No Words

[terp8r]

I wish I was as eloquent as everyone else. I just don't have any words, only a throat closing, heart hurting sadness that I can't escape. I just miss him so much

[mfh]

We are not much into eloquent but we are into honesty and your words are gut wrenching honest....and I understand because I miss my Bill so much. Peace Mary

[terp8r]

Thank you Mary, this is my first Christmas and every where I go I see happy couples and I'm so jealous. It's just been a bad week. I'll be thinking of everyone on this forum and wishing peace for us all

[melina]

Even eloquence can't describe the pain grief inflicts upon us. It's hard all the time, but especially during the holidays. And especially when those holidays are all about being together and everyone being "merry".

Hang in there - that's what the rest of us are trying to do.

Melina

[Susie Q]

Thinking of you as you head into the first Christmas abyss.

I can't say that the third feels any easier for me, except that I know I will get through it, just as you will.

[nats]

Terp8r,

This my second Christmas since Ruth passed but I have learned much about this grieving process the last year....we must think positve memories during these times and remember the good times we were blessed with in the past, yes this does cause some pain reliving those memories but it allows us to heal and progress forward on this journey, I see so many focusing on the negative aspect of our spouses being gone which is OK to some extent as it is indeed a fact but we need not dwell on it so hard, I say this I did this for about 3 months and found myself on a downward spirial to no where, dreading each day...but I then understood each of our spouses that we loved so much would not have wanted us living this dreadful life of grief, I am really thnakful I'm the grieving spouse not Ruth I focus on that when I really feel down and somehow my thoughts change, so hard as it may be somehow, someway, we must find a bright spot in each day, and remember happy thoughts as they will excel us thru this journey...

here is a quote that helps at times....

NATS

"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure"

Unsure Of Author

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Terp8r,

My heart breaks for yours. I miss Pauline so much also, my heart aches for her. I see happy couples and I have to look away, but for me the last 4-5 years of her life we rarely went out for pleasure anyway. When it came to the gift buying, Pauline would do that on the computer, the rest of the shopping I had done that for years, but I never noticed the other happy couple out there until this year, and yes it does bother me. I think that is why I keep so busy doing one ting right after the other. Like yesterday, up at 5, studding for my final on Monday. Then going over my song that we sang last night. That took me until about 10:00, went to the store for some brain food. Up to my friends Greg's, who was having a down day, I brought him and I some good and healthy food, he thought he should be out raking leaves instead of in bed healing, by the time I left he realized, bed at that time is where he needed to be, who cares about the leaves. Back home at 2:00 PM, study some more, feed my little dog, fish, sugar glider, the two birds food ready for today, dressed and out to church by 4:45, sang, watched the play, ate food over there home at 9:45. Study until 12:30 AM, Up at 4:30, a quick run though of my studied guide, on HOV, I will study until 7:30 eat shower, shave, be out the door by 9 to church to sing again, after service a full dress rehearsal for 2 1/2 hours, then off to a rehabilitation/ nursing home to sing our whole program. I will be home around 5:30-6 eat and study the rest of the night until 11:00 sleep, up at 4:00 study more school by 8:25 study until 9 then about 9:15 the final exam. Right now I am very close to 100% that is 350 out of 350 terms. Then I can breath and relax again.

God Bless

Dwayne

P. S. 7:35 EST. I knew this morning my was fried. To many terms. As I read back

I realized I addressed this to Susie, instead of Pam. I am Truly Sorry. All day long, those terms are running around in my brain. It was a wonder that I could remember the songs we sang today, 4 times 9 songs each time. You know it stuck me today that I will never escape December 25, that will always and forever mark Pauline's 10, 20, 30, etc. month day of her passing, but that is ok. I will celebrate Her life with the birth of Christ. Now Please do not be a fend by that. It is really the true meaning of Christmas anyway.

Susie, my heart really does go out to you as well. We all have broken hearts, loved ones passed on, long before they should have. Things will never be the same, just different. Like learning to walk and talk and use our hands all over again.

God Bless, Dwayne

[dave s]

Pam I feel your pain......Dave

[kayc]

It's not about eloquent, it's about expressing ourselves here and you do that just fine. This is a hard time of year, that's for sure, but we'll all get through it, together. (((hugs)))

Kay

[HoneyImHome11]

I'm trying to skip Christmas this year... not one single decoration is coming out of the attic. So many memories to face. AND... the dreaded Christmas letter everyone is expecting, this also will not be written, the first time missed in many years. I am truely at a loss for words this year.

I am in a Jekel and Hyde dilemma... the constant need to hold on to what was and the determination to move forward and no looking back.

Peace to you during these trying holiday emotions. Know that you are not alone.

Deb

redesign08.blogspot.com

[mfh]

Deb, the important thing is that you honor your feelings and needs...not everyone else's. This is my second Christmas without Bill. Last year there was not a sign of Christmas in my home. I did go to a friend's for two days that day...somewhere I could cry if I needed to. This year I have exactly two poinsetias, my Christmas table runner and my Lladro shepher and child since I can't locate the creche I usually put out. That's it. It is feels ok and I won't have created a huge job to clean up either. This year I am staying here, my brother is coming if weather allows and I am sharing dinner at a friend's home, a place Bill and I often went for Christmas dinner.

You are listening to your heart. Christmas means little to me this year....I try not to be Scrooge when others are around but can't get into the spirit. Last year was even harder. It is all ok for you to do what you need to do. I do not have young kids (or any kids) so I did not have to consider their needs. I suppose that would change things.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

Deb,

I didn't send out cards that first year either. Nor did I the year John left me. Sometimes it's just too hard and you don't know what to say. Those who matter most already know what's going on in your life and will understand.

[mfh]

I have not sent out cards in a long time. During caregiving years...no time...no energy. After Bill died, who cared? This year....not interested in sending out cards. I will send a few email cards....that is it. My decorations consist of two poinsettias, a table runner and my Lladro Shepherd and Baby Jesus. None of it matters.

Mary