New Here, Need Help

[karebare725]

Hi, I am new here. My 33yr old husband passed away 5 days ago. It was unexpected. He had an injury 2 weeks ago but was on the mend, and recovering. And then BAM his heart stopped. I am so heartbroken. We have a 2yr old daughter, and were trying for more. I feel angry and upset, and almost disbelief. Deep down I know he wont come back, but I still find that hard to believe. We had our whole lives ahead of us. My daughter is almost 3. Ive been honest with her and told her he wont come back because he died, he is in heaven with God. She says okay, and found him a star in the sky. But she hasnt asked to see him or anything. Is that normal?

Ive accepted that he's gone. But I am afraid to be alone. I cant even sleep in our room. Ive tried but it feels so empty and the warmth and love is gone from the room. I have so much guilt like I should have done more. And I want to talk with him and make sure he isn't angry with me for not doing enough.

I am looking for support groups with similar situations, but havent found any.

Also having trouble with final arrangements. I just want to honor him. We never had this discussion.

[Perkins808]

Hi Karebare,

I am so sorry for your loss. You may not find anyone here who matches your exact circumstances - but you will certainly find people who have gone through the trauma of losing the person they loved most in the world. I am relatively new here myself - my husband died just 3 months ago. He was battling cancer, had just received some great news that he had responded to his treatments and we were looking forward to many more years together. Then he sat up in bed one night while we were watching a movie and went into cardiac arrest. I did cpr, the paramedics shocked him.....but he was gone. In the blink of an eye, my husband of only 9 months was gone....he was only 45 years old.

I found this support group on one of my very worst nights. I was searching for some hope that I was not going to feel this overwhelming pain forever, and I was looking for a group that was not going to make me feel worse than I already felt. This one was just what I was looking for.

I have posted several times and was amazed that a) there are so many people out there going through exactly what I am, and b ) there are so many wonderful people here willing to offer their gentle words of advice.

You will have many ups and downs as you work through this most overwhelming time in your life. Come on here and ask questions, vent the bad stuff, or share any positives that you may experience along the way. I think that is an important one to grasp onto - make sure you look for ANY positive things that may happen throughout your day.......so you don't get swallowed up by the negative ones.

I wish you all the best and I wish you peace in this difficult journey.

Hugs,

Tammy

[Perkins808]

Also - as far as the arrangements go. Follow your heart - you probably know him better than anyone else and the answers will come to you. For my husbands wake I refused to have him in a suit - he looked amazing in a suit, he had just worn one to a wedding we had gone to the weekend before. The man that we all knew and loved was more himself in a bright red Red Sox t-shirt.....and ironically when we went to buy the shirt, we found one that had Dad and the #1 on the back. No one else would see the back of it, but it meant the world to me and the 4 girls. That is who my husband was and I knew in my heart that he would be happy with that decision. You will figure it out I'm sure!

And my last bit of advice - try not to second guess yourself. You are doing the best you can and that is all you can do. It is overwhelming.....but just take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if you need to!

[Kat2005]

Karebare,

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I lost my husband of 25 years on June 23, 2009. I, like you needed people that were going through what I was going through. This sight is wonderful. Everyone on this site, no matter where they are on this journey are here to offer words of support. There is always someone here to listen.

I agree with everything Tammy has said. We all have seconded guessed ourselves. Remember to take care of yourself and take one day at time. We are here for you.

Keeping you in my prayers,

Kat

[Chrissie]

Karebare,

Welcome to our group, even though it is not a group anyone wanted to join. I am very sorry for your loss. We all know what a difficult time this is for you. I lost my husband almost 9 months ago and I still find it hard to believe. I know this is easier said than done but you need to try to eat and rest whenever you can. The journey is not easy but somehow you make it day to day. Many suggested to me that I keep a journal and just write about my day, what I'm feeling. It has really helped me out, maybe that is something you might consider doing. As for the arrangements, I agree with Tammy, follow your heart. There is no timeline to grieving so allow yourself all the time you need. Days will get easier. Hugs to you and your daughter.

Chris

[abergsma]

So sorry for your loss karebare.

I lost my husband unexpectedly also, 1 month ago. He somehow caught an infection and because he was on several Rheumatoid Arthitis medications his resistance was compromised. He couldn't fight like you or I. It affected his blood (sepsis) them his liver then kidneys. This all happened in 1 week and I still can't believe it..

I tried to find a local group with no luck so looked on the web and found this amazing site.

You are able to vent, ask advice even comment on someone else's concern. You are able to do this any time day or night whenever you need to. Everyone has been wonderful. I have had a difficult time sleeping so go on this site in the middle of the night or early mornings sometimes.

I also agree with Tammy do whatever you feel is right for you and never second guess yourself.

Hugs

Allana

[nats]

Karebare,

I feel your grief and sadness, my wife Ruth joined God on Feb 14th this year, it's all about us now, we have to come first and we must find a comfort zone, it is very tiring so get plenty of rest when you can, as hard as it seems you will have to eat as well, I'm confident when I say each and everyone of our loved ones would not want us to just give up and they would be sad if we did, so with that being said just take it at your own pace, doing only what gives you comfort, try and find something positive such as remembering the good times and the love you shared, and most of all cry, I can not stress enough to cry and don't hold back, God gives us this ability to cry so we may heal....I will say a prayer for you as well as all of us tonight as I always do praying we may all find some comfort in the days ahead and to allow us to continue our lives with some happiness just knowing we had the time with our loved ones that we did....and I myself am so Thankful for my time with Ruth, now my Angel....

God Bless

NATS

[rain]

Karebare, I am so very sorry for your loss! I lost my husband, also unexpectedly, 11 weeks ago today. My guess is that you are still in shock after only 5 days ~ I was for several weeks ~ although you probably don't even realize it right now. I know I didn't. But second-guessing, disbelief and guilt are a huge part of the burden we bear, and we all experience it. Even as I write this, I still can't believe my husband is gone. Just know that you are not alone.

One thing is certain; so many decisions must be made so quickly for the final arrangements that you'll have little time to think things through as completely and rationally as you'd like. My advice is to go with your instincts in how best to honor him: what would he have wanted, what did he believe; what did he like and, last but not least, what will bring you the most comfort? This is about your life together, as well as his as an individual. Pick songs, pick flowers, poems and venues that will bring you some measure of peace. Assemble friends and family who will help you to celebrate his life, and even make you smile as they recount familiar and unfamiliar stories to share. I dearly hope you have someone close to help you with all this. Your loved ones are invaluable and eager to help. Use them. You need them more now than ever before.

Your daughter is so young, and too young to understand the practical meaning of death. She has found her daddy in the star, and that is her level of understanding for now. I think it's perfectly normal.

Be good to yourself in these coming days. Accept the love that surrounds you. Peace to you, Karebare

[kayc]

Karebare,

I am so sorry you lost your husband so prematurely. I felt I did too even though I'm older because it took me most of my life to find him and we had just been married a few years and he was taken from me.

Kids sometimes accept things matter of factly because they don't have comprehension of time and reality especially if they're under five. You might talk to a grief counselor about it. Maybe have her draw pictures for daddy, etc. so she can get her feelings out too.

Your husband wouldn't be angry with you for doing your best, that's all any of us can do. Ask yourself if roles were reversed, would you be angry with him? No! You'd be sorry he was facing life without you and you'd miss him...well, that's how he must be feeling.

Maybe try and incorporate him into your daughter's life, hang a special ornament on the tree for daddy, etc.

I spent 17 hours making a large collage after George died, his life before me, and after me...it was very therapeutic.

Please keep coming here and voicing yourself, there are other young people who've lost their partner as well.

[Korina]

I lost my husband last June unexpectedly - he was 41 and our daughter was 4.5 months old at the time. It breaks my heart that they will not get the chance to really be Daddy and his little girl. But I do as Kay has indicated: I have pictures of Scott and she knows who Daddy is - sometimes she will go and give the pictures a kiss. I have to find ways for her to know her father as she gets older.

As far as being a widowed mom of a young child, it was initially almost unbearable to see families together, and I felt jealousy. I suspect this is quite normal. On the flip side, Kailyn has given me a reason to survive and to get up each morning - and she has been such therapy to Scott's Mom and sister. I thank Scott in my heart all the time for her.

It took a long time for me to be able to sleep in our room, again, but I am now very comfortable there. And I know intimately the recriminations. I feel I didn't ask the doctors enough questions, I second guess myself for many things (Scott was an alcoholic, and I had left him for 5 weeks and then had an intervention - he was in treatment when he caught an infection, went to the hospital and subsequently died), mostly for not doing something about his disease (alcoholism) earlier. I always feel that if the roles had been reversed, he would have been on the doctors day and night about my condition (that is just the kind of guy he was), whereas I feel I didn't ask enough questions - in fact, I really didn't even consider his health was as bad as it was, but was more worried that he complete his in-patient treatment for addiction.

I am very choked that it was when he was facing the disease and doing something about it that God saw fit to take him from us. It just sucks and I mourn for all those missed moments we would have had, but there is nothing I can do about it now, and I promised him (while he was on life support) that I would take care of Kailyn; that is what I am going to do.

Give yourself a break through the next weeks and month, as they are going to be very tough. It will be very up and down, and your feelings will be all over the place. But if you are like me, having your child to focus on will help you (most days ). And don't be afraid to ask friends and family to help out, at least those you know you can depend on.

I found this site to be so very helpful - I hope you keep coming back. You can post anytime and someone will be there!

Korina

[karebare725]

Thank you for all your kind words and support. We had his memorial yesterday and it was a bit more of a closure. Afterward we had a celebration of life in our house. Weve been there for just under a year, and he always wanted a big party there, and we never got the chance until it was too late. He would have had so much fun. I am still in disbelief, but going through the motions. I know its real.

My daughter slept with his pictures last night. I was so touched. Her best friend and their parents are close to our family. And she gets so sad and disheartened when she sees her friend with her dad, and she walks away to stare out the window. I know she knows something is not right. It really hurts her.

[MZM]

Hi Karebare

Really sorry for your loss.....as it still is early, you're going to feel alot of strange things. Its 3 months since my zubeir passed away tragically in a car accident and theres so many emotions that you will go through...

I felt alot of guilt - guilt for having been the last to speak to him at 4:30am and not having maybe said something differently that couldve perhaps changed the outcome (which i know would not have been the case). He met in the accident at 5:10am. I wished I stayed on the phone longer, or said something different...

Now, i have alot of anger.

Then theres days when i sob constantly coz Im just missing him. For 3.5 years we were best friends, we were a couple that people would envy, so in love and so happy, talking throughout the day, texting, emailing....

I too have been sleeping in the living room...its too hard to do some things...

I wish you the best in your journey. Know that we are all here and that you are not alone... Be strong and know its all partof the healing process

Lots of love

M