I Am So Lost And Upset

[jennifer1969]

I'm so upset, I can't sleep and all I do is cry. I have taken to locking myself in my bedroom and hardly eating.I don't want to be around anyone. I don't know what to do. I can't believe my husband Mark is really gone. I didn't even get the chance to say good bye to him. I never got to tell him that day how much I loved him. I have lost my husband, my home, and car. I am now living with my brother and his family. My 18 year old son lives here to.

I hate my life and I really wish I was with Mark. I can't get my chest pains to stop. My life is a mess. What am I going to do. I can't believe he left me. Didn't he love me? Can someone tell me why he had to leave? I feel like my life has no meaning now. I'm trying to get some help. But it is taking so long. Nobody want to talk about it here with me. I need someone to talk to.

Please help me. I need a friend to talk to.

[Billw]

Hi Jennifer,

I'm really sorry you have to be here, I don't like this either. It is so hard to get through a day sometimes, it seems as though it lasts forever. I'm sure you husband loved you as my wife did me. I don't know why they had to leave but I'm sure if they had their choice they would rather be here with us. The only thing I can say at this point with any certainty at all is that you have to try to take care of yourself right now, I know this is a huge chore when you feel this bad but it will help to eat and get out of the house even for a short walk or something. That chest pain you are talking about is not good either, have you seen your doctor about that?

I'm going into my fourth month now and I still have no idea what the meaning of all of this is and will probably never know. One thing I do know is that my wife would want me to take care of myself and try to keep moving. I too am lost from day to day, I cry really hard and miss her horribly but I know this is part of a process that I will work through eventually. I found a good therapist and that is helping, I have stay close to this site at times when I don't have anybody around to talk to. I hate the fact that she is not here to enjoy life anymore, but as I said in a previous post the only way I keep her close now is to hold on to the gratitude for every second we spent together. When I can do that, she is as close to being beside me as it gets. That's a pretty tall order when we first get here though. For now please eat, rest when you can, and try to take care of yourself, remember we are all here for you too.

God bless you............BW

[kayc]

Jennifer,

Your chest pain is not something to ignore. Chances are it's anxiety, which you can easily do something about (I'm on Buspirone, which is inexpensive, doesn't have side affect for me and helps take some of the edge off...and it's non-addictive). But they do need to rule out heart, so please don't wait another day, get it checked out.

I'm so glad you have your brother to stay with. Do you have any other children besides your 18 year old?

Have you looked into a Grief Support group in your area? They don't have them in my area but I made wide use of this site and it really helped me make it through all this. We are here to listen and care and talk with you.

Do you have a job? I know it's kind of soon, but you might want to set some goals to work towards, a job, a place of your own, transportation. I t might take a while, but it really does wonders when you see yourself taking charge of your life. For me, when I lost George unexpectedly (we didn't get to say goodbye either), I felt it took away my power, so things like taking care of myself, making decisions, they seemed to restore some of my power that I felt was taken from me. Try taking a walk every day. Eat healthy. You may not see the point, but trust me, it'll help you feel better. Is there a place you could volunteer some time? Maybe a homeless kitchen? It helps to have your eyes on others rather than drawn inward to yourself all of the time, it makes your situation not loom quite so big to you. It does take time to process everything, time to figure things out. It doesn't all need done in a day, just a step at a time. Meanwhile, big (((hugs))) to you!

Kay

[Deb625]

Hi Jennifer, It is all just so hard and it is still amazing to me how much one person can cry, how many tears can be shed. It will be 3 months since my Michael left and I haven't had a day yet without tears and wishing for God to just give him back. There is the logical mind and the emotional heart. The logical mind tells us this has really happened and the emotional heart says it can't be true. My Michael was never cruel, how could he leave me in such pain? The reality is, this is so very hard. Try to be gentle with yourself and just take each day or moment one baby step at a time. Reach out for love and support from family, friends and this site. Know that everyone here understands and shares your pain and heartache. Take care, Deb

[jennifer1969]

I want to thank all of you for being there for me. My chest pians are from anxiety, and panic attack and depression. I have had these for a long time, but since Mark passed away they have gotten worse. I had to cry to everyone but I don't know what else to do. He was my life along with my son. We were together all the time. Mark started a life for me that I never new. Some one that loved me. I am the youngest out of 10 kids, but my family is a mess. That is a whole nother story. I miss him so much. He always was there for me and my son. In 10 years we only had 3 fights. We were ment to be. And now he is gone. Life just isn't fair.

[nats]

Jennifer,

I know your loss and sorrow in many ways, today it has been 6 months since my wife Ruth joined God and the angels, I miss her so much somedays it seems like she just left others it feels like it's been a while, I cry often but not as much now as in the beginning, we must go on our loved ones would not want us to quit, I may have said that many times but it's so true, I feel some of the grief we feel is their sadness that they are not here with us....I am feeling waves of grief today and I'm sure we all will for some time....maybe you should see a Dr about your panic attacks, I had them bad and still do on some days and I never know what will trigger them, my Dr put on a mild med. for stress and the attacks are now managable when I have them...life is not fair your correct ever wonder why? because it's not a game it's reality and God's will, I have learned many things since Ruth left we can not just stop our lives we must move on, easy and slow at our own pace and our terms, we then complete our mission God has for us then join our loved ones in heaven when the Lord calls....until then we keep them in our hearts and remember all the happy times the Lord blessed us with and the time we had with them however long....and most of all the we must be thankful we had the opportunity to love the way we did and that truely is a blessing....I think the saying is "its better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all".....my prayers are with you....

NATS

[FaithFull]

Your pain is heartbreaking; it comes through in your words. I am a newer member to this sight, but could immediately see the benefit of communicating with people who "get it". I'm sure your Mark did not want to leave you; he sounds like a wonderful person who came into your life and made it better. Maybe it would be helpful to ask yourself, "What would Mark want me to do now? If I were the one who had died, what would I have wanted Mark to do?" Please take care.

[kayc]

Jennifer,

I know, life isn't fair. George is the only man that ever really understood me too, and cared. I'm glad you have your son because you have to hang in there for him. Try to remember that Mark is STILL present, just in spirit form but your love continues even now.

Kay

[closs86]

Hi

I know what you are talking about, I also had the tightness in the chest and throat, went to the doctor to check it out, had it day and night, when my husband passed April 6, the doctor took some tests, and determined it was stress and anxiety, it stood like that for a few months some days worse than others, but the past month it seems to be getting better, I don;t have it all the time, maybe your doctor can give you something for it, Mine did, and it really didn't help me much, but there are meds out there that will help.

take care of yourself

Karen

[Korina]

I sure know how you feel about life not being fair. How could God let Scott die? He was my soulmate and I miss him as much now as I did a year ago. But somehow we must make a go of our new lives. You have a son, and I know that my daughter is my reason to live. It is very hard to make it through the early weeks and months, but if you just concentrate on one step at a time, and try to set some positive goals, even if they are small, it will help. And your goal may be to write a letter to your husband, go to the grocery store, or just do the laundry.

Hang in there.

Korina