Will There Ever Be A Normal Again?

[Kim1970]

It's only been 45 days now and I can't help but wonder if anything will ever feel normal again. Everything in the house and all the good memories everyone tells me to hold on to only bring me pain right now. I don't think I can handle hearing "life goes on" one more time form anyone. I don't feel like life is going on for me. This seems like such a cold hearted phase to me. My friends try to encourage me to go out and have lunch with them but I am afraid I will have a "break down". These are things I use to love to do. I am hoping there is someone that is maybe one or two years into this terrible journey that could tell me if or when I will ever be able to enjoy life again...even if it's in a different way. Thanks for listening.

Kim

[Dusky]

Kim,

I have been at the process of grieving the loss of my mate for four and a half yeas. I began to notice positive changes in how I viewed this "new world" after three years and most notably after four years had passed. Quite honestly I cried every day for each of the first four years. This is an incredibly slow journey. In many ways it is a life long journey. You eventually learn to live with the pain and you will eventually smile when remembering your mate rather than crying. It does take and incredible long time to begin to see the signs of healing.

I would encourage you to visit my web site - (listed below). I hope it gives you some peace and encouragement. I set up this web site to help people like myself who had lost their mate. I also wrote a book for to help me heal and to be a lasting memory of my partner. The book is mentioned on my web site.

I wish you the best on this difficult journey and want you to remember that you will recover - you will go one - it just takes time - and everyone's timeline is different. Be patient with your self. This site is one of the best places to help you in this long and difficult struggle.

[mrspapajohn]

Kim - - I can only echo what Dusky has said. It was one year ago yesterday that I lost Stephen. He died at home, in his own bed and in my arms. That moment is like a dvd recordimg in my brain that just won't turn off. This last year has been like a roller coaster. Like you, my friends kept asking me to lunch, but I could not go. I was not only afraid that I would break down, it was also that I did not want any enjoyment that Stephen could not share. I am still not able to eat foods that he loved.

But I am better. The feeling of having your skin peeled off is gone. The raw edge of near-hysteria is gone. Still, the sadness remains. I often cry and still any memories of Stephen bring me sadness, not joy. Some days I don't want to wake up and face another day without him, but there are days when it's o.k. Days when I can talk with my friends and even laugh. I don't think that we will ever get over missing our loves, but we do find the strength to go on. Life was precious to them, and, much to my surprise, I find that it is precious to me also.

I am so sorry that you have had to find us and to join our sad, but very loving little club. You asked if it will get better and my answer is yes. We each have to find our way in life without the partner we expected to be with us every step. It is a difficult journey. Finding this site and this family has made it easier for me and I hope it will in some way ease your terrible pain. I wish you love and I wish you peace. I will be thinking of you.

Kathy

[JohnG]

Dear Kim,

I know how you feel.Everything in my house, every photo of Krystal, every place I remember seeing her standing or sitting, every aspect of the house that she designed, the exact spot where she took her own life, everything about this place brings me pain. Seven months later I have very few good memories and what I do have turns sad very quickly. I feel stuck in this grief. My therapist is encouraging in that she does see progress, but to me it feels like I'm chipping away microscopic pieces of Everest. I weep continuously, everywhere.

I am sure that some day I will find peace and I'm sure you will too, how or when I don't know. We are all on a very long, terrible journey that we can get through with each others support. Please keep talking to us, let us know everything you feel and we will do everything we can to help you.

Peace and love.

John

[kayc]

Kim,

Your old "normal" is gone, and won't be back, but in time, you will develop a new "normal", if you can call it that, that is your new life as you know it. You do eventually get used to your life as it is, but as for liking and preferring it...there probably isn't any of us that wouldn't choose to go back to our old one if we could...but we can't, so we try to look for what good there is still left and make the best of what is left of the shambles of our lives. It won't always be so raw, as Kathy described, it will settle down into something you're more able to handle, but it does take time to get there...for now, it's one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. It won't always catch your breath away, but it'll always be there, does that make any sense?

I know it's hard to handle, it will get better with time.

Kay

[Maryo]

Hi Kim,

The early stages of grieving are the hardest times I ever had to go through. It has been 18 month since my husband died.

Kay's words are so helpful to me and I am sure to everyone else.Sometimes we forget to pat ourselves on the back because we have come so very far in this grief journey.I still cry but I am so thankful when I have a peaceful day and the tears do not flow.

What helps me is when I have a bad day to pray to God to get me through this day and make me stronger tomorrow.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[Korina]

I hope you find the encouragement from these replies that I do, and have from similar words and experiences I have found here in the past. I have found that the pain has morphed over these 7.5 months, and while it hasn't gone away, it has become more bearable.

Take care,

Korina

[JeanneC]

Kim:

I am sorry for your loss. I agree with everybody that posted. It will be 2 years in June for me and even though I miss my Alex terribly and think of him often and smile alot, there still is the pain of his loss and I think that will always be. You will move on and there will be times when you laugh and there will be times when you cry. Just remember that everyone here has helped me and I have found some great friends to confide in

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[Sharon3]

I too am so very sorry for your loss. February is a very difficult month for me.....First valentimes day, then my birthday, then the one year anniversary of my husband's passing. I was just telling a friend my memories do not bring me joy or peace..in fact i try not to go there it is still too painful. There are moments every day where I think of the horror of my life without my husband. I just returned from a trip, visiting a friend and travelled alone, had to take a 3 hour car ride to the airport then a 3 hour plane ride, handling all the luggage, hoping my car would start after sitting at the airport for 10 days, driving home on icy roads.................but I push myself to go on.....and I would suggest the same for you....if these friends are truly good friends you will enjoy their company and you will cry over your lunch but that is okay...the worst thing you can do is quit living. As difficult as it is, it is what you need to do....because it allows your friends to participate in your grief and try to support you and also gives you moments of enjoyment. That's all I can offer..there is no shortcut but there are things we can choose to do to preserve ourself.

[jrm]

When I lost Duke in July my world was in such a turmoil. I had to heal from my injuries in the motorcycle accident. Though the Doctors kept telling me we would both be fine, Duke died 2 days later. I know I can't go back, but I can't settle down until I see the autopsy report. I used to say the "best part of the day is waking up beside you!!" Now my only comfort is his T-shirt and pillow, 2 pills and sleep. I stay active, social and participate but I have a hard time thinking of the future without him. My best friend for 43 years. It truly is one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

[kath]

Dear Kim,

I'm glad you found us, but also am very sorry for your loss. Time and love does change us, it just takes a long time. There is no grief calendar that says you will feel better on the 15th of whatever month. It is all about you right now. Will you ever smile again, without pain? Yes. Will you laugh, without the guilt? Yes. Will you find pleasure in the little things? Yes. Will you remember your love without tears? Yes. But maybe not every time and every second or even every day. So we learn to accept the sadness as part of who we are and we cherish the momentoes and memories, because it keeps them part of our heart. I can't speak for a future past 2 years 8 months, but I do know the incredible, exhausting, heart wrenching pain that engulfs us in the beginning does not last forever. Grief is a labor of love. We're here to help you hold on.

Kath

[Kim1970]

Thank you all so much, I am so glad I found this site. Kim