sunstreet Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Dear Sad, I am thinking of you and wanting to let you know. How are feeling today? I encourage you to keep feeling the fear and doing it anyhow. You are so deserving of healing. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Dear Sad, I went and lit a candle for Pauline too. I do light a tea candle every night for her. I feel she is all around me all the time. Last week I as talking to Dad, (Pauline's Father), he asked if I had someone on the other side of the table to drink coffee with. I told him NO and he said it is about time I do. After the call I felt so hurt by what he said. I am not ready for another relationship yet. I don't know if or when I will be ready. I feel your pain, I have it every day from the day Pauline Passed. Even before she passed. Because Pauline and I were so close I knew that morning at 4:00 am that this was the day. At 2:30 PM she passed. It is very hard to go on. I go on for Pauline. I have to start a new life now, and all the support I get from here helps. Just one small step at a time and some day you to will see the light coming in. I pray every day for you to give you the strength to go on. God Bless Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted May 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2011 I'm sorry guys, I just can't stand the pain and isolation today. sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted May 30, 2011 Report Share Posted May 30, 2011 Dear Sad, We all have days when the pain gets to be too much. We all have days where the isolation of our grief is just too much. There are days i am too tired and depressed to function--or even write a response--and that's ok. Sometimes the grief is like a tsunami--it just overwhelms everything else. Fairly early on someone explained to me that grief is very much like an ocean. It can be calm for days at a time, but then a storm blows up and suddenly all you can see is the next wave and the next wave, and the next wave and every wave feels like it will tear your little boat apart. Some poet--or fisherman--created a wonderful prayer along the lines of: Lord the sea is so big--and my boat is so small... Be patient. This storm will pass. You have made real progress here the last two weeks--even though you do not think so. This wave today will be hard, but you will get through it. The hardest thing is that it feels like any progress you have made is being wiped out by this new wave. That is not true. I begin to see each wave as a new layer of undried cement that I can build the next course of brick on. Each level of brick does not seem like much, but over time those slowly constructed--painfully constructed--courses create the new edifice of the new life that lies before us. So breathe--slowly--in--and out. As I say constantly to my students when they are worried or upset--Breathe. Breathing allows you to begin to take control of yourself and your life again. It is how a poet builds emotion in you when he or she writes a poem--by creating a rhythm that gives them temporary control of your breathing--and thus of the amount of oxygen reaching your brain. And the amount of oxygen going to your brain has a lot to do with how you feel. So nice, slow, steady breaths tonight. Sit up straight and just focus on your breathing. It won't make the pain and isolation go away, but it may help you deal better with those things in your head. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted May 30, 2011 Report Share Posted May 30, 2011 Dear Sad, Please accept that here you need not apologize for your feelings and your pain. It is safe here to take care of you and do what feels right. Share alot....share a little...share nothing and just read all the posts. I encourage and understand. You are not alone. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted May 31, 2011 Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 Dear Sad, Thinking of you and sending care, support and understanding. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted May 31, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 Thanks Carol Ann. sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted June 1, 2011 Report Share Posted June 1, 2011 Dear Sad, It was good to hear from you, thank you Sad. I am still here, still caring, still understanding, and will always listen. It is safe here. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 1, 2011 Report Share Posted June 1, 2011 I'm sorry guys, I just can't stand the pain and isolation today. sad Sad, Many of us feel the isolation...all the more reason to come here. Please keep posting, we're here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 1, 2011 Report Share Posted June 1, 2011 Sad I too am feeling a lot of pain today...it is a roller coaster, I guess...though no day is great by any means. Hang in there with us. mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted June 2, 2011 Report Share Posted June 2, 2011 Dear Sad, Thinking of you, caring, understanding. You are not alone. I thought this poem may speak to you. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann The Oak Tree by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr A mighty wind blew night and day It stole the oak tree's leaves away Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark Until the oak was tired and stark But still the oak tree held its ground While other trees fell all around The weary wind gave up and spoke. How can you still be standing Oak? The oak tree said, I know that you Can break each branch of mine in two Carry every leaf away Shake my limbs, and make me sway But I have roots stretched in the earth Growing stronger since my birth You'll never touch them, for you see They are the deepest part of me Until today, I wasn't sure Of just how much I could endure But now I've found, with thanks to you I'm stronger than I ever knew Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted June 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2011 Somehow feeling worse each day. Tired of playing the living game. sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl Posted June 2, 2011 Report Share Posted June 2, 2011 I remember feeling the same way. One thing that helped break the spell for a short amount of time was to force myself to take a walk around the block. I cried the whole time. Cursed and wished I could die. Prayed I would die and thought about how to die. Facing all the pain and not being able to stop the pain is exhausting and discouraging. The walk would get my endorphins going and it helped break the monotony of my crying spells. It's hard to curl up in a ball and cry in the middle of the street. Pick something to do that is diffirent from what you have been doing all day, follow through on it and I think it might help. I am so sorry that you are suffering so much and I want you to know that although I don't understand it from the same view pooint as you I do understand your pain and I hope it softens soon. cheryl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 3, 2011 Report Share Posted June 3, 2011 It feels like that right now but it'll numb a bit after a while so it's a bit more tolerable, hang in there until then. I do remember feeling the same way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted June 3, 2011 Report Share Posted June 3, 2011 Dear Sad, Thank you for talking and letting us know it feels it is getting worse each day. And also that you are tired of the living game. I have felt this exact same way to and it is so hard to be in that space. I remember I would counter my feelings of despair with "well it hurts this bad because I was loved so much and I loved so much" Somehow it helped me to think about that and helped me to make sense of my despair for there was good reason for it. I heard you and I validate how you are you feeling and want to encourage you to hang on.....keep reading the posts here....keep talking when it feels safe for you. Blessings and Courge, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 3, 2011 Report Share Posted June 3, 2011 Yes, I have felt this way also...a lot but it does get better. I did not believe people when they said it would get better. i could not imagine how but it does. The waves of sadness don't knock me totally off my feet now but I do miss him as much as ever. Keep posting, stick with us...we are a family supporting each other as we walk this path. Thanks for posting. mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksbeachbum Posted June 3, 2011 Report Share Posted June 3, 2011 Dear Sad I feel your pain and also wonder if life as I now know it is living or existing. But I do have faith and hope (some days more than other days) that I am on this earth for a reason and haven't finished my work, whatever it is. I think about not wanting to live, but it isn't our choice and we have to have faith and hope that with each day it WILL get better and eventually we will see a spec of improvement. My small goal is to see if I can get through 4 hours a day without having a crying episode. Small, but hopefully attainable. I started to work last week learning the dog grooming business part time but I can't get through 4 hours without a breakdown so I'm not sure that it will work for me right now. I am going to be kind to myself and try to take it easy and allow myself some time to cry and grieve. Eventually I think I can make my goal for 4 hours without a breakdown. Please know that we all care for you on this site and want to help you any way possible. Stay with us Sad. We are all feeling your pain. Blessings and hugs to you Becky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted June 3, 2011 Report Share Posted June 3, 2011 Dear Sad, I know the pain you feel. I understand the not wanting to go on. It is not that I ever wanted to end my life. It is I just don't want these feelings over the loss of Pauline to drag me down every day. I went to my Doctor and he puts me on medication and it helps to cope with her loss. Now I go for walks every day. It may be something you would want to look into. Just my last hospice meeting I got there early and talked to the counselor and she suggested I see my Dr. again hand have him put on another medication. She said it will help me with my depression and I would only have to take this medication for a short while. Something to think about, Keep coming here and talk or type whatever you want to. We are all here to help each other. God Bless you Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted June 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 5, 2011 I am so distraught and depressed I can't even think straight. I don't know what to do. I walk around this stupid, empty house and I want to scream my head off. I don't want to talk to anyone. They don't understand. I have never, ever, in my life felt like this. All I think about is dying and how to do it. I don't want to burn in hell and that's what I'll do if I commit suicide. I just don't believe that I can go on. I stay inside the house all the time and cry. I don't want to go out, but it's so sad in here. I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. Everyone on here has lost someone and I can't post to them and help them because I am so down and out. I'm sorry everyone. sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azbrian Posted June 5, 2011 Report Share Posted June 5, 2011 (edited) Sad, You do not need to say your sorry to us. Believe it or not Sad you are helping us. You are posting in here and letting us try and help you. I know it helps me. Thank you !! You will be doing the same for us and others some day. Do you still have the numbers Marty gave you to talk to someone or would you like me to go find them for you ? I am still down and out everyday, you are not alone. I am still learning how to deal with my down and outs so they are tolerable. Tell us something else if you like, anything that is in your mind or heart you need to yell about. Take care Edited June 5, 2011 by MartyT Link inserted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted June 5, 2011 Report Share Posted June 5, 2011 Dear Sad, I am so glad to hear from you again, thank you. I hear you Sad, and I am sorry for how distraught and depressed you are feeling. I know how this feels too as I've been there before. It is horrible, and Sad, you say you have never ever felt this way before so it makes sense that you don't know what to do. I remember screaming my head off many times. In fact, while driving yesterday, I screamed my head off for I find myself in a lot of pain all over again about my wife's suicide. I understand that you have suicidal ideation and think about how to do it. I was there before too; I made it through Sad and I have Faith in you that you will too.I have been bereaved by suicide three times, my wife, my brother, and my sister. I don't want to be bereaved by another; I care what happens to you Sad; you matter and I will pray that you continue to choose life. I encourage you to reach out to the resources that Marty let you know about, reach out here, reach out to your animals, tell them how bad it hurts, hug them and feel that life next to you to help with the utter aloneness and despair. The important thing is to reach out Sad whenever it feels safe and whenever it feels right for you. You are in complete control and you get to decide how best to help you. For some reason, perhaps a whisper from my God, perhaps a whisper from myself but I want to share a letter I wrote to my self on October 31, 2006; in the hopes it may help. And lastly Sad, you need not apologize for your your pain ever! We have all been where you are at; and could only read posts and make the odd response, and some of us can only ever read them and never make any posts. I myself this past week have only been able to mostly read posts as I am in a lot of emotional pain myself at present. Courage to you dear Sad. I care, I understand, and you are so worthy of survivng. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann A LETTER TO MYSELF October 31, 2006 As the pages of your pain pass between us I can sense with better understanding the mountains of grief which have weighted down your shoulders or keep your arms filled with agony because they fear reaching out or withdraw from hands reaching out to yours. I can hear your whispered cries of confusion and the assortment of quiet questions that bind your heart with anger. While your lips remain sealed in silences I can feel you’re protective loneliness and the guardians of doubt that terrorize your hopes of letting it go. I can sense the awesome weariness of thoughts entangled by self-contempt or your body in search of its own acceptance. Yet, beyond all this, beyond the staggering loss and emptiness, which may claim you as a personal friend, you have not forsaken your desire to be healed or to extinguish those nagging voices of inner despair. You have not given up on making peace with your body or rescuing your dignity from layers of borrowed shame. You have not allowed humiliation to defeat you even when your strength seems fragile or your mind walks on the edge of self-destruction and for this and so much more my compassion reaches out to you. Love, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 5, 2011 Report Share Posted June 5, 2011 Dear Sad, I too join the ranks of having felt suicidal when my George passed away. I couldn't imagine life without him and didn't want to imagine a life without him. He was everything to me and I felt like all joy had gone out of my world. I was shocked, scared, purposeless, and hurting beyond comprehension. But it's six years later and I'm still here. If I can make it, anyone can. It just takes learning how to cope with it and for me the most important secrets to coping were taking a day at a time, an hour at a time, sometimes just a minute at a time. it meant expressing myself...when he died I felt all power had been stripped from me, so now it was important to validate my feelings and bring control to my world in whatever way I could. Sometimes that meant taking care of myself, eating healthy, getting exercise...those were things I could control. It meant choosing positive focus...that is perhaps one of the toughest challenges for me because it doesn't take effort to be negative and worry, but it takes concerted effort to focus on positive things and look for joy. Shortly after George died, God directed me to a refrigerator magnet with a dragonfly on it (He used that to get my attention) and it said "Find Joy in each day"...I bought it because I knew I needed reminded of that daily. At the end of each day I would look back over the day and try to find some bit of joy in it and acknowledge it. It might be a puppy's lick or a kitten playing or someone holding the door open for me or (miracle of miracles!) someone letting me merge. It might be getting to see elk or deer or a rainbow. It might be someone calling me or something nice that came my way. I found there were joys if I but looked for them and it changed my outlook. It's kind of like praying for someone...you find it changes YOU! It took time to accept this new "normal" although I can't say as I like it...of course I'd rather have my old life back, but that isn't a choice that's mine so I have to accept that I was fortunate to have had him in my life at all but now it's a new phase and I have to figure out how to make the best of it. When George died, I didn't see how I'd make ends meet but somehow I'm here. I've lost my job and the gov't has done away with extensions for people filing now so I have six months to find a job that will pay my mortgage and commute...six months when it takes over two years for most people. Am I worried? I'd be lying if I said no. But I have to keep reminding myself that God knows about my situation and I have to try and keep faith and hope and do my best...that is all I can do. That is all ANY of us can do. I know you will always miss her and no one will ever take her place, but if we can be here for you, we want to. It's okay for you to tell us how you feel...don't worry about bringing us down, we've all been through this, we understand, and it won't bring us down. None of us was ready to be there for others when this first happened to us...in time we're able to put to use what we've learned and you will too, but right now, don't worry about that. Just get through today. Breathe. Know you are not alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Yes, sad, no one is put off by your posts. we want to help and I agree...someday you will be helping others. that is how it goes. People helped me and still do and now I am feeling strong enough to help a couple of women here who brought food in when Bill was so sick. Now I am reaching out to them as they are in crisis. It just goes around and around. It is your time to receive but you are really giving each of us a chance to help and that is excellent. Do you have a pet? My dog helps me a lot. What about calling those numbers Marty gave you. I hope you will do that. The grief counselors DO understand. I used one and it helped a lot. Are you near a Hospice center? Please keep posting. Maybe share a bit about your life before your loss. We care....a lot!! We are all in the same boat. Many of us have thought about dying...I bet. I have but we are here for a reason....each one of us. mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Dear Sad, Thinking of you and wanted to let you know. I have to head out right now and it is feeling like I have to climb Mt. Everest to do it. Fear is no match against a determined soul. Know you are cared for and not alone. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Well we know she has Margaret's cats. God gave me a special cat after George died...he used to put his arms around my neck and stare intently into my eyes. He was very affectionate and slept with me every night. I only got to keep him for two years before a cougar got him, but he helped me the two years I got to have him. Opening yourself up to loving pets is a very rewarding thing. Hang in there, Sad. You are not alone, we are here with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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