Positive Emotions

[Perkins808]

Now my memories from shortly after Jeff died are sketchy at best, but I do remember searching online for positive ways to deal with grief. (That is actually how I the HOV grief site!) It was nagging away at me because I knew I had found an article on this subject, and tonight I finally found the link on my computer. It was posted on the PBS website, and I remember it gave me hope that by allowing myself to feel the positives, it would give me a much needed break from all of the negatives that we all experience while grieving.

I just thought I'd share this:

http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/positive-emotions-do-they-have-role-grieving-process

Hugs,

Tammy

[HAP]

Dear Tammy,

Thank you for this. I know some of us thought this before, but it is nice to see someone a bit more objective agree.

I read the last comment on the article and i wonder if the writer has a point or not about sadness not being a negative emotion so long as it is not out of control. Certainly there are things to learn from the sadness as well as the things we think of as more positive emotions. Getting stuck there is where the problem is. And the argument seems to be that the more traditional positive emotions prevent the painful emotions from becoming overwhelming--and thus destructive.

For those of us grieving, I suspect that getting stuck at either end of the emotional spectrum is dangerous. We are striving to get our balance back and any extreme can throw us into broad pendulum swings that threaten to throw us off the tightrope we walk.

Things to think on here. Thank you again.

Peace,

Harry

[sunstreet]

Dear Tammy,

Thank you for sharing this article with us. I suppose I am the odd duck out as I view all emotions as positive, and for some of us a victory to feel anything at all, due to the formative years that we were subjected to where we learned to become emotionless in order to survive.

I think when we place adjectives on emotion such as positive or negative; it gives rise then to interpret or translate that to good or bad. For myself I don't view any emotion as negative or bad. I use too prior to Melissa's death think that the emotion anger was an extremely negative emotion and that if I felt it that I was myself was bad. Now, that came as a direct result of my formative years and conditioning that I endured. Today, I know anger is a healthy normal emotion; and if I feel it and especially if I voice it in an appropriate manner; I give myself lots of praise for I know it is a victory for me. IN fact, as ironic as it is; I have had Melissa's voice in my mind many many times since her death telling me that it is OK for me to feel angry at her for her choice and I hear her actually encouraging me to express anger whenever I feel it.

I think when someone grieving stays stuck in an emotion...and does not seem to be moving through their grief then that may require some outside help but is still not a negative in my thinking; just means the person needs some help to naviagte their loss.

What I like to think on is the idea of having some "fun" alongside our grief and allowing ourselves that as a way to get repreive from the spectrum of emotion that comes after a loss. So in my case it works better to do things that are fun for me rather than to focus on whether my emotions are positive or negative.

My goal that I continually work towards is balance and harmony in life without my Melissa; for me that has been key in my healing.

Thank you for the brain food by sharing this article....

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[kayc]

I view all emotions as positive, and for some of us a victory to feel anything at all, due to the formative years that we were subjected to where we learned to become emotionless in order to survive.

Carol Ann, I never thought of it that way. I, too, have been a victim of abuse, and learned to shut off or project my self elsewhere when it was taking place. I didn't learn until years later that this is common...our bodies are amazing machines, our survival instincts are indeed very complex and intricately woven mechanisms!

Tammy, I will click on that link now and see what you're directing us to...

[MartyT]

This seems to be a very popular topic at the moment. Just today while doing some other work online, I came upon these articles:

Coaxing Optimism Back Into Our Lives

How Positive Emotions Impact Life Success

[kayc]

That was good...I like the part about engaging in something...even if only for five minutes. When I'm depressed the last thing I want to do is do something, so if you can force yourself with a five minute commitment, maybe you can keep going.

[azbrian]

Yes, this is a good topic.

I have not had anything really positive happen in a long time but I guess I also have not been working hard enough how to break up the negative and depressing thoughts I have.

When I try and do something, focus can be an issue for me. I am always flipping back and forth from Ruth to not working in my head and wind up with a lot of nothing done.

[Cheryl]

Tammy thanks for this link! It helped me tremendously today. I often get stuck for days in a grief cyclone and find it hard to break free. I really liked hearing that engaging oneself even for five minutes helps break through the negative thought patterns. I often find myself stuck in sadness and will just watch TV for hours unable to find a reason to do anything else! After days of nothing I have to work my butt off to get everything done that I've neglected. Today I decided to focus on a specific task that I liked for 5 minutes and it indeed changed my thought patterns. I felt engaged with my surroundings and actually noticed what a great morning it was! Picked veggies from the garden, watched the hummers bathe in the fountain and took the dogs for a long walk! 5 minutes turned into over an hour of just stuff. I've printed the article and will post it nearby to reinforce myself. thanks!

[Dwaynecg]

I for one have always looked for the positives in life. When Pauline was diagnosed with MS I tried for all those years to have a positive attitude with Pauline and tried for her to see the positive in life no matter what comes down the road at you, you could always be worst off than you are now. The last couple of months as she slipped away I still was positive she would pull through. The last week of her life I knew it was futile and her life would be over soon. Her last day, I hardly any sleep. I knew that this was the day she would pass. The hospice nurse told me it would be 3-4 days. But I knew different. I prayed for peace for Pauline. At 2:30 I told her I would be ok, and for her to go to sleep now. That I love you, her mouth moved as she was saying I love you too. Her live had ended. The loss of my Pauline has ben the hardest thing in my life. I have found positive emotions as well as sad and crying. Because of Pauline I will become a nurse to help other people. I will keep the positive thinking for the rest of my life. It is hard to do now but I know I will get better and stronger again. Even as we fail we try again until we find our way into our new life.

God Bless

Dwayne

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

I just stumbled upon another interesting article I'd like to share with everyone in this thread. It's an interview with Meghan O'Rourke, bereaved daughter and author of The Long Goodbye: A Memoir:

When My Mother Died, She Told Me to Try to Enjoy Life More

[Queeniemary]

Tammy,

I was barely on this site during the month of June. My best friend Kathryn had come for a 2 week visit, I was directing a play for our community theater, and then I went back with my friend to AZ for a visit at her home. Now that I am back home, and have some time, I am reading some of the older posts. Just saying all this to explain why I am chiming in so late on this topic.

I truly believe what the article says, I feel that being involved in something helps to have positive feelings. Mike and I were both very involved in community theater. I often joke that I am the oldest living member of our theater company, having been involved since the mid 70s. I met Mike through the theater group. He auditioned for a play that I was assistant directing on, and the rest is history. He became the best actor and director in our group (and my husband also). I waited several months after his death before I felt I could really do much of anything. I directed a play 9 months after his death, and it was hard. He had always been there for me, and helped me with much of the direction. But do you know what, I really felt like he was there helping me. I also had a great cast that was very supportive. I have since directed another production, and been in several, and I love doing it. This was a love that both of us shared, and it makes me happy to continue acting and directing. I have said this before, and it does work for me. I keep busy doing something that was important to both of us, and for me it does help reinforce positive emotions.

Now I am going on way too long about this, but what I am trying to say, is that my involvment with the community theater and the arts council has been a positive in my life. I really do believe it is helping me to "heal". I still grieve for Mike, and I always will, but I try not to, as my Mom would have said, "waller" in it. What good purpose would it serve if I sat home and cried for Mike all the time. Would it bring him back, no; would it make me feel better, no; would it celebrate his life, no. Please don't misunderstand, I have my really bad days, days I don't want to see anyone. But I do have more good days than bad. Mike has been gone almost 18 months, sometimes it takes my breath away when I think about him being gone. How could someone with that much force and energy no longer be here. I truly believe he is somewhere, making them laugh, and making someone listen to the silly country music song he wrote! Miss him every day.

I really liked the article. It reinforces what I believe. You gotta get up off your chair and do something, anything. YOU gotta do it, no one can do it for you. (OK off soapbox now.)

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[HAP]

Dear Mary,

We missed you.

Peace,

Harry

[Queeniemary]

Thanks Harry, I missed the group also. You guys have my back and I know it.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[pbjb]

Tammy

I visited this website and it gives some very good information. I am only on week 10 of losing Jeff. But I am falling backwards instead of ahead. Hopefully I can try to implement some of these suggestions. His death falls into the catagory of knowing long before he died. But it still makes no difference if you know or not. The pain is just as severe because you get used to taking care of someone and now they are gone. We had no kids and friends and family are very supportive but not always here. So it is more difficult to get out of this funk I'm in now. That is why I love this site. It is a way to release the negative. Today I will try to release a little positive.