Missing Him

[mik]

I have been sad for so long I forget what it feels like to be happy? I took a ride today and was listening to the radio. A song came on that was one of the ones I used to think of when he was in my thoughts. A time when my thoughts of him were happy and I look faorward to seeing him once again. (he lived across the state) It was such a bright sunny day and I felt such incrediable sadness knowing he was not here with me....I felt the tears run down my face as I was driving. Will I ever feel the briefest moment of being happy again? Without him? I miss him so much that it hurts all over again when he comes into my thoughts. I think of all the times we had yet to experience and how unfair is is that he was taken away so soon. I feel despair all of the time. I thought I was moving ahead but I am not. Yes, I am coping. I could date if I wanted to but I keep everyone at arms length. Nothing will replace him, nothing will even come close. I also miss him sexually. I almost feel terrible for thinkling those thoughts but it is a part of me. I don't what to do with those feelings? I miss so much about him at times I can barely stand it. For everyone going through this as well. I understand. Will there ever be a day when I can feel some hapiness at something??? I have had a moment or two but it is tainted with the loss.....sigh...I just needed to express myself. The rest of the world has moved on. But not me.

Kim

[kayc]

Kim,

Yes, you will feels times of happiness again, but they will also be surrounded by times of sadness and/or missing him. Everyone's journey is different as is their personal resilience, so how long it will take remains to be seen. As for the sexual...many of us feel our lives with our mates were abruptly cut short midway, and in the beginning, it's hard to distinguish that they're gone, really gone, so what we had before with them will haunt us for a time. For many of us we dealt with that before they died as they had physical problems that preceded their death. That, too, often goes away as we cease to give place to it. Everyone is different though, and I'm sure it differs from the young to the old and just us as individuals.

I had times where the tears would overcome me, for years to come...now I rarely cry. Maybe I'm cried out or maybe I feel after all this time, it does no good. But if I felt the need to cry, I'd let the tears fall, they're a good release.

[wmjsca]

Kim,

I can relate. Buck has been gone 16 months and I struggle each day with the loss. I'm better able to manage, but the ache of loss remains. They say that as time progresses the pain eases...but there are times when it's just as raw as the day he died.

[Susie Q]

I don't believe I'll ever again know happiness as it was. I can enjoy myself, but the 'all is right within my world' feeling will never be a reality again.

I have days where I carry the pain, but I cope, and other days where I am just a mess inside and don't really function. I seem to be able now to 'timetable' the meltdown days - maybe they are just the days that I let it all happen without a fight.

Can't really get a grip on a future - I'm just existing and getting up every day to have another go...Susie Q

[hendrixx2]

hi mik,

So sorry for the pain you're feeling now, your post expresses what I have felt many times now and expresses it with great clarity for me. You have described my feelings exactly; will I be happy again? can I ever again enjoy the common things some of us take for granted. I've been using Donna's car for the past few weeks, and at first I could not listen to the station she had it set to without breaking into tears, it reminded me too much of the many times we had been together in that car. Like you, the sadness I feel sometimes is just incredible, and slams home the fact that she is gone. I too miss the physical aspects of our lives together and am still muddled as to a suitable solution; mabey it will come for us, mabey not, I just don't know. Truly sorry you're going through this now and am praying for some peace for you. Take care of yourself and know that all here can understand what you're going through.

praying for all those still suffering,

[HAP]

Dear Kim,

I don't know that this will help, but it is a story that has gotten me over some really bad rough spots:

After the assassination of John Kennedy, Art Buchwald and Mary McGrory and another--older columnist at the Washington Post were talking, sharing their grief. Buchwald says he turned to the older columnist--I think it was Walter Lippman--and asked, "Will we ever laugh again?" To which Lippman replied: "Oh, we'll laugh again...we'll just never be young again."

Death changes us--mature's us, if you will. I savor life in a very different way than I once did. Every moment with those I am close to matters--not more--not less--but differently--more deeply somehow than it did before. And I have begun to laugh again--not as fully and deeply as I did before I lost Jane--not yet--but I know how important laughter is having lost it for a time. At first I was embarrassed about laughing--even smiling took time to come back without guilt. But Jane loved to hear me laugh--and I know that the deep laugh is budding back within me and will eventually return.

And I think everything will return eventually. It will not be the same. Death gives things a different feeling--a different smell--a different look, sound, and taste. It is not the same as one who has physically been brought to the edge of death and come back--but it is similar in a way I cannot quite describe. Life is precious--and its experiences are what makes it so.

I'm not sure how much of the above makes sense or will help you. I understand what I am trying to say, but not having much success explaining it in words.

Peace,

Harry

[Anne E]

Harry,

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I think I too have matured and have started thinking about how much Dick would want me to fight to get "back to myself". He would want me to be happy and to enjoy life. I think I am finally starting to do that.

After the lost of my husband, I totally realize that life is precious. He fought so hard to have life, I need to do the same. I am blessed because I do not have the genetic health issues he fought his entire life, I need not take my gift for granted, but need to make my life matter. If for nothing else, but to honor his respect for life.

I miss having someone who "got me". Who shared my sense of humor and laughed at the same things. I Miss That. I continue to laugh and tell Dick how funny I think life is, while trying not to take it too seriously. I have learned that life is short and so precious, just like you.

Thank you for your words. They resonated with me!

Anne