No Energy

[melina]

It seems to me that even though I force myself now to either walk or run every day with the dog, I have no energy for anything else. I have to make dinner for my youngest son, and I have to put the dishes in the dishwasher and I have to wash his clothes. But apart from that, I don't want to do anything else.

We just bought and moved into this house a month before he died. There are so many things I need to do around here, but they were things we were going to do together. Now it just seems pointless. Who cares? I haven't cleaned the house since my husband died a month ago. My clothes are all over the floor in our room because I can't handle opening the closet and seeing his clothes.

Our third son comes home on weekends now and then, and I should fix up his room so it looks more cozy and lived in, but I just can't get going. A lot of our stuff is still in boxes.

Will the energy ever come back? I owe it to my sons to give them a home when they need it. If it were just me, I might not do anything at all. I'm already dreading Christmas too. Imagine the energy it will take to get through that. It's like having chronic fatigue syndrome.

Melina

[MZM]

Melina...can only imagine what you're going through...

Be patient with yourself. Thats what my counselor has told me...and you know what, it helps. Then you know that by allowing yourself to grieve that you're facing it and although we have a long road ahead of us, this is all part of the healing.

It does help to get out there though. I could only do that after the first 4 weeks though. Its now the 7th week and getting out there has helped. You will be able to do that too. Be patient with yourself hunni...

Go out with girl friends to the mall. Even if you feel like you dont have the energy, force yourself to do it.Even if looking at the stores has no effect on you, just do it though. But know that once the first time is over, there will be a second time thats a little better.

Im dreading Christmas too. We were never here - loved to travel. Im hoping to be working in another country far far away over that time:(

[Sharon3]

Lack of energy is part of the grieving process we go through. It is exhausting to be on such an emotional journey every day. In time your energy will increase. I too thought it was just me, but I had it validated many times through this post and through my counsellor that the emotion we feel and the stress we may be under is exhausting. On the other hand, it does not mean we go to bed and pull the covers up over our head every day as we might like as this not healthy either. Just know what you are feeling is real and part of what you are going through....listen to your body and take care of yourself.

[kayc]

Grieving does take energy. Right now I am grieving the loss of a relationship, and even that has sapped me. Maybe it'd help to make a list of things you think need done. Then rate those things as to what has to be kept up with (dishes, laundry), what needs done periodically (housecleaning), and what you'd like to see get done but it's not imperative it get done now (your son's room).

As for Christmas, it's not a have to, it's what we think is expected, there's a difference. Maybe scale way back on it this year. It's not something I want to think about this year, partly because I know whatever I do will be by myself and I'm not in the mood for it. For instance, maybe put up decorations but no tree, or maybe bake but don't send cards, or maybe do presents for the little kids in the family but not adults, or something like that so it's more manageable.

[Billw]

My wife and I bought a large home it is a beautiful place. We had started several large projects in the house before she got sick and then put them all on hold. After she was gone I stalled out on the house. One day I looked around and thought it might be nice to have this place put back together and finish the projects. She had left the paint and flooring samples that she liked so I started with her office where she worked from home. After painting her room I continued through the rest of the house and then had the floors done. I put a lot of her personal things back in her room with some new chairs and things from a store that she shopped at frequently, I framed and hung a lot of pictures of us and our boys over the years. I found a couple of nice pieces of art and a few other items for the walls. All of her books and a lot of the things she cherished are in this room. Her urn is in there and I try to keep a nice flowering plant or fresh flowers next to it. I begin each morning in that room with some type of spiritual reading and a few quite minutes before work. Everyone that has been in there comments on how peaceful it feels and the sense of well being that it represents. The boys love it, there are a lot of great memories in the pictures and items in that room. You can really feel the love for one another when you look around. It took a little time to get motivated again but it sure has turned out nice. Grieving is exhausting but I think physical activity and some of these projects have saved me over the past few months, the more I move the better I feel. I hope we can all find some joy in our lives again.

[Lainey]

Bill, the room sounds so special, a wonderful place to go and remember the good times and what a special person your wife was

Hugs,

Lainey

[Korina]

Grieving is most definitely exhausting. I like Kay's idea of rating what is a priority in terms of housework. Maybe then make a goal of tackling one thing a day, no matter how small. Somedays you might not do anything, but that's fine. Other days, you will. Is there some task that you and your son could do together, such as arranging his room? It might be good for both of you (just a suggestion, as this depends a lot in where your son is at in his grieving process.

Korina

[melina]

I'll try to tackle one thing at a time. I wouldn't mind being able to redecorate and fix things up but I have neither the money nor the carpentry skills my husband had. It's sort of that drowning/being overwhelmed feeling that grabs me all the time.

Melina

[Deb625]

Hi Melina, it is early days for you and your family. Exhaustion for me is probably the number one factor in coping with this new life forced upon me. I am getting better, I can recognize improvements, however, haven't had a good restful sleep yet and still cry/sob everyday at 3 1/2 months without my Michael. When all is overwhelming, what worked for me is to take the smallest tasks first and work up to the bigger ones. Try to get through just one task a day (baby steps) and try to complete it in the morning not at the end of they day when you're drained. This has worked for me, at least in getting the "everyday, necessary" things done. I have a million other things left to do, but they are of low priority and I just don't have the energy... Hope this helps... Take care, Deb

[kayc]

If it's any consolation, I don't have the brawn or skills my husband had, hence the house still needs painted. I did get someone to replace the ramp he'd dismantled and was in the process of replacing. It's all I can do to keep up with the chores that do need done, and I have very little time leftover. Commuting robs me of 15 hours a week that I could be using for home maintenance so I guess I can't expect too much of myself. I figure someday the house will be sold for a fixer upper...if I can keep it out of foreclosure. It is what it is.

[sunstreet]

Dear Melina,

I am so sorry for your loss and the turbulent sea of grief and pain. I encourage you to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to not get things done as well as before. One thing that really helped me and still does is to think of my pain as waves on the ocean, no matter how big or turbulent the waves are, they all eventualy reach shore and dissipate.

Blessings and courage to you all as you learn to weather this loss.

Sunstreet

[ipswitch]

Please be gentle with yourself.

I am in a similar situation. We purchased this house with the idea of fixing it up...Dear departed had all the know how, though. It will get done, just not on the original timetable.

And this would be a good time to see a doctor as well. I broke down crying in the OB-GYN's office (nurse asked if my husband was still the person to contact in case of emergency) I was just sooo exhausted. An iron supplement is helping me a lot. A lot. The difference is night and day.

So sorry for your loss.