azbrian Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Harry, I really don't know what to say after reading your post above except thank you for sharing what you both went through. When I find myself down or read something like you wrote I know I am not alone. Which of course means others are suffering like I am which also makes me sad. Speaking of Sad............ Hang in there Sad, keep on talking to us. There are days (not many) when I think I have this under control and then there are days that just seem to go by. Where those days go , I don't know, time is different now. Then there are the days that I am not ready to talk about until I can understand them a little better myself. Sad, I am looking at a picture of Ruth and right now I am sad, angry, depressed and a lot of other things right now. You are not alone. Take care all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted May 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Thanks Brian. I am hanging in there for another day. I thought about Harry's story all night. Harry, thank you again for sharing your amazing story of love and courage. I can't even describe how I felt when I read it and how I still feel. You and Jane shared such a strong bond and love and your story of the hospital and her fighting and the security guard knowing things about her. It makes me cry when I think about your pain and the pain of others on here. Everyone is hurting so much. Why, why, why does God allow such suffering and hurt among us? sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 I know I can't stand the test. I am at my limit. I think I cried all day. I tried to go to bed, but can't sleep, so here I am again. Kay thanks for posting me again and I hope you find another job soon. Wow, everyone has their woes don't they? I ask God why over and over. I try to understand why things happen the way they do. I have a friend that has 2 sisters and a brother and they talk everyday. How lucky of her. I have a brother, but he is too busy in his life to even think about me. I haven't seen him in about 21 years and he only lives about 20 miles away. No more wine for me tonight. Had way too much already. sad Sad, I don't think most of us could stand the test...not like Job anyway, but then God knows that, thank God He didn't pick me for an example! No more wine...a glass might relax you but you have to remember it's a downer, that's not what you need. A walk will invigorate you. Do you live in the city or in the country? I wish everyone could live where I live, it's so incredibly beautiful that I love to walk, but then it's not so much fun in the winter which seems to last seven months out of the year now. I'm sorry you don't hear from your brother, it's hard to understand how they can be so close and not even pop over. My brother lives about 1 1/4 hours from me but I haven't ever been invited to his home and he doesn't come here either. His wife wants them to stay to themselves or just be with her family. This year he's started emailing though and I've gotten to know one of his daughters on FB (she's 18, I always remembered her birthday even though I never got to see them). Oh how well I know those sleepless nights! I usually try to go to sleep for an hour and if it doesn't happen I get up and do something enjoyable, maybe read the paper or watch tv or make a card...then I try again in another hour or so...it means I get less sleep but with less frustration involved. There's nothing worse than tossing and turning for 3 or 4 hours! A lot of people say praying works too... And I agree about the going to church...we never know when the sermon will be just for us, so it's good to go and be there just in case. Lonliness can be a hard thing but you get halfway used to it in time...I say halfway because I'm not sure I've ever gotten fully used to it, but I'm alone so much I have to be halfway used to it by now! At least here there is always someone nearby... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted May 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Kay, thanks for your post. It's too bad about your brother not associating with you. I guess it happens in a lot of families. I thought maybe I was the only one. I wish I lived near you. We could take walks together. Well, Ohio and Oregon are about as far apart as any two states can be. It's nice just talking to you and everyone one else through email. I look forward to seeing my replies from everybody everyday. I am so glad I found this site. It does make a person feel better knowing there is someone out there who understands what you are going through. Today when I thought about getting a glass of wine, and when I drink a glass of wine, it's a big water glass of wine, I reached for a Coke instead. Later on today that may and probably will change. sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perkins808 Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Baby steps Sad. Be patient with yourself.....and be proud of the little accomplishments! Hugs, Tammy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Well you refused one glass, that's a start! They had to postpone my eye surgery today...too bad, next month I won't have coverage. I was looking forward to getting it over with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted May 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Hi Kay and Tammy. Too bad about your coverage ending for your eye surgery. Hopefully you'll get a new job soon with great benefits. Right now I am enjoying my first glass of wine. I hate this time of the day. It starts to get dark, people are winding down after work to be with their families. It gets really quiet and dark in my house. It's always quiet, it just seems more quiet at night. I hope everyone had a good day today and are looking forward to a long holiday weekend. Me, I'll be alone as usual. sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 My wife Pauline had 2 sisters one older one younger, a brother that was the youngest. The oldest sister lives about 7 miles way, the younger about 37 miles, her brother about 18 miles. They would never call never come by only her Father and her 2 best friends would come to see her. A couple years ago I had made a big pot of chicken , a french dish. Pauline had me bring a pot over to her fathers. Her Mother passed away in 1995 from cancer and about 1 1/2 years after Dad remarried. Fine she was like Pauline's mother liked to go to Fox wood and play the slots, so does Pauline's older sister. One day Dad stopped by to bring the pan back. He would always have a coffee and talk a little while. I asked him if he wanted coffee he said no the other 2 were in the car. Pauline asked what other 2. Dad said his wife and her older sister. Pauline had not seen her for over 2 years. So dad left and Pauline started crying what is wrong with me does she think she might catch something from me. I took her in my arms and said no all that is on her sisters mind is getting to the slot machines and smoking.When Pauline went into end stage MS. of course all the family wanted to come by. She did not want that only Dad her best friend and her husband. Well her older sister really wanted to come to see her. I said ok but not to talk load or anything. I had Pauline in her wheel chair and her sister and husband came over. I went into the bedroom and sat on the bed by Pauline and said her sister was there to see her. The sister came to the door of the bedroom and said (How are you doing Kido?) Pauline said just as plain as anything I am doing ok. Her sister said I just came by to see you. Pauline said you have seen me now you can go to smoke and gamble. Her sister could not believe what she heard. Pauline said get out I do not want to see you. I took her sister into the kitchen and said, remember when dad brought the pot back and you stained in the car and did not come up. That is what is in Pauline's mind now. She left crying and called the other sister, and she told her she would have done the same thing. After not seeing her for over 2 years then not coming up to see Pauline. It was very hurtful for Pauline. Her older sister never got to see Pauline again before she passed away. It happens in all families. Why I don't know. God Bless Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted May 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Dwayne, that is such a sad story. Now Pauline's older sister has to live with that memory of what she did and what she should have done for the rest of her life. Does Pauline's family visit you now? sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 I have hit a wall myself, The 25 has been 3 month without the LOVE OF MY LIFE. I can't sleep I go for walks it helps for awhile and then I just start crying, and it feels like the first day all over again. It is also around the time I met Pauline 33 years ago. I really do not know where the time has gone. I did not have my cell phone on for a couple of days. I turned it on yesterday and a message from Pauline's best friend Donna had called. Her husband had been in a bad motorcycle accident. Badly broken right leg, crushed his left heal, and he was asking for me for help. I went to the hospital today and he was sleeping when I got there, I let him sleep and praied for him. He was surprised to see me when he woke up. I gave him support and said when he get home I will help him anyway I can. God works in many ways, you just never know because it brought me back a little. Every week after Pauline passed away Greg or Donna always calls, and Greg in the hospitle bed asking how I am and what can he do for me. To call him anytime day or night. I am glad Pauline had Donna as a friend. I will tell you all later about Donna and Greg. God Bless all of you, we all need each other to get through this horrible thing called DEATH!!! Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Sad, no they don't only calls from Dad a few times a week and he offers to come over but he i not doing well so I go over to his house. Her brother just email every once in a while. Her older sister only called to borrow a bed table because her husband had a heart attack just the day bafore Pauline Passed away. Her younger sister calls every other week. She bought some things from me for around her pool area, but they will not come and get them. She called today and said I could come up some time this weekend. I don't know I will see how I feel. If I feel better may I will go up just to get the money, i can sure use it. Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 27, 2011 Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 Sad, Holiday weekends seem the hardest, watching everyone heading out camping or having fun and knowing you're just going to be alone. One of the things I've learned is to treat myself well, I have no one else to! I have a neighbor that's been here 31 years that just found out she has cancer in her spine (she just had a double mastectomy), I imagine I'll go see her, she wants me to make some cards out of her cross stitches. I'll probably have another neighbor over (her son) for a bit. I'll go to church. I'll be taking care of my son's dog. I'll clean house. There is a lot to do but who feels like doing it. It's a time to have fun and be with family, not just cleaning, etc. Gosh I miss George, it's like my life ended then (as I knew it). Now it's like filler, biding my time waiting...for what? Dwayne, That was a really sad story. People should care about family and not wait until they're dying either. I'm glad you have your friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted May 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Kay, you got that right. Biding time and waiting for.... I have a neighbor that's my age and single. I tried to talk to her, get to know her, maybe hang out together but she doesn't seem to be interested in making any friends. It's a shame. She's a therapist by day and loner by night. No one lives in the other house next door, so I kinda lose out on having many friendships around home. So I just cut my grass, trim my trees, etc and keep to myself. I do live in the city, not downtown but not in suburbs either. I have a large English Tudor type house. I always dreamed of having a large, old house that I could fill with antiques. Well, I got my large, old house and it's full of antiques, but now they mean absolutely nothing to me. Margaret and I used to love to go antiquing together and she was with me when I got almost each and every one. She bought a lot of stuff too, which is still in my basement. I just don't care about any of it anymore. Don't even have a desire to go antiquing anymore. This Sunday marks 5 weeks since she's gone. It doesn't ever get better does it? Only that you realize the finality of it all. sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted May 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Dwayne, it has only been 3 month since you lost Pauline. Wow. I admire you being on here, helping others while you grieve. I admire everybody on here. It's like we have a kinship. None of us have ever met, but we are all brothers and sisters in pain. 24 hours a day you might find a friend here and that feels wonderful. Do you have a job that you spend 8 or 12 hours a day, or are you like me, retired? I retired early in life thinking I would have fun before I got too old. What a joke. Sometimes I wish I were still working. At least that way my mind would be occupied with other thoughts part of the day. I hope you are working and can concentrate on other things for a while. sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Sad, no I do not have a job I lost my job the day Pauline passed away. I was her PCA Personel Care Attendant.Before that I worked in a factory for 27 years. I quite to take care of my wife. Pauline asked the agentcy if her ex-husdand could work for her. I had used a Rhode Island PO box for my taxes for years. Because Mass taxes where a lot hire and not working in state the penilties were very high. So now I am getting ready to start nurseing school in July, that is when they have the new funding. Now with unemployment it just is enough to pay my bills. I have about $50 after bills for food and gas. All the years I have taken care of Pauline all the visiting nurses and the wound care nurses said I done an exellant job. The wound nurse Pauline liked the best told me you are never to old to become a nurse and I have what it takes to do the job. I can't wait to get started. I am going to bed now I will type with you tomorrow. God Bless Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted May 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Good luck Dwayne with your new career. Hopefully you'll get a good night's rest and everyone else out there. Good night all. sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Sad, I know I said I was going to bed, and I did. As I was lying there waiting for my sleep to come I noticed that there has been a change in your writings. Am I was starting to see a glimmer of light starting to shine into your world of despair? I hope so and if I have helped you in any little way it goes to show how these forums like this can work. Good Night Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Dear Sad, I am so grateful that you are still talking; still reaching out; despite your torrent of pain. I totally relate to your aloneness. I congratulate you and am proud of you for not giving in to the darkness; for it only magnifies and intensifies the pain in my experience. Sad, I totally relate that nothing means anything to you anymore. I felt this exact same way in the beginning as well. I want to encourage you that for me things once again did start to mean something again. Keep in mind my Melissa died over 7 years ago now...so I have been at this a lot longer now. Sometimes I think of the pain as the ocean; sometimes the the ocean is calm: sometimes it is turbulent and storms all about.....but the calm always returns once again. So to our pain at times seems like we felt all there is to feel; then suddenly we find ourselves in that turbulent place of pain that feels raging and actually our body aches and our heart actually hurts and we begin to think our pain is going to kill us; and then in time we see we made it through; only until the storm rages again. Sad, I don't have these raging storms any longer. I still cry at times but I can carry the pain now. Keep on keeping on as you so deserve wellness. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann To everyone else in this thread: thank you for sharing and I am so so sorry for your loss and pain too. I have read all of your posts and I have heard you all and you all matter and I am so proud of you all. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted May 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Carol Ann, you have a wonderful way with words. Thanks for your posts. They are very enlightening and so true. Being alone most of the time does not help one cope with a loss. But having this forum helps in so many ways. There are so many warm and giving people on here that really care. That's nice to know. sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted May 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Dwayne, No I don't see a glimmer of light in my world. I just got done crying most of the evening. My real mood is a lot different from my words on paper. I'm just trying to stay upbeat even though I don't really feel it. Can't see a future. Can't fathom any real life ahead. But people probably get tired of hearing that. sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Dear Sad, I for one and I am sure I am not alone will never tire with how many times you need to acknowledge your pain and express it to us. I encourage you to be as honest as feels safe for you with how you are feeling and how you are doing. I believe you when you say that you don't see any glimmer of Light in your world. I believe you when you say you can not see the future or fathom any real life ahead. If I may and feels safe for you can I plant a seed in your thinking that perhaps the Light is there and is obliterated by your pain right now and that the Light has not been extinguished never to be seen again. I would like to reference you about a post that MartyT made in the Special Days Forum on this site entitled " Lighting a candle online" I have found this to be a valuable place to go and Light a candle for whatever reason I need and at times in the past kept me going knowing that I had to keep going back and re Lighting the candle or candles. Maybe that is something that you might find helpful to you. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Dear Sad, I used the multiquote function to bring MartyT's post here to this thread to save you going to look for it. Maybe others here would like to benefit and use it as well. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann To all our members who wish to light a candle online on the Gratefulness Web site: If you wish to have your candle burning with others in our Grief Healing Group, enter the site by clicking on this link: Light a Candle Online. If you enter the site through another avenue, please be aware that our group is identified by the initials GfHlg. You can find our group by using the site's Search feature (Enter Group Initial GfHlg). Alternatively, when asked if you want to associate your candle with a candle group, make sure that the group initials GfHlg appear in the designated box. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Sad, I agree that the evenings are the toughest. We are tired and lonely. I am so glad you rejected wine this week one time. That is a start and makes the next time easier. I know the holiday weekends are tough...at least they are for me. Bill and i were best friends and spent a ton of time together so I find the long weekends really difficult. I have also learned that alcohol of any kind makes them worse. I congratulate you for joining us, responding often and reaching out to us. We all need that from each other. mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sad Posted May 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Thanks Carol Ann and mfh. I lit a candle in honor of Margaret. Not a good day today. Very depressed. sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Sad, Here is a writing that might help.....my God be with you.... NATS ------------------------- "When a loss hits us, we have not only the particular loss to mourn but also the shattered beliefs and assumptions of what life should be. These life beliefs must be mourned separately. Sometimes we must grieve for them first. We can't grieve the loss if we are in the midst of "It's not supposed to happen this way" . . . We intellectually know that bad things happen ~ but to other people, not us, and certainly not in the world we assumed we were living in . . . Your belief system needs to heal and regroup as much as your soul does. You must start to rebuild a new belief system from the foundation up, one that has room for the realities of life and still offers safety and hope for a different life: a belief system that will ultimately have a beauty of its own to be discovered with life and loss. Think of a lifeless forest in which a small plant pushes its head upward, out of the ruin. In our grief process, we are moving into life from death, without denying the devastation that came before". -- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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