New To This

[nirac]

Hi everyone,

I sit here and read everyones post and see how it helps some of u to express ur feelings on here so I thought I would give it a try. I recently lost my fiancee in May. It's been four months and I still have not properly dealt with my grief. He not only left behind myself but also two children ages 11 & 14. I have taken guardianship of them due to the fact that their mother is not stable enough to care for them. Life is so much harder than I thought it would be. Am I way in over my head here? I am only 29 and second guessing my every move. I miss him so much and don't know how to get thru this. I get up and take care of the kids and thats it, I am not sure how to take care of myself.

[Billw]

Hi nirac, I am very sorry to hear about your loss. This is not a place that I wanted to end up but I am sure glad it is here. I am 47 and still second guessing every move I make right now, you are not alone. I have found a lot of kindness, understanding, peace, and comfort here. I lost my wife in April and was completely devastated, I stumbled on to this site and found myself being comforted and cared for by strangers who have become very dear to me, even though I have never met one of these people face to face, I feel as if I have known them for years. We share a common bond, we have all had to face some horrible things but we do it together. I like the fact that I am welcome to share or to just sit in and read from time to time. Please keep posting, it helps to express our feelings and talk about what is going on daily, people here truly "get it". The experience,strength, and hope on this forum is unbelievable. I am sorry you ended up here but I welcome you and hope you find peace and comfort here as I have. God bless.....BW

[Perkins808]

I think anyone going through this is "in over their heads". I think it is a wonderful thing that you have two children to focus on right now.....just to have a reason to get out of bed in the morning is a great thing. I also think that those children are lucky that you stepped up for them - this is not an easy for kids to deal with, but together you will work through it.

You say you are not sure how to take care of yourself - start off by being kind to yourself. Know that there is no "wrong" way to do this, so there is no need to second guess yourself.

You are doing the best you can with the hand you've been dealt!

[Cheryl]

I have children with similar ages, 17 and 13. Teens often get lost in the grief process because they don't show a lot of emotion. They just want to be NORMAL and don't want to appear different from their friends.

Please be patient with yourself and take each day by the moment. Your grief is going to change and evolve in ways that will blind side you. It is a journey that will test you but make you resilient. I think you will find that most of those around you don't understand and sometimes they do the wrong things.

My children are involved in a grief support group for kids. It has made a huge impact on there ability to cope. Kids need structure, hugs and patience. I think you might find that the kids will give you a reason to persevere.

I am trying to choose my words wisely. Please know that you are not alone, even though you feel you are alone. Ask questions and be patient. Big hugs Cheryl

[Lindakay]

Hi everyone,

I sit here and read everyones post and see how it helps some of u to express ur feelings on here so I thought I would give it a try. I recently lost my fiancee in May. It's been four months and I still have not properly dealt with my grief. He not only left behind myself but also two children ages 11 & 14. I have taken guardianship of them due to the fact that their mother is not stable enough to care for them. Life is so much harder than I thought it would be. Am I way in over my head here? I am only 29 and second guessing my every move. I miss him so much and don't know how to get thru this. I get up and take care of the kids and thats it, I am not sure how to take care of myself.

He lost his life but you saved the kid's lives. I have an unstable ex sister in law. When my brother remarried with an 18 mo old. We begged him to allow his new wife to adopt his daughter. She did. If something happened to him...she would have been lost in such danger. You saved them. Make them your family and involve them in your future life if you meet someone in the future. Get counselling for them and be open at how much all of you miss him.Don't go through life solo. It isn't a sacrifice he would have wanted for you or them. Just involve them when you do. Lindakay

[Lindakay]

Bill, try writing a grief journal and print it in a folder. Reread it a year later. You'll cry your eyes out but realize you aren't there a year later. You won't be over it by any means. Been 2 1/2 years for me. Talk to her about what you feel that given day. Title the pages. One I titled Look "Forward but Not Too Far/Look Back but Not Too Long".

It helps share some feelings and was something mentioned in a writing about grief. Kind of like this group but private too. Lindakay

[nirac]

Thank u to everyone who replied.It helps to hear from others going thru the same dreadful experience. I have the children in counceling,they seem to be doing a lot better than me. It is difficult for me to express my feeling verbally to anyone. Just yesterday I had a friend mad at me because I am a bad friend. I haven't spoken to her in a while just because I don't or really can't talk to anyone nor do I want to at this moment. I tried to explain that to her, that it wasn't her it was me. I am sick of people making me feel guilty because I can not be the person I was before he died! People have no idea what a constant battle it is every single day,I feel the pain crippling me,it physically hurts sometimes. I hide my pain from the kids, they need to have as normal of a life as possable and I feel I am doing that for them, but I do need to deal with this because I don't want it to boil up and come to a blow one day.

[Cheryl]

Please talk to the counselor about how to show your emotions in front of the kids. Ours told us that it was very important for the kids to see me grieving or they would think that it wasn't okay to grieve. She said the worst thing I could do was pretend life was normal when it wasn't. Although the kids still probably wouldn't show me there pain, later in life when they are ready to grieve they will have had someone to model their behavior after. The only true way to heal from the loss is to let the pain out. There are many healthy ways. My kids have seen me journal, listen to music, meditate, cry, sob, plead, and throw myself into projects. They have seen me at my weakest and seen me gather strength. They understand now that it is a long process.

My daughter found me cryig the other day and I told her that sometimes I just don't think I can keep going on like this, working so hard at everything but still feeling so sad and miserable. She sat and stroked my leg and sad, Mom remember how far you've come, remember how bad it was. Do you remember how you cried all the time and now look at you. You can go to work, you cook great meals, you went on a great vacation with us. You are doing so much better. I know it will get better still. I didn't even know they had seen progress!

You are so kind and loving to take care of those kids. I wish you all the best!

[MartyT]

Excellent advice, Cheryl ~ and your daughter sounds like a peach. I cannot help but wonder if you have something to do with that ♥

[kayc]

Nirac,

Welcome here...it helps to take a day at a time. You are very young to take on so much but maybe taking care of the kids will give you the focus you need to see this through. Good luck to you, please keep coming here, you're not alone.

Kay

[sunstreet]

Dear Nirac,

I am so sorry for your loss. You say you are not sure how to take care of yourself. Just one step at a time. Speaks volumes about you to take care of the children, thank you. Welcome here, it is safe. May your experience here be as joyous as mine.

Blessings,

Carol Ann

[nirac]

Thank u Cheryl, The thing is I do talk to the kids about grieving and tell them its ok to cry,feel sad and miss him, also to be mad if they want. We talk about their dad all the time and remember things,although it kills me I do it because I know it is healthy for them to think of him and remember,I am afraid to completley lose it in front of them especially my stepdaughter. I fear I will make them upset when they don't need to be. I want to thank everyone because comeing on here has helped me already, as I said before it is very hard for me to verbalize my feelings,it is easier for me to put them down on "paper". my sister suggested today that I send emails or text messages to his phone that it may help me, has anyone done this and has it helped?

[Perkins808]

I should have had Jeff's phone cancelled when he died, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Now I am glad I didn't because there are times during the day at work, or when I am out somewhere that I really want to communicate with him....and I do pick up my cell phone and send him a text message.

I also talk to him when I am in my car driving home from work in the afternoon. Although when he was alive I would see him at home shortly after getting out of work, I used to call and talk to him on the ride home.....just couldn't wait the few minutes it would take to see him, just needed to hear his voice and tell him about my day and hear about his. So I continue that - it was hard at first because I so wanted to hear a response, but it has gotten easier. I tell him about my day, I tell him how I'm feeling and I tell him how much I love and miss him!

[nirac]

I do the same thing, I talk to Charlie in the car all the time,people prob think I a crazy... its also really hard around my lunch break,he always called me around the same time everyday,its difficult not to have that. as well as when he would pick me up from work, this just sucks! I am havn such a bad moment right now,thinking about him and all the little things he used to do to make me laugh, I am just so sad

[Korina]

Our daughter was 4.5 months old when Scott died, and she has truly given me a purpose in life. It is certainly different than having older children as you do, but I believe the purpose is the same.

As for your friends who make you feel guilty for not being the same person you were before your fiancee died, well, that just makes me mad. While everyone grieves on their own timetable, 4 months is just a blink of time (though it probably sometimes feels like forever). I am so glad you are finding comfort here, as I have for the past year. Writing down my thoughts with those that understand is wonderful therapy.

Korina

[Dar W]

I talk to Paul every day, I tell him good morning and good night, We would call each other several times a day, we would call each just to tell each other that we would be home in a few minutes. I honk three time when I left for work each morning(That was my way to tell him one more time that I Love You). I still honking each morning just tell him I Love You. I know he can hear me. I was waiting to call him at 10:00 a.m. the morning he die, but I got the phone call at 9:53 am that he was gone. I miss hearing him, and feeling his touch. It's ok to talk to him. Any time or any place. we can't forget or stop love them because they are gone.