Will Grief Lead To Addiction?

[melina]

It's been terrible and bumpy ride so far. Yesterday I wasn't too bad - at least not after I saw my grief counselor. This morning I drove our eldest son and his wife to the airport so they could return to their studies in the US. I've had all four kids plus one daughter-in-law with me this last month. We were all at my husband's bedside when he died. I made the trip fine, was able to concentrate on the road, say goodbye without too many tears and drove home again. Altogether a four hour trip.

I got home from the airport, and collapsed into tears. It was early, so the two sons left at home - at least for now - were still asleep. I took a sedative, then a glass of wine, then one more glass of wine. Nothing helped.

I never drink in the morning. I'm not even usually a drinker. Nor am I the type to use sedatives and sleeping pills. Now I'm wondering if I'm headed down the road to addiction.

The overwhelming guilt, thoughts of regret and most of all the deep grief, loneliness and longing are eating me up inside. When does grief become pathological?

Melina

[MartyT]

Melina, dear ~ It's important to remember that grief is not a pathological condition. It is a normal response to significant loss. Loss creates an emotional wound, but it is an injury that can be healed. With help and understanding, the pain of loss can be transformed into a challenging new beginning, and your grief experience can become a healthy, positive and healing process. To make the process of grief a healing one, you must go through it actively, which means moving through it thoughtfully and working with it deliberately. Expressed grief can be worked with and released, but suppressed grief will torment you in ways you cannot control. Healthy, normal mourning is a process of honestly facing the reality of your loss, coming to terms with its impact on your life, learning to access all available resources for recovery, finding meaning in your loss and continuing to live productively in the years that follow. Certainly it can turn into a complicated grief reaction, in which painful emotions are so long lasting and so severe that you're unable to function normally ~ but given the fact that you are here with us, seeking information, finding available resources, reaching out for support and responding to our efforts to help, that is not likely to happen.

As for your concerns about using alcohol, the fact that you're "not even usually a drinker" and you're "not the type to use sedatives and sleeping pills" tells me that you don't have a history of substance abuse, so it is unlikely that you will suddenly develop an addiction to alcohol or drugs. On the other hand, when you're suffering something as devastating as the death of your spouse, the lure of taking something to dull the pain can be very seductive. Common as it may be, this strategy for avoiding pain only serves to aggravate it ~ especially in the case of alcohol, which acts as a depressant and often leaves you feeling worse. See this article, Alcohol Not the Answer.

[loulou]

Melina,I cant say I know just how you feel,because I did not lose my husband.I cant imagine how much pain you feel.I lost my dad suddenly on New Years,but he raised me and we were always real close.He was 49,and has children younger then my children.He was my bestfriend,outlet,shoulder,ect.When he passed I was distraught,(still am)and found comfort in sedatives.It got to the point where I would cry everyday and could only stop when I would take my pills.I would take them to go to work,or even the store.They were the only comfort I could find.I think God,or my dad or the universe or whatever saw I needed help and sent me a unexpected pregnancy because I'm sure that was the ONLY thing that would straighten me out.Facing my grief is so hard without the dullness of the pills,and so many times I wish I could have them.But this is how it is.I'm very torn on how to respond to medicine questions.They are dangerous,but also they do help greatly.Its a fine line.I know I'm not helping,but I wanted to share that with you.Its a slippery slope.My heart breaks for you.I have read all your posts,and you are fresh into this.I would like to say do what you need to help you through this very tough time period,but if you feel like your becoming dependent step back and address it before its out of control.Strength and hugs to you.

[Darl]

Melina,

My husband died 18 days ago, some days I can function and other days I am a mess. When I went to the doctor (the appointment was for something unrelated but I could not stop crying while I was there) he gave me xanax. I too am not a pill taker but on the really bad days, when I can't stop sobbing I will take one, I too do not want any problems with being dependent. On a day I was exceptionally bad and had to talk to my husbands oncologist nurse she advised me to take them for a short while. I already can't remember anything I am doing so certainly don't want a pill adding to the problem, but on the days that I am crossing over to the point of hysteria I will take one. I still cry butit is not out of control.

I find great comfort in this group, it is here when I need it, no one criticizes, they just give me hope that each day I will feel a little less numb.

Darl

[Deb625]

I don't know if it helps, but with regards to sleeping, I always kept the day 3 mark in my head. If I hadn't slept in 3 days, I would take a pill or a half a pill (Zopolcone). 3 1/2 months in, I still hold on to this rule and might add that I still haven't had a good, restful sleep - however, at least every 3 or 4 days I do get some rest. I am greatly looking forward to the day I wake up and actually feel rested. My Doctor asked me if I thought I was depressed and I replied that I honestly feel lack of sleep is the number one issue for me on my ability to cope, to eat properly, to continue with the activities of daily living... Take care, Debby

[Jennalee]

Melina, what a difficult but thoughtful question. Here's my take. I used to take Xanax for anxiety many years. I was not an occasional user like Darl. I started to take the stuff every single day, and my doctor assured me that was okay. It wasn't. Had I stuck with occasional use like Darl I would have been fine, but daily use was too much. I ended up addicted and whenever I tried to stop the anxiety and depression was absolutely unreal. I'm happy to say I tapered off slowly over six months time and after months of hellish withdrawals I am now 100% Benzodiazepine free. Even when I found out my husband had died, I did not reach for a benzo cause I knew what awful terror it could bring me.

Again, to clarify, for occasional use, I think they're okay. They can really help a person. But anyone taking them daily should just be really careful, cause they can be very, very addictive and the withdrawal is worse than even heroin or opiate withdrawal. I know, I've been through it first hand. Just my two cents, and I wish all of us the fastest and safest recovery possible.

[Korina]

My take on it is that if we dull our pain with alcohol or drugs, we will never really face it, and life will never really get better. And I can finally honestly say it really does get better. However, I don't doubt that the occasional use of either if fine; we just have to be cognitive that it should remain 'occasional'.

Hugs,

Korina

[melina]

My take on it is that if we dull our pain with alcohol or drugs, we will never really face it, and life will never really get better. And I can finally honestly say it really does get better. However, I don't doubt that the occasional use of either if fine; we just have to be cognitive that it should remain 'occasional'.

Hugs,

Korina

Korina, how long did it take before you noticed it really started to get better?

Melina

[melina]

Melina, dear ~ It's important to remember that grief is not a pathological condition. It is a normal response to significant loss. Loss creates an emotional wound, but it is an injury that can be healed. With help and understanding, the pain of loss can be transformed into a challenging new beginning, and your grief experience can become a healthy, positive and healing process. To make the process of grief a healing one, you must go through it actively, which means moving through it thoughtfully and working with it deliberately. Expressed grief can be worked with and released, but suppressed grief will torment you in ways you cannot control. Healthy, normal mourning is a process of honestly facing the reality of your loss, coming to terms with its impact on your life, learning to access all available resources for recovery, finding meaning in your loss and continuing to live productively in the years that follow. Certainly it can turn into a complicated grief reaction, in which painful emotions are so long lasting and so severe that you're unable to function normally ~ but given the fact that you are here with us, seeking information, finding available resources, reaching out for support and responding to our efforts to help, that is not likely to happen.

As for your concerns about using alcohol, the fact that you're "not even usually a drinker" and you're "not the type to use sedatives and sleeping pills" tells me that you don't have a history of substance abuse, so it is unlikely that you will suddenly develop an addiction to alcohol or drugs. On the other hand, when you're suffering something as devastating as the death of your spouse, the lure of taking something to dull the pain can be very seductive. Common as it may be, this strategy for avoiding pain only serves to aggravate it ~ especially in the case of alcohol, which acts as a depressant and often leaves you feeling worse. See this article, Alcohol Not the Answer.

Marty - I wonder if I might turn out to become one of those comnplicated grief people. I have all the risk factors. Also - when I say I'm not usually a drinker or a drug taker - I've been regularly using alcohol and oxazepam since he died. The same thing happened after we got his diagnosis a year ago, but when we received some positive news that they might be able to beat the cancer or at least control it - I was able to cut out the oxazepam and reduce drinking to a glass of wine a day. Then he suddenly died - and we were completely unprepared. Even the doctors were surprised.

Now I've been taking up to 25 mg oxazepam a day, plus drinking from the afternoon until nearly bedtime. As I said, yesterday I drank at 10 in the morning, which I have never done before. I feel it's definitely out of control, but if my pain is this bad WITH drugs and alcohol, imagine how it will be without anything to dull the pain. It will be torture.

Right now I feel like I'm drowning and am not sure I'll be able to cope. I have a grief counselor and a psychologist I can call, but otherwise little support. I'm on Lexapro - an antidepressant - which hasn't done a thing for me despite being on it for a year now. I'm terrified I'm not going to be able to take care of my 19 year old, let alone myself. I even forget to feed the dog. Luckily my son remembers.

For me - it's the guilt at not appreciating my husband more when he was alive. I was burned out from all the stress during his illness - caregiving and working full time. Now I can't work or give care to myself.

I'm so hurt too at the lack of compassion from my mother and siblings. It's when you face your worst crisis ever that you see how people really are. My sons are troopers but are of course hurting too - and I try to be strong and supprotive for them when talking to them, but can't do the same for myself.

Sorry for rambling here. People on this site seem to be coping so well, in spite of it all, but I'm just not sure I can manage. I feel like everyone else were so wonderful with their spouses - sitting at their bedside day and night if they were ill, or being 100% loving spouses up until they were suddenly killed. It wasn't like that for us, and I have severe guilt that just won't go away. It really does feel like drowning.

Melina

[MartyT]

Melina, dear ~ You say that you're taking two anti-anxiety agents, "drinking from the early afternoon until bedtime," and "feel that it's definitely out of control." That's about as honest as you can be, and I respect and admire you for being so honest with yourself and with all of us. My question is this: Is your grief counselor aware of the extent to which you are mixing these powerful substances? What about the physician who is prescribing them for you? I must tell you, Melina, that given what you're sharing with all of us, it is imperative that you let your therapist and your physician know exactly what's going on with you, exactly what you're taking and how often, and how ineffective all of it has been in helping you cope. Clearly this combination is not working for you, and your health care providers need to know it! The drugs you are taking can be habit-forming. They can lose their effectiveness over time, as your body develops a tolerance for them. They may intensify the effects of alcohol, and should not be combined with drinking. They both have side effects that aggravate and add to the normal physical reactions we all experience in grief, negatively affecting your appetite and sleep patterns, among other things. It is no wonder to me that you are feeling as awful as you do! So much of it is due to the combination of chemicals you are taking into your system on a daily basis!

You say you're hurt at the lack of compassion from your mother and siblings, and I'm very sorry that they're not coming through for you, Melina ~ but there is nothing you can do about that right now. What matters now ~ what you CAN do something about ~ is the extent to which you show compassion for yourself. Right now the most important person in your universe is YOU, and it is imperative that you begin taking better care of yourself. No one can do this for you, Melina, including those of us here who DO feel deep concern and compassion for you. All we can do is urge you toward making better and healthier choices for yourself.

We hear you shouting to all of us that you are drowning, Melina. We are tossing a life-saver inner tube to you, and we are hoping and praying with all our hearts that you will grab onto it and save yourself.

[Korina]

Korina, how long did it take before you noticed it really started to get better?

Melina

I think it was gradual, in that over the first 6 months, as I was still on maternity leave, not working, and spending all my time with our daughter, there were moments every day with Kailyn that made me smile mixed in with the heavy grief. And when I spent time with my family and with Scott's family, I believe it all helped. However, it wasn't until I went back to work and got used to the fact that I would never get another call or email from him while at work (he used to call and email all the time during the day). For me, that probably took about 4 months (so it was close to a year). Now, I have a promotion at work and am excited about it. Work also keeps my mind busy, and I am grateful that there are those at work to whom I can comfortably talk to about Scott.

Now (almost 15 months), my days are generally pretty good, but I still have moments and days of total sadness and tears, anger, the whole bit. And I will never stop missing him. But now, instead of just mourning the fact that Scott is not here with me to enjoy a beautiful sunny day, or to hear the swishing of ocean water, I can to a degree, appreciate the beauty and peace.

All throughout, the feelings were not constant. One day I could be pretty could and then the next week, cry till I was so stuffed up I had to breathe through my mouth.

I think it is probably different for everyone, but the only way to get through it is to concentrate on the day at hand (at least that's how it has been for me).

Take care, Melina

[kayc]

Melina,

You asked how long it took before it started to get better.

That is such an individual thing that no one can really give you the answer you're looking for..you are wanting to know how long it will keep feeling like this. All I can say is, it gradually gets better, so gradual you hardly notice, and then one day you look back and see your progression. It's like three steps forward, two steps backward, you move in a progressive fashion.

I am going through it with the loss of my fiance...it's not the same as death, but it's loss and grief nonetheless. I just wrote a response in there that might help you...

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=5333&st=30&gopid=42750&#entry42750

There is a silver lining to all of this experience...it may not seem worth it to you, but it's a silver lining nonetheless, and that is we learn so much through this experience and the lessons we learn we take with us and help us face other things in life on down the road. We develop our sense of identity, survival skills, ability to empathize, our faith, etc. Everything might feel like a nosedive at first, but it doesn't stay there, it evolves. Hang in there and trust us, it will get better for you.

[Korina]

Melina:

I wanted to add that while it may seem to you that everyone here had a spectacular relationship, there are many posts throughout that talk about all the guilt we have about not being better wives or husbands at one point or the other - the message being that no one is perfect.

For my part, early on in our relationship, neither of us was perfect. We both hurt each other. I wonder if some of the things I did contributed to his alcoholism. And now, I will always regret that I didn't draw a line in the sand over his drinking earlier. But I kept telling myself he could beat it without help (HA - that is one in a million - but then I still believe he was one in a million); but in more honest moments I would think that if I left, I might lose a husband but at least he would still be alive (if that indeed would have spurred him to sobriety). Scott died while in treatment, so believe me, I second guess every single move I made, from leaving him for 5 weeks to waiting till when I did to have an intervention. To regretting that I did that at all, because he died of an infection - if I hadn't put him in a situation surrounded by people, maybe he wouldn't have caught the infection. The woulda shoulda couldas are endless. But the reality is that he is gone and I have to live on for my daughter. I know he loved me and I loved him, right to the end, and until I see him again, that will have to be good enough (and through all the pain, it is).

If we here know you loved your husband, then surely he did, and I believe does now more than we can understand.

Korina

[Jennalee]

Oh Melina, I must confess, my relationship was not perfect either. Ajay and I experienced MAJOR culture clash and at times he would just yell and yell and I would be sobbing in the bedroom. We were far from perfect. Would I give absolutely everything in me to have him back? In a heartbeat!!! But I'm realizing that's just not possible. But we were most definitely not perfect. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I hope that makes you feel your relationship was more normal than you realized. Much love to you!

[Lainey]

Melina,

As Jennalee and Korina and many more have said "our relationship was not perfect". It is so true. No couple goes through life without arguing and having different opinions.

I spent over a year looking after my husband. First he had a back operation in Nov,2008 and wasn't very mobile. In April,2009 he had a bladder operation that left him with a urostomy bag that constantly leaked or overfilled. My washing machine ran everyday for at least 2 washes. He also had to driven to back therapy and once the pain from the cancer got worse, he was on such heavy doses of pain meds. that he could hardly function on his own. My job then became a 24 hour job of non stop running. Did I feel resentment? YES!! Did I feel tied down? YES!! Did I sometimes wish I could be somehere else? YES!!Did I feel guilt because there was no time for things I needed to do for myself? YES!!And yet during all these bad feelings I still loved my husband the same as I did when he was healthy.

Once we lose our spouse I think we tend to see things differently, 'we had the perfect marriage, our spouse was the perfect person'etc. In truth, once we begin to come out of the fog that we are in at first, we begin to see their faults AND ours also. NO one is perfect, but the person we loved, we loved because they were who they were ,faults and all. Because we all have faults, no relationship is perfect.

Now I think back to the time I was taking care of Lars and wish that I could take back many things I said to him in the heat of an argument. He was very laid back and very seldom would he argue, until the last 6 months.So I carry alot of guilt in my heart and there are bad days when it comes back to haunt me. Mostly, I try to remember the good times and my "Happy" relationship.

As long as you loved each other and respected each other, your relationship was perfect for you. Do not beat yourself up over guilt, you did as best you could and your man knows that.

Maybe you should consider seeing a counsillor to help you understand your feelings and that might make it easier to quit using pills and alcohol as much.It is easy to turn to something to help us forget, the problem is that once you quit using, the pain is right back.I am not being self righteous here, talking from experience with alcohol. To make matters worse many members in my family have a drinking problem and I made a promise to myself many years ago that I would never follow in their footsteps! Surprising what we do when we are not thinking straight.

Please try to find help, turn to your children, they are also grieving and need an outlet also.

I hope this post makes sense to you.I'll be wishing the best for you.

Hugs,

Lainey