Tonight Its Just Too Hard

[LarrysGirl]

I hate to post here for fear of discouraging others. I lost my Larry several years ago, shared my grief journey, my pain, my "whys" many many times over on this site. I've tried to hold up, tried to do what I had to do, care for the home, our dogs, bills, etc. all the while without him. I don't know how to begin a life, still in this much pain. The problem is the life I wanted was taken off this earth in one moment and nothing has ever been the same. I've lost myself along the way, lost my joy. I've tried to push through this because I don't know how else to do it. Surrendering, accepting but it doesn't make a difference. It seems so ironic that in your deepest pain and weakness you have to be the strongest or the world will just leave you behind. I'm sorry, I'm not a good example of how to grieve. I felt like I was able to help others on this site a few years ago but now I hesitate to share anymore. Many that were here when I came, have now come and gone. Its just one of those times when I don't have enough strength to act strong. Deborah

[kayc]

Oh Deborah, my heart goes out to you, I wish I was there to put my arms around you and hug you. Please don't ever hold back or hesitate sharing. I needed to know I am not alone. It doesn't matter how many years out we are, it continues...I don't say that to discourage any of the newer ones, we do get better at coping, but the missing them...well it just continues. So does the having a difficulty with finding purpose or reason to go on or what is there to life anymore? Gosh, I've been going through it...maybe it's all the snow I alone have to shovel...maybe it's because my job is very precarious right now, maybe it's my financial struggles, maybe it's because I am just so alone all the time, but lately it's been very hard. My dog is the only thing that keeps me going. The kids, they have their own lives, haven't seen them since Christmas. It IS hard, Deborah. I'm sorry, I'm not much comfort am I? There's times I wonder why God didn't just take me too at the same time, why am I here having to go through all this? It seems like nothing I've done since George died has turned out right...I lost the job I loved a few months after he died, and this other one, it's not turning out...then I went and married John, what a disaster that was, it ruined me financially and broke my heart, then I got engaged to Jim, I really thought he was the one I'd spend my life with, and he broke my heart...I feel I shouldn't have tried, all it did was hurt me and I feel like a fool. I feel like I'm the prime example of how NOT to handle anything! Look at me and do the opposite, maybe you'll fare better! I have a truck I can't afford to fix, and when it's Spring and time to start the lawnmower, I know it won't start (it's a riding one and very temperamental)...I don't know, do other people feel like this? Or is it just me? Am I that inept or do other women struggle in this widowhood, trying to do things on their own and it just feels like too much for them?

Anyway, I want you to know I appreciate you and we go way back, I NEED to hear from you now and then. You ARE here for us, and I'm so glad you didn't drop off this site like so many did. Gosh, I'd hate to be the only old fossil! LOL

I know it's tough without Larry, I know nothing makes up for that lack...believe me, I know how that feels.

[Dimcl]

Dear Deborah, I'll be brutally honest with you... those of us who are new at this (I'm not at 4 months yet) do find this discouraging. Having said that, I want to be prepared for all eventualities and I wouldn't be able to prepare myself psychologically if I didn't know what the possibilities are.

For example, a couple of months ago, I didn't think that the pain could get any worse than it was, but someone on this forum indicated that it had gotten worse for her and I took that bit of information and filed it away in my brain. And she was right - it has gotten much worse for me, but I kind of knew to expect that if it happened.

I'm so sorry that you're still struggling so much, but please don't be discouraged from posting. We're all different and I may or may not experience the same things as you, but your experience helps me to process all the information overload that I'm going through.

Hugs.

Di

[Guest Joe1937]

Please except the best wishes from one who just lost his woman and lover last month. Yes, I am a newcomer, I just signed on and this is my first post. I am here because I want to talk about her. I want others to know how wonderful she was and what she meant to me. The last thing I want is to forget her.

Please, don't apologize but tell me about him and why you miss him so much and I will tell you about my Barbara, and why I miss her so.

Joe

[Kat2005]

Deborah, I am so glad I read your post. I was actually having a difficult time dealing with what I have been feeling. It was 20 months yesterday and I don't feel like I am doing all that good at times. I read how some are getting on with their lives and I feel like I am stuck in limbo. I don't feel like I am moving along like I should be. Don't get me wrong, there are good days but there is not a day that passes that I do not long for the life we had. I truly feel blessed for what we did have but I am having a hard time seeing any type of future. I am also scared of what my life will be in years to come. I "don't" want to be alone for the rest of my life but I "don't" see how I can be with anyone else. Does that make any sense? I have one son that is in Med School and he has been there for me ever since his dad died. Deep down I know he has his life to live and I don't want him to feel obligated to be there for me all the time.

I hardly ever post because I don't feel like I should be giving any advice when I don't know how to help myself. I would like to thank everyone here for there support and advice. I truly feel blessed to have found this sight.

Kat

[sunstreet]

Dear Deborah,

I am sorry for your pain. I want to encourage you to let go of "worry" about discouraging others here. We are all here to support one and other and there is no "rule" or "set time" that one must be feeling better. The timeline will be different for all of us because we are all "different" with different sets of "life experiences" that factor in to how we navigate through loss.

I encourage you to let go of "judging" yourself by apologizing for not being a "good" example of how to grieve. There is no "good" or "bad" there just "is". You have a right to your "own" path in navigating loss.

I applaud you for finding the courage to voice your feelings here with us. You helped me, to know I was not the only one that went through this "part" of the path. I have moved beyond where you are now and I want to encourage you that you will too, and it does not matter how much "time" that takes.

The loss of our soulmate in life is a "devistating" loss. It effects us cognitively, financially, emotionally, physically, medically, spirtually and most likely some other ways that I have forgot right now. Our whole world in an instant changed forever! This is going to take "time" how much in my opinion is a non-issue to re-build our life in a different way.

I thank you for your courage, your honesty, and the gift you have given others by voicing your truth, so that they might be able to voice and feel their truth. You are not alone in the amount of time it takes.

I offer you a (((( Hug ))))

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[mfh]

I like this quote from Henri Nouwen (popular author of many books) who wrote a (this is an excerpt) letter to his father 6 months after his mother died. I find 11 months into this that I have better days and the pain has changed as the reality becomes even more real.

"Real grief is not healed by time. It is false to think that the passing of time will slowly make us forget her and take away our pain. I really want to console you in this letter, but not by suggesting that time will take away your pain, and that in one, two, three, or more years you will not miss her so much anymore. I would not only be telling a lie, I would be diminishing the importance of mother's life, underestimating the depth of your grief, and mistakenly relativizing the power of the love that has bound mother and you together for forty-seven years. If time does anything, it deepens our grief. The longer we live, the more fully we become aware of who she was for us, and the more intimately we experience what her love meant for us. Real, deep love is, as you know, very unobtrusive, seemingly easy and obvious, and so present that we take it for granted. Therefore, it is often only in retrospect--or better, in memory--that we fully realize its power and depth. Yes, indeed, love often makes itself visible in pain. The pain we are now experiencing shows us how deep, full, intimate, and all-pervasive her love was."

Henri Nouwen from A Letter of Consolation

I believe grief is different for everyone. Many heal in 6 months and many do not. No judgments should be made. Just be where you are. Quotes like this support those who do not heal in a brief amount of time.

[Susie Q]

You know Deborah, I agree with everything you say, except that you are not a good example of how to grieve. You are going on, struggling to make some sense of this nightmare and trying to forge a life that is meaningful from the pain and despair you feel. To me, that's a wonderful role model.

Last week, it was 18 months since I lost the one who made my life happy and fulfilling. His life ended with no warning - a cerebral haemmorrhage. Every minute of every day, I long for him and that life back, but it isn't going to happen and like you, I struggle to find any purpose or joy. I have tons of support and for their sake I try to look and act like things are getting better but only those here on this site would know the real situation.

What makes me keep going is the thought that I can't expect to 'get over this loss' easily. Why would I, or you, when every part of our life that we loved can now bring us so much pain? There's no where to go for respite and I have no real interest in starting new things.

Like the others that have replied, I want you to keep posting. I need to know that you and others have kept going on in the face of this long term test of your spirit and endurance. I'm happy that others can find new paths or friendships that bring them love and comfort but I also need to know that if that isn't for me, then I can still survive. Sharing that you are not feeling strong - but doing it anyway - gives me strength to also keep trying.

I hope that you continue to draw some comfort from being here - I know I do...Susie Q

[mfh]

Well said, Susie Q. This quote is an exerpt from Henri Nouwen's (author) A Letter of Consolation. He wrote this to his Dad six months after his mother died. I think it speaks well to those of us who KNOW we will always grieve the loss of the love of our lives...be it as much as we grieve now or less or more....everyone is different. "Real grief is not healed by time. It is false to think that the passing of time will slowly make us forget her and take away our pain. I really want to console you in this letter, but not by suggesting that time will take away your pain, and that in one, two, three, or more years you will not miss her so much anymore. I would not only be telling a lie, I would be diminishing the importance of mother's life, underestimating the depth of your grief, and mistakenly relativizing the power of the love that has bound mother and you together for forty-seven years. If time does anything, it deepens our grief. The longer we live, the more fully we become aware of who she was for us, and the more intimately we experience what her love meant for us. Real, deep love is, as you know, very unobtrusive, seemingly easy and obvious, and so present that we take it for granted. Therefore, it is often only in retrospect--or better, in memory--that we fully realize its power and depth. Yes, indeed, love often makes itself visible in pain. The pain we are now experiencing shows us how deep, full, intimate, and all-pervasive her love was."

[Maryo]

Hi Deborah,

I read your post and felt I had to reply. I do know how you feel. It has been 2 years and 7 months for me since my husband died. I thought I was doing well but the last few months have been hard again. I feel like I am on a swing up and down. I felt a lot better after the second year then I do now. But I will not give up.

I will keep looking for happier and more peaceful days. We have all come so far and I am so thankful to have this site to come to.

Bye for now.

Mary Lou

[LarrysGirl]

Thanks to everyone for their support and understanding. I know its not an easy thing hear, that there are some of us, that the grief may appear prolonged. Its not that everyone will have this experience, its just the way my grief has been. I've always been honest with my posting, even since I found this site. I felt like there had to have been someone else who struggled the way I was and maybe my experience would help someone. I hope I will find my way someday. Deborah

[Dimcl]

Please except the best wishes from one who just lost his woman and lover last month. Yes, I am a newcomer, I just signed on and this is my first post. I am here because I want to talk about her. I want others to know how wonderful she was and what she meant to me. The last thing I want is to forget her.

Please, don't apologize but tell me about him and why you miss him so much and I will tell you about my Barbara, and why I miss her so.

Joe

I am so sorry for your loss, Joe, but you've come to the right place to try and gain some consolation from people in the same boat as you.

Please do talk about your Barbara with us. Being able to talk about our loved ones is one of the things that becomes sorely missed as time goes on. It's a truism that people think we should "just move on" and although talking about our loves is very therapeutic, people "on the outside" just don't seem to understand that. I lost my darling Glenn about 3 1/2 months ago and am now finding that people don't want to hear about my life "before", as though my life for the previous 34 years should just be forgotten.

I haven't yet really told this forum much about my Glenn, but am almost ready to do so, now that nobody else wants to listen. At least I'm consoled by the fact that everyone here is so kind and supportive.

Please tell us about yourself and Barbara. Hugs.

Di

[Guest Joe1937]

Thank you Di. Barbara was a wonderful women whom I met in 1976. We had both been divorced, her for 4 years and myself for a few months. She actually chased me for 3 years before I gave in to her and once I did she gave me 35 years of devotion. In 2002 she developed breast cancer and then Alzheimers. I cared for her from then up until January when she passed away. People called me her rock for taking care of her, but in truth she was the rudder that guided me through life, and I miss her so.

Joe

[Dimcl]

Your Barbara sounds like a woman after my own heart, Joe! I will admit to having to "pursue" my Glenn for a few months. He was divorced in 1974 and was gun shy when we met in 1975. Then, for a while, I played hard to get and he did the pursuing. A further complicating factor was that he was 22 years older than me. We were married in 1980 and neither of us ever regretted one single moment.

I'm so sorry that Barbara was not well in her last years, Joe. My Glenn was never sick a day in all the years we were together until he started losing some weight in 2009. When he started developing other symptoms and went to the doctor, asking for a colonoscopy, he was refused because "the system" recommended every five years and he'd had one four years previously. By August last year, they were falling all over themselves to do the colonoscopy, but by then it was too late. He had bowel surgery on 26 October (his 79th birthday)but the tumour had grown far too large to remove, so we knew it was terminal. But five days later, Glenn died of atrial fibrillation. We were talking about getting him home only the night before. I was awakened at 2:00 in the morning by the phone, only to be told he had died. He'd never had a heart problem in his life, but had lost too much weight and his heart just failed him.

I know that I should be thankful that he didn't die from the cancer and I know that I should be thankful that he had been healthy all his life, but I find it difficult to be thankful about anything these days. He was my rock and because of family issues, and the fact that we didn't have children, it was Glenn and I as a tight team of two all those years and I feel like I've lost my heart.

I'd say I understand your pain and grief, Joe, except that it's such an individual thing for all of us. All's I can say is that when you've had the very best as I did (and I suspect you would say the same of your Barbara), there seems no point to anything anymore. All's we can do is put one foot in front of the other and thank God that our loved ones aren't the ones going through this. I am just so grateful that Glenn went before me, because although he was a strong man, I'm not sure he could have handled this. He would have because he'd have to, but I'm just so grateful that he didn't have to bear this pain. I'd have died for that man if it would have helped, so I guess what I'm going through now is that sacrifice.

Please come back again, Joe, and keep on talking. It really is the only medicine I've found that helps at all. Oh, with one exception - I write letters to Glenn and find that extremely helpful. I have nobody to talk to about all the things that interested us and so, I still tell him about those things. A one-sided conversation, perhaps, but it makes me feel as close to him as anything does.

Hugs.

Di

[Guest Joe1937]

There seem to be some similarities between our stories. Glen was older than you and Barbara was 6 years older than me. She celebrated her 79th birthday in mid November of 2010, a few weeks after Glen had his. Barbara pursued me and you oursued Glenn.

One major difference would be marraige. At one time I bought a ring and presented it to her along with my proposal. She thanked me, hugged me, and kissed me, but she never answered me. I never pushed for an answer. We had both had that piece of paper before and yet here we were together. The paper did not help our former relationships and we had no reason to believe it would help us now.

Another similarity would be writing. You write letters to Glenn, while I have chosen the form of a short story to document my relationship with Barbara. The idea came to me when her youngest son asked for stories about his mom. He had left home for the West Coast at 18 or 19 years old and even though he knew me at the time he knew little about what my relationship with his mother was like. By putting words on paper I have learned that what I miss most about Barbara is our early years. That struck me as strange because those first 3 years were a period when we hurt each other through carelessness and indifference. But those years also carried a lot of mystery and passion.

Barbara died at home. As bad as her other health problems were, a chest x-ray revealed a tumor in her lungs. The x-ray itself was tough to get. Her daughter had to hold Barbara to the screen to prevent her from walking away. I held her health care proxy and decided that I would not put her through another round of surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. It was the toughest decision I made in my life.

Barbara's final week is difficult for me to relive. I got sick and called my youngest daughter to help me, but I also called her daughter because Barbara had taken a turn for the worse. For that week our daughters cared for her. They even slept with her least she wake up alone in the middle of the night. When the end came I was alone with her holding her hand.

Di thank you for your story, but I think I better run along now, I have something in my eye.

Joe

[sunstreet]

Dear Joe,

I am so sorry for your loss. You have found a wonderully safe site and wonderfully safe people. I am so sorry for the reason you came searching but I want to welcome you.

I literally, don't know how I would have made it without all the support and understanding I receive from all here.

Thank you for sharing and I will hold you in gentle thought and prayer.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Rochel]

Good Evening Di,

Please tell us about your Glenn....My husband of 37 years marriage died 17 mos ago and my daughter and friends will let me talk about him...you need to tell all of us how wonderful your Glenn was for 34 years...Did he make your coffee in the morning...kiss you goodnight...I find an empty kingsize bed is still so hard...I have changed my house quite a bit but still need to let the bedroom set go...I had a flood in my livingroom and that is when I let his favorite chair go...I do not think there is a set time that we will all stop screaming silently or aloud...I go to the Lord when I can't see above ground...especially when I'm deep in the pit...Another gal here said that she doesn't feel like starting anything new...well, neither do I...In fact, I got off this forum because I thought I would get better and would quit spinning in my wheels...Now, it is healing for me to read once again all the posts of lovely spouses who lost their Sweethearts....Was Glenn's eyes blue or brown...tell us about his smile....Common Di let us hear from your heart...we are all here for the same reason...Bless you...Rochel

[afwah54]

I hate to post here for fear of discouraging others. I lost my Larry several years ago, shared my grief journey, my pain, my "whys" many many times over on this site. I've tried to hold up, tried to do what I had to do, care for the home, our dogs, bills, etc. all the while without him. I don't know how to begin a life, still in this much pain. The problem is the life I wanted was taken off this earth in one moment and nothing has ever been the same. I've lost myself along the way, lost my joy. I've tried to push through this because I don't know how else to do it. Surrendering, accepting but it doesn't make a difference. It seems so ironic that in your deepest pain and weakness you have to be the strongest or the world will just leave you behind. I'm sorry, I'm not a good example of how to grieve. I felt like I was able to help others on this site a few years ago but now I hesitate to share anymore. Many that were here when I came, have now come and gone. Its just one of those times when I don't have enough strength to act strong. Deborah

Today would have been 38yrs of marriage for us, and it hurts deeply that my husband is not here to celebrate. It doesn't get any better, you are juz left with good days & bad days. Getting intouch with my spirituality (prayer,music) has been very helpful for me. God bless you sweetie & know that you are not alone in this grieve. Afwah...

[marsha]

Hugs, Deborah, big ((hugs)) - I feel similarly to you. There's still a part of me that's broken - and I'm not sure how to fix it, or if I can fix it. I understand, logically, the integration of grief into our lives, but sometimes it just hits me all over again. Joe's dead? How can that be? This is truly the long haul part of the process (for want of a better word). Uh oh, I feel a WTF?? coming up....love and hugs, Marsha

[JennO]

Hi there...I remember all of you as we were freshly grieving way back when. It's been 5.5 years since I lost Jeff and although I don't read here as much as I used to, I do pop in and check in from time to time. I don't think that our loss decreases with time, we just find better ways to get through the days. I have a small child, just three weeks old when Jeff died and now 5.5 years old. IT has certainly been my distraction, my focus, and my reminder of all that was good in his dad. I, too, was engaged, pregnant, and lost both of those just two years after Jeff died. It was traumatic, almost as traumatic as Jeff's death, because it was reliving that loss all over again. I don't know if I will ever "recover" from this. I am young, I am willing, but the grief strikes me some days just as strongly as it did when it was new. We can't manage this process and its so different froor everyone. I think you, my dear, need to be patient. This isn' a problem to fix. It si a process to go through, one which you can't be the driver of. I hope you have a better tday today and more good days to come. Lots of love and hugs. Jenn

[LarrysGirl]

Jenn, I wanted to say Hi to you, its been so long. I remember when you joined here and the birth of your child. Hard to believe its been that much time. Take care of yourself and let us know how you are. Deborah

[kayc]

This isn' a problem to fix. It si a process to go through

Jenn,

Hi, sorry to hear of all you've been through...me too, my life hasn't gone as planned either.

You lost your fiance and your baby? What happened? I'm sorry, girl!

Kay

[melina]

Deborah,

I'm sorry you're in such pain after several years and I wish we could all get together somewhere for "Grief Camp", laugh and cry and hug. (I won't sing camp songs though - never any good at that). I thoroughly understand not finding joy in anything. But I hope you have small pockets of - if not joy, then "unsorrow" - during a day or a week.

When I first came here - just a day after my husband died nine months ago - I was so wracked by grief and had such intense pain and anxiety, I felt almost hysterical. I seriously wanted to die. But I have four sons who would be devastated at losing both parents in succession, so I hung on.

At that time, when I read about people who still felt miserable after a year or more, it really discouraged me. Now, despite moments of overwhelming grief - I'm getting through the day and beginning to understand that grief is not continuous "I want to die" pain - it's a little more complicated than that.

I think what I've finally discovered now is that the grief may still be there, but it changes all the time - sometimes several times a day. When it's at its worst - I come here and discuss it with this group. That does help, since I have no one else, apart from my grief counselor.

Right now I'm having to learn to do things on my own - and it's exhausting. (Kay - I agree it's incredibly frustrating to have to do everything yourself, especially when you don't really know how and lack the money to pay someone). I often feel I'm just doing things mechanically and waiting for him to come home. Maybe I'm still in disbelief that he's gone.

So maybe with the second year, that realization that he really isn't coming home will hit me full force - that I'll have to continue doing all this stuff on my own. The very thought of it seems more than exhausting. But what's the alternative? I thought if I found another husband who could take Thyge's place and "be him" - things would turn out okay. Now I know that no one can take his place. I may never find someone else I want to spend my days with. That means I may have to manage alone - like I'm doing now - the rest of my life.

How do we cope with the fact that we're alone? I talk to my husband sometimes, but he doesn't answer. So I talk to the dog. She doesn't answer either (that would be creepy), but she does come sit beside me. I have no idea how I'm going to get through the rest of my life. I suppose we have to spend more time than we'd thought finding something that will bring us joy and comfort. A reason to get up in the morning. Not sure what that is - but I'm thinking there must be some reason we're here at all.

To the new people here - I'm sorry you had to join us. But somehow we'll all get through this - some day.

Melina

[Deb625]

Hi Deborah, I'll be a year into this journey in less than a week, I don't believe that a year has almost passed as the pain in my heart says it was just yesterday... I have progressed where I can function in the everyday world, I am starting to try to get my new self together, everything is still so hard, and I just simply miss my Michael... I still cry everyday, but not as long or as hard as I did over the first 6 months... A friend said the other day, it will all be alright and I just sobbed "No it isn't alright - it hasn't been since Michael died and it won't be alright for a long time". I know I am "surviving" and it will be much longer before I figure out who I am. Loss of a spouse fundamentally changes us, we are not the same person we were when we met our loves, we are not the same person we were when we were with our love - because they are not here with us. I know I'm just plodding along trying to figure out who I am now. A widow told me the other day, it took about 5 years before she felt comfortable in her own "skin", I really hope it isn't that long - I hope to one day smile and be grateful for the time I shared with Michael, instead of crying. I just don't seem to have a lot of control here except to continue getting through each day by simply placinge one foot in front of the other and always hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. I know my Michael wouldn't want me to be sad forever... Take care, Deb

[mlg]

It's been almost 3 1/2 years since I lost Tom and like so many of you I am still taking baby steps most of the time. I don't cry all the time but still do my share. One of the biggest things is I still cannot look to the future. I just take things one day at a time. Our oldest grandson will be graduating from high school in a few weeks and I know Tom wanted to be there. He kept saying he wasn't afraid to die, he just didn't want to miss the milestones in the kids and grandkid's lives that he knew he would.

Besides this forum, I find my dog my greatest comfort because I can tell him anything and he won't judge me. I don't really believe in reincarnation but there are times that I'm not sure that he isn't Tom. He knows just when I need a kiss or a hug or just to be near me.

As many of you have already said we just have to keep on plugging along.