Where Are All Of The Other People That Have Lost Someone ?

[azbrian]

I am not posting this with any intent to offend or insult anyone.

I know this group, Loss of a Spouse, Partner or Significant Other has the most posts by I believe about triple any other group.

I have been in here about a month or so and have been pretty much been seeing the same people post in here. Not that there is anything at all wrong with that. I may not respond to every post but I do look forward to reading how all of you are doing or not doing and learning something from all of you about this process we are going through.

But....................

Why are there so few people in here ?

Where are all of the other people that lost someone, if they do not need to find a group like this, then how are they dealing with this ?

It is not that I want anyone else to suffer and have to join or that I want this to be a massive group. Am I somehow different than them or is something wrong with me that I need to be in here chatting with all of you and they don't ?

[Perkins808]

Hi Brian,

I think there are more people than you are aware of, I think they just don't post anything. They draw comfort from just reading what the others have posted?

I know every once in a while a name will pop up that I haven't seen before and they announce that they've been a member for a while....so it's not that there aren't a lot of people here, it's just that posting things online isn't for everyone.

Me? I find comfort in posting my own personal experiences and getting feedback from everyone.....but that's me. Everyone grieves in there own way.

Rest assured that there is nothing wrong with you.....because if there is something wrong with you, then there must be something wrong with me too!

Hugs,

Tammy

[MartyT]

Hi Brian ~

I don't want to discourage anyone else from responding to your very valid question, and I look forward to reading those answers, too. But I felt a need to share some of what I've learned in all my years of walking alongside the bereaved as a grief counselor. As I'm sure you've discovered by now, everyone experiences, responds to and deals with his or her grief in ways that are unique to that person. We have many, many people on this site who've been registered as members for years, and they've never posted a single message ~ but we know that they do come here to read what others have posted and they find that to be extremely helpful. (If you click on the title of any forum, you'll find a column entitled Stats, along with Topic, Started By and Last Post Info. Take a look at the number of views in addition to the number of posts, and you'll get the idea.)

Some folks just aren't comfortable typing instead of talking. We know that. This is why Hospice of the Valley offers this site as just one of many services for the bereaved. We know that many mourners aren't comfortable with computers or with the Internet, and so we try to find other ways to meet their needs. Many people prefer a face-to-face, in-person grief support group instead of a virtual one, which is why HOV offers so many support groups at various times and places, all over the Valley. Some folks don't like to be in a group at all, and feel more comfortable working one-on-one with a bereavement counselor in the privacy of their own home. So HOV offers individual short-term grief counseling (at no cost) to anyone whose family member was on our service, helping them get through the first year following the death. In addition to our teen volunteer program and our Grief Speak Program for Teens, through our New Song Center for Grieving Children, we offer ongoing grief support groups for children, teens, young adults and adults who are grieving the death of someone they love. We offer special remembrances and short-term groups that address loss in relation to holidays and specific types of loss, such as the death of a spouse, a father or a mother. Our specialists provide education and support to community groups dealing with grief and loss. Every November HOV sponsors Light Up a Life, an annual community event held under the stars to memorialize and honor those who have died. We send out a bi-monthly Bereavement In Touch newsletter to our bereaved families (and to anyone else who asks to be placed on our mailing list). We offer several publications such as our book, Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year, and our booklets, Helping Another in Grief, and Explaining the Funeral / Memorial Service to Children. In addition to this site, we have other Web-based resources: at www.hov.org you can click on Grief Support, and you'll find HOV on Facebook and on YouTube, too. I've listed dozens upon dozens of links to other resources on the pages of my own Grief Healing Web site as well.

The point is that there are many, many ways to process grief, and many different sources of support. As the saying goes, "Different strokes for different folks," and HOV works hard to offer a wide variety of choices. This online forum is just one of many other options ~ and lots of folks take advantage of more than one option!

I am grateful that you feel comfortable enough to be a participating member of this online forum, Brian. You are wise to explore and take advantage of what works best for YOU.

[west]

I do read the posts not continually but once in awhile. I do not usually post since I belong to a support group and use that as my primary source of communication. I do gain support from everyone who is on the same journey as I am; not easy and each day is different. May we all manage to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

West

[Lainey]

Hi Brian,

I'm one of the ones that prefer to read more than write,but have done my share also.I was/am quite a private person and found it hard to express myself at first. I'm able to share more now and it depends on my mood just how much I share.

There is definitely nothing wrong with you, if this forum helps you in your journey, by all means use it. Everyone is here for a reason(loss) and if not for the writers, us readers could be in trouble.

Lainey

[Dwaynecg]

Brian,

I for one all my life have had a hard time expressing my feelings. When I met Pauline, she was really the one I could ever really talk to. The guys a work I never socialized with. It was always Pauline and I. After she passed the grief consoler at hospice called me several times and wanted to get to the group meeting for those that has lost a spouse. The first one I was to sick to go. She told me of another one she has for anybody who has lost some one in their life. I went and it wasn't easy for me to do, open up in front of other people. As it turned out every one their had lost a spouse. When it was may turn, I told them my first name and What caused Pauline's death. I shed tears the whole time. It was after every body had done the same thing, I didn't feel alone. There were other people going through the same thing. I try to attend all 3 meetings a month. Harry told our group about HOV. I have never belonged to any kinds of groups on the Internet. Pauline had she was evolved with a lot of groups. I find it being a lot better to post and read here, and I can get my emotions out a lot better at the group meetings. Both have worked for me. I have along way to go before I will find peace in my life. I put Pauline first in my life, before work, family, and before my own needs. That is how much I loved her. God will guide me and when I can't go on he will carry me through my life. I am so thankful to Harry for telling our group about HOV. The consoler had told me months ago after Pauline passed to look on the Internet for grief groups. I never looked until Harry. I guess I was just afraid to write in some group on-line. I was so wrong this is the place to be. I thank all of you for your writings, I now that you understand the pain we all have, as we try to go on without our most important person that we had.

God Bless all of you

Dwayne

[Kat2005]

I come to the sight almost everyday. I am just not very good at putting my feelings into words so I don't post very often. I wish I could express my feeling and give advice like Perkins808, HAP and yourself. You guys truly have a gift.

We all help each other in one way or another. Whether it is writing and giving advice or just reading others thoughts and knowing that you are not alone.

Take care, Kat

[mfh]

Hi Brian,

I just want to chime in here. I come on often and read and it helps. At times I post. I know there are many who are more private and not comfortable sharing feelings with anyone let alone strangers. There is nothing wrong with you. People choose a variety of ways to deal with loss. This is just one of so many as Marty said. I admire how you share and always respect your posts. Thank you for them as they help me. mfh

[Dimcl]

Many people (especially our elders) are not that familiar with the 'Net. I've spoken with people younger than me (I'm 57) who had no idea that grief forums even exist online. When they find out that a site like this exists, they invariably comment on what a great idea it is. I suspect that there would be a lot more people if there was common knowledge about the resource. Just my two cents worth.

Di

[Guest Nicholas]

I view every day and post quite often, but then my business is online and prefer to communicate that way as I am a very private person.

Nicholas

[kayc]

Some people have not even considered that such a place exists. Others have been told about it but aren't comfortable "talking to strangers". Some have been taught to put on a (fake) happy front and not show their feelings. They are the ones that miss out, for this place has been a lifeline to me and I want to be here for others newly going through it. To my way of looking at it, this site with the people here, they are some of the best in the world. And that has held true the six years I've been here.

[new]

I like Kat have difficulty putting my feelings into words. I try to think of things to say when I read a post but usually someone else has already said it and much more eloquently than I could. There are many who are my heroes on this site. They give inspiration and seem to know just what to say. So maybe I am lazy by not responding and mostly reading but the posts do help me during this nightmare and with this life I am trying to learn to live with.

Thank you and wishing all of you a good day today.

Pat

[MartyT]

Pat, dear ~ Please do not label your behavior as "lazy" ~ We have many, many members on this site who come here just to read, who've never posted a single word, and that's okay! Your membership is just as valued as anyone else's, I assure you ~ and you are just as deserving of whatever support you find on this site ♥

[mfh]

I think this site is here to serve each person in whatever way he or she needs. Some come to read and gain support from the posts and others post often or not so often. Like our grieving process, it is unique to each person. There are times I log on and am just too tired or distraught to respond and other times I respond to several posts....to each his own. The gift of this site is that we are not here to judge anyone...and I have never seen a judgement here. What a great gift. mfh

[sunstreet]

Dear Brian,

I want to thank you for your courage and honesty with how you are feeling. I want to let you know that I don't believe there is anything wrong with you at all. I thank you for your posts as I have learned from them.

I found this site and only read posts for about a year before I made my first post in the Pet loss forum. I think that because all of us have our own history and experiences in life that whether we post only, read only, or both will be reflected by that and has nothing to do with how we are as a person and whether there is something wrong with us or not.

I think what is so wonderful about this site is that it is non-judgemental and accepting of everyone and their path with loss. I value each and every member here and respect whatever they need to do to weather their loss.

So, Brian please rest knowing that there is nothing wrong with you.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

*******************

Dear New ( Pat),

I do encourage you to not place judgements onto yourself such as thinking you are "lazy". I felt sad when I read you say that. You are not lazy; you are doing exactly what you need and that is brilliant!

Blessings and Courge, Carol Ann

[new]

Marty,

Thank you for the note. I think lazy was a poor choice of words on my part.

Pat

[MartyT]

Oh, good, cuz you're not

[melina]

I think I may be one of the people who post too often. I don't know - maybe that's one of the things that's keeping other people from coming forward.

For me, this is a safe place to share my grief. There aren't many groups that meet where I live. There was one, but it wasn't for me. I prefer to come here and read, reply or wail when I need it. Some messages are harder for me to read than others - so I can pick and choose according to how strong or sad I feel. I'm not good with advice, but I find comfort in sharing and replying to others when I can. I'm also fairly reserved and private in my everyday life, so this place has been helpful for me. We're all different.

Melina

[MartyT]

Dear Ones ~ Enough of this concern about posting too much, or not posting often enough

If there is any place on earth where you can do and be whatever you need to do and be at any given moment, let this be the place. Use this site in any way that meets your need ~as long as we all comply with our Discussion Group Guidelines, of course

We all agree that each of us is a unique individual with our own individual ways of coping with loss. Like our fingerprint, we each have a "griefprint" that belongs to us alone. There is no right or wrong way to "do" grief ~ there is only your way, and each one of us must discover that for ourselves ♥

[azbrian]

When I said my intent was not to offend or insult anyone I guess I should have added a couple more things. Like I don't think some people post too much or some people have to post more or explain why they do or do not do certain things.

I know HOV has a lot of great programs and that people will pick and choose what works for them and of course the great people at HOV.

To be blunt, I think I was having a pity party for myself the other day when I first wrote this post. I guess the other day I was hoping for some magic pill someone found, a pill that does not exist.

[Perkins808]

Hi Brian,

I think we have all fantasized about "that magic pill" that would make all this so much easier.

Don't be too hard on yourself - I don't think any of us here can say we haven't had our own little pity party!

Hugs,

Tammy