sunstreet Posted June 30, 2010 Report Share Posted June 30, 2010 My heart is breaking. My partner died not a little while ago, she died on December 25, 2003 and it feels like it was yesterday. I don't believe I let myself feel anything at the time as it wasn't safe to feel then. I buried it, I had to then or I would not have survived for sure. So many losses, so close together. I have had some very bad news about my health and I think I have been needing my partner to be here now. I just feel my heart can bare no more. My soul feels empty without her. People I tell that I am missing her, that I am hurting, all say that was so long ago now, it shouldn't hurt that much any more. I want to scream at them when they say that. I can't help how I feel can I? I am empty. I am despairing....thanks for listening. Sunstreet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted June 30, 2010 Report Share Posted June 30, 2010 I am so sorry for your loss sunstreet. I'm only 6 months into loss of my dearest Dad, my Mom is only 6 months into her grief, the loss of her soul mate after over 40 yrs together. She already feels like she has to put on the face because people start saying to her "life goes on, you have to get on with it" but time does not matter, 6 months, 6 years....it's not like they are coming home. I'm so sorry people say that to you about it being "so long ago", they obviously have not ever experienced grief like it. You have every right to be sad, feel empty and hurt. I don't think it ever goes away, we all have to live with this forever. Why would we not hurt from the loss of a loved one, why would we not feel empty and sad, nobody or nothing will ever replace our loved ones. I hope you will find some small comfort here sharing with others, hearing from others, knowing that it's ok to feel how you do, you are perfectly entitled to. hugs and comfort to you niamh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted June 30, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2010 Dear Niamh, Thank you for your reply to my post. I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain of loosing your Father too. My Father died 4 years ago after a lenghty battle with Alzheimer's. I know your pain and I am just so sorry that you have to weather this loss. I know how your Mom feels thinking she needs to put that face on. I saw my Mother go through that struggle. I myself still struggle with having to put that face on. In my family, my role is the strong one, the rock, the one that is there for everyone else and at times I just need someone to be there for me. My parents had a lenghty marriage as well, 51 years. I literally ache all over with my sorrow. My partner suicided, and I feel at some level I should have known she was in that much pain. My partner did not leave a suicide note which has left me to speculate why she chose suicide. What did I do? What didn't I do? What should I have known? I was so busy helping with my Father's care, I didn't notice that my patner was in that much despair. My partner was a therapist; it never occured to me that she was even having suicidal thoughts. Maybe I leaned on her to heavily and didn't see she needed to lean on me too. Bless you for your reply for it has helped more than you will ever know. Sunstreet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted June 30, 2010 Report Share Posted June 30, 2010 I'm so sorry for your loss, recent or not, it still hurts. I could relate to your post, as I was recently very very sick and the only person I longed for was Larry, who has been gone over four yrs. now. You just miss them. Don't be hard on yourself right now, take care of you and your health. I have no idea what it feels like to lose someone to suicide and I wish for you some peace and comfort. Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abby48 Posted June 30, 2010 Report Share Posted June 30, 2010 i can feel the pain you are feeling,why do people assume they know when to put away our grief ? it's only been 3 wks since my danny died (cancer )i can barely start another day. it must be so hard dealing with the what ifs,i hope you can get passed blaming yourself. we can never go back in time,if we could i would have made danny's last day in my arms. i'm sorry you are now dealing with your health,i know having your partner with you would give you strength that you need to get through. sending you hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted June 30, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2010 Deborah, thank you so much for your post. I am just so sorry for your loss too. This horrible turbulent sea that when the storms hit, it feels that you just can not hang on. I am sorry that you were very very sick and I know that you know the pain of just wanting Larry back, to hold you, tell you it is going to be ok. I hope your health is well now, so hard to ride it out at times. Something that does help me in any of my losses is that the love doesn't die, it is eternal and this comforts me. Courage to you. Sunstreet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted June 30, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2010 Angel hugs to you too. I am so sorry for your loss. I see your pain. I am plagued with the what if's; I too hope I can let go of feeling responsible. I believe in God and it was God's whisper that I responded to and decided to make my post here in this forum. Thank you God. I am so so sorry for your loss. I am facing endometrial cancer at present and am scheduled for surgery on July 8. I feel so so alone with it all. When my partner suicided, the two couples we did stuff with left too; weren't sure how to handle her suicide either I suppose, and did what they needed to do. I have a counselor but I need to work on letting people outside of therapy into my life again. Sending you hugs, hope and courage. Sunstreet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 30, 2010 Report Share Posted June 30, 2010 Sunstreet, dear, I'm so very sorry to learn this awful news. Please know that as far as we're concerned, you are NOT alone. We'll all be thinking of you and praying for you ~ now, on July 8 and thereafter. You are being held close in our collective hearts, and I hope you can feel our arms around you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted July 1, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 1, 2010 Thank you Marty, tears streaming down my face. I feel the collective connectedness and I feel less alone. Bless you and bless all of you. Just weeping so at present. Thank you all so much. Just need to weep now. Courage to us all. Sunstreet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 1, 2010 Report Share Posted July 1, 2010 She may have died "so long ago" but to you it is still fresh because you miss her and need her. I know, my husband died in June 2005 and at certain times, it feels unbearable...there are those special ways they were with us that no one else fills and when we especially need them and they aren't there, we miss them the most...those times like when we're having health problems or lose our job or have a family issue. People who haven't lost a spouse can't possibly know just how much it encompasses. You're in our thoughts and prayers... Kay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted July 1, 2010 Report Share Posted July 1, 2010 Sunstreet, I hope you will not feel so alone after joining this site. The people here, know your pain, and I've always found so much support. Marty is an angel and her kindness has gotten me thru many times when I did not feel I would survive. Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted July 1, 2010 Report Share Posted July 1, 2010 Sunstreet, We are all traveling this journey together, I have a little different outlook than most as I've decided that I will not let grief hold me hostage and using my loss to make me stronger....I miss my wife everyday since she joined God on 2/14/10 Valentines day of all days, and I cry almost everyday still but I am moving along at my own pace and with her blessing as she worried so much about what would happen to me after she was gone, we began our fight of Lung Cancer last June and had just 9 months afterwards to Love, Cherish and Complete our life as we both knew the eventual outcome, she had all the faith she would beat it and more than likely would have but her body could only take so much as it just kept spreading...we talked and shared all our thoughts and fears, but I promised her I would go on and I have never broken a promise to her and don't plan on starting, so maybe you can find some inspiration in my outlook as with God all things are possible, and with time, prayer and positive memories of our loved one we can move forward and continue the plan God has for us before we join them in heaven.... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted July 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2010 Kay, thank you for your post. I am sorry for your loss. I know what you speak of for sure. I miss my partner, I need her so much. I find myself feeling angry at her and then feel horrible for feeling that way. It is a comfort to know that you understand my pain, so I feel less alone, but I am just so so sorry that the reason you understand is that you have experienced it too. It is just so unfair. Blessings, Sunstreet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted July 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2010 Deborah, thank you, I do feel less alone. I agree Marty is an angel. I am grateful that you all still want to respond to me knowing my partner suicided. Sunstreet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted July 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2010 Oh dear Nats, thank you for your post. I am just so sorry for your loss. What a testament of you and your wife's love. It has inspired me to perhaps write about "our life and love" mine and my partner's. Reading your post, it suddenly occured to me that there is so much more than "the end" ( my partner choosing suicide) Perhaps it does not negate the life we shared, the love we shared. We were so good together, it was as if we were one. You have reminded me that God has never let me down and when I feel God is far way, it is not that He has left, it is I who has closed off my heart to God. Thank you for the inspiration. Blessings, Sunstreet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted July 2, 2010 Report Share Posted July 2, 2010 Sunstreet: To me is seems perfectly normal to feel the grief bearing down when you are particularly vulnerable, no matter how long it has been. One of the hardest things for me is not having anyone to talk to (though of course, I have friends and family, but it just isn't the same) when something significant, good or bad, happens. Truly, unless one has experienced the loss of their partner, it is impossible to understand our grief. They are the lucky ones... Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted July 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2010 Korina, I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for your post. I find that very difficult as well, not having anyone to talk to. My family is not very tolerant of the fact that I am gay. Some of my family members actually said that loosing my partner to suicide is because same sex relationships are sin. If the woundedness I feel to the core of my being is not enough; I also have to accept that my family is not there for me. I don't have friends, after my partner suicided the friends we had all went away unable to even look at me any longer. I have not let anyone into my life since. One of my family members actually believes that the reason I have endometrial cancer is because I am gay. Sunstreet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl Posted July 3, 2010 Report Share Posted July 3, 2010 HI Sunstreet, You are not alone, you are so wise to keep reaching out to others. Since you have been to this site before, you know this site will help you. But you might also think about attending a grief support group or even a cancer support group. I have found the most comfort with others who are like me. It was a huge step out of my comfort zone to go. But what relief it has brought to my heavy heart. My husband died suddenly in an accident and was young. Although I don't understand a loss of suicide I do understand sudden loss and it is complicated by being unprepared. There are support groups for those who have lost their loved one to suicide. Your grief is doubled by the type of death she suffered but also by the new challenge you face with your own mortality. You are on the right path. Feeling the pain of loss and fear for your own future is exactly how you should feel! Please don't let your families ignorance keep you from gathering strength. You can face this adversity like you have faced the horrible losses in your past. You are strong, look at all you have survived! We are all here for you and send our strength and support. Cheryl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 3, 2010 Report Share Posted July 3, 2010 You've made some excellent suggestions about support groups, Cheryl ~ and Sunstreet, you will find several cancer support groups listed on the Care Giving page of our Grief Healing Web site, and information for survivors of suicide on our Suicide Loss page . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susie Q Posted July 4, 2010 Report Share Posted July 4, 2010 Dear Sunstreet I am often comforted by the old saying "Great love, great loss". In a few simple words it puts into perspective how awful I feel and gives my enormous sorrow, and its depth and length, some reason (as if I needed to justify it, but sometimes I feel that pressure even being applied on me by me!). I know I am trying hard to go on without him, as Nat suggests, but it will have to be at my pace and if I feel down and teary, then so be it. I feel most vulnerable when the things I relied on him for are facing me. It can be something minor like the tap coming off in the shower yesterday, and it would certainly be a major health issue like yours. How your partner died is irrelevant to everyone here. Her pain must have been so great that at that time she couldn't see a way through it. That doesn't mean you weren't there to provide support or you wouldn't have kept trying. People here know what loss of someone truly loved means - try to find people in your real world that have a similar depth of understanding for what you are feeling. They do exist and are often the ones that say the least. My hope is that you will find some comfort ahead ....Susie Q Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted July 4, 2010 Report Share Posted July 4, 2010 Sunstreet: Thank you for your reply, and if it helps at all, what a bunch of utter nonsense in regards to medical conditions and suicide caused through being gay! It makes me angry that anyone could say such things to you when you are already going through so much. I sure hope you find someone in your life who can help you through everything. Of course, we are all here for you. Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted July 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 Cheryl, thank you so much. Yes, you are right I used this site before and it more than helped me. Yes, thank you for suggesting a grief support group and/or a cancer support group. I have thought of both, as far as a grief support group, the counselor I am working with feels I am not ready for that, he feels it would cause me more harm than good at this point. I don't know that I agree. I do know that like you it would be a HUGE step out of my comfort zone. In any case there are only two groups offered where I live for people who are bereaved by suicide and both have a long waitlist. The closest cancer support is over 70 miles away for me and due to my arthritis, to travel that far would be very challenging to say the least. Thank you for validating my feelings. I will not let my family keep me from gathering strength. I have survived more than one human should have to and I am not giving up yet. I want to close with again expressing that I am just sorry for your loss. Sunstreet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted July 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 Marty, Thank you so much for this information. Sunstreet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted July 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 Susie Q, Thank you for your post. I am so sorry for your loss. I understand that feeling of vulnerability when the things you relied on your loved one for are facing you for sure. Yes, "Great Love, Great Loss" for sure. Sunstreet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted July 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2010 Korina, Thank your for your post. Thank you for feeling angry on my behalf. I too hope I find someone, more important I hope I let someone into my life to be a support for me. Sunstreet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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