Self Guilt

[ksbeachbum]

Any one else have the guilt feelings? My husband Randy was so full of life and we made a decision early on that we were going to fight the cancer and never look back. He was active, played golf and was young. We were not going to do a living will or any of that as I perceived it at the time as "a negative." We were upbeat and optimistic. As the pain and suffering took over I began the guilt trip and could not feel I could talk to him about the possibility of him not making it and the talk about death and dying. I never did have that talk with him and I so regret that. I still don't know if he knew he was at the end because we didn't go there. So many regrets. I was selfish and just wanted him with me not thinking about the pain he was in. Very greatful that all the family was there at the end but not knowing if he knew. He had lost a lot of his hearing and his left eye due to the tumor at the end. I feel so bad that we didn't get to say proper goodbyes and talk about it because he was always going to beat it. Then there was no will and now all the probate stuff that has to happen because we were not prepared for the inevitable. So much guilt!!!

Becky

[Perkins808]

Hi Becky,

Like you and your husband Randy, my husband Jeff and I were determined to face cancer with as much positive as we could. I'm not sure about your husbands circumstances, but Jeff was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer....terminal. We knew the reality that we were dealing with.....we just chose not to be "doom and gloom" about it. (his words)

Jeff had met with an attorney and had his will drawn up....but because his treatments were going so well he wasn't in any rush to follow up and sign it. In hind sight, that was a huge mistake as Jeff died from cardiac arrest....two weeks after being told that the chemo and radiation had gotten rid of the tumor in his esophagus completely.

I choose not to beat myself up about the choices that we made - they worked for us at the time.....so my advice for you is the same. Please don't beat yourself up over this.....cancer has got to be one of the most horrible difficult things anyone will ever have to deal with. Whatever way you and your husband chose to deal with it - it worked for you at the time.

I will also share this with you. Yes I wrote in the beginning paragraph that Jeff was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It was pretty easy to type, it was our reality that we accepted. About 6 months after he died I was laying in bed one night thinking about some conversations that he and I had had throughout his battle. We were always so positive about everything....yet I thought back on some of his actions and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Oh my God....Jeff knew he was going to die. Then I stopped.....of course he knew he was going to die you idiot, we both knew that! Yes, in my mind I knew he had terminal cancer...but in my heart I had hope that he'd live forever. So hard to explain this - as much as we lived only with positive thoughts, deep down we knew what we were dealing with. I am willing to bet that your husband knew as well....and maybe it was HIS way of dealing with it too, not putting it into words made it easier for him AND you to deal with it?

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense to you - it's not easy to put such an emotional topic into words and have it make logical sense. But my whole point is - be kind to yourself....cut yourself some slack.

Hugs,

Tammy

[ksbeachbum]

Dear Tammy:

Thank you so much for your reply. I really needed to hear that. Randy fought the battle with throat cancer in early 2010 and we thought we had it beind us only to find out 4 months later he had what we thought was a sinus infection, but it was maxillary sinus squamous cell carcinoma. It had wrapped itself around his optic nerve and the doctors were trying to keep it from entering into the brain. We knew the situation and I did the research, 35% survival rate but we never really heard any of this from the medical team. I know we fought it the way we wanted to, just hind site wondering if that was what he needed or what I needed at the time. You are right, no sense of beating myself up over it, it doesn't change anything, just looking at so many things I would and could of done different.But in the end, as my husband's favorite saying was "it is what it is."

Thank you again. Hoping for a good day for you and me.

Becky

[BellaRosa]

Becky, I lost my mom to lung cancer last November after a 5-month battle. She was diagnosed at the end of June with stage 3b, but no one ever mentioned the words "terminal" or "hospice" or anything. I knew what her prognosis was from researching it myself, but we still never talked about it. There was lots of talk about "when you get better" and "everything will go back to normal once the treatment is over." We had plans for this summer. I never asked her if she was scared, or if she knew exactly how close to the end she was. I regret that deeply. I wish we would have talked about it because I'm sure that it was going through her mind. Only after she passed did my dad and I find out that she told someone that she had cancer and "you won't be seeing me again." She never spoke that way with us. I assume she was trying to be strong, but I would give anything to go back and at least TALK to her about what she was really thinking. She also didn't have a living will, so when she ended up in the ER and then the ICU, my dad and I had to search through fragments of old conversations to figure out what she would have wanted. We just never imagined this could have happened to her or us, and "preparations" seemed so unnecessary.

Erin

[Kat2005]

I dealt with major guilt and still do at times. Tammy is right, at the time I thought I was handling it the right way but looking back I wish I would have done things alot differently. I always tried to be upbeat to keep him fighting. I didn't want him to give in to this terrible disease (Prostate Cancer). We never really sat down and talked about it. I don't really know how much he would have understood because the meds had him confused at times. Two weeks before he passed he looked at me and asked me when was he going to die and once again I told him he needed to fight this thing. I guess that was the selfish part of me coming out. I couldn't be loosing him in 9 months when I was told some people live 5 to 10 years. I brought him to the hospital 10 days before he passed, thinking he was just dehydrated. He never came home.

It will be 2 years on the 23rd of this month and I am trying not to beat myself up on the decisions I made. It is so hard to deal with the "what if's" sometimes. Deep down I know I did what I thought was right and he knew that. Things happen for a reason and one day everything will make sense.

I would like to thank everyone, once again, for being there when I need someone just to listen to my rambling.

Kat

[Guest mikaerin]

Becky and Tammy If you guys were married everything should roll to you or if he beneficaratied things to you Wills are not the best because they get tied up for a while But as a spouse things usually go to you The house in both names the banks stuff and the Ira's and such You get it all and then it's yours to pay for Lucky you

I worked with it all Through the tears each day for a long time last year but it, in the end worked out Taxes and closing his business (Oh was that a feat) since it was a construction repair equiptment business) foreign to a woman We got thru it

Put a lot og the griving on hold and I suffer more now after a little over a year than before

But angels came forward Iremember needing something and asking and bang , help arrived from out of now where

I see him in everything The sky, the favorite coffee on the shelf in the grocery store , the TV programs he loved, the shirt hanging in the closet I see it all Just like you Some days I smile and some days I cry

Good thoughts ladies

Lori

[kayc]

My ex-fiance, Jim, has been dealing with probate for eight months now, and that was WITH a will...also, I think laws vary from state to state.

I think a lot of us felt guilt at some point but we have to eventually let go of it and realize we gave our best and they knew that. There isn't a handbook for how we should handle everything and if there was, we wouldn't have time to read it...esp. those who are caregivers at their loved one's life-end.

[ksbeachbum]

KayC

You are so right. I worked for the Courts for 32 years and each state is different. I will be dealing with probate in two different states since our second house is in Florida. It takes a minimum of 6 months in KS, then after it is wrapped up here I have to do it again in Florida, where the second home is. Already in process, but it is a lot easier if a will is in place.

Becky

[marcplum]

Hi Becky, No one, and I do mean no one, can tell you not to have guilt. This is one of the things that keeps us in touch with reality. You knew, and more importantly, Randy knew the prognosis from the outset. I believe that we who are not sick, think we can make the nightmare go away if we don't acknowlege it. It sounds to me that your Randy was much like my Lisa. She fought valiantly and never complained. In fact my children and I believed that she did not recognize the severity of her illness, she most assuredly did. I am certain that Randy had your best interest at heart throughout this ordeal. While we are in this terrible transitional state we often times don't make the right decisions, but those decisions are almost always for the right reasons. As for Lisa,

the time she had with us from onset to conclusion was a blessing. She participated in our daugther's wedding and she saw all three of our children come to a point that she was extremely proud of. As for red tape and probate, it will happen. Blessings upon you, Marc

[Lainey]

Becky,

When my husband found out that he had cancer, we decided like most others that we were going to fight it. He had surgery on May 28,2009 and a month later the report came back that they had got all of the cancer. Trying to recuperate from the operation was a feat in itself, but we were doing it. By August the pain started again and in October we were told that cancer was in his pelvis and lung. Because of the type of cancer he had the chemo would have destroyed his one good kidney and he wasn't a candidate for transplant. We talked about his death, his feelings, my feelings, how I would cope and many other things.

I still felt guilty after he died, I blamed myself for things that were beyond my control. Don't beat yourself up, you did the best you could and Randy knows that. Be kind to yourself.

I'm sorry you didn't have a will etc.In Canada, whether there is a will or not, if you're married or lived commom law for a year, the estate goes to the surviving spouse.

Please be gentle with yourself, eat properly, try to sleep and try to find something good in your day. This is a long, hard journey we're on and just when you think things are getting better.. it seems like you get whammied back to square one.

Lainey

[melina]

Becky,

At times I think I'm the Guilt Queen. My husband, Thyge, was also full of life and intent on living well into his 90s or further. When we got the lung cancer diagnosis (ironic since he'd never smoked), we were momentarily knocked out. But then he decided he would survive, and I back him up on that. He continued running as long as possible. Even when it was clear (to everyone else) that he was not looking too good, we lived a kind of fantasy that he would survive anyway. He had always been healthy and active - how could cancer get him? We never discussed dying, and though I have regretted many times not helping him through that, I think he needed to stay optimistic. Up until a few hours before he died, we were making plans for fall vacation - months away.

I have had months of guilt - for everything - absolutely everything. Now that guilt is too much to bear, too heavy. I can't carry it any longer if I'm going to survive myself and help our sons through this. But I certainly know what you mean. Still - consider if Randy would want you to carry all this guilt. And maybe you helped him by keeping his spirits up, giving him hope all the way to the end. That's how I have to see it if I'm going to get through this.

Melina

[Babypod]

Becky,

I am sorry for the loss of your husband. I too feel a tremendous amount of guilt. No one ever asked my Grandma when she wanted to be done fighting. No one ever really talked to her about it. We finally put her on hospice (the last couple of years were hard for her - vision and hearing gone - hard time walking) and five days later she got a UTI and died. My strong and beautiful grandmother died of an untreated UTI that became septic. It is so hard - a simple antibiotic would have taken care of it and she would still be here today - but because my mom, Aunts, and Uncles decided it was time for hospice she did not get treatment for it - and died.

The guilt is tremendous. Every day I didn't go visit her over these last 10 years when I lived near just have me filled with guilt. The fact that we didn't know if she was ready for hospice - we should have talked to her about it. She was so scared to die on her last cohearent day (the last two days were hard for her). She said she was scared. By the time we got to say good bye we don't know if she knew what we were saying. She did squeeze my hand, and her throat made a noise when I was saying good bye - I am so hoping that she knew just how much she meant to me.

So yes - guilt can be common.

Angel

[nats]

Hello To All,

My thoughts on this are why/how can we feel guilt when we were just denying our loved ones were going to pass, we all saw the fight they had, we had the fight for them and did what we could but we can not feel guilt for something we could not control, regretful not guilt I would say would be more fitting, all of us truely miss our spouses I'm positive but with me when I look at the whole picture and Ruth's last days she was not "living" as I knew her, the chemo and radiation had taken my wife's life as we knew it from us a long before she passed, I saw her cry as her hair feel out, she cried when we could not make love because she hurt both inside and mentally because she said she never wanted it to get like that, she cried when she could no longer walk, and she cried the morning she passed as she knew I'm sure because I had ran to the drug store just 5 minutes from home and when I came home she asked to sit down and hold her, as I did she ask me to never leave her again not even for 5 minutes, I promised her I wouldn't, it was later that evening she went into shock and I had her transported to the hospital, only because I did not have the meds to keep her comfortable, the next morning 2/14/10 Valentine's Day she joined God, I feel no guilt, only regret, regret I didn't face the reality she was passing and love her more...regret she will not see our grandchildren, regret I can not hold any longer, and regret I'm so selfish that I sometimes can not understand she is much more at "life" now than in the days she was in pain and discomfort....

NATS

[kayc]

I've said this before,l but I think it warrants reiterating:

Guilt has a purpose; that purpose is to call our attention to something that needs changed. Once we have learned from our mistake or the need is a moot point, there is no more need for guilt and it channels into "shame". Shame's purpose is different than guilt's. Shame's intent is to hold us down, paralyze us, keep us from being all we can be...quite the opposite from guilt's purpose. So while guilt can bring about positive change, shame is self-destructive.

When the need for our change has passed or we have learned from our past, it is time to let go of the guilt so that it doesn't hurt us. It is not a noble thing to hold onto guilt, it doesn't hold us any closer to our loved one or bring them back. We have to first learn to be kind to ourselves...after all, we've just lost the one person in the world that was kind to us, so now we have to assume that role for ourselves. Be as understanding with yourself as they would have been. Think about how you would want THEM to feel if roles were reversed...can we do any less for ourselves, isn't that what they would want?

Yes we all have fleeting moments of self-incrimination...regrets, things we wish we'd have done better...particularly in the beginning of our grief. We wish we'd have said "I love you" one more time or told them how much we appreciated them. We wish we'd have spent more time with them, been more patient, etc. etc. The truth is, we are human and we did our best and we DID show our love to them and they DID know how much we loved them. And they understand and love us just as we are. And while we have things we would do differently if given that opportunity, we cannot beat ourselves up for it. There is a difference between accepting ourselves, mistakes and all, and holding ourselves down with self-judgment.

Jim has a neighbor, Ray, an elderly man, that took in a woman that had no place to go...that was about 25 years ago. They lived together all those years. One day she was in distress and an ambulance took her to the hospital. Her kids, who never saw her or were there for her, were left in charge of making the final decisions and they had her go to a care facility instead of going home so Ray could take care of her. She died in the care facility. Ray took it really hard, his agonizing cries could be heard up and down the street. Jim heard his cries in the middle of the night and went to him. Ray was beside himself, he said, "I never told her I loved her." Jim told him, "Ray, don't you suppose after 25 years that she KNEW that you loved her?"

I'm sure she knew. But I'm also sure it would have been a good thing for him to tell her...not only for her, but for him. He can't go back and change the past, but he can still tell her and who knows but what she can hear...

[Dwaynecg]

Becky.

Guilt is a normal feeling after the death of you loved on. You second guess every decision you have made. We all think if we would have done this or that they would still be with us. It doesn't work that way. Pauline talked about everything. We had many years to do so because MS is a slow killer. In the end it did not matter MS took her any way. There was not a thing I could do to stop it. I tried believe me I worked very hard the last 3 weeks trying to stop the process but it did not make any difference. She stilled passed away. I was so glad to have been with her, and her being at home where she wanted and everything in the bedroom the way she wanted it to be. I held her told her I loved her and I will be ok and she could go to sleep now, I said I love you and she mouthed back I LOVE YOU TO. Then she just went. I felt so much guilt more than anything. The hospice consoler told me I had an nothing to feel guilty over. I had done everything I could, and better than most, so don't beat yourself up over her death. It was not in my control. I don't feel as much guilt now, I just miss her like crazy. I know I will se her again. I have to make a new life now, one I never wanted, but I have no choice, so go on I will always keeping Pauline in my heart and my soul. I love her always and forever. Some day I will meet someone to love again, it will never be like the love I have for Pauline, but it will be love again. Hang in there and don't beat yourself up for feeling guilty.

God Bless

Dwayne