Remembering Michael

[Queeniemary]

This week, on Thursday, January 13, Michael will be gone a year. I am taking the week off from work, just to be still, and remember, and try not to fall apart. I have changed the profile picture this week to a picture of the Michael I fell in love with in the mid 80s, to honor his memory, which will always be with me. "Love you Michael, you will always be in my heart"

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Good for you, Mary, to take the time to be present for this event. I will be facing that on March 27 (1st anniversary) and your choice inspires me also. I know all of us will be with you in spirit as you ponder, recollect, remember the good times, cry and cry some more. These are the hardest times of our lives for sure. MFH (Mary)

[west]

My year anniversary is coming in March. Someone has said that the second year is worse, I cannot imagine. May you have a week filled with wonderful memories of Michael, and may you be able to deal with his loss with the hope that his strength and his love will be felt by you. I will be thinking about you and saying a prayer.

[kayc]

The first year is the worst in that we endure all of the "firsts without", the intense pain, the shock, the myriads of adjustments. But the second is worse in that reality has set in and we are not numbed by shock and time wears on...with the aloneness. It seems to take to somewhere in the third year for it to begin to subside and get better, and to reach the place of acceptance...which, by the way, does not equate with liking it, but rather acknowledging that it has happened and this is our altered life that we are left with. Please do not be afraid of the second year, it is nothing to fear, it is merely a continuation of this journey on the path to becoming more at peace with ourselves and our new lives of discovery and lessons learned. Eventually, in this journey, we learn things that become a blessing in themselves...that we are capable, that we are amazingly more resilient than we'd every thought possible, that we are survivors...not mere shadows of our former selves, but we have an inner strength that we were previously unaware of until we had to tap into it. We develop compassion and a broader sensitivity and appreciation for what is. We no longer take things for granted. We are not our former selves, but we are new people. And perhaps one of the greatest discoveries we make along the way of this journey is the knowledge that we carry them deep inside of us and are never alone but we can reach down inside of us for their comfort and encouragement and love any time we want or need to. And that is the gift the furtherance of this journey has brought to me.

[Chrissie]

Mary,

Just want you to know I will be thinking of you this week and I wish you many beautiful and loving memories of Michael.

[Queeniemary]

Today is the last day I can ever say, "One year ago, Michael and I were....." He died sometime after 12:47am on January 13, 2010. The only reason we know he was alive at 12:47am is that his last post on FB was at that time. The deputy coroner, a cousin of mine, who came to the house after my daughter found Michael at about 3:30pm in the afternoon of the 13th, said that he had been gone for many hours.

I was in the hospital in Fayetteville, 1 1/2 hours away, having had knee surgery on the 11th. He and I spoke twice on the phone a year ago today. The first call was after he got home from ordering new glasses, and was to tell me how expensive they were. The second call was after our annual Theatre Company (community theater) meeting to tell me what had transpired, and that I had been re-elected treasurer. That call was about 7:30 to 8pm. I told him I would call him after the doctor came in the next morning. I never spoke to him again. After the doctor came in the next morning, and told me I could go home the next day, I tried to call him, no answer. I called all morning and into the afternoon, no answer. I knew something was wrong, but thought he had gone to bed without his phone in the room. He was scheduled to go back to work that evening at 6pm. He worked the 6-6 night shift at the jail as a jailer, and it would have been his first night back after several nights off. I was worried that maybe he was sick, or had fallen and because of his bad back could not get up...so I called my daughter and ask her to check on him after she picked up her girls from school.

I waited until I knew she would have gotten there, and then called his cell phone. My daughter answered. She had to tell me over the phone that he was gone. She could not say the word "dead", she just kept telling me he was gone. I finally said, "Sandy, are you trying to tell me Mike is dead?", and she said yes, Mom. I hate it so much that I sent her to the house to check on Michael. If I had known, I would have called the sheriff, Mike's boss, but I never dreamed this had happened. So much of the rest of that day and the next day is a blur to me. I called one of my sisters, to have her call the others. The hospital called my friend Vive, and she and another friend raced to the house to be with my daughter and her husband. (my daughter had called her husband as soon as she found Mike and he got there before the ambulance)I called distantly located close friends, but I cannot remember yet the order of calls. The sheriff called me during those first few hours, and others, but I don't remember much. The staff of the hospital was so very good to me, someone was with me all the time until my daughter and her husband got there later that evening. My surgeon's nurse came and stayed with me also, after their office closed for the day. My friend Dana who had lost her husband just 9 months before at age 48 was flying into Fayetteville that evening from a business trip. When she got off the plane she had a lot of calls on her phone. She called her son, as he was one of the calls, and he could not tell her, he said, Call Vive, and Vive told her about Mike. She came immediately to the hospital, just after my daughter and husband got there. When she left, she told me she would start on the obit for me, so something would be ready for me to look at when I got home the next day. My daughter and her husband brought me home the next day. We were met at the funeral home by close friends, and made the arrangements. Another good friend worked at the funeral home, and he took care of us. When we came on to the house, several close friends were here, cleaning house, and fixing food. These were all my theater friends, and what would I have done without them, and my family.

I found out months later that the sheriff and the jail administrator brought Mike's crew (he was the sergeant on his shift) into the office as they arrived that evening, and waiting until all were there, told them about Mike. Penny, one of the best ones on Mike's shift, told me that the sheriff and jail administrator both cried as they gave the news. They had arranged for another shift to come in and work for Mike's crew. However, Penny said, no, we are working tonight for Bishop, and they did.

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face, but I think I need that, to cry and remember.

Don't know why I feel I had to go into all this today, I guess I just needed to get it out. I have been feeling numb this week. I plan to stay up tonight, I want to be awake during the time that he probably died. I am going to be sitting right here at the table where he sat, on my computer, as he was, and wish with all my heart that he will pay me a visit. I just want to see him one more time. I never saw him again after he left my hospital room on the 11th. Although he was not creamated until after I got home from Fayetteville, my good friend at the funeral home would not let me see him....he said it had been too long, and that I should not remember Michael that way. I just wish I had been at home when he died, so that he would not have had to lay there so long, alone, with the dogs surrounding him. So that I could have told him goodby.

Thanks for letting me ramble, just needed to get this out. Miss him so much.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[MartyT]

You have survived one of the most challenging years of your life, Mary. As you well know, it has been (and will continue to be) an endless and difficult journey, but you have come a very long way.

As the intensity of your pain lessens with the passing of time, I hope you'll continue to look to your wonderful memories of your dear husband to bring you comfort. You can also look forward to new opportunities and experiences, recognizing that going on with your life does not lessen in any way the love you have for your beloved Michael. Always remember that death may end a life, but it does not end a relationship, and the relationship you have with Michael will remain with you as long as you keep his memory alive in your heart, until the very end of time. ♥

[Dimcl]

I just wish I had been at home when he died, so that he would not have had to lay there so long, alone, with the dogs surrounding him. So that I could have told him goodby.

Mary, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your comment about Michael dying alone hit a chord with me, as that's one of my huge regrets with my Glenn's death. He was in hospital, but he died alone, and I can't get that out of my mind.

I have a long way to go before reaching the 1st anniversary of Glenn's death, so I can't imagine what you're going through. All's I can say is that I hope that Michael does give you the sign you're looking for. Hugs.

Di

[Chrissie]

Mary, I'm glad you were able to share Michel's story with us. I will be thinking of you and keep you in my prayers. I hope your day is filled with loving memories of Michael & of the love you two will always share.

Chris

[melina]

The one year mark must be difficult, Mary. Hope you can feel our good thoughts and draw strength from us.

Melina

[LostmyHoney]

Tears streaming...Im right there with ya! Thank you for sharing that, I hope it helped you to get it out.

Rachel

[Billw]

Thinking of you Mary, thanks for all of your strength and hope. god bless.....BW

[Lainey]

"Death may end a life, but it does not end a relationship".

That statement says it all, we will never lose the love we carry for our loved ones.

I'm very sorry that you are having a hard time accepting that you weren't with Michael his last moments.

Lainey

[sunstreet]

Thank you for sharing so much with us. I am so sorry. Tears streaming down my face. I have been holding you close in gentle thought and prayer. Ramble away as much and as often as you need....we are here.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Queeniemary]

My friends

Thank you all for the words of encouragement and support. This first anniversary of Mike's death was amazingly peaceful.

I did stay up very late until it was well past the time that we knew for sure he was still alive last year. I noticed my daughter on FB well after midnight, when I asked her why she was up so late, she said "probably the same reason you are up". She and I went out to lunch on Thursday, the day was hard for her also. Then in the afternoon I talked for two hours on the phone with my best friend in Arizona. I watched a few DVD's that I have with Michael in performance on them. I cried a little, but the whole day was rather peaceful. I think the good thoughts and prayers from this group, and from my family and theatre friends helped very much. I did not get the visit I had hoped for, but I think the peaceful feeling was somehow from him also.

Had our little support group (Tom, Dana and myself) meeting here last night, and it was a really good evening. We are planning a trip next summer on the Buffalo River, and are going to scatter some of Mike's ashes and Ann's ashes, and some of the dirt from over Morris's grave in the river. I think it will be a good thing to do. We are going to encourage any of our close friends and family members that want to come to join us.

Well, I am now thinking, a year has passed, what do I do now. Am finding I really don't know the answer. I will always miss him and think of him, can I move forward. I don't know. Guess only time will tell. It may be that it is time to do some serious thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life, rather than just float along, which is what I have done for the past year. I do believe that I am doing all right, however, at least today.

I cannot tell you all how much I appreciate the thoughts, prayers and support.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Dimcl]

I'm so glad that your day was peaceful, Mary. I know that I'm terrified of all those "firsts" yet facing me and to know that the first anniversary of Michael's death was peaceful is encouraging.

Hugs.

Di

[Queeniemary]

My friends,

I have not posted much this past month, although I read the posts every day. Guess I am afraid I will jinx the peace I have felt for the past month.

Tomorrow will be 13 months since Michael died. I said in a previous post that I felt amazingly peaceful on the anniversary of Michael's death, and that peace is still going on. I still feel very sad at times, and still talk to him, and there are times that I will glance over at one of his pictures, and get that gut wrenching feeling that almost takes my breath away. Most of the time, however, I feel a great peace. I don't know how to explain it, but somehow I know that although life will never be the same as it would have been if Michael had lived, I will still have a life, and I will enjoy it.

I have worried about this, afraid that it meant I was forgetting him. I don't think that is the case however, as he is in my mind every day, and in my heart. Reading other posts, I know that the roller coster ride could take a dip, and this peace that is happening could crash, but for the moment I am going to enjoy it, and hope that it lasts.

Please understand that I still have times that I cannot stop the tears, and times that I still cannot believe that he is gone, but then a sort of calm happens, and while I still miss him so much, there is an acceptance to my life now. I am older than many of you on this site, I am 65, but even at that age, I know that I can possibly still have many years on this earth. I want them to be happy years, and I am going to work at making them happy. I cannot turn back the clock, I cannot bring Michael back, so all I can really do is remember him, and the life we had, and try to move forward.

My rambling is not making much sense, I guess I just wanted you all to know how I am feeling. Valentine's Day is Monday, and that is my daughter's 13th wedding anniversary. So regardless of how much I will miss Michael on Valentine's Day, it is a very special day for my daughter and her husband. Wishing all of you good memories of your loves on Valentine's Day, regreting we don't have them here, and wishing happiness for those who still have their loves with them.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[melina]

Mary,

Your last post gives me hope at a time when I really need it. I hope to be feeling peace and calm at 13 months and I hope you continue to feel this way - in spite of your loss. I'm halfway there and struggling a lot, so your words are very comforting to me. Lovely photo of Michael, by the way.

Thank you...

Melina

[sunstreet]

Dear Mary,

It is so good to hear from you and I am so happy that you are continuing to feel peace. Your rambling is making perfect sense!

You are an inspiration! Me, where I am is I feel that peace, but also alongside this sorrow. Not gut wrenching pain, but a gentle constant sorrow. In time that will be reconciled as well. I trust that healing continues to happen.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Queeniemary]

Melina, I struggled also, for many months, and I am still not sure what has given me such peace, perhaps it is Michael. Knowing in my heart that while he is not here, he still exists, I think perhaps he has helped me to be calm and peaceful. He was a very gentle man, and would not want me to be miserable. Thanks for the compliment on his picture....it was my absolute favorite, the Michael I fell in love with. He was, in my familys eyes, the "bad boy", not really, but he was different. (I have always had a thing for the bad boys, lol) However, they came to love him also. Long hair, big beard and earring when we met, later years had to be much more conservative, working at sheriff's department...attaching picture of his last work pic, so you can see the difference. When you compare the pics they look like different men, but same man, just 25 years apart, same wonderful man.

Carol Ann, you are the inspiration, and I have been following your car saga....have you tried out any more yet? I am driving Mike's 99 Buick Park Avenue, got a lot of miles on it, but still runs good...probably drive it until it conks out on me. It sure has gotten me around in 10 inch snow this week, a lot for our area!!

Just finished weekend before last, our theater company's production of "Titanic, Tragedy and Trial", very moving docu drama. I had a couple of small parts in it, was great fun being on stage again, been a long time.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[sunstreet]

Dear Mary,

Oh gosh thank you for sharing another picture of Michael. I can just see how you describe him. I tear up thinking on how happy I am that you experienced such a life and love with Michael. We all did, we all experienced love, we gave it, and we received it, we were all so blessed.

Mary, I have not checked out any more convertibles yet. I think the process of letting my bike go and transitioning to a convertible will not be a quick process. Now that I have driven a convertible, I do feel a thirst to do it again, so this is good. IN any event, this past week has been a tough one for me but also one rich with healing and movement forward. The first task is to find the right buyer for my bike and then to actually get payment and let the bike go. Admittedly, part of my hestitation to sell now, is that it is not exactly biking weather yet, and in a month or so, it will be and I would be able to get more for my bike at that time. It is horrible I have to think on that, but my financial life is dismal for all kinds of reasons and I need to get as much as I can for my bike so I'll be able to afford a convertible.

Good for you Mary to get on the stage again and I am delighted that you expereinced some great fun.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[mfh]

Dear Mary,

Your post is uplifting and I can see the feelings you expressed slowly taking shape within my being and spirit...a ways to go for sure but the "downs" don't last as long. I too cry a lot, almost every day, but find myself able to pull out of it more quickly and get on with the day. Bill is always in the back of my mind. I am 70 years old and know as much as one can know that I probably have many years ahead and my goal is to reach out to others as much as possible...every day. Thanks for sharing. I am approaching the one year mark in late March. Mary

[Queeniemary]

Yes, Carol Ann, we were very blessed, and had something that many people go through life without experiencing. You are wise to wait a little until "bike" weather to sell the bike, you will probably realize more from the sale at that time.

It was great getting back on stage, I do more directing now than acting, but it was fun. My friend Tom and I played Ida and Isadore Straus, owners of Macy's Department store who were two of many that did not survive the Titanic disaster. It was fun being on stage with Tom. Our friend Dana directed the docu-drama. The three of us put a memorial in the program to our three spouses who are gone....each of them lost just a few months apart.

I understand about financial difficulties, Mike and I always seemed to live paycheck to paycheck. It makes me feel pretty uneasy now to be relatively secure in that area. We both had life insurance on the other for this very purpose, so the one left behind could pay off house, etc., but it is so hard to know I am financially secure because he is gone.....would rather have struggled financially the rest of my life with him here with me!!

Not sure if this is appropriate or not, here on this forum, but I am going to put two pictures on bottom of this post, one of me in costume as Ida Straus, and one of me in real life, so you all can see what wonders stage makeup and a wig can accomplish!! I love the Ida picture!!!

Mary, I am glad to hear that you are starting to feel some of the peace and calm. As I said, every day is not good, but there are many more good than bad anymore. I know what you mean about Bill always being in your mind. Michael is always there in mine, and there are times that I will still be thinking of something, and in my mind think, I will ask Mike, he will know, and then it hits me that I cannot do that anymore. Of course, I still talk to him, and I do feel sometimes, when answers come to me unexpectedly, that he is helping me. He was the one with the good memory, and I was always forgetting something, and then asking him about it! Take movies for example, he remembered every movie he ever saw, titles, who were in them, etc. When a movie would come on TV, I would look at him and say..."Have I seen this?", and he would know whether or not I had! lol. Of course after starting to watch something, then it would click, and I would remember, but I miss his remembering for me. Will be thinking of you as you approach the one year mark.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[sunstreet]

Dear Mary,

As I said...you are an inspiration.....and I love both the pictures! Thank you for sharing.

((((HUGS))))

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Chrissie]

Mary,

I had to laugh when I read about you asking Michael if you'd seen a movie, because I did the same thing with Tim. I used to fall asleep alot when we were watching a movie, so he'd usually say "Yes Hon, I think you probably saw the title" lol He also was the "bad boy" type when I met him but to me he was just a Teddy Bear. I know my girls thought I lost my mind, but as they found out, he was a great dad and grandpa. Tim also went on to public service, we both were EMT's and firefighters on our volunteer fire department. Such fond memories.

I too have felt peace and hope for the future. I just turned 61 and know that Tim would want me to be happy. My plans are to retire in Jan 2012 and move to California to be with my girls, grandkids and sisters. I want to watch our grandkids grow up for both of us. I miss him terribly and always will but I am able to smile when I think of him and remember all the love and good times we shared. We met later in life and I was blessed to have the 20 years we had. I still have tears and know that there will still be ups & downs, but I now know I can work through them. Hugs to all of you!!

Chris