Dwaynecg Posted June 25, 2011 Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 Hello Everyone Today is Pauline's 4 month anniversary of her Passing. I have spent the day quiet by myself. At 2:30 PM I lit a candle, and watched the DVD I made of her live. I played it at her memorial I had for her. She had donated her body to science. I a year or maybe a little longer I will get her ashes back. I also cried many tears today. I was very fortunate to have had her I my life for 33 years. In the end the MS took her real fast and her final days I kept her pain free thanks to hospice. Pauline was on hospice for 3 weeks. It was the best decision that we made. I am not as emotional as I was at 3 months. I think the medication like anti depressant is helping me. I have been better able to cope today than I thought I would have. I checked in with Greg this morning to see if he needed anything. He said he was all set, and thanked me for the call. So I must be heading in the right direction now. In part to the support I have gotten from being on here. To that I say THANK YOU TO EVERYONE for listening to me. God Bless to Everyone here on HOV Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azbrian Posted June 25, 2011 Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 I am happy that today is going okay for you............. Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 25, 2011 Report Share Posted June 25, 2011 Dwayne, So glad the day was quietly spent and that it was not as bad as you anticipated. How nice to light a candle and watch your DVD. Peace to your heart. I hold you in the light. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted June 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 Thank you Brian and Mary, Yes today was a good day. I really felt at peace all day. Only tears were watching the DVD. although I really do miss her and wish she could be with me, but she was suffering to much pain and she had said many time she wanted the pain to go away. Rest easy MY LOVE I will be with you again. God Bless Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted June 26, 2011 Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 Dwayne, The journey levels out trust me...we can help by being positive as we discover our life without our spouses...what I have found is small changes in decor, lighting, and habits make the journey smoother.....it's good you can watch the DVD I do the same, keep moving forward I have and do read all the posts here and your doing well....just as Pauline would have wanted I'm sure, so take it slow keep the momentum and may you continue to heal.... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 26, 2011 Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 My thoughts & prayers are with you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just one more hug Posted June 26, 2011 Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 Dwayne..at 3 1/2 months since Bill passed and his pictures bring me much comfort...like your DVD..although don't feel I would be strong enough to actually watch a moving picture of him... you are brave...His pictures are plastered all over my computer and they get lots of kisses. Wishing you strength as we journey down this road we did not want to take. 33 years together is such a blessing...although going through this...its never enough is it? After 54 years. I don't know how to live alone...but guess I will have to learn ...and I will. One thing that fasinates me about this site is realizing that it's not just the widow that suffers...the husbands suffer the same with the loss of a wife. Guess its just not shared as much with men as with women. Have wondered how Bill would have taken it had things been reversed. His suffering would not have been less as our love for each other was strong... to ba able to share your pain as you have...it's a good thing...but Bill would not be one to go online to seek help or comfort...How do they ever get through it??? I remember when my Mom died...Dad had an awful time expressing his grief aloud to anyone..even though we knew he was in pain...Bless you for having the courage to share...it's got to help. Sorry I got off track...I tend to think too much.....Carol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksbeachbum Posted June 26, 2011 Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 Dwayne: I hope and pray that you got through the day with gentle passing and memories of Pauline. Thinking of you. Becky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted June 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 Thank you everyone for your warm thought and well wishes. Yes it was a very peaceful day. One of the best days I had in a long time. Today I was invited to a party at Pauline's younger sister home about a 40 mile drive. I was not sure if I would go or not because of the Foley. I decided to go all Pauline's family was there. When I mentioned that yesterday was her 4 month date of her passing. It was like they all had me wanting to go on a trip for 2-3 weeks. I guess they could not see the progress I have made. I did not cry. I kindly told them no I do not want to travel at this time. I have my health to take care of and I will be starting classes some time in July. And I love being in our apartment, that it doesn't bother me. I told the what does bother me is no calls from them and no support from them. Only Dad calls me at lest once a week. I get more help and support from here people I have never met, but they all understand what I am going through. Yes men grieve also. Pauline and I were so close and we loved each other so much we always showed it where ever we went. Not to many couples have what we had. I know Mary did because it came when you are not looking, and when you look into there eyes the first time you know that you have found you soul mate. I am glad that God brought Pauline an I together. Yes it is hard not having her, but she is always with me. I want to so bad to get the classes started. It will just take a little time. Thank you, and God Bless All of You Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 27, 2011 Report Share Posted June 27, 2011 Dwayne, dear ~ I just read an article that made me think of you: Male Nurses Find Hospice Work Rewarding Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 27, 2011 Report Share Posted June 27, 2011 Hi Dwayne, I am glad you could be true to yourself and do what you need to do. I agree that family is not always the great source of support. People who have been through what we have been through understand. Today I got a phone call from a former client of Bill's (He and I are therapists). She and her husband saw Bill many times together and she said when she learned of his death, they both sat and sobbed. I sobbed as she told me. It made me realize again how blessed we were and of course how much this loss hurts. She said that they felt that Bill and I were truly like one being. She said even if I was not in the room, she could feel my connection to Bill. It was a gift to me...for her to say this. I understand your pain and I, too, like being in our home...it feels the peaceful here. I hope you are well soon and that your classes are a good experience for you. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted June 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 27, 2011 MartyT, Thank you for sending me to that site. I really can reflect with those 2 male nurses. One male nurse named Paul came over to check Pauline . I had call hospice because I thought she was in distress. When I saw him I wondered about a male nurse, but he was the most kind and gentle nurse she had during her time in hospice. His mannerisms reminded him of myself. He spoke very softly like I do and asked her before he did any thing with her. I did not think Pauline would remember him, but she remembered his name and the kindness he showed to her. By the time he left he had reassured me she was fine and I was doing everything right. Compared to a young female nurse who saw Pauline the next visit. She spoke very load and a little pushy when she started to do something like take her temp. Pauline did not like her and told her to leave. She did and had not even looked at the bag on the Foley. I called hospice and told them Pauline isn't use to people talking loud like that nurse had done. The same night another nurse had to come out because the Foley was blocked. She could not believe that the other nurse did not even look at the bag. She showed me what to do and how to put in a new Foley if needed in the middle of the night. I know I will do good in my classes. It has been so long sense I was in school I am a little nerves. Thanks again. Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 27, 2011 Report Share Posted June 27, 2011 Dwayne, dear, with all the surgeries I've endured over the years, I've been cared for by many, many nurses. Some of the kindest, gentlest and most respectful of them were of the male gender. I am certain that, if you follow your dream, you will make a terrific nurse one day. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted June 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 27, 2011 Thank you Mary, It sounds like you and Bill had that same one of a kind of connection that Pauline and I had. People saw us the same way as you described. Surely not family but Pauline's friend Donna and then Greg, but also the Doctors and nurses and even the parking attendant at the hospital saw us as one. They were very sadden when I went to the hospital they automatically went and opened her door but she was not there. I think the family closed there eyes to her and forgot to see the good she had left even until the end. My father in-law said I gave her a great life and he could not have asked for better. Now it seems different with him He is old school and I am not. What he thinks I should do is what he done after Pauline's Mother passed. That's not what I want and he doesn't understand that. So I hold my ground and move on with what I want to do, and right now is my health the going to school. MartyT I will try my best to become a great nurse. Someone Pauline could have been proud of. God Bless Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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