My Best Friend Margaret

[sad]

Thinking more and more about dying and less about anything else. Drinking alot of wine, not eating much. Why bother? This is serious. I can't think of any reason to live except for the pets and that's just not enough. No one and I mean no one would even know I died for days. That's how it is here. sad

[HAP]

Dear Sad,

Ah, but we would.

At the risk of sounding cruel: Stop drinking. Alcohol is a depressant. It is making you feel worse, not better.

Force yourself to eat regularly. When you have nothing in your belly that makes you feel even more depressed. Low blood sugar leads to depression. Eat regular, healthy meals.

Get out of the house. Go for a walk. A 30 minute walk will trigger some endorphins in your brain. That will make you feel marginally better. You won't feel great--that is in the future, but for now, marginally better is something to aim for. Get off the couch and move.

Drink some water. You are probably moderately dehydrated. That will make you feel more depressed as well. Someone here is always telling people to make sure they drink plenty of water. They are right to do so.

When I was in the hospital with my wife someone who had been through what I was going through told me that no matter what the outcome finally was with my wife, I was to go out and rent some good comedies. I did. And every once in a while they made me laugh. Feeling marginally better, even for a few seconds, was something I could build on. I know that sounds bizarre, but laughter is what you may need right now.

Go do some volunteer work if you can. Getting out of your own head will help you for a little while.

And if all of this is too much, pick up the phone and dial the Samaritans. They are a national hotline for depression. They do great work. They will listen to you and not judge you. They will be a physical voice, which sometimes you may need more than these disembodied words on a page. Go find a physical group locally. Or find a grief counselor. My local Hospice has one on duty--and she says to call her whenever.

I am not saying this to be cruel. I have been where you are. No one saw that because I had not even found my way to this group when I went through what you are experiencing. I bounced from room to room like some deranged pinball. I lost hours--sometimes whole days--and I was not drinking. There are too many people in my family with drug and alcohol issues in their past--and I did not want to join them. But the thought of drinking myself to oblivion is still way too strong for me to even think about it. I desperately want to go out tomorrow after work and drink something with more kick than root beer. I thought a week ago I'd be able to do that. But this week has not been good--and I will forgo that drink again this week.

My friends understand that. When they stop understanding that they will cease to be my friends.

We are all here for you. We will miss you if you disappear.

We know what you are going through. You can get through this. We all have. We have good days. We have bad days. We have lots of in between days.

We are all here to help each other.

You have done the hardest thing already. You have asked for help. That says you want to move forward. But you have to do the moving forward. We will catch you if you fall--god knows people have done that enough times for me here in the last two months--but the steps have to be yours.

Peace,

Harry

[Cheryl]

Those pets of yours need you to take care of them. They depend on you and I'm sure your friend Margaret would like to know that you will take care of them. Pets are a great source of comfort. They sense our pain. I have 3 dogs. My husbands dog, Noodles, now sleeps on top of his pillows. I often hear him breathing in the night and it brings me comfort to hear the breathing beside my head while I sleep.

What kind of pets do you have?

[sad]

I have way too many pets for someone in my situation. Margaret had 8 cats, 3 were her mother's. Her mom died last year and that was a real hard time for Margaret. Several years ago Margaret lost her 2 brothers, so she was alone except for me. I lost all of my family long ago, so Margaret was all I had. I have 3 cats of my own. Hers and mine cannot mix. If you know cats, you know how hard it is to get them adjusted to each other. So here I am, 11 cats to take care of. I'm not only overwhelmed by death, but by my environment. I promised Margaret if anything happened that I would take care of her pets and she would do the same for me. I didn't know it would be so soon. Her cats live in my finished basement where she lived for the last 15 years. I have a very hard time even going down there to feed them, etc. I can't spend much time down there either because of all the memories and her things are everywhere. I gave away all her clothes that I could see hanging on racks and doors so I didn't have to look at them everyday. Everything else is still where she left them and I don't know where or when to start on going through them. All I can think about is the lonliness for the future. Thank you so much to those who have answered my posts. sad

[egmix]

Dear Sad,

I know how you feel for my beloved husband passed away last year and still I feel the sadness and the pain of losing him. Everybody will tell you that it will get better but for me that is not so. Many times I have had to go outside and breath the fresh air for fear that I could not get any air in me. I does not get better, but you reach a point where you can finally see other people without breaking down. Someone read my grief an anger at the world and somehow we connected and became friends. We talk every night when we both can't sleep, cry on each others shoulder and now after a year are finally even joking about anything just to get a laugh out of each other. I pray that you too will find someone to connect to that has lost that special someone who will never be replaceable. Tom was the love of my life and my best friend but we have children and grandchildren who love and value me even without him and so somehow it gives me the strength to carry on. It will forever hurt but I hope you will find the strength and the friendship of someone who has gone through what you have and egg you on just as my friend and I have done for each other.

evelyn

[nats]

Sad,

Please listen, you may not see any reason in sight but you have many, first the pets, they need "YOU" they can not feed themselves nor shop for food when they run out....they also are a great source of Love....second you have "YOU", while it seems impossible now you must take things slow an hour at a time if need be, don't focus about the future as we only have the "Present" to deal with and we can not change the past....third you have taken a very important step in this process and that's cleaning the clothes out, Great Move, see things are changing and you don't even realize it, that was a great step for me, some people still have not conquered that task even after years....fourth you as well as myself we made a promise to our beloved one, we can not break that promise, for me I never broke a promise to Ruth while she was here I'm not about to start now.....so with those words I Pray you may find some comfort and God will allow you to see you have many reasons to continue your journey.....

If I can help anyway to ease your pain just ask, I'll tell you how I conquered each of my "First's"....

NATS

[sad]

Thank you NATS. I look forward to anwers from those who have survived this loss. I lived thru deaths before, but somehow this one will never get better. Margaret and I were so close and I guess this took me by surprise. I definitely am not ready emotionally for this. Like you were, I am a total basket case. I'm trying so hard to concentrate on other things - like cutting grass, driving around aimlessly, and whatever else comes to mind. But, if you look in my face, and see the haunted look in my eyes, anyone can tell I'm in extreme pain. Thank you again for caring. Sad

[Maryo]

Sad,

It will get easier please believe me. I used to look in the mirror and not know who was staring back at me.

It took awhile and many tears later, but I did get better and stronger. The first few months are the hardest. It has almost been three years since my husband died. The hurt is less and the tears don't flow as often or as long.I am not the same as before but I am ok and I am able to laugh and smile and find pleasure in life again.

Everything takes time.

Mary Lou

[Cheryl]

Sad, You are doing your best day by day. Remember not to look too far into the future. After suffering such a loss it is a gradual process to function at a normal level. It is important that you interact with other people though. Please try going to just one support group night. Your local hospice can help place you with a group. It will get easier if you start with small goals. I think a great first goal is to walk. It was hard for me at first but oh what a big help. Margaret was lucky to be able to depend on you to help her with the cats. In time you will be able to make decisions on what is best for both them and you. Take care and hang in there. Cheryl

[sad]

Thanks Maryo and Cheryl for your posts. I will try to take it day by day. Today is 3 weeks since she died. Sad

[sad]

Still sitting here with my new best friend, Manichewitz Concord Grape. No change, still depressed, crying all the time. No one to talk to. sad

[HAP]

Dear sad,

Put the bottle down.

Now tell us in as much detail as you can about how the two of you met. Relive that day for us. Show us how and why that friendship grew. Tell us about your average day together. Tell us how you worked together and on what. Tell us about what matters to you. How you got involved in animal welfare.

Start writing and don't stop until we understand your story.

Please do this. Do it now.

Harry

[MartyT]

Dear Sad,

I can only echo what Harry has said to you already (and Harry, thank you for bringing this post to my attention). Alcohol is a depressant, and drinking when you are feeling so sad will only add to the sorrow. You say you have no one to talk to, but you know that you have all of us. We are here for you, we understand, and we stand ready to listen. We've all been where you are now. We've all experienced the sheer, raw pain of grief. You are among kindred spirits here. But we cannot force you to talk to us, any more than we can make you take better care of yourself. As Harry says, you need to put down that bottle ~ but we cannot do that for you.

If I'm wrong, please forgive me for the misinterpretation, but it seems to me that you are signaling to us that you're having suicidal thoughts. If that is the case, I want to say the following to you.

When we are in the depths of grief and our pain is fresh, we usually have the pessimistic belief that things will never get any better, as if life and living are useless. Thoughts of suicide are not unusual when we are grieving. It is difficult for us to imagine life without the person we have lost, and we may feel a compelling need to join or be with the person who has died. Nevertheless, there is a vast difference between thinking about suicide and acting upon such thoughts. In grief, thoughts of suicide are usually fleeting and reflect how desperately we want the pain of loss to end. It's not that we want to die ~ it's that we haven't yet learned how we can live with our grief.

The sorrow of grief is not the same as clinical depression. A mourner looks outside and sees the world as poor and empty, while a depressed person looks inward and sees the self that way. Depression is a treatable illness. If you are concerned that you may be depressed, I urge you to consult with your primary care physician, counselor or clergy person. You may need medication or in-person counseling, or you may need only to be reassured that your feelings are within the normal limits of grieving.

Sad, if you honestly believe that, despite everything you've tried to do so far and despite everything you've read on this site, you still feel no relief, I want to encourage you in the strongest possible way to seek professional help. If you feel you are "coming apart," no longer in control, isolated with no one to turn to; if you are turning to alcohol or drugs to cope with stress; if you feel hopelessly depressed; if you feel suicidal, call someone immediately. If a trusted friend, relative, clergy person or counselor is unavailable or unable to help you right away, choose another option: Dial "O' or 911. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255. Call the National Suicide Prevention Center Hotline, 1-800-784-2433. Visit this Web site: Suicide: Read This First

[Perkins808]

Sad,

I don't think you will find anyone here who has lost a loved one and didn't wish at one point or another that they were with them. I will tell you that it takes a lot of strength to get through this grief process, and even when you feel like you are at your weakest - you will eventually look back and realize how strong you really were. I read this quote - You never know how strong you CAN be....until you HAVE to be. I think that applies to all of us. Every day I try to accomplish something.....when I was at the beginning of my grief journey sometimes my only accomplishment was getting out of bed - but looking back? I am amazed that I was even able to do that, but I did it. Please be kind to yourself - and give yourself credit for any accomplishment, no matter how big or small.

I hope you find some peace - and something to grasp onto to get you through this journey. When you are feeling alone - know that you have friends here.

Hugs,

Tammy

[sad]

We met at work some 29 years ago. She was brainy, intelligent, etc. I was just average. We looked like Mutt and Jeff. She was short and I was tall. We had so much in common. We both loved our cats, antiques, flea markets, outdoor fairs, shopping. She moved in my finished basement about 15 years ago after her divorce. We did everything together. She had a lot of health issues recently and I helped her in every way I could. A typical day would be to maybe go to the local thrift store and see what we can find or maybe go to an auction. I felt safe and secure knowing she was here with me. It's so hard for me to go into the basement to take care of her cats. I sink into the lowest emotional state that I've ever been in. I have other friends, but it's just not the same. They don't really understand. One tells me to "get over it". There are many times when I do think about suicide. I really don't think that there's a happy future for me. To live like this for long would be more than I can take.

[azbrian]

Sad,

Is there a family member or friend you can call and talk to or maybe can come over?

Please do not drive to them.

The person that told you to get over it, just does not get it. Please put that out of your mind.

Take care of yourself tonight, that is the most important thing to do.

[MartyT]

I am so relieved to read your most recent post, my dear, and pleased that you came back here to be with us. I don't know if you like to read, but the details of your story remind me of a stunning and beautiful book I read this past winter. It's about an extraordinary bond between two women, and how that bond can illuminate the loneliest, funniest, hardest moments in life, including the final and ultimate challenge when one of them is diagnosed with terminal cancer. I absolutely love this book; you might consider taking a look at it: Let's Take the Long Way Home: A Memoir of Friendship, by Gail Caldwell. It's fairly new, so I'm sure your local library would have a copy, and if not, would be happy to order it for you. In any event, please click on the book's title so you can read Amazon's description and reviews (e.g., "This is a beautiful story of the best things about best friends: shared rituals and private jokes, long walks (in this case, with their dearly loved dogs) and longer talks, confessions and discoveries. It would be wrong to say that their friendship ended with Caroline's unexpected death, because it so obviously lives and breathes in the rich and wonderful tapestry of stories told here.")

[mfh]

I, too, am relieved to see your post. This road we have all been called to walk is the toughest and most painful thing we have ever experienced. I agree with Tammy...I doubt there is a person here who has not wanted to be with the person we lost because life is so empty without them. I know I have. Today I sat with a friend who is going through a huge loss-not a death but a huge loss for her. I realized how much my loss this past year helped me to help her because I was able to put myself in her shoes a bit. A year ago (which would have been just a few weeks after losing my husband) I would not have even cared that she was in pain....all I cared about was my own pain and I knew then that I would never feel otherwise...but I do and so will you. The pain will be there...for me...I know I will hurt forever and that I have to somehow embrace that hurt because it is a part of me now....we all have found that to be true and you can too. We are ALL here for you and we want to hear from you, support you, share with you. I also know that working with a grief counselor and a support group is extremely helpful...face to face stuff....we all urge you to do that....find a local Hospice center and talk to someone there. I will look for your post every day when I log on.

[sad]

Today was a bad day. 4 weeks without my Margaret. I'm drinking heavily now. More than I can ever remember. I'm so depressed I could scream but no one would hear or care. sad

[mfh]

Dear Sad

I truly hope you will pour all the alcohol down the toilet. It is a depressant and only makes you more depressed. We all care about you and will support you but you also need to take some actions....please keep posting and please get rid of the alcohol. It is not helping. We all care.

[HAP]

Dear Sad,

You are wrong. We would all hear and we would all care.

We have all been where you are. I spent part of my day there myself. I worked in the garden--without my wife. I made up pots of flowers for the deck--a job my wife did every year. I graded reams of papers because grades close Tuesday--just as my wife and I would have done together. There was no one to share any of the joy of the planting and transplanting with--no one to share the joy and sorrow of my students' successes and failures with. The grass never got cut because there are just not enough hours in the day for me to do everything we used to do together. My wife was the closest friend I ever had. She knew things about me even my family has no clue about. She was my social world--the one person who talked to me without some other agenda--and the one person I could share who I am with. I have been fighting that loneliness as I do every weekend--as we all do every weekend. This is not easy for any of us.

But I knew the day she died that if I had one drink I would not stop drinking--and that alcohol, as Marty has pointed out--is a depressant that would only make things worse. I am not an alcoholic, but it runs in my family--and I know how quickly I could get there. I used to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner. No more. I will not drink again until I no longer crave it. And if that is not until I drink it new with her in the Garden, so be it. This is awful enough without adding that to the mix.

What you are doing terrifies me. Please stop the drinking. It is only making what you are feeling much much worse. Find a shelter you can volunteer at. Join a group that is fighting whatever caused her death. Do something constructive for her and for yourself--even if it is just staying sober and going for a walk. Find something to do that will let you stop thinking about your grief if only for a few minutes. But make sure it is something healthy. Alcohol is not the answer to what you are feeling. Getting out of yourself by involving yourself in the needs of others is what you need to do.

I have done MS walks, the Walk for Hunger and run my first competitive race in 40 years this spring. In June I will do two Relays for Life--and do all the planning that goes with putting a team together--and teach a summer journalism workshop for teachers. I have planted more veggies than I need so I can donate the excess to local soup kitchens. The grief is still there, but it has become more manageable. I've joined a support group and have started to see a therapist. If i can survive this--and my love for my wife created a relationship every bit as tight as you had with your friend--and every bit as wrenching to lose--then you can survive this.

But the answer is not at the bottom of a wine bottle. The answer is not in your own death. The answer is in what you choose to do with the life that remains in front of you. You can drink it away--or you can do something useful.

Please follow the advice Marty has given you. Call the hotline. Read the pamphlets. Keep posting here--long or short. Find a physical grief support group and a grief counselor. You need to start taking some positive actions that will help you come back to the surface.

Peace,

Harry

[sad]

You make it sound so easy. I can't volunteer. I don't have the energy or backbone. I'm defeated. I feel like nothing, nobody. I don't have any ambition. The wine I drink numbs my brain long enough until I can finally get to sleep. I retired 2 years ago and we were going to have a great time together. Well, now I spend my "great times" alone and crying. I appreciate your concerns and comments and I hope you don't get mad, but I have to handle this my way. My whole life has been full of tragedies. My mom committed suicide when I was 13. She had terminal cancer and was going to take my dad too. He was a quadraplegic from polio. He was asleep from sedation, but her suicide note said if he woke up in time, she would take him with her as she promised. He didn't wake up in time. I found her later that night. I'll never get that image out of my mind. He died 8 years later from a heart attack. I have no family left that cares. I don't have any emotional support at all. It's so hard to get up in the morning. There's only one reason that I do and that's to feed her 8 cats and my 3. I don't know what might happen to them down the road. sad

[kayc]

Sad,

If there is one thing I can understand, it's depression, the feeling of being alone, and no sense of purpose. It's something you have to fight every day when you're grieving. The bottle is not an answer, it will only add to your problems, but then you know that, it's just at the moment you don't care because you only want some sense of relief. But that relief comes at a price...a price that is adding up with interest due at a later date.

My dear sweet husband died nearly six years ago. I wanted to drive 120 MPH into a tree...I saw no life left for me. I didn't know how I was going to survive this. He was my world, we loved each other so much. But there is a big difference between wanting to and doing it. It's not necessarily that I don't want to live, but rather that I don't want to live like THIS. I want my circumstances to change. I know I can't have him back here with me like it was, but I want some sense of purpose, I want to matter to someone somehow, and you know what? If I kill myself, I will never give life the chance to give me that gift, to make anything different, to find a new sense of purpose and hope and love shared with others. I have to hang in there long enough to find it...no matter if it takes another year or 20...or the rest of my life, I have to stick around and see what there is to be discovered. I imagine there will be other trials and pains, but I expect there will be joys as well. In another thread that Perkins started about shedding the sadness, we are sharing our joys...they can be little, very itty bitty, it doesn't matter, but the point is to LOOK for them and acknowledge them. It begins to change our focus to positive so we can resurrect ourselves from the living dead.

It is good to voice yourself, to give acknowledgment to the pain and the loss, for it is real and it matters. This is a good place to do it. There are also grief support groups that you can go in person to and meet others going through the same thing. There is something about knowing you are not the only one experiencing this, you are not the only one feeling this way. It helps you know you are normal and your feelings to be expected.

I encourage you to see a doctor and tell him about how you are feeling, it could be he could help you with lifting your spirits and sleeping better. Please do this as soon as possible and don't wait, it helps to know there is hope and a lot of times that hope comes in the form of good medical assistance. Another way to help lift your spirits is through physical exercise, if you are able to. Just getting out and breathing fresh air or basking in the sunshine, and taking a walk can release endorphins which help you with how you feel and affect your outlook. It's one reason I walk twice every day with my dog. And speaking of such, pets also are good at lifting the spirits. You mention your friend's cats...I imagine they are missing her too, could you bring them upstairs and spend some time petting them? Do you think she would have wanted that? Sometimes just doing for someone else, even an animal, can boost our spirits and outlook. My dog is my lifesaver.

Another thing I want to mention is, I know your friend is unique (I say "is" because she still is, even though passed from this world) and noone will ever fill her spot, but there are other people you haven't met yet that could be a wonderful friend to you too...you do not give them the chance to by retreating. I have lost so many friends over the years, to death, moves, etc. and it is hard to put forth the effort to make new friends, but we have to keep extending ourselves...you may yet meet one of the most special people ever, and if you don't give them the chance, you'll be missing out. Who knows, perhaps that yet unknown person needs YOU!

Now, please put down that bottle, and tell us about her...you were asked how you met...it sounds like you had a lot of fun together, you shared in so much...tell us about her traits, what you loved most about her personality. It's funny, but even the things that once annoyed us, we find endearing when someone is gone...believe me, I know. Years ago I used to get annoyed because my kids' dad used to always leave his chair pulled out, so we had to push it in when we wanted to walk to the hallway. But I found when he would go on long trips...I missed seeing that chair pulled out. Isn't that weird?

So you were like Mutt and Jeff in physical heights, but it sounds like you got on fabulously in personality and sharing. Tell us what you shared that you liked. Sometimes it's those little things that are the hardest...when my George died, one of the things that was the hardest for me was getting groceries...that was something we always did together.

I look forward to hearing back from you...

Kay

[sunstreet]

Dear Sad,

I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I have not been on this site for some time as I have needed to take care of some legal stuff, do some very deep work with my therapist and I have multiple health issues.

I understand your pain more than you'll ever likely know. I understand and appreciate your need to do this your way. My only hope is that your way includes living.....even if you can't see the reasons to keep on living right now. Your pain is blinding you to life right now, it is still there, hope is still there, your pain has blinded you to them all for now.

I lost my wife, my brother, and my sister all to suicide, I was raised in an alchoholic religious family, wraught with violence, neglect, and abuse in every form. I escaped all of that; faught my way and climbed through the darkness, and met my wife who then my family sexually assaulted as punishment for fleeing from them and being a lesbian, it was all to much for my wife to bear and she took her life on December 25, 2003, and once again found myself in despair, and by the grace of my God, and my insatiable thirst to always go towards the Light, I again climbed up out of the darkness and feel happiness again...when I too was once right where you are at now. I had to give up alchohol to accomplish it though otherwise I don't think I ever would have seen the Light ever again.

I too only had the animals after my wife died; no friends; and no family so believe me when I say I hear you and I know what you are feeling. I made it and I am praying you make it too. Do you believe in a God? A Higher Power?

Know that you have a wonderful array of caring people here who all have experienced loss and are walking along side you if you feel safe enough to let us.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Sad,

I lived 33 years with my wife Pauline. I always put he frist before anything or anyone. I even quite my job of 27 years to take care of her for what came to be the last 2 1/2 years of her life. I is something I would not change for anything. We talked about her passing away many times. She told me I would be a wreck when it happened. She always told me to be strong and go on with my life. Which right now is hard to do. But the support of the local hospice group meeting and now I found this fourm it helps. I cry every day for her but slowly I am making a new life. It takes time and many tears to do it but we all have to start a new life post our love one. Talk to any body that will listen. At the hospital we went to all the time, the valet parking attendant sat and talked with me for a long time. After I felt a little better. all those little talks where ever they are help us all heal the best we can. So don't give up or give in, just take the small step one after another and you will make it out of the dispare. I know I have a new life now with out Pauline, I don't know how I get through some days but I look at her picture and know I have to go on for her because that is what I promised her I would do. God is holding your hand through you journey of life, he never gives you more than you can handle and he always place people around you in some way or another.

GOD BLESS YOU stay strong

Dwayne