sunstreet Posted June 14, 2011 Report Share Posted June 14, 2011 Well, I am feeling both excited and afraid as tonight I will be speaking at a Suicide Prevention and Education Forum in my community. I have been a keynote speaker many times through my work at Diabetes Forums and I feel anxious but nothing like I do to go and speak tonight. I suppose I am an odd duck out because throughout my life I have always chosen to look at a tragedy that happened and find the good; what can I learn; how can I do it different next time; after I go through all the storms of loss. Suicide has been prevalent in my life and have been bereaved by suicide more times than I can scarcely accept at times. I myself thought that was the answer at one point in my journey after Melissa died. I have been advocating for suicide awareness and education in my community for some time and I am so proud that finally tonight all my effort is being rewarded with an opportunity to perhaps reach even one person who may choose life instead. I decided some time ago now that I can either succumb to all the pain of loss or I can choose to see the good that can come from tragedy if we are willing to see it. For me the loss of my Melissa has been the most devistating loss of all and tonight she will live through me. For me loosing Melissa was the most devistating loss of all and also the one loss that has given me the most triumph in me as a person. So, even though some may not understand my thinking but Melissa's choice to take her life; has saved mine: and I feel my life is worth saving. Melissa my love tonight is for you! Rest in Peace! Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perkins808 Posted June 14, 2011 Report Share Posted June 14, 2011 I like the way you think Carol Ann! Your life is definitely worth saving. I hope tonight brings you peace. Hugs, Tammy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksbeachbum Posted June 14, 2011 Report Share Posted June 14, 2011 Beautifully said Carol Ann. Becky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 14, 2011 Report Share Posted June 14, 2011 Amen ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 14, 2011 Report Share Posted June 14, 2011 Good luck, Carol Ann, we'll be there rooting for you in spirit! I wish I could hear you speak, I'm sure you'll have a lot of points that will stick with people. My George told me he tried to commit suicide when he was young, he wasn't successful and I'm so glad or I would have never met him and both of us would have missed out on the best parts of our lives. He taught me so much, I would have missed all that had he been successful with his attempt. I have felt suicidal many times in my life but have never attempted it...I just keep thinking, if a person goes through with it, they don't give life a chance to change or anything to get better and who knows what they might be missing out on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Amen, amen, amen. Do well tonight my friend. The spirit is in you. Let it sing. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 It is late and your talk is probably over...not sure where you are on this planet. What I am sure of is how you are using your pain, again, to reach out to others and possibly saving one or more lives by your brave choices. You go girl! I am with you. mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Nicholas Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Dear Carol, By coincidence, I have just finished reading this book; I was lucky to find a signed copy in a local shop: http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0375401458 I guess you know it; I found it extraordinarily informative and well written. I won't mention it to my GP as he'll probably section me. Take care Nicholas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted June 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Thank you one and all so very much! I am truly sorry but I have over slept and I have to be to work this morning for 9:30am and I have to get out the door. In short, it went so well last night and will write more after work. Thank you for your understanding.....until later.... I hold you all in gentle thought and prayer as you continue to weather your loss. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Thumbs up! We look forward to your report when you have a chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted June 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 I am feeling so good after last night and how well it went. I think that people liked what I had to say and I think that some were moved as I saw them tear up. I had some words all typed up and then just decided to not even look at them and tossed all my fear to the wind and just spoke from my heart. I don't know if I shared with you all or not but I love rocks and I always have a rock or two in my pocket; just little ones about half the size of an egg and each one has a word on it. Words such as trust, courage, hope, balance, harmony, believe, heart, carpe diem ~ seize the day, dream, friends, and many more and each day I carry the rock that most fits as to how I am feeling and what it is I need to focus on. Well, last night I had the rock believe in my pocket to remind me to believe in myself and to believe I have a right to use my voice. It is also helps me to feel the rock in my hand when I feel fear or anxious and keeps me in the present moment. Afterwards a young teen came up to me to say thank you and I felt so heartwarmed. I really felt like I made a difference to at least this teen; and caused me to think on my Melissa's client: also a teen who also chose suicide and I know Melissa struggled with it so much; blaming herself some; thinking she should have seen the signs. It was like coming full circle and this teen perhaps will choose life. I felt my Melissa's presence so much and how proud she was of me. The fellow I met at the memorial at the Funeral home this past winter whose wife also chose suicide came up from the city to attend and it was so good to connect with him again. He had to get away from our community: got a transfer into the city; and we talk on the phone about once a month or so now but it was so good to see him again in person. He says that I have a gift and that warmth radiates from me like the sun and I almost started to weep at that point as that is what Melissa always said about me. AFterwards I accepted an invite from two ladies who work at the Woman's Centre in my community to go out for dessert and coffee. My usual response would have been thank you but no; but that isn't what happened...I accepted and actually had a very good time and even had some laughs. My poor Cheekeh though he is not use to Mom having a social life so he was quite worried by the time I got home and wanted lots and lots of cuddles and love which was perfect because so did I. I did have some tears last night as I cuddled with my Cheekeh, not gut wrenching tears, but cleansing if that makes any sense. It is the oddest phenomenon but I use to think that as time passed I would feel farther and farther away from Melissa: our love, our life but it has turned out to be the opposite and I feel her closer than ever and just warms my heart. Thank you all again for your support of me and my walk without my Melissa in the physical sense any more. Nicholas, thank you for referencing the book and yes I have read it and it is good. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 16, 2011 Report Share Posted June 16, 2011 I have a gift and that warmth radiates from me like the sun What a wonderful and accurate affirmation for you, Carol Ann, and I hope you say it to yourself every day for the rest of your life. It's a perfect description of what you bring to all of us each time you post in our forums. Thank you for giving us a glimpse of what happened last night ~ I know we all were with you in spirit, and we're so proud of you on this morning after ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Dear Carol Ann, Nicely done. I know you reached more than one last night. But even if it were just one the nerves and worry would have been worth it. Your heart and patience leave me stunned. Bless you. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Carol Ann, You have traveled far on your journey and are setting examples of how we all must move forward, not to hurt any feelings but we all control our grief it does not control us unless we choose to let it, this I discovered about 3 months ago when I moved from our marital home to my own...this thing of years going by and no progress is a matter of the grief controlling the individual (my opinion), while we all move in different directions and pace I choose like you to turn things around like the saying making lemonade when you are given lemons in life....so keep the forward motion and I'm right here behind you, making lemonade, triumphing, and moving forward at God's speed....here is a saying that really touches on the progress aspect... NATS I walked a mile with Pleasure. She chattered all the way, But left me none the wiser For all she had to say. I walked a mile with Sorrow, And ne’er a word said she; But oh, the things I learned from her When Sorrow walked with me! —Robert Browning Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Carol Ann, I haven't heard about the rocks before but I think it's a great idea, one I might employ. I'm so glad you can share of yourself so openly, it makes such a difference in people's lives, I know it has here. I'm so glad it went well and also that you had a good time. I know what you mean about our pets missing us, I have a really full schedule in the next two weeks and I'm afraid about how my Arlie might handle it. As I said in another post, my mom was hospitalized with her heart and they learned she has Leukemia, what that means in the next year I'm not sure, one day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Kay, I'm so sorry to learn this news about your mom. We will keep her in our thoughts and prayers, for sure. Please keep us posted ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azbrian Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 Sorry to hear that about your Mom Kay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted July 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2011 I have a gift and that warmth radiates from me like the sun What a wonderful and accurate affirmation for you, Carol Ann, and I hope you say it to yourself every day for the rest of your life. It's a perfect description of what you bring to all of us each time you post in our forums. Thank you for giving us a glimpse of what happened last night ~ I know we all were with you in spirit, and we're so proud of you on this morning after ♥ Thank you so very much Marty. I will try to say this to myself each and every day and one day I hope I belief it every day.. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann ************************************* Dear Carol Ann, Nicely done. I know you reached more than one last night. But even if it were just one the nerves and worry would have been worth it. Your heart and patience leave me stunned. Bless you. Peace, Harry Dear Harry, Thank you so very much! I am sure that I reached more than one person too, I know that I reached one that night and three others came forward since and are now receiving the help that they need. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann ********************************** Carol Ann, You have traveled far on your journey and are setting examples of how we all must move forward, not to hurt any feelings but we all control our grief it does not control us unless we choose to let it, this I discovered about 3 months ago when I moved from our marital home to my own...this thing of years going by and no progress is a matter of the grief controlling the individual (my opinion), while we all move in different directions and pace I choose like you to turn things around like the saying making lemonade when you are given lemons in life....so keep the forward motion and I'm right here behind you, making lemonade, triumphing, and moving forward at God's speed....here is a saying that really touches on the progress aspect... NATS I walked a mile with Pleasure. She chattered all the way, But left me none the wiser For all she had to say. I walked a mile with Sorrow, And ne'er a word said she; But oh, the things I learned from her When Sorrow walked with me! —Robert Browning Dear Nats, Thank you so much and yes I have travelled far in my journey. I like you believe that we have the power to move through the grief of loss and that if we choose we can take our loss in life and use it for good and help others and our self, I have begun to understand that much of our pain is our own choosing and we can have a part in how it effects us; and that was quite liberating and healing for me. I love this Robert Browning poem as well. Thank you for the encouragement and support. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann ************************************ Carol Ann, I haven't heard about the rocks before but I think it's a great idea, one I might employ. I'm so glad you can share of yourself so openly, it makes such a difference in people's lives, I know it has here. I'm so glad it went well and also that you had a good time. I know what you mean about our pets missing us, I have a really full schedule in the next two weeks and I'm afraid about how my Arlie might handle it. As I said in another post, my mom was hospitalized with her heart and they learned she has Leukemia, what that means in the next year I'm not sure, one day at a time. Dear Kay, Yes, I do hope you try the rocks and I hope it is as helpful for you as it is for me. Thank you for letting me know that my sharing so openly makes a difference in peoples lifes here----sometimes I worry that I am to open and make some feel uncomfortable. Dear Kay, I am so sorry about your Mom---my thoughts and prayers are with you. Take good care of you. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 6, 2011 Report Share Posted July 6, 2011 Carol Ann, I appreciate your openness, but then I'm that way too. I know we can't always be open with everyone, but I will go ahead if I think it'll benefit anyone. About my mom...my mom is a very lost pathetic soul that has been unhappy all of her life...as well as making everyone around her miserable. I just hope that she doesn't have to continue too many more years, she doesn't want to be here and the older she gets (she's 89) the worse she gets. I hate to see her suffer unnecessarily. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted July 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2011 Dear Kay, Thank you, I appreciate your openness as well and I know that others here do as well so perhaps it is a benefit to be as open as feels right. I have you upon my heart a lot right now Kay knowing how hard suicide bereavement can be. I also appreicate and commend you for your ability to have compassion despite all you have been through with your Mother. That is something I think we both possess to be able to define someone beyond their shortcomings and not just by their shortcomings. You are a wonderful person Kay and any employer would be blessed to have you as an employee. I wish you every success. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Honestly, Carol Ann, I wished we lived nearby, I would count it a blessing to have you as a close friend. Just from all you have written, you are a remarkable person that I admire tremendously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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