Loss Of Spouse

[Lainey]

It will be four months soon since I lost my husband. There are times like it feels like forever that he has been gone and then it is like it just happened yesterday. He had been sick since March,2009 and in and out of the hospital for two major surgeries, trying to control pain, which was horrendous and other complications. I knew that the inevitable was going to happen and prepared for it. Most of the service and obituary was ready days before he passed away. Even though it felt morbid doing it then, it was a lot easier for myself and our three children when the time came and we needed it. After everything was over and family had all left,I became busy cleaning everything in sight, packing most of my husband's belongings, and on and on. Soon I ran out of steam as well as the work came to an end. I found out that one person in a house doesn't make a big mess.

I have also come to the conclusion that "our" friends seem to not be "my" friends and that does not help with being lonely. My kids are wonderful, but they have their own lives and can't be with me all the time. Weekends are the hardest, we used to spend all of our time together,,shopping when he was still able to, going out for a meal, movies and visiting with friends. Now that is all gone and the two days just loom in front of me. I spend alot of my time checking out this site to find out how others are coping, watching T.V. and trying to concentrate on crocheting. My interest in scrapbooking is very low because most of the pictures/subjects I work on will have him in them and I think that may be too hard to handle right now.

[TerryY]

Lainey,

I am only a six week member of this club, called life after our husbands. Today I received abook in the mail,sentby our community, called Come unto Me. It is engraved with his name on front. It's a beautiful book, it tells you the different stages of grief, and grieving in faith. It is a wonderful collection of faith and love.

As of yet I have not done anything to Wayne's things. His magnifing glass is where he left it, well everything is still where he had put it before going to the ER that morning.

Do you work? If not maybe volunteer at a nearby hospital or nursing home. My mom has been in a nursing home for nearly three years, they love for someone to come by and say hi. I missed so many of days while he was in the hospital that I only have a few left. My daughter comesover a lot. My vehicle broke down when he was in the hospital, and I haven't been able to get it fixed yet.

On Tuesday we had a explosion a block away, everyone had to evacuate, last night was my first night back. It seems like there is one thing after another.

How is your memory? Mine is gone, don't remember things people tell me, and I don't remember most people's name.

My mind jumps from one thing to another, I cannot concentrate. You probably can tell from this note.

Terry

[JamesI]

Dear Lainey:

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I don't think there is anything more devastating than the loss of a loved one. I lost my mother on March 20, 2009. It has been a rough year, but, I got through it. Grieving is a rough journey to travel, but, we need to get through it in order to heal from the pain and sorrow we feel. There are no short cuts or quick fixes. Take it one day at a time.

You need time to get through this journey. Take all the time you need. I learned along the way that it could take 2 to 3 years, but, don't be discouraged because it does get better and less intense before that. Its fresh for you being only 4 months. Be good to yourself.

I know what you mean about friends being there when you really need them. Everyone tells you to call if you need anything, but, where are they when you need them? I suppose we cant' really blame them and they do have their lives to live. I was fortunate to find a few old friends that have been through losses and understand and sometimes I am able to talk with them and get some comfort, but, they are not always available.

I am glad that I found this website because I have been coming to it from the very beginning and it has helped me. I also found a grief counselor who I have been seeing for about 9 months and she has helped me in many ways. I also attended an 8 week bereavement group after about 3 months and that helped too. I still attend a weekly bereavement group and some of us meet afterwards at a restaurant for a snack and we talk and see how each of us are coping. It all helps.

You may consider finding a grief counselor. You can select a male or female. Whoever you feel comfortable with. They will help you.

We need to get help and support from as many sources as possible, especially if we cannot get the support from family or friends.

It seems that family and friends are not always the ones to support us and just know that you are not alone.

Like Terry suggested, try getting the book she mentioned and I also recommend a book I read which really brought me comfort, its called,

Life after Loss by Bob Deits. You can find it at the library or bookstore.

When you are up to it later on, consider also attending a bereavement group.

Be well,

take care,

James

[nats]

Hello Lainey,

My prayers are with you....my wife joined the Lord 2/14/10, and I have much of the same

greiving you are having...I have found it best for me to take the harder things head on, my Ruth

loved her flower beds and I thought I'd never be able to plant them because it was to "hard", well I

took the steps and did it, I cried my eyes out planting those flowers but you know what I feel so much

comfort looking at them now knowing that's what she liked and we liked to do that together and it keeps me close to her...

maybe taking some small steps in doing what you enjoy might help...the way I look at things I try, is it can't hurt anymore

it already hurts so bad with them being gone it might just help even a little....

my prayers are with you and everyone here and everywhere going thru this new life adjustment of life without our best friends and loves of

our lives....

NATS

[Sharon3]

Lainey I am so sorry for your loss and know what you are going through. It will be a fog for some time and difficult to focus on one task because we are in such pain. I too did all the busy work. I dealt with things , packed my house up, sold my house, moved in with my son, them moved again into my condo and now the busyh work is done and I am still left with my thoughts, they travel with you. And yes, like someone said, you have to rewrite your address book because people fall off or you find out who you need to spend your time with but I know it is disappointing and emotional that some people have not met any expectation you might have had from them, yet there are others who have exceeded your expectations....concentrate on them. There is no great advice or I would have taken It. I do have a Grief Counsellor and I do come to this site to find that others are experiencing what I am. I too scrapbooked but have not done it since my Husband passed away. I used to go to the gym everyday and stopped for a long time but am just now trying to go back because I know I have to try to get my life back. It will be a different life and yes lonely but I am going to try to make the best of it even with the pain. It has been 13 months for me and somedays it still seems like yesterday and I cry for him and feel physical anxiety at the prospect of life without him....but I take it day by day. I hope for you that you can learn to live with your loss in a way that is right for you but it is early for you and you need to release the pain ....don't mask it because it helps to feel it.

[Korina]

Lainey:

This site helped me so much during the early months, and now, at 9.5 months, still does. Unlike you, aside from Scott's funeral and subsequent memorial service, I did not get all the busy work done (an still haven't). Today, I have made a step, though it is really only through necessity. I will have to get a roomate to help with the rent, and I have begun to pack away his office (it will become our daughter's room). Wow, it was tough. In a way, it almost feels unfaithful to him to do it, though intellectually I know this is not the case. It is just so hard. It helps to think of ways to preserve/memorialize our life together.

All through these days, I have just taken it one day at a time, and still do. It has helped me survive and adapt.

Take care,

Korina

[kayc]

Lainey,

I'm sorry for your loss...this is a good place to find others what understand what you're going through for we've been there. Just getting through your day, in the beginning, is a feat. Welcome to this site, please keep coming back.

[Dale&Sue]

Hi Lainey: I'm so sorry that you had to come to this site, because we all know it means that you're in so much pain and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I'm truly sorry for your loss. I hope that you can find love and solace and help on this site.

I hear you loud and clear when you write about loneliness. I have still retained lots of close friends and am close to my siblings, but the loneliness is always there. I was thinking the other day that losing someone so close, so beloved, is like being sentenced to solitary confinement. I find that it helps "somewhat" for me to have some structure on some of my weekends; to make plans with people even if I don't feel like it. There have been a few times when I did cancel out...I try to make plans only with people who have some sense of what I'm going through. My energy is very low and sometimes I can't do everything I'd like to; at other times I simply have to be alone.

I don't know if making plans for your weekends is possible for you as it sounds like many of your friends have vanished. For that, I'm truly, truly sorry. You need support. Perhaps joining a bereavement group would help somewhat, in addition to our online community here. Keep posting, visit often, read, tell us how you are doing. We've all been there or are there, so at least we can listen and tell you what works for us. Each of us has our own way through this though, so you will find that people here will respect your process and will encourage you to do what's best for you. Susan

[Queeniemary]

Lainey, I am so sorry for your loss, and I know the pain you are experiencing. I lost my husband on January 13, 2010. I am so sorry that your friends seem not to be there for you. It is also possible that people just don't know what to do or say, I get that a lot. I have been very lucky in that we were part of a very diverse group of people in our theatre community here, and some are single, some are married, but we did not have just "couple" friends, so my support has been awesome from these people. My family has been good, but they also have their lives. My boys live away from here, so most of my "care" has fallen on my daughter, who has been wonderful. Because I was recovering from major surgery when my husband died from massive coronary, my daughter took three weeks off work to stay with me. Her employers were so understanding, and I am very grateful. We live in a small community, so everyone knew Michael, and me.

I still do understand about the weekends, however. Family and friends cannot always be there. You might think about volunteering somewhere, just to get out of the house, and see other people. Someone mentioned a grief support group, and I think that would be a very good thing. I am thinking about that also. Even with all the support I am getting from friends, it helps to have people who know exactly how you feel to talk to. That is why I am so thankful I found this forum...people here understand. Bless you, I will be thinking of you and praying for you.

Mary