfound joy. This helped me stay in the present and to develop an appreciative spirit. Yes I could focus on my loss and I could wallow in pity, no one could argue it, but in the end, it did nothing for me...I was still alone, still had my problems, still missed my husband. But there is something about continuing to smile in the face of adversity...it holds such spellbound power for us! It is contagious.

You will always miss your son in law...I hope I never have to face losing mine, but my advice to myself would have to be the same (eventually)...Find joy in each new day. I realize that sounds trite, and I know it takes more concerted effort than it would to wallow in the dark throes of grief...believe me I know. I also know in the early days it's impossible. It takes time to go through the stages of grief and none of those stages can be minimized. We must experience them and go through them, we cannot circumvent them. But there does come a point where we have choices to make, and it is precisely how those choices are made that determine how well we'll cope with what life has flung our way.

We don't get to determine the hand we get in life...only how we play it.

I wish you well...please feel free to come on this site whenever you want...it has been here for me for the last nearly five years...it is here I have vented, cried, made friends, encouraged and been encouraged, rejoiced with triumphs, and experienced more than I could ever pen.

[vicki9]

Thank you for replying. It helps! The sweet spot is the grandkids. They are thriving. But my son is in a dark depression and doesn't want any help. My daughter is ready to move on but we are in a small community and finding someone to top Scott is an impossibilty. I realize this too shall pass but sometimes I wish it was faster.

The doctor told John he needs to see a couselor but he won't do it. I told him about the cancer survivors group but he won't do anything. He is in the"poor me" stage and living with Cori and her 5 kids doesn't help.

One day at a time I guess.

Anyway thanks again for your kind words.

Vicki

P.S My family does have good faith!!

[kayc]

Vicki,

You may not be able to change anything for John, he has to find his own way, but you can continue to be there for him, love him, and pray for him, maybe one day he'll heed your good advice. Faith is worth it's weight in gold, so it's good thing you have that! You know, when my George died, I found it hard to pray, and I have always been an avid pray-er! No matter, our faith carries us and God was there all the time, whether I could reach him or not, whether I knew what to say or not, that's just kinda how He is! We do get through these hard places...and thank God for your little "bright spots"!

Kay

[vicki9]

Thanks! You are a DOLL! Will keep you posted

Vicki

[fred]

Happiness? Good question. Perhaps it is too soon, perhaps you are too busy with day to day tasks and responsibilities. I am just past three years and have only myself to look after, but even so glimpses of happiness are spaced too far apart. You are busy and have the joy of being able to see your grandchildren daily, could it be that your son`s situation is the source of much of your unhappiness?

The situation sounds like it may be too much for him to deal with constantly. Is it possible for him to change his residence for a period of time? Maybe a trip or vacation away?

Good luck with everything. Sorry for your loss.

[vicki9]

WOW if only that was possible. No money coming in because of the cancer, no possibilities of somewhere to go.

We have gone through a lot of money this year because of the cancer. I wish I could ship him to an island just to let him know he is lucky to be alive!

Thanks Fred- he is most of the problem.

Vicki

[kath]

Dear Vicki,

What an angel you are for your children and grandchildren. I didn't have the luxury of any full-time help so my children (aged 9 and 10 when their dad died) just floated along with me. That's when they both learned to cook some things on their own and they are really good about pitching in even now.

Your daughter is going to be in a difficult place for a long time. There really is no way around it. As a mom, I can totally understand how you can pick up on her sadness. Young kids don't really let us dive too deep. They need constant and consistent care. Did they have any counseling or camp to go to after their dad died? That made a huge difference for mine, just knowing they aren't the only ones who lost a parent. What if you pulled back a little and helped out just a few days a week. While I'm sure they appreciate all you and your husband do for them, it may be good for them to have some time to connect with just each other, in their new roles. It sounds like you could use some time doing things you enjoy, too.

Does your son live with you or his sister? Are there any support groups available through the hospital that can help him cope? I can see where your children look to you for strength and support. That can be exhausting for all you have been through. You really need to take care of yourself, too. I pray you can find that balance...without guilt. You deserve it.

Kath

[vicki9]

Thank you! Actually my husband and I are leaving for Mexico next week for 7 days. We are hoping both of our kids will start to step up and grow . My son lives with Cori. He really needs to find a place of his own, but he wasn't working all of last year. He is in construction{need I say more) any way he has a few jobs coming in the next couple of weeks.

It is hard to say anything to him as he doesn't want any advice.

The community and church have stepped up to help the kids. They have their moments but all in all seem to be doing great.

Once again thank you Kath!

Vicki

[vicki9]

OK just got back from ou trip and miracously my daughter doesn't need us as much. OK now what? Now I wish I would have not moved down here nd had my old job back. This is what I have wanted for 1 1/2 years and now I am longing for my old life. Do I just sit around all day? I am trying to fit in this small town and am going to try and go find a stylist job down here. But I am afraid I am too old. My husband says I am making excuses/am I? Sorry I just had to vent as I am so FRUSTRATED! I have gone from 3 times a day seeing my grandkids to 2 times a week- isn't there suppose to be a balance?

[kath]

Vickie,

There's that old saying, "Be careful what you wish for!" Time is a funny thing to me, when I don't have it I wish for more and when I do have time on my hands, I can't wait for it to be filled with activity. I'm happy your dauhgter and your grandkids are starting to find their new normal. It really is good for them to work this out together. A good visual for me was when someone said a family is like a mobile. We are spinning and moving in sync with one another and then suddenly, your spouse dies and is plucked away from the mobile. You bounce around reckless and erratic and it takes a long time to regain that balance.

It sounds like your life as you've come to know it is being plucked away, too. Be patient with yourself. It won't always feel like it has to be all or nothing. You will come to find your own balance again.

Enjoy time with your hubby. It is one thing many of us here wish we had.

Kath

[annette85035]

It is very thoughtful of you and your husband moving to help your daughter and your grandkids!

[vicki9]

I know "this too shall pass" and I'm taking it one day at a time. Sounds so cliche but that is the way it is. Kath-yes it was what we hoping for and it is a good thing for Cori. I am trying to get a positive outlook on life. It is better than last year so I guess time does change everything. Maybe if the sun would shine it would help. Thanks for replying. This forum does help! Especially when you don't have someone to vent to. I do have my hubby but he and I are both trying to adjust to our new :normal.

Anyway I have applied for a couple of jobs to no avail but I will keep trying. I just need to be around people of all ages. That is what I miss the most about home was my clients(friends).

Thanks again-will keep posted!

[vicki9]

Hi everyone! I got a job! Part time at Lowes in lawn and garden. Maybe after 18 months something is about to change.My kids are doing OK which is better thsn before. The baby turned 1 last week and now Coltin is 3. Soccer has started and spring is in the air.

This forum has really helped me out through this whole traumatic time. I am so grateful for the advice and genuine caring people on this site. The cliche of "this too shall pass" used to piss me off but my oh my how true it is.

Anyway I start Monday on my new CAREER! HAHA! I will continue to update and try to help the newbies as you all have with me.

Love you all,

Vicki

[MartyT]

Good for you, Vicki! Have a wonderful weekend, and we wish you the very best on Monday as you begin that new career! We're all pulling for you!

[kayc]

Congratulations, Vicki! You may feel your daughter doesn't need you, but maybe she does more than you think. I'm sure you are an inspiration to her and just having you around will be of immense help to her. Good luck on your new job!

[vicki9]

Thank you soo much! Today was my second day and oh my do I feel OLD! But the people were great to me. I am going to do this!!! I am a FIGHTER!!!! I will keep everyone posted. I love this forum!