Where Do I Fit In?

[Perkins808]

Nine months ago my fiance Jeff (my soulmate, my bestfriend) was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. We got married, had a beautiful wedding that we managed to put together in four days and then three days later he started chemo and radiation. He responded so fantastically that at the end of June we were told that the tumor in his esophagus was gone. We were still cherishing the great news when on July 18th, Jeff went into cardiac arrest while we were watching a movie and died at the age of 45.

I was devastated to say the least.....the emotional roller coaster we had been on for almost a year was overwhelming. We were just finishing up his last rounds of treatments and were looking forward to enjoying some "normal" life that didn't include weekly trips to Dana-Farber. How cruel life can be!

Now it's been two months and I still feel lost. I think the worst feeling is that I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore - not even home. I keep myself busy to the point of exhaustion so that I don't dwell on being so all alone. I never did alone well.....and I was lucky enough to have found a man who loved spending as much time with me as I did with him. We spent every minute we could together, and never tired of each other. Unfortunately as much as I enjoyed it while he was here, it makes now so much harder.

I have been to so many grief sights looking for something positive to latch onto, and I find this site to be so much more positive than other sites I've seen. I don't want to dwell on negativity, I want to grow, I want to be positive.....it's how we lived when Jeff was here, it's how he'd want me to be, it's how I want to be.

I know everyone grieves in their own way, but does anyone have any advice on how to stay positive while going through this overwhelming process?

Tammy

[Billw]

Hi Tammy, So sorry for your loss, 45 wow. I was relating to the emotional roller coaster, life can be really cruel. My wife finished her last round of chemo July of 09 and we skipped out of the oncologist in disbelief. It was too good to be true and ultimately she got worse and died in April. Your relationship with Jeff sounds a lot like ours. We cherished every day we spent together, it was not always perfect but we really learned how to enjoy one another. We loved to get out and explore new places and take in the good things in life, God knows we worked hard to get to the spot where we could do a lot more things and time just ran out on us. Some days that one really eats at me that she is not here to enjoy the fruits of our labor. I will continue to do everything I can to finish the things we started. You are right, this is a positive place that offers comfort. There are a lot of really fine people going through hard times together. They have helped me immensely through the past months. Please keep posting and take care of your self. My only advice is to pull up every happy memory you can and hold it tight in your heart, when I can do this, the feeling of gratitude takes over and I can feel my wife's energy all around me. It is the best thing I have felt since she left. That's a great picture. God bless...BW

[sunstreet]

Tammy,

I am sorry for your loss. Welcome to this forum. I understand that feeling you have of feeling like you don't belong. The pain is so great and unlike anything we have felt before and at least in my circle of people in the world had never heard anyone talk of such pain. You do belong Tammy. I hope this forum is one strategy that helps you feel like you belong again.

It is hard to remain positive at times. We can choose to see positives if we look. One thing that has helped me is to think on the fact that although my partner died and is not with me in the same way, she is still with me. Our collective love that we shared with our loved ones lives on and survives their physical physical death. Another exercise that I find quite helpful is I started what I call a "grateful heart" journal. Each and every day before I sleep I sit down, and write down the things I am grateful for. I think it is important also to really pay attention to our own self-care, nuture ourselves, feed ourselves, get plenty of rest. This is how I have been able to see the positives, new opportunities, new beginnings.

May your experience here be as joyous for you as it has for me.

Courage and Blessings to you.

Carol Ann

[Perkins808]

Hi Bill,

Thank you for your kind words. Jeff and I did have a special relationship. We had only been together for 4 short years, but I feel like we squeezed a lifetime into the time we did have together.

Jeff had been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease about 12 years before I met him......that disease had almost killed him, they had sent him home to die but somehow he managed to pull through. Not only did he pull through, he had a new outlook on life. When he and I met, he shared this with me. I don't know if it was the thought of how close he was to not being here or what it was, but we both appreciated every moment we had together from the very beginning. We enjoyed all the simple pleasures, we never missed an opportunity to say I love you and most of all we always made sure the other knew how important they were. He made me feel like a princess everyday.....and he was my king.

Not too many people would understand this, but when you are diagnosed with stage 4 cancer you are given an opportunity if you chose to take it. You are given the opportunity to leave no unfinished business - we had the chance to talk about everything, we left nothing unsaid. So now I can look back with no regrets. When Jeff wanted to go get ice cream and I had work to finish up, we chose the ice cream. When Jeff came up behind me in the kitchen to give me a hug, I always turned around to face him no matter what project I was in the middle of - so that I could look in his eyes and he would know he had my full attention. I loved him with all my heart - and I think I did a pretty good job of making sure he felt that every day.

I have so many wonderful memories, so many sweet moments to think back on....and you are right. When I am at a low point, I think of those moments and realize how blessed I am just to have known him.

I am sorry for your loss Bill, but I am glad you have all of your wonderful memories to cherish as well.

Tammy

[Perkins808]

I am sorry for your loss Carol Ann. I think the gratitude journal is a good idea - Jeff and I lived like that before he died. Even after finding out he had cancer, we found a reason every day to say that Life is Good. We focused on the positive, we focused on our love, our laughter. I can say without a doubt that we enjoyed every day to the fullest.

I can't wait to be out of this "funk" so that I can find my way back to the same mindset. I don't want to sleepwalk through life, I want to live.....but I guess I need to work through this grief process first before I can get there. Baby steps?

[Deb625]

Hi Tammy, I lost the love of life 4 months ago this week. It is still so difficult to be alone and I hate this new life forced upon me. Yes, I also feel like those around me are tired of hearing about my grief, they have gotten on with the lives they know, we are learning to build a new one on our own - and it sucks. I know I am not the person I was before Michael left this earth - I have fundamentally changed and I think I've probably come through learning to roll over and have maybe just started to crawl - walking, talking etc... are still down the road. I feel that I just have to be conscious of my limitations, try my best to use what energy I have (which is little beyond work) trying to take care of myself and try to keep getting out there in the world amongst the living to continue learning how to live this new life - and for me to keep positive for now is more of a process of the "fake it, until you make it". Take care, Deb

[Billw]

Tammy, you really struck a chord when you spoke about people not realizing the opportunity we are given when our loved ones have been diagnosed with late stage cancers, and the choice to take it. My wife and I learned early in our relationship how to be kind to one another, please,thank you, I love you, you look great today, and so on. These things along with my wife's cute smile every time I walked in the room went a long way to better our relationship over the years. People really don't get the importance of these little things. We did these things many times throughout the day without any thought, after she became sick, she got up with me every morning still wanting to make my lunch for work, it was painful to watch but she insisted on trying, she had been so beat up by the chemo and the disease it was horrible. For an independent, strong woman it upset her if I tried to help her with some things so I let her do it. After a while she just couldn't do a whole lot, that girl thanked me every day for taking such good care of her. I never missed an opportunity for a kiss or hug or to hold hands until she would fall asleep. I am so happy to have had those moments and wouldn't trade one second for anything. Thank God we took the time before and after she became ill, as I have no regrets or unfinished business with her as you said. We spent a lot of hours talking late into the night over the last year she was alive and we shared a lot of joys, fears, and promises that I plan to keep. Thanks again for posting....BW

[melina]

Tammy,

I have a similar story. My non-smoking husband was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer, which then went to stage 4. He was in remission though, when a complicated pneumonia killed him. We were completely unprepared, and though this happened over a month ago, I still feel like I'm partly in shock. Often I can't believe it's actually happened. We were together 29 years - nearly my entire adult life - and have four sons - the youngest of which lives at home. Mornings are absolutely the worst for me. Well, and evenings when I'm going to bed. I try not to look too far into the future, because I get panicky thinking about living for years and years without him by my side.

It's hard to come up with a lot of positive things in a situation like this. But this group has been a wonderful support for me. I have no family nearby and few friends to lean on. My husband was my rock. I suppose the only thing I can offer you in a positive sense is that I now have certain times of the day where things are not quite as painful and I can manage to do other things. At the beginning I just sat still at the table, unable to go out or even to eat. I had thoughts of suicide and was basically a mess. That has changed already, and I'm making progress, I think, though I still cry every day, sometimes just a little, sometimes hysterically sobbing.

They say those periods where the grief is not as intense will grow longer and come more often. While we wait to heal, I think we just have to plow through this year as best we can. I have a grief counselor I talk with. It helps at least for an hour or so after I've spoken with her. And maybe it puts things into perspective. I have an enormous amount of guilt and regret, so it helps to talk with someone about that.

Melina

[melina]

Bill,

Your post here makes me feel so guilty. We had a hectic year last year - financial trouble, moving house twice, trying to sort out our kids - all on top of my husband's cancer. I have several regrets and unfinished business. Though we often told each other "I love you" and kissed and held one another, there were also times of frustration and weariness. When I think of all those times I could have kissed or held him, but didn't, it burns a hole in my heart. I'm wondering if my grief will linger because of this. I don't know how I'm going to manage it.

Melina

[Billw]

I'm sorry Melina, I know we would all change things or do something different if we could, you are not alone in feeling this way. Those times are hard no doubt about it, you can't sugar coat the effects of cancer and the turmoil it can bring to your life. It effects everything and everyone around it, believe me we had our days. I hope you feel better today...BW

[nats]

Hello Tammy and everyone,

Tammy first let me say I feel your pain and sorrow with you and pray God will comfort you in your time of need, your journey and love sounds so much like the closeness Ruth and I shared, when we found out she had advanced small cell lung cancer outr life changed somehow we knew she would not survive but we never faced it like that, we had lived together for 5 years prior to be diagnosed and were engaged to marry but had no rush as we had such happiness and joked we knew to many people that after getting married there lifes changed and we didn't want that to happen to us, but before entering hospital for first chemo round I asked her to marry me, her doctor gave us the weekend so we planned our wedding in 3 days married, had our homymoon as we called it cause we stayed home, and on Monday entered the hospital for the start of a nine month battle that she faced with the most positive, faithfilled and fearless attitude like I've ever seen in someone she was so determined to beat the cancer. We also made that choice to get things in order in as much as we loved each other like never before, we spoke about her passing and her fear was that I would be here alone, we spoke about how I would miss her, we cuddled in each others arms as we prayed and gave God thanks for allowing us to experience such a strong love and bond, and we never missed a second to tell each other how special and how much we loved each other....we did not however have all the financial issues in order as we ask the doctor should we call hospice and he advised us she had another 10 months, that now is causing me some issues as we had no clue she would leave so quickly and unexpectedly in fact I was getting all the paperwork in order and ready to be signed 2 days before she left....so we must go on with that positive energy left from the happy memories and the loved we shared because nothing will or can ever take that from us, I also focus very strong on the spiritual aspect of her leaving and have found an energy unfound in conventional earth terms and as we know it, I truely feel her spirit daily, my new close friend lost her husband a year ago and she also has the connection at times with her husband and she asks me if I think it's because we both have there ashes in our homes?, I tell her I'm unsure but that may play a part in that they are both at home in there urns and still very much with us, in any event we take the positive energy and focus on our new lives without our spouses and give thanks for all we have...I pray your grief will ease and you may find some comfort and as BillW said focus on the happy memories...I like your outlook on being positive...take care and my God be with you...

NATS

[kayc]

Tammy,

I am so sorry you lost your husband...my husband and I were only married 3 years and 8 months but knew each other 6 1/2 years. Like you, we spent all of the time we could together, and you're right it leave a huge gaping hole when they die.

A short time after George died, I ran across a refrigerator magnet with a dragonfly on it, it said "Find Joy in each new day" and I knew it was meant for me. I bought it and put it up where I'd see it each day. At the end of each day, I'd think over the day and ponder what joy there'd been in it...sometimes it was stretching it to find something, but what this exercise did was teach me to focus and LOOK for joy. It might be a beautiful sunset or watching a kitten play or a child smile or someone opening the door for me, a driver letting me merge, a rainbow, hearing an elk bugle, a call from a friend, but it helped me recognize and appreciate the little things in life, and I think it was life changing.

I like your attitude...the road might get tough sometimes, but you're going to make it.

And you're right about the websites, this one's the best.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[Cheryl]

Hi Tammy,

I have been following your posts the last several days, seeing your picture and hearing your words, I can tell how much love you shared and how much pain you are in. I wasn't able to prepare for my husbands death because he died in an accident, but I do have a story to tell about how clear we were about our love and commitment to each other.

The night before my husband died I was picking up groceries for dinner and he called to see when I'd be home. He sounded eager to see me and told me to hurry. When I got home he was lying on the couch flipping channels. He asked me to snuggle with him. I love to snuggle so I was eager to join him on the couch. He held me close and he said, Do you know how lucky we are? I said yes, I think I do! He repeated himself, "No, do you really know how lucky we are?!" I sat up and asked him what was bringing up all these thoughts. He said he had been talking to his mom and she was filling him in on his brothers and sisters lives. They were struggling in there marraiges,and with finances ect... It made him stop to notice how much he loved me, how happy we were to spend time together. How great our kids are. He sat and talked about all our blessings. He pointed to a plaque above our kitchen sink. WE MAY NOT HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER, BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL. He said, "Cheryl I'm a lucky man, I have everything I want in life." He explained that he had a crappy day at work and a problem client that was making his life miserable, that he was feeling sorry for himself. Now he was just grateful that the important things, his family, our marraige were so good.

After he went to bed that night I made two notes. The first note said, WE MAY NOT HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER BUT TOGETHER WE HAVE IT ALL and the second note said TODAY IS GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY! I put a note in each of his shoes and placed them by the front door. The next day he woke me as he was leaving to work and said he had found the notes. He crawled back in bed with me, held me and told me what a great wife I was and how much he loved me. He thanked me for caring so much about him and always being there for him on those bad days. I was only half awake but we kissed and I told him how much I loved him too. Mark died that afternoon in a motorcycle accident. But we were very so lucky that there was nothing left unsaid.

He was such a great man. I was the lucky one to have him in my life for twenty years.

Cheryl

[Perkins808]

Thank you for sharing that Cheryl - I want to share with you what I wrote for the minister to read at Jeff's service.....

I struggled on how to write this, on where to begin. Jeff was such an important person to everyone……how do you sum that up in words, and not drag things out like he hated people to do??

When Jeff was diagnosed with cancer 9 months ago it was like the carpet was pulled out from under us. You can not imagine anything more devastating than to find out that the person who meant the most to you in the world would be taken from you. We shared tears, grief, sadness……and then found a quiet determination to make the most, the very best out of whatever time he had left. We promised each other that we would not grieve while he was still here, we would live life to the fullest, with no regrets and no words unsaid.

We got married, Jeff concerned at first that it wasn’t a good time. We had been engaged for a year and wanted to wait until the time was right. I looked him in the eye and asked him “Why are we waiting??” His response was that he knew how hard this path would be and did not want me to have to deal with it. I reminded him that I was going nowhere, that I would always be by his side, through good times and bad. I shared with him my favorite quote for the first time “I would rather have a few moments of extraordinary then a lifetime of nothing special.” And everyday we had together he showed me how extraordinary life could be. We laughed every day, never missed an opportunity to say I love you…..and most important, always made sure the other knew how much they were appreciated.

Few people would probably understand how someone diagnosed with stage 4 cancer would ever say that Life Is Good, but Jeff found reasons to say it every day. Whether it was listening to our four girls laughing together, whether it was enjoying a ride in the jeep with the top down (usually finding dirt roads to do a couple of spin outs on) or finding an ice cream place that had soft serve ice cream with the chocolate dip syrup he loved. He always found pleasure in the simple things, always told me that it was the small things in life that were important to him. Sitting out in the backyard one day with the girls laughing and shouting in the background I asked him if there was anything he had always wanted to do, were there any special places he’d like to see……and he grabbed my hand and looked at the girls and told me that he had everything he would ever need already. He touched my heart everyday and we lived a lifetime in what seems like a short period of time.

Since the cancer treatments had been going so much better than we ever anticipated, we thought everything he had gone through in the last 9 months had given him years to live. We honestly thought he had a lot more time left, we still had so much living to do!! God had another plan for Jeff - and he was taken so quickly that it left us all stunned. Never would we have imagined that cardiac arrest would take him away from us. As I was doing cpr, trying to bring him back.....I kept screaming and begging for Jeff not to leave me. I know he fought with everything he had, but he was gone. I couldn't bring him back, the paramedics couldn't bring him back, there was nothing anyone could do. It slowly began to sink in that Jeff was gone. My dear sweet man had died in my arms.

So I am left with this task - how did Jeff want to be remembered?? I know he would not want to be remembered by how he died, but ultimately by how he lived. So many people that I have spoken to in the last few days have said the same things – they will always remember Jeff’s smile, his laughter. He had a unique sense of humor that often left me and the girls scratching our heads……a story that will probably make people laugh: we had gone camping with the girls at Normandy Farms where they have a pool. Jeff decided that he would wait to change out of his bathing suit until we got back to the camper. After going into the camper to change he quickly came out wearing a t-shirt and a towel wrapped around his waist and announced that he had lost his underwear. After we stopped laughing we went for a walk back to the pool……and in the road in front of the lodge was a maintenance man with a stick, picking Jeff’s underwear up off the ground. Without hesitating Jeff let out a loud whistle and yelled out “Hey, those are mine!” much to our horror. The look on the maintenance guys face was priceless…..and the giggles of a few boys riding by on bikes was just too much. We were doubled over laughing so hard that our stomachs hurt.

Thinking back on every conversation that Jeff and I have had since his diagnosis, there is one recurring theme. Be thankful. Be grateful. Remember all the good times, the laughter and keep living. Thank you Jeff for everything you were to all of us, the extraordinary husband, the incredible father, the caring son, brother, uncle…..but most of all, the friend that you were to so many people. When the grief is overwhelming, remember his smile and his positive spirit……that was his legacy, and it will live on in all of us forever.

[MartyT]

Wonderful, Tammy ~ Thank you so much for sharing that with us. What a beautiful picture of a very special man . . . ♥

[kayc]

“I would rather have a few moments of extraordinary then a lifetime of nothing special.”

That was how I felt with George too.

[Korina]

Tammy:

You said that you have found this site to be much more positive than other sites, but I have to say that you have already added many beautiful and positive words to this forum.

There are many stories and 'Scottisms' that make me smile and laugh - he had such a great sense of humor. The Scottism that comes to mind is that whenever someone would call and ask what was going on, he would say, "I'm not wearing any pants!" But everything sounded much funnier coming out of his mouth (I am terrible at telling jokes...).

Korina