My Birthday

[furkid]

Who would have thought that MY birthday would have been hard. I've moved into the total acceptance of the situation stage. I don't cry much about him anymore, but yesterday was my birthday and I couldn't stop thinking about how much I miss him. I miss his arms around me giving me a big hug. He always took me out to dinner too around my birthday.

My family celebrated it at Easter, along with several other birthdays, so not much special yesterday. My Mom sent me flowers. My brother-in-law called me from California. At work there was cake. I did get alot of good wishes on facebook.

It's definately good for that.

But I'm still feeling down, even today. So what's up with that. It's been almost a year now.

[DeeGee]

So sorry for your loss. And no matter how well we seem to be doing, it does come back to "whack" us, doesn't it?

I am going on eight months here. And I am now at the point of "expecting the unexpected". At first, when I would have a good day or even two, I thought "maybe it is finally over". Not that I wanted to forget about John, just that I wanted that terrible, terrible feeling of loss to pass.

But I have now seen that sometimes the seemingly most bizarre thing will trigger a bout. The good thing, I guess, is that the tears do not last as long as they once did. So I am presuming that some type of internal healing is taking place.

Your birthday? A milestone in life, right? Another milestone in which you are by yourself, without your loved one. You know, first it is the holidays, then his birthday, then an anniversary, etc. Life keeps going on and milestones keep happening.

I have taken to comforting myself on my really, really bad days by lighting a memorial candle and burning it all day long.

When I blow it out at bedtime I say to myself "Goodnight, sweetie. I've gotten through the day."

Don't know why, but that comforts me.

DeeGee

[furkid]

Glad you found something that has helped you. My kitties have help with alot of it, time has helped with the rest.

Also I keep thinking about what I was doing a year ago. We had thought that he was getting better and might have a chance of beating it.

[kayc]

I think it's that they always treated us special on our birthdays so now that they're gone, we notice their absence all the more on our birthday. My first birthday after George died, none of my family or friends remembered, and I cried myself to sleep, it really hurt. I knew if he was alive it wouldn't have gone like that.

Happy Belated Birthday! I hope it gets easier on you.

[MartyT]

Furkid, I too want to wish you a happy belated birthday ~ and DeeGee, I really don't think the terrible feeling of loss is ever "finally over," any more than a person who's lost a limb will ever get to the point of not missing that amputated arm or leg. A very significant part of you is gone forever (at least in a physical sense) and you'll never be "whole" in the same way as you were before. As time goes on, most of us "amputees" are resilient enough and determined enough to learn how to get where we're going without that essential part of us, but I don't think we'll ever stop missing it or feeling the terrible loss of it . . .

[furkid]

Thanks for the input.

[Korina]

I used to love birthdays - I just didn't care this year, and felt empty. However, it did help when I received all sorts of birthday wishes on Facebook. Even though they all were not close acquaintances, it was nice, and kept me busy answering the emails.

Marty, your amputee analogy is very good - a perfect way to describe all of this.

Korina

[Susie Q]

Eight months for me and starting to have some reasonable hours/days but this week was the worst it has been for many months. I took one week's leave - still incredibly tired so I thought a 'break' during our downtime would help.

I turned out to be very wrong - waking up at home 'on holidays' in an empty bed and an emptier house set the scene for two days of crying and desolation. Had things planned with friends and managed to get through them but as soon as I returned home it was on again. Thought I was going back to how I was after I lost him last year. Then on the third morning I woke up still really sad but OK and the week improved from there.

I try to learn something from these trials - not sure what this lesson was. Maybe just to expect setbacks knowing I'll get through it.

I've yet to do birthdays and anniversaries but they are looming too so maybe this was a rehearsal. Don't think I'll ever get over it - one year Furkid isn't long, even though we all know each day seems like an eternity without them.

A little late but Happy Birthday from me too...Susie Q

[furkid]

Again, thanks for the replies. Randy's birthday was about 3 1/2 weeks after he died, so it was just another horrible day in a string of them. I didn't even realize what day it was, except I kept getting a whole bunch of phone calls from people checking up on me and later realized why. Same thing happened when our anniversary came around 2 months later. That's why the birthday was so weird. I thought I would take myself out over the weekend, but I slept and watched TV instead.

I think the comment about our significant other making a little bit of a fuss for us is the reason. It was just another day and another weekend. Friends wished me well on facebook, especially after I posted thank yous for some birthday wishes and mentioned how I was missing someone special. But other than that, no one made a special effort to get me out of the house on the weekend, not that it would have helped, but maybe it would have. My husband would have made sure I got up and went out. Going out by yourself is not too much fun, unless your meeting friends. Sleep is good too.

I was single for a long time before I finally met Randy, I had turned 30. So I remember the discomfort in going out by myself.

[nats]

Furkid,

My wife Ruth left us on Valentines day this year so I had the holiday blow the very day she

joined the Lord and it was on Sunday also....my birthday was just the week before and I read the card

she gave me and just think that's the last one from her and just cry....I made it thru Easter with a lot of up's and downs's

and now we have Mothers Day comming up so here we go again...I don't know about the rest of you but I don't

like this "roller coaster" I ride everyday and I do all I can to keep it smooth...I also am having the friend phobia don't get many calls and no one visits we didn't have many but I thought they would be here for me, not sure what's up with that....

I pray your journey will continue on a positive path....

Praying for all the greiving spouses everywhere....

NATS

[kath]

Dea rFurkid,

This is a really late belated birthday. I don't get here as much as I used to and if I do, it is just to check on the "new kids" like yourself. It makes total sense to me to miss your husband on your birthday. He was important to you and made your day important to him. I also understand the not wanting to go out alone. Here you are not alone, and I just wanted you to know that I will think of you today and wish you a year full of happier tears and better tomorrows.

Kath