Other People's Grief As A Trigger?

[emptyinside]

Has anyone else had someone else grieving someone or something (be it a person, pet, whatever) triggering difficult emotions in you that perhaps brought back bad memories, frustrations, anger, sadness, etc.? I know as a griever we should become more attuned to people's needs when they grieve because we become more compassionate, but sometimes is it possible your gut reaction is a negative one because being that "fresh" grief brought back bad memories?

Not sure if this is making sense at all...

Thanks.

[Imadaddysgirl2]

Possibly. I'm learning about triggers, and I think I might have triggered soemthing in my stepmother. But, when grief is worked actively, I believe those triggers become stepping stones. I know now I can't open up to her the way that I want to because she doesn't want to grieve, and I think she doesn't know how to handle it. Hugs to you, Renee

[MartyT]

Hi Em,

The "triggers" you speak of are not at all unusual (see, for example, Dealing with Grief Triggers after a Loss and Grief Happens: Taking the Risk to Bloom after a Loss). The more we experience them, the more skilled we become at dealing with them, because we're better able to recognize them for what they are: normal, temporary, and manageable. And when we have a negative reaction to someone else's grief, we've gained enough insight to recognize where our own bad feelings are coming from. This is why, when bereaved individuals express interest in volunteering at a hospice, most agencies require that at least a year has passed since the death of their own family members. The assumption and expectation is that they will have had sufficient time to gain some distance from, and perspective on, their own personal losses. There is nothing magical about a year, of course, and it certainly does not mean that volunteers are expected to be completely "finished" with their own grief before they are capable of supporting someone else. It does mean, however, that when they work with the bereaved and certain feelings come up for them, they know whose grief they're dealing with.

[KATPILOT]

I am of course more than four years on this journey and I am not certain about triggers any more. I still have them and quite strong ones sometimes. Soon after Kathy died, I had a plate made for her car (something she never wanted) but I did it to honor her. Maybe I just wanted to stick everything about her all over me. I wanted it to say KATHY but the plate was taken so I added a last initial to it. I came upon the lucky person who had KATHY on his plate recently. I thought "Ah that's why I couldn't get it". But then, I noticed it was a breast cancer plate and suddenly it hit me. Could it be, he lost his wife to cancer too? Suddenly I became very sad. I just thought how happy I was he had it and perhaps we were very much in the same boat. I almost wanted to flag him down but it was way too emotional.,

I don't know Marty. Perhaps I could never be ready to volunteer cause it's way over a year and I still come apart sometimes. It doesn't take much but an itchy trigger finger.

[Suitearia]

Hello Marty. I was glad to see this forum and your links to triggers. However, the first link did not work (maybe the page has been taken down), is there a similar article that you have?

The second link did work and I will be reading it.

This topic interested me because 6/1/15 was a month after Ric died, 6/6/15 was our 13th anniversary, and I buried him 1 month ago 6/9/15. So this was a pretty emotional June for me so far.

Saturday started as a pretty good day (I was so calm and peaceful that I wondered if Ric was spiritually with me) but later that afternoon towards the end of my walk something triggered an emotional response and I fell apart. Was it seeing other bi-racial couples like Ric and I? Was it something else I saw? I don't know what triggered my swift decent from peace and calm to tears and saddness.

Last night I was listening to music and it seemed that the lyrics to many of the songs triggered a crying jag ... I decided to just go with it and played Josh Groban's "You're Still You", "To Where You Are", "You'll Never Walk Alone", then other favorites like "Somewhere", "On Eagles Wings", and then ended with Handel's Hallelujah Chorus. I haven't cried so hard since he died (I cried so hard I thought I might pass out my head got so fuzzy) ... I just held a picture of him close to me and let go.

Even if no one reads this I feel better for just posting it ... Thank you.

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

I've fixed the link to the first article, Dealing with Grief Triggers after a Loss, and here are some additional ones that may be of interest as well:

In Grief: Coping with STUGs (Sudden Temporary Upsurges of Grief)

Tips for Coping with Anniversary Reactions in Grief

Coping with Sorrow in Grief

[kayc]

I know of people who have skipped funerals because they couldn't handle it yet. I remember the first time I visited the hospital George died in. Tears poured down my cheeks the whole time I visited my friend there, and he felt bad I went through it but I said I needed to sometime.

[KATPILOT]

I know that feeling too kayc. I kept losing it when I had to go back to the Mayo clinic to make payments for Kathy's bil. I can't even drive by it without a sick feeling in my gut.

When my dad died after falling and hitting his head four months after Kathy left, I had a real hard time sitting in the hospital for those last few days because it brought back the memories. It's funny though, how I spent time in three different hospice homes with my step mom as the last, but it never hit me the same. Perhaps it was because in those situations you have already accepted the outcome but mostly because the staff was so very kind to me. I still go back and take stuff for those people who have such a job I could never comprehend doing. They are the true angels among us.

I was just reminded of other people as triggers when I was flying not long ago. On the radio was heard a pilot calling in using the name "Lifeguard" and it struck such a chord. I was brought back to the place where we were air evacing Kathy from Canada and the pilots used "Lifeflght" as their call sign and crossing over the US border, they became "Lifeguard". Kathy and I used to volunteer our time and my aircraft to transport medical patients who could not afford it for an organization know as Angel Flight. I knew that my call sign would become "Lifeguard" should the patient become critical. So now when I hear that, it makes me think of how somebody is in trouble or maybe near end of life. That is truly a trigger for me.

Thanks for the links Marty.

[MartyT]

♥

[kayc]

I think I would have mailed my payments, it's HARD going back to the hospital. I felt about my mom's dementia center like you did your stepmom's place...it never triggered me...but now that she's gone it'd be hard to go back there because it'd trigger me about HER!