Bad Day

[mfh]

Well, it has been one of those days...waves of grief, emotional crashes, buckets of tears. Ironically I have an infection in my left eye and tears keep running out of it....in addition to the tears from crying.

So it took me until 5pm to get energy and motivation to get groceries in. After crying my way through the grocery store, I got in line behind a couple about my age (71). At first I felt sad as I wanted Bill to be at my side. But this guy in front of me was being a real jerk to his wife, making sarcastic remarks, stupid jokes to her and to me, and barking orders at her. She all but cowered and left to pull the car around at his orders. He turned to me and said, "Stay single". I could not resist. I wanted to embarrass him. I said, "My husband just died". He paused, made another stupid remark and walked out. I said to the young kid at the register that it was my intention to embarrass him but it failed. I should have known. The kid said, "I would have been embarrassed. How long since your husband died? I am sorry. Is it ok to ask?" My eyes are now full of tears again and he was a tiny bit uncomfortable. I told him that he was very kind and that it is almost always better to take a risk and say something. He said, "I did not want to hurt your feelings." I really praised him for what he was saying and for who he was. He is very unusual..and just a kid.

I cried all the way home. My girlfriend called as they just got home from her husband's father's funeral. She said, "I get it now. I sent emails to some people when Rob's Dad died. I had to cancel meetings, etc. Most did not even mention the death when they answered the email." I could not believe it. Ironically she rarely says anything to me anymore or responds when I email her about my pain.

Well, I hope I have emptied the tears out for now...not sure...never am. Thanks for listening folks. Mary

[sad]

Mary,

If I could, I'd give you a big hug. Sorry you had a bad day. I'll say a prayer tonight for your future happiness. That almost sounds funny doesn't it? I do hope you find peace with life as you know it now. That sounds better. Peace with life is all we can ask for. Kathy

[mfh]

I agree, Kathy, peace with life is our goal. I don't feel good about embarrassing that guy as he is probably in more pain than all of us put together....he just does not know it. But I gave in to the shadow part of me. Thank you, Kathy. It is so nice to call you Kathy. Thank you for your thoughtfulness. Appreciated. Take care and see if you can go outside somewhere tomorrow...a grocery store a long way from home. Mary

[HAP]

Dear Mary,

Some times people are idiots. And this abusive wing-nut needed a swift kick to a specific part of his anatomy. You tried to deliver that swift kick, but he was too blind to have any impact on. The grocery kid deserves all the praise you could heap on him. He probably sees that kind of idiot on a regular basis--and is generally abused and has to take it.

Your compassion--even when you were in a tough state--has always marked you out. Thank you for being you.

And Kathy, thanks for giving Mary the hug she needed today.

And Mary, there is no dark side to trying to defend someone who is being abused. People like this guy make my blood boil.

Peace,

Harry

[Guest Nicholas]

Dear Mary,

If it is any consolation, I also had a bad day, Sundays/Mondays are always difficult, as my son would go away at the weekend and return on Sunday or Monday, hopefully with books he had found for me at the local sale. Now nobody returns, except for me to any empty "home".

Metta

Nicholas

[melina]

Mary,

I'm sorry you're having a rotten day. I'm in a different time zone, so this was going on while I was sleeping. Sundays are usually the worst day of the week for me, I hope Monday is a little better for you. What can you do about insensitive people? Not much. I try to avoid them as much as possible, but even friends and family can be insensitive, so we soldier on. We're all in this together....

Melina

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Mary,

I am so sorry that you had such a bad. I see jerks like that guy all the time. It makes me so mad how a person can be so cruel to other people. You done the right thing trying to embarrass him. The guy just a jerk and probably has been all his life. He probably learned that type of behavior from his father.

You did get bless to have a casher that took the time to open his heart to you. There are some people you run into that can give you kind words at the time you need them the most. I have had strangers give more kindness and comfort than family does.

I wish you peace and comfort today. I will say a pray for you. You have helped me so much in my time of need. I only hope I can do the same. I hold you in my arms and rest you head on my shoulders, let it all come out until you ease your pain.

God Bless,

Dwayne

[ksbeachbum]

Mary:

So sorry you have to experience such a butthead BUT I will have to give the guy a pass. I think I used to be one of those type of people looking back. Sometimes you have so much on your plate it just has to come out somewhere. Before my spouse got sick, I was commuting 45 miles each way, 90 miles a day. My sister and father were having health issues and I was 3 plus hours away. I was responsible for 40 employees in a court system, and we didn't have enough employees to do the job and of course no money plus dealing with many independent judges. Stress was high for all kinds of reasons and I felt like I didn't have enough time in the day to do what I really needed to do... take care of family. I felt trapped and had to stay until my first opportunity at retirement. I had 31 years invested, hard to walk away. I was not as patience with people as I should have been because of too much on my plate. Now that I am on the other side of this... I hope God can forgive me for that and some of my actions. Many times we just need to slow down and define our priorities. I didn't, BUT I am now. Hoping it isn't too late. Feeling regrets today.

Blessings

Becky

[nats]

Hello Mary,

I sure can relate to your feelings and frustration, even as I move forward with such positive energy some days I have to kick myself into gear as one of those waves hits me from behind and knocks be down, but I get up, dry myself off and move on sometimes at a slower pace but I do...I have one of those jobs in Retail where I see a lot of unhappy people and the amount of couples that seem to be in total misery causes me to just shake my head, I wish this on no one but if they could spend 5 minutes in our shoes I'm positive they would have an attitude change...keep your head up, this is a new day, try and find a comfort zone and let yesterday pass....

NATS

[mfh]

Thank you all for your feedback and support. Yesterday was tough. It was Sunday, that makes it tough to begin with and it helped to know I had a place to dump some of that stuff and that you all would support me. We are all in tough spots in our lives...spots that in many ways are ours forever.

Today is a rainy Monday in Wisconsin...frankly I welcome the rain. I also have a ton of work today as I prepare my August issue for publication. This week preceding the 15th is always really busy for me....but not busy enough that grieving and tears get crowded out...nothing seems to stop those tears and the grief.

I hope all of you have a week that is even a bit better than last week. Nicholas...I understand that emptiness..no one coming home. I think we all do. Becky, it sounds like your job was so stressful at a stressful time...I doubt very much you acted like this guy did.

Peace

Mary

[Queeniemary]

Mary, sorry you had such a bad day yesterday. Some people are just jerks, aren't they? Glad. you are getting some rain in Wisconsin, here in Arkansas in the Ozarks, it is hot hot and dry dry. Would welcome some rain. Have to get out and water my azaleas and Mike's dogwood trees every morning. You and I are about the same age, and have been widows about the same length of time. It is not an easy journey, one day you think you are doing pretty good, and the next you may fall apart for awhile. We just keep putting one foot in front of another. Thinking about you today, and praying for peace for you, and all of us.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Hi Mary

Thank you for your response. I agree...one day really down and the next fair. None good yet. We have needed rain for a long time now. It has been in the 90s with a heat index of up to 111...very humid. Hope we get some more and I hope you get some..but not too much. We do not need floods. Mary

[Cheryl]

HI Mary,

I'm sorry that sunday was rough. But thankyou for sharing the painfulness with us. It really helped me to read that I am not the only one struggling with bad days. I had a really bad day also. I think it was because I was so tired and worn out from all the house and yard cleaning on saturday. When I am tired I am an emotional mess. I didn't even get out of bed on sunday, except to cook for the kids. I sent my daughter to the grocery store and just flipped channels and cried. I really missed my old life and I felt like such a failure, unable to pull it together. I felt guilty that my kids will not have an intact family with a mom and a dad to raise them. It is so hard to have your life plans destroyed. I keep thinking that I should have been able to make that day different. If only I had asked more questions and insisted that we meet for lunch. Just maybe we would still be together.

When I decided to read a few posts, your post took my breath away. I felt like I could be writing it. I hate beng blind sided by grief and the steps backward often feel like miles. My therapist told me to except the idea that I was not done mourning my husband and the life we shared. I saw your pain and realized that I am not the only one.

thanks, cheryl

[Dwaynecg]

Hi Mary,

Just wishing you well today. My day not so good, computer problem, but Dell got it fixed remotely. Glad for the warranty. I have my AC in the kitchen now and the friends next door will look after my little dog sugar, and the birds while I am in the hospital. You never know where and when you find the help you need.

I pray your days are better now and you have found some peace.

God Bless

Dwayne

[kayc]

Mary,

I don't know how I missed this thread, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had such a bad day! Please accept my hugs.

Let's hope your friend truly does "get it" now, although it's not the same as losing a spouse. Let's hope it makes her more empathetic.

I think a lot of people don't mention your loss of your spouse not because they don't care but maybe because they feel helpless as they don't know what to say/do, so they go into total avoidance...of you, of the subject, etc. Almost as if they don't look or address it, the problem doesn't exist. I lost everyone except my family when George died, I was truly amazed by that! None of my neighbors, friends, George's family, etc. came by to help or console once his funeral was over, I was truly left on my own except for my family checking in. My daughter stayed with me two weeks and my son a week (he was in the Air Force at the time). My sister Peggy helped with calling and arrangements, then everyone was gone. It's the lonely months/years afterwards that's hard. At least at first we have shock, but once reality sets in, and you realize this is your life now, well, it's tough.

It's six years later and now I'm one armed for a while...no one here to help me open jars, do yard work, drive me places, vacuum, walk the dogs, or anything else I need done. I'm trying to job search but still have to wear a sling and typing wears me out. I work on Mondays still and those are a killer. I just had very bad news yesterday and until I can get my arm looked at by an orthopedist, I won't know the outcome or what has to be done. So many people say, "oh yeah, I broke my left arm once..." yeah but it was their LEFT arm, not their right, and they were retired, not trying to work or find a job, and they had a husband to help them with everything! Just a little bit of difference. It can leave you feeling so alone when you can't do the least little task. If George was here, he'd be doing everything and giving me empathy to boot. I mean everything! I was so lucky to have had him.