A Cup Of Coffee

[Dimcl]

Whenever Glenn made himself a cup of coffee, he always asked if I wanted a cup of tea. Whenever I made myself a cup of tea, I always asked him if he wanted a coffee and the answer was invariably, "Yes, please", and I would make him one and take it to him.

Glenn's "favourite" old yellow cup is still in the cupboard and I smile to myself when I open the door, because that cup has to be 35 years old and his lower lip has left a permanent imprint on the edge. Whoever said that men aren't creatures of habit didn't know my Glenn!

Yesterday, however, I walked into the kitchen, merely thinking of making myself a cup of tea and I was hit by such a wave of grief that it nearly doubled me over and all's I could think of was how much I wanted to make Glenn a cup of coffee. I hadn't even opened the cupboard door yet and I've made myself hundreds of cups of tea since he left, but I came so close to making him that cup of coffee. Instead I just hung onto the counter and sobbed until I could barely stand up.

This is exactly the kind of thing that flies at me out of nowhere, that absolutely gut-wrenches me and that set me back weeks, if not months. I am so sick and tired of this, of having seemingly innocuous things come at me out of left field. I'm tired of being a prisoner to my emotions, especially to the ones that I don't even know are there until they suddenly slap me. I'm tired of missing him so desperately that it's a physical thing. I'm tired of doing "all the right things" of looking after the house and the yard and the bills and everything in my life. And quite frankly, I'm tired of even thinking I have a life. I go through the motions. I do everything that I should. But I have no life, no future. And then, to top it off, I can't even make myself a cup of tea without the grief hitting me like a sledgehammer. And I am so damned angry! Angry at him, angry at the doctors and the hospital, angry at myself (although I'm not sure why).

Oh, I could go on and on tonight, but I won't. I know you've all been there and that there's nothing to be done about it, but I guess I just need to rant. Thanks for listening.

Hugs.

Di

[Perkins808]

I am so sorry Di, I know how you feel. Jeff had a travel mug that he loved to drink his coffee out of everyday. I thought it was funny - it had a picture of a crab on it and it said "Leave me alone, I'm crabby". It was funny because I don't think I ever saw Jeff crabby!!

I think of all the things we go through in dealing with our grief, my least favorite are the emotions that sneak up without warning. I hate that feeling like I don't have control.

I hope that you are able to find some peace.

Hugs,

Tammy

[Susie Q]

Di

I know these feelings well. I would also give anything to be able to have a quiet cup of tea and a talk or laugh together.

My husband would only eat meat with a steak knife and some times, just in a mad panic to get dinner happening after work, I would set the table with ordinary cutlery. He would quietly get up and get a steak knife - never a reminder or a sarcastic comment, and when I apologised he would say "It's OK I have legs".

Yesterday I saw the steak knives in the drawer and burst into tears - just hating and admonishing myself for ever forgetting that he preferred to use them. I abandoned my unexciting dinner and went to bed in a sad and teary fog.

Today I put the steak knives away - but it's probably not possible to hide from these triggers. I've seen those knives at least daily in the last 20 months, so why last night did they send me in a tailspin and who knows what the cause of the next one is going to be?...Susie Q

[mfh]

I so understand your pain. I so understand the waves that come in and knock you (and me) over without warning of any kind. And Bill had a favorite mug also...and he made me tea every day many times and he had coffee. And I made him coffee when I made tea. I am glad you can rant and vent. We need to do that. It is cleansing and helps especially when people who get it are listening. Today I started working with a new printer for my publication and he and I did not do well and I sobbed all the way home. I have no defenses and feel raw and vulnerable and I believe you do also. When we are vulnerable it is a step from anger sometimes because we are tired of pain and anger at least energizes us a bit...makes me feel a bit less vulnerable. I am not angry at Bill but I am angry that all this happened and you are also. Rant away...you speak for all of us or most of us at least. We listen and embrace you. Tonight I went to a play. We (still a we) live 5 minutes from a very popular outdoor Shakespearean theater in the woods. It was a comedy and while the audience of about 1500 were laughing I was crying. It just happens....the price of loving so deeply...and I know you and I would do it all over again. mfh

[Cheryl]

I also have been crippled for hours and days by triggers. I have really struggled with my inability to control my radical emotions. It seems like the months after my husbands death I was able to juggle so many horrible things. The selling of his business, the taxes getting caught up, the selling of his boat and camper ect.... It seems like I was juggling so much! Now something as simple as his handwriting scribbled on a notepad will require an hour of wailing, a half bottle of wine and in bed by 9:00 to recover from. I've talked to my counselor and she tells me this is part of the process. But I also am really worn out, angry and sad that despite all my hard work at grieving that it just never ends! But it does help knowing that many of you are feeling similar. Thanks!

[azbrian]

Waves and triggers........

Something we have to learn to deal with and when you can conquer one or keep it at bay a new one starts, at least for me.

I have been getting emotional driving home after job interviews. So far not before !!!!

It happened again today after my job interview. I think it has to have something to do with I was trying so hard to get a job and get us back on track when she was alive that I feel guilty because I failed.

[HAP]

Dear Brian,

You did not fail. You did all you humanly could. That is not failure. That is love.

Peace,

Harry

[Guest Nicholas]

Such poignant memories indeed: Thanomsil (occasionally) used to say "cuf of tea for Daddy?", but curiously enough it often coincided with a request for pocket money (or feelings of guilt, I suspect)!

[new]

Dear Di,

These little things are the ones that are so painful to lose for me also. I think they are the gestures that remind us of our love, companionship and a friendship that we shared with them. I too would love to be able to fix that cup of coffee as I fix mine like I use to, or he would bring me a cup if he was in the kitchen first. Those triggers come from anywhere and we never know which one is going to set us off today. Wishing you good thoughts and memories today that make you smile.

Pat

[nats]

Brian,

There's days I feel the same way, did you ever think maybe the wave that's been hitting you may be Ruth's sadness that your feeling because she is upset you are feeling the stress of finding a job?, I have been told and read our loved ones reach out to us when they are feeling sad, missing us, and feeling dispair.....tears are not a bad thing they help us heal see below......

From Wiki....

"Tears produced during emotional crying have a chemical composition which differs from other types of tears. They contain significantly greater quantities of the hormones prolactin, adrenocorticotropic hormone, Leu-enkephalin and the elements potassium and manganese....

William H. Frey II, a biochemist at the University of Minnesota, proposed that people feel "better" after crying, due to the elimination of hormones associated with stress, specifically adrenocorticotropic hormone. This, paired with increased mucosal secretion during crying, could lead to a theory that crying is a mechanism developed in humans to dispose of this stress hormone when levels grow too high".

I also miss my morning coffee with my Ruth, she did not drink coffee until she got sick then we spent many days having our coffee and just being together, damm I miss those days...but now the days I spend with Brenda we share our coffee and remember our spouses, there is indeed a reason for everything....

NATS

[kayc]

It hit me just yesterday too...after all this time, but I'll write about it elsewhere, I don't want to take your thread.

It's things like that coffee cup that remind us so much...

[azbrian]

Harry and Nats,

Thank you

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Di,

It happens to al of us. I took Pauline to Pain Management for so many years, and I have been treated there after 2 bad car accidents. After Pauline passed I had a low impact accident, my fault which is very common with people grieving. Every time I go which is once a month I cry every time. It is hard for the staff there also to see me without Pauline. I just cannot control it. When I get into the room and the nurses come in the tears start. It is just part of the grieving process we all go through.

Dwayne