Is It Wrong Or Just Weird....

[Mrs. B]

Hi all, It will be 2 years in March that Rick has been gone. Seems like just yesterday i was writing to you about my loss and pain. I am doing ok. Still have my moments. I just wanted to ask everyone what they think about my answering machine message. My sisters think it is time for me to change it and i dont want to. Changing it means that it is the last of him here.It just says our names and to leave a message. I also have his coat and boots and hats right where he left them. I can not move them. I have gone on but those are the only things beside his pictures i have to feel him here. I know they think im weird for taking out coffee and a drink to him, He loved cesars. sometimes i leave the newspaper. He loved his paper to. For Christmas i took out the farmers almanac because that is what i got him every christmas. My daughter say what ever you want to do mom if it makes you feel better but my sister say i should stop. What do you all think. Mrs.B.

[Maryo]

Hi Mrs. B,

Nice to hear from you.

I think you have to do what feels right to you and I don't think anyone should judge what is best for you but you. I am sure they are trying to help in their own way.I changed things up at home when I was ready.

I am glad you have the loving support of your daughter. I also am blessed to have a daughter. I don't know where I would be today without her. It has been 2 and a half years since my husband died.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[LostmyHoney]

I think that what ever is right for you is what you should do. As for being wierd...well if you are I am too. I often set a beer out for my Honey when I have one, he so loved his beer. Ill even fix a small plate of food for him sometimes, especially when Im having pizza. I really should have cooked for him, I think he left me feeling as though I would starve without pizza delivery.

Take care.

Rachel

[Guest Nicholas]

I agree, do whatever you feel like, whatever gives you most comfort and don't worry about feeling "weird" or if others consider you "weird", that is their problem. I intend making very few changes or throwing out very little since my son (hopefully) passed into his next life last month. His dirty shoes are still where they were and will remain there.

Nicholas

[Steven]

Mrs. B., I think you'll find the consensus here is that your sister should stop. Of course you don't need anyone to tell you that she's only trying to help, but just doesn't know how to do that effectively in this instance.

My father isn't good at helping with this sort of thing either--his idea of help is along the lines of "you have to move on", "it's time", "you can't dwell...", etc. He really does want to help, but doesn't get that he makes things worse. I had told him several times that I understood he was trying to help, but that this wasn't his area of expertise. Finally, after he had started up again with the same old routine, I told him it would be best if he left the house if he was going to continue doing what I had told him was counterproductive.

He left, and while he still visits several times a week, he apparently rethought his stance--he has never tried that failed method again. Tough love? Yes, but you know it ain't easy raising parents.

I don't know if being emphatic is something that would work with your sister, or if someone has tried another more gentle approach they can share, but I hope that if having your sister(s) repeat that they think you should do something you're not ready to do is hurting you, that you will find a way to get them to understand this and stop doing it. ~ Steve

[sunstreet]

Dear Mrs. B,

I encourage you to tell your sister to "stop that" You are more than capable of knowing what is best for you! It has been over 7 years for me and I still have a voicemail from my love. I don't ever intend on erasing it. I wear my love's PJ's to bed every single night. You are the "captain" of your own ship and you get to make all the choices and decisions that feel right and best for you. I keep renewing my love's magazine subscriptions every year. We had a message board on our fridge, my love's handwriting is on it, it is still on my fridge, and I have no intention of getting rid of it!

I do not think you weird at all! I encourage you to "trust" your own voice and self and do what feels "right" for you.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[kayc]

Tell your sister to mind her own business! Okay, I know, you have to be more tactful than that (damn!) but you could say something like "I appreciate your concern Mrs. Buttinsky (or whatever her name is), but I have to do what is best for me. If and when the time comes for YOU to lose your husband, I will try to respect your decisions just as you have mine."

For her information, many single people use a man's name in conjunction with their own for SAFETY reasons! My mom STILL has her phone listed under my dad's name and he's been dead for nearly 29 years!

If you derive any comfort out of having his name still linked with your answering machine, leave it as it is, it's no one else's business. Gosh I feel angry when I hear of stuff like this! People who just don't get it shouldn't assume the air of authority and think they know it all for the rest of us, grrr!!!

Love ya,

Kay

[MartyT]

Mrs. B, your sister's concerns may stem from the outdated (but still widely held) belief that successful grief resolution requires the "letting go" of your attachment to your deceased husband (by your getting rid of anything Rick ever owned), "moving on" with your life, gradually "recovering" from your loss and returning to "normal" behavior.

It may help your sister to know that the traditional views on grief and mourning have changed significantly in recent years. Many mourners report that they derive great comfort from maintaining an active connection with their deceased loved ones (by keeping their possessions as "linking objects," talking to them, dreaming about them, sensing their presence or feeling watched over and protected by them, for example). As clinicians, grief scholars and researchers have worked with, studied and better come to understand the normal grief process, contemporary grief theorists have put forth an entirely new model of grief for the 21st century -- one that (among other things) encourages and supports sustaining continuing bonds with the deceased. Today it is considered normal and healthy to foster these continuing bonds, as survivors decide how their loved ones will be remembered, memorialized and included in their family and community life.

The bond you have with your beloved Rick will continue and endure throughout your lifetime, Mrs. B, depending on how you take your memories and your past with you into the future. How you choose to do that is for you, and you alone, to decide.

Here are some articles that you may find helpful -- and ones you may want to give your sister to read:

No 'Should's' in Grieving a Spouse's Death

Overcoming the Message that You Should 'Hurry Up' Your Grief

and here is a recent thread on a similar topic: Putting Loved One's Things Away

[Queeniemary]

Mrs. B, I have missed you. I think whatever feels right is what each of us should do. The first anniversary of Mike's death was this past Thursday. I kept the answering machine message on for a long time after Mike's death, he had recorded it. Finally after a few months, I took a tape recorder and recorded his message to save, and then put another message on. The fact that Mike's voice was on the machine was a little disconcerting to some people. I have Mike's "Polk Salad Annie" hat hanging from the corner of his portrait, that a friend of our painted after his death. I still have the shirt he wore the day he took me to the hospital in Fayetteville hanging on a hook in the bedroom. Still have many of his special hats on a hat rack in the bedroom also. Pictures of him are all over, and his Arizona Red Rock urn sits right below his portrait. I don't obsess over these things, they just give me comfort, and is no ones business but mine. Just as what you decide to do is only your business. Hugs and thoughts coming your way.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Mrs. B]

I just want to thank everyone for their replies and Marty for the articles to read. It was good to hear from others that have the same thoughts. Hugs.... Mrs.B

[Susie Q]

Mrs B

Whatever feels right is right.

I've come to trust my judgement on these things but as time moves on (16 months - not long in one sense but it still feels like a lifetime) I find that I have the need to tell others much less about the things I do to stay connected to him.

I know it probably shouldn't be necessary, but because they are all trying to be helpful, I share with those I know who will understand and tell the others only what they need to know. Keeping important relationships together has been a high priority for me since this nightmare started because I know how fragile, edgy, emotional and cranky I have become. And also, I accept that they just don't understand - like I didn't understand before it happened to me.

If it feels right to tell your sister - then do it. If you have doubts about the outcome, then ignore her.

Recently I'm starting to feel like he is here with me in everything I do, as opposed to the earlier times when all I could feel was his absence. I'm thinking that the brain must start to accespt the status quo as the 'expected' after a little while which must leave room for other more gentle and happy thoughts to get through.

So now, when the silly comments come, I share my frustration with him - and then I probably smile because I know exactly what he would have said. Is that crazy? - I don't care - it gets me through another tough time and that's what I need to do, for me. ...Susie Q