Deathopobic

[ksbeachbum]

Good morning:

Last night my spouse's younger brother and family were to stay the night on their way to Illinois to visit family. They stayed about two hours and I arranged a for a motel room for them down the road. Said they weren't tired and wanted to get down the road further. Later Brian called and said he was having a hard time in my house without Randy being there. I said welcome to my world. I also have a hard time with it but it is reality.

My only sister that lost her 13 year old to suicide used to call these people "deathaphobs". People that don't want to be around you because it is reality slapped in their face that their family member isn't here anymore or maybe you give out death vibs. I don't know. Yesterday was an emotional day for me and maybe I scared them off with that. He gave me a big hug from him and a bigger hug from Randy. He said he got a message from Randy to make sure he hugged me. Of course that brought on the flood of tears. I feel badly but I understand. I hope it won't be this way between his family and me for very long.

Sorry about these kind of posts. I vowed to only write positive stuff on here, but some days it is exceptionally hard to find it. I will try to do better this week with my upcoming son's wedding.

Blessings and peace

Becky

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Becky,

You are not alone when it comes family. Pauline and experienced this for the last 4-5 years of her life. Her family literally pulled away from her. I broke my heart to see this. I held her in my arms and said " I know this hurts you but it is not you, it is them who have to search their soul. Maybe it is a busy life but it is not your fault in any way".

Now that she passed I do not get calls or even have any of her family come over for a visit. Even my family all out west do not call even though I beg them to. I want to talk to them. I call leave messages and still no call back. It is very frustrating I agree. It may even be hard for them, but it is HELL for us. I have my friend and my church they are my family now. I was just at church with Donna today and it was great. I feel so good to have some like Donna and Greg that loves me and help me, and in turn I help them as much as I can. It is your brother in-law who has a lot of soul searching to do, just like Pauline's family. THEY JUST DO NOT GET IT!!!!

We do that is why we keep coming back to this wonderful place HOV.

God Bless you Becky, my he ease your pain and comfort your broken heart and soul

Your Friend

Dwayne

[Perkins808]

Oh how well I can relate to this Becky. It was about 5 months before any of Jeff's family would step foot in my house. I would hear how hard it would be for them, too many reminders, etc. Well, guess what? It was just as hard for me, but I didn't have a choice! Their were reminders of him in every square inch of our house and yard.....but I had to deal with this on a daily basis. It was also hard for me to go to other family members houses.....so many reminders of Jeff there too, but I sucked it up and went because it was the right thing for me to do.

Another thing that really took a while to come to grips with - not only did people avoid coming to my house because it held so many memories of Jeff, they often avoided ME because I was a constant reminder that Jeff was gone. Jeff and I did everything together. It was a very rare occasion that people saw one of us without the other, so to see me walk into a room....people always expected to see Jeff close behind.

And another thing - don't ever feel like you have to apologize when your posts aren't positive. It's how we deal with things, and everyone here understands that. I try to stay positive for the most part, but it's absolutely impossible to be positive all the time, or even the majority of the time when you are dealing with such grief.

Hugs,

Tammy

[dave s]

funny I have had the same experience, Mike and I always enjoyed a wide circle of what i considered very good friends, since this has happened I am lucky to hear from half a dozen people on a regular basis and usually it is my family or Mikes that do the checking on me.......and no one comes to the house...have learned who my true friends are now.........yeah I get it they have their own lives, but they dont get what it is like coming home to him gone.........And how are we to stay positive all the time? We have a tremendous weight around our hearts........getting to the point where i hate feeling good as the I know that the "fall" is right around the corner....this rollercoaster ride of emotions sucks! Dave

[mfh]

Becky, it is ok, very ok, to write painful negative stuff...that is what this forum is about. When you do it others feel freer to share and get in touch with their pain. I am sorry about what happened. Some people are just fearful and do not know what to do with their feelings. Take care, Mary

[HAP]

Dear Becky,

I can, for the most part, only echo what the others have already said. My in-laws rarely visit either here or the cemetery. They are so far up that river in Egypt some days I want to scream.

And the negatives come when they come. Sharing them lessens their power over us. Speak what is there and don't sweat it. We have all either been there or will be there at some point. I try very hard to find a positive in every day, But there are days I see nothing but pain.

We cannot control how others act. We can only sometimes control our own reactions. They do not mean to be hurtful. They have their own grief to deal with and, I think sometimes, part of their terror of us is that our grief so overpowers theirs that they do not know what to do.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

Becky, I don't hear from George's brothers and sisters and his dad only called once, to badmouth him a year after he died (he didn't bother to attend his funeral). He was second oldest of 11 kids and only one preceded him in death and all but one live close enough to drive to the service, yet only three attended. Amazing. George was there for any and all of them whenever he could be. I didn't know there was a word for people like that.

[Deb625]

Becky,

What I've found on this journey (14 months in) is amazing people, like all of you here and my family and friends. There are people who allow me to speak of Michael in the "present", he would have "like that", would have found "that funny", there are some that think talking about him only brings more pain for me and them and they don't want to feel it and don't "get" that it, they don't get that this is my everyday that I miss him. Then there are others, who don't get it at all and death could easily be equated to breaking a pair of shoes - you just go and buy a new pair - why aren't you over it? It doesn't make people bad, they are people and we are all different. As we know, we all go through this in our own way. Others who haven't experienced grief as intimitly as us, go through this their way - as best they know how. So, I try to just understand, empathise and be grateful for the people who continue to hold me close and let me grieve, the others I still need in my life, but just not in the same way. I know no one has been intentionally cruel, though I have had things said that were cruel - did they say those things because of their own pain and their inability to deal? I don't know. What I do know is I have to work on me and so much of this journey has been just keeping one foot in front of the other. So, I try not to take on "what others should do for me" and just be grateful for the "good" that has happened and the good around me. Take care, Deb