First Night Alone

[melina]

This is the first night I'm spending all alone in the house since my husband died. Our youngest son is visiting one of his brothers in the city. I went to a friend's house for dinner - and it went surprisingly well. But coming home to an empty house gave me a panicky feeling. I guess I'll have to get used to it. This will be my life when my son goes off to college. I've been alone at night before, and have never felt afraid, but then I knew my husband would be coming back. I miss him like crazy. Some of you have kids at home - but those of you who don't, how do you tackle being alone at night? I do have the dog, but it's not quite enough.

Melina

[Lindakay]

Melina, I had 6 people offer me to stay with them in the neighborhood the night he died. I had my dogs and my thoughts. I thanked them and stayed alone. I made three calls and more the next day. I stayed awake till 2 am shampooing dog hair off carpets. I had known my family would get there from Tampa to NC the next day. I didn't call my 5 siblings at all that night. Or his sister that night. I called a close friend who knew it may happen and my boss and our closest friend who was in this town. One sister arrived the next night and his sister and hubby the day after. So I had that first night "alone". Melina, I felt comfort in that it was our place and a little bit of him was still there with me. My boss is from a family of pychic abilities. He told me two days later that Scott was still there. I felt no fear, just love.

I talked to him openly at times. John Edwards said in his book that they do hear you. I hadn't read it at that time.

Yeah, I cried too alot. Never feel bad being alone in your home. Lonely maybe but I actually like living alone now. Would not want a roommate ever. I would be open to being part of a couple again if the right one came along. It won't be Scott and I wouldn't want it to be like Scott. My dogs do keep me company.

LindaKay

[redwind30]

Melina, The first night that my husband passed away it stormed. It was not a bad storm, just a thunderstorm. I laid in bed and cried because I was so afraid. I live in Fl and have gone through hurrcanes, that did not make me that afraid. I had family membes in the house that night, but I was too ashamed to let them know how scared I was. I really think it was just the realiziaton that I was going to have to deal with so many things on my own. We have always had an alarm system and that provides some comfort. I have nightlights all over the house. I also leave the TV or radio on until I am so sleepy that I can't keep my eyes open. It has been five months for me and I still hate coming home to an empty house. I pray that you will sleep well tonight.

[sunstreet]

Dear Melina,

The firsts are the most difficult, at least that is how it has been for me. I know well, the fear that you are experiencing. How I got through my first several months was as soon as day light left each day, I began talking to Melissa into a tape recorder. I did not try to make sense, I just said whatever came to mind. It helped me to feel as if somehow she was still with me. The other thing I did was to get one of those magic bags and heat it up each night and hold it next to my chest. The only friends that Melissa and I had, were not able to be there for me at all and other than them I had no-one in my life. What I can share with you is that it did become easier for me and I hope that this will be for you as well.

Blessings, Carol Ann

[nats]

Melina,

My wife joined the Lord on a Sunday morning how fitting...(her favorite day of the week) after she left I left the hospital then went to Mass with her best friend Shea, I then came home to my empty house with only my two dogs, her friend went home...I spent the rest of the days and nights alone in fact I did not even have anyone stay until my oldest son arrived from Ohio for her service, I spoke to family and some friends in the next few days but no one was with me, I got thru it with my faith in God, my dogs, some Xanax and alot of crying, I missed 2 days of work had a few come and go as you will days at work then returned to my schedule within 5 days, all while being alone except for the days my son was here, I have another son who lives local within 10 minutes who came by once or twice when it was really bad but left soon as he did not know what to say or do he's only 23....I did have two people who kept in contact daily my best friend of many years and my new best friend Brenda(friend of the family) who had lost her husband and whom I have developed a relationship with....now at nights I stay busy, I have a routine and schedule of things I do each night(laundry,vacuming,dishes, etc.) plus I spend alot of time online reading various subjects and visit here often....my typical week is this....

Mon. (chores,& dinner with Brenda my house),

Tue. (chores & dinner her house),

Wed, & Thur. (clean and do chores),

Fri. (out for dinner somewhere),

Sat. and Sun. I work 1pm-11pm so I come home and may get to bed by 2-3 Mon. and Tue. are my days off, I work Wed-Sun. about 50 hours each week...Oh and in between I grieve still, somedays are still really rough it's only been 8 months....people think because Brenda and I are seeing each other we don't grieve, we do, just in a differant way now as we both have someone who relates...we will never get over our spouses that we both already know....having my dogs are also a big help at night alone as they keep me company and I give them plenty of attention....Oh I also am never alone because of my faith and contact with God, that is a very important ritual I never miss daily giving thanks, and praying....I also have frequent spiritual encounters with Ruth.....hope that helps you some even if it's just a small amount....take care and my God guide on this journey none of us wanted to take.....

NATS

[melina]

.Oh I also am never alone because of my faith and contact with God, that is a very important ritual I never miss daily giving thanks, and praying....I also have frequent spiritual encounters with Ruth.....hope that helps you some even if it's just a small amount....take care and my God guide on this journey none of us wanted to take.....

NATS

[nats]

Melina,

You ask... "What possible reason could there be for taking a good man away from this earth - one who cared about people and the environment, was a popular teacher at our local junior high school, a loving father and husband? There are thousands of really bad people in the world - any one of them deserved to die. But why him, why us?".....because God needs people like your husband and my wife to be angels, bad people do not get to heaven and get to be angels..... I know your mad at God I was also for about 5 minutes, until I understood and remembered the Love my wife had for God she was such a testament of faith and courage that keeps me going.....I also discovered in those 5 minutes I need God daily to continue this new journey without God I would really and truely be alone....I now approach life with a more positive, caring, helpful, and loving approach... I miss Ruth so bad inside at times I feel my heart has been ripped from my body, but I truely believe in the fact that as I go on each day now being and doing the good things as well as also being a good person I will be chosen by God someday to be an angel, then I'll join her that day in the Kingdom Of God forever...

NATS

[kayc]

Melina,

I have been alone much of my adult life, whether married or not because of living apart during week due to work constraints or differing work schedules. However, I found, like you, that it's a different thing when you KNOW they're going to be home on the weekend...than it is when you know there's no end in sight. I never minded being alone some before, but now, it's the constant aloneness, knowing everything is on my shoulders, no one to talk over things with, no one supportive, no one that cares, etc. That's quite a different thing. We all know that having our older children living with us doesn't provide a lot of companionship...they're off with their friends/school/jobs/interests, but even so, just their popping in and out or seeing them once in a while, means a lot. My son is back in school (two hours away) now and not planning to live back at home again as he's looking to buy his own place. So that means that even though I've been living alone for quite a few years, I now feel REALLY alone as I know the possibility of him being home for a summer is gone.

It helps me tremendously to have my dog, they are just great companionship. My dog is a particular joy to come home to as he smiles all the time, is playful and fun and interactive, he is right there wherever I am. It makes me WANT to come home. Without him, I don't know what I'd do. He gives me incentive to get through the day.

Lately I have been cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, it keeps me busy and gives me less time to think. I grieved the loss of my husband George, then the loss of John, then the loss of my fiance Jim, and it seems I'm always grieving someone, and somehow I have to get through this. I don't know the answer to finding a "new normal" because mine keeps changing, but I know I need to find it. Part of my quandary is not having enough time to establish the life for myself I would like. I would like more girlfriends in my life, but lack the time to pursue that...I spend the preponderance of my time working/commuting, and taking care of my home. I'm not sure how to get off that cycle. It seems every time I make a friend, they move...I have a girlfriend moving this coming month as a matter of fact.

I can make friends with men but they always seem to tell you one thing and do another or have ulterior motives, it makes it too complicated and I'm tired of dealing with it. Women always seem to be busy.

I signed up for a Bible Study and I attend church, but beyond that, I don't have much time. So it seems to me, I have to get used to being alone and somehow reach the point where I like it. I don't. I don't mind part of the time, but all of the time...it gets old. I do think it's easier for those who live in the city to balance their lives with other people. I love nature so I love where I live, I just didn't know I'd have to go it alone.

[kayc]

Oh I also am never alone because of my faith and contact with God

I remember hearing about a child who retorted to this once, "But I want God with clothes on!" That's how I feel sometimes. I know God is there, but I want God with clothes on.

[nirac]

Melina,

This past weekend for me was the first night alone as well. The kids both had sleepovers,and tho they both have had them before, I always had another family member spend the night with me. But for whatever reason no one did this time. I came home to an empty lonely sad house. It was horrible. I made it thru the night tho, It was hard but I did it. adn now maybe the next time wont be so hard.For u as well. U made it thru that first night alone and will do so again.

[Marion Claire]

My husband passed away at 3:30 in the morning. I had spent (most of family had also!) about 1 1/2 weeks in the hospital 24 hours every day. I would run home to shower and change clothes and get right back up there. When he was gone, I told all my family I wanted to go home and I wanted to go alone. One daughter followed me to make sure I got home and in the house and then left. Lots of people could not understand this, but I needed this time with no one else around. I am always alone except for my cat every evening and usually on Sunday. Have family drop by other times usually. I still enjoy my alone time here with my thoughts and memories. I can cry, scream, do whatever I need to do at the time and no one will be upset or worried. They are all grieving really bad all our family. We do talk but still I am content alone some of the time.. Cat just crawls up and kisses me if I am too upset. It helps too.

[Susie Q]

I'm also alone at night. Missing him dreadfully but absolutely not looking for others to be here. I'm out a lot to fill in the time and while I hate the coming home alone part it's still my preference.

Before he died, if he was away I would react to every strange noise, be afraid and worry. Now, I figure the worst that could possibly happen to me, has already happened. So, I have no problems being here in this big home by myself...Suzie Q

[melina]

That's true - the worst has happened. I worry for my kids, but I'm not so worried about my own safety. I think I'm just scared to feel the pain of yearning and loneliness. That's far worse than anything else that could happen to me.

Melina

[redwind30]

Melina, I feel the same way. The worse has already happened. The lonliness and emptiness I feel is horrible. My husband has been gone only five months and I understand the pain and anger that you feel. I really related to one of your earlier posts; I don't know why God took my husband. He was a wonderful man who loved God with all of his heart. He always put my needs and the needs of others ahead of his own needs. People tell me "God has a reason". I ask "what could possibly be the reason" and I just get blank stares. I think people sometimes think they just have to say something; and really don't know how to respond to others who are grieving. During the past five months I have learned there is a huge difference between losing a spouse and losing a spouse who was a soul-mate. Like myself you lost a spouse who was also a soul-mate.

I am sorry for your pain. I wish I could tell you how to make it go away; but I don't have any answers.

Take Care of yourself