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Thanx Amy I appreciate that...it's a feeling that nobody knows until they go thru it yet they tell you constantly it will be ok...but they can't feel what you feel,I am sorry about your mom I lost my mother to heart disease,she was 55,so it's a very hard pill for me to swallow that she is GONE...just completely except for the memories in my head

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Hi Sadcandy. Glad you found this site. I'm not so sure that a deceased parent is really 'GONE'. My own mother may no longer be a living physical being, but she is strongly present in my life. She is there whenever I am in trouble and need moral guidance. Her character traits are enduring and still serve as a model for my own behavior. She still influences what I think, do, and say every single day. Other members of my family are also linked into her 'continuing presence'; I don't know how else to describe it. My mother's existence now is more than mere 'memories'. It's a living-legacy that still exercises a strong influence on both family and friends.

So 'dead' no longer means 'gone' for me. I have been able to rethink some of my root convictions about life and death. I now choose to believe strongly in the concept of a parent's 'living legacy'; this helps guide me through grief.

I don't mean to pick at your words; I'm just saying that we can broaden our thinking about parental loss. In a thousand ways our parents are still with us.

Ron B.

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Sadcandy, I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. It is a life changing experience to lose a parent. I have lost both parents, friends, and more recently the love of my life, my husband, Bill. Grieving these losses for all of us is a long challenging journey. Each day we take steps on this path, cry our tears, cherish our memories, look to the future. It is tough. It demands patience and brings about growth....

I also agree with Ron that my Bill is with me every single day. I truly believe he is with me in spirit and in my memories and in who I am because of sharing 36 years with him. I feel his kindness when I feel like being unkind. I am aware of his deep commitment to loving everyone when I would like to exclude. (Markham's quote was beyond a favorite for him-he lived it. He drew a circle that shut me out —Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout. But Love and I had the wit to win: We drew a circle that took him in.) I remember how he would notice the beauty of a cloud, the tears of a friend and so much more. I am a better person because of him (and he would say he is better because of me). Take your journey a day at a time, grieve your loss, come here often and let us embrace you.

Peace, Mary mfh

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Hello Sadcandy, I lost my Mom as well on June 29 of this year. The pain is still there, more present now than ever I assume because of the holidays. I cannot say it any better than the wonderful people on this board. They have encouraged me. Best of all, I realized that my feelings and behaviors were not so unusual after all. It truly is a day at a time. Good days will come and then a bad one will creep up out of the blue. Bless you in this painful journey we are all right there with you!

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sadcandy,

Im so sorry to hear of your loss. I to lost my mom back on May 31st. Its been almost six months and the closer the holidays come the harder it is for me to get through the days. I am a single mom of three who is trying to make the most out of the holidays for my kids. If it was up to me I would curl up in bed and hibernate till the holidays were over.

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Hi - I too just lost my Mom on Oct 14 2011. I still have my 91 yr old father who's behaviors are making it nearly impossible for me to grieve. When I am alone, or with my husband I can cry or remember wonderful moments with my mom - she was such a big part of my life for all of my 65 years. She faded aways with complications of Alzheimer's - 7 weeks of watching her starve was worse than the 7 years of the dementia. I know the sorrow, pain & loss I feel will ease over time - I give myself permission to cry and do when I can. The most difficult situation for me is dealing with my negative, difficult, self-absorbed father - does anyone have trouble with the surviving parent? I am glad to find a site to talk, listen & learn - hope I can add something of benefit for others & recieve some comfort, support & idea. Thanks.

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Dawn, dear, you might take a look at these resources, which you'll find listed on Grief Healing's Death of a Parent and CareGiving pages:

Article, Helping Your Grieving Parent

Article, Caregivers Struggle When Parents Age

Book, Elder Rage, or Take My Father, Please!

Blog, The New Old Age: Caring for Aging Parents

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  • 3 weeks later...

I lost my mom October 4,2010. The holidays weren't bad last year. I now realize that it because i was still in a state of shock or just numb. It took months and months for me to begin to feel normal again. Then came the anniversary of her death and something happened to me. Now the holidays are depressing me even more. I'm beginning to realize that maybe I didn't deal with her death. Instead I buried all of my pain, grief, and sorrow down as deep as i could. I am the queen of ignore it and it will go away. Well i ignored it and guess what....it didn't go anywhere. It's still here and hurts just as much. If i gave any advice to anyone it would be this...deal with the pain and heartache now. Grief is a process that you need to work through. I'm still trying to find my way so I wish you the best of luck in finding your way through it. Time doesn't heal all wounds...it makes them more bearable.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi - I too just lost my Mom on Oct 14 2011. I still have my 91 yr old father who's behaviors are making it nearly impossible for me to grieve. When I am alone, or with my husband I can cry or remember wonderful moments with my mom - she was such a big part of my life for all of my 65 years. She faded aways with complications of Alzheimer's - 7 weeks of watching her starve was worse than the 7 years of the dementia. I know the sorrow, pain & loss I feel will ease over time - I give myself permission to cry and do when I can. The most difficult situation for me is dealing with my negative, difficult, self-absorbed father - does anyone have trouble with the surviving parent? I am glad to find a site to talk, listen & learn - hope I can add something of benefit for others & recieve some comfort, support & idea. Thanks.

Dawn,

i can understand how hard it was for you to watch her go through that. my dad had cancer, but for the last 5 weeks he went from 127pds to 97pds. he really didn't eat very much at all for the last few weeks and wasn't drinking much either. the whole journey was hard to watch, but the last 5 months when things went from him being okay & "normal" for him to him being completely dependent on others and in the hospital/hospice/long term nursing care was so hard.

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