MartyT Posted July 31, 2014 Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 Gee whiz, Kay, where do you suppose your son got his strength, faith, determination and hard work ethic from??? Clearly he is his mother's son. I am so happy for all of you! No one deserves this bit of sunshine more than you do, my dear. ♥ I think this calls for a happy dance! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted July 31, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 The kid is as tough as his mother. Happy for all concerned. Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 31, 2014 Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 You all bring a big smile to my face, but my son so far surpasses both his father and I, I have never seen anyone quite like him and I don't have a clue where he gets it from. He has far more determination, ambition, and resolve than I do. Perhaps Harry is a distant relative??? Thank you for the happy dance, Marty! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted August 1, 2014 Report Share Posted August 1, 2014 Great news Kay. You deserve it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 1, 2014 Report Share Posted August 1, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted August 1, 2014 Report Share Posted August 1, 2014 Great news Kay, so glad the determination is paying off for your son and his wife. So happy they will soon be in their new home. QMary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 2, 2014 Report Share Posted August 2, 2014 Thank you, QMary! Mary, I love that quote! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted August 6, 2014 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2014 Dear friends, The pain from the latest gum operation is largely gone and I will try to get back on the training regimen, though lightly, starting tomorrow. eating remains a bit difficult, but that's about par. The good news is the dressing comes off a week from tomorrow. The walkingwithjane.org piece went up yesterday morning and is over 675 views over the two days. Lots of very nice comments both online and off. Thank you all for your help and encouragement. I'm still dealing with the emotional aftershocks of skating that close to the edge, but they are getting better, I think. Some of those issues remain hard to deal with. That our 25th anniversary is less than a month away is further complicating things. But I know I will survive even that, one way and another. I'm off to bed shortly. Yesterday was exhausting both physically--from the surgery--and emotionally because of the post and its aftermath. I think I will sleep well tonight--but I've said that before. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted August 6, 2014 Report Share Posted August 6, 2014 Harry, Congratulations on the success of the article. You have done so very well. You are doing so very well. Your love and courage shine beautifully from your heart. Your heart of a teacher is still teaching, giving knowledge that can save lives. Bravo! I am glad to hear your gums are better. Are you allowed delicious milk shakes with protein powder mixed in? Can you have fresh juices? We are all here, holding you in your hearts through this 25th anniversary time. I am glad you are giving yourself a good night of rest. I hope you rest peacefully and in comfort, with satisfaction for a job well done, and knowing that your body, especially your gums, are healing as you sleep. namaste, fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted August 6, 2014 Report Share Posted August 6, 2014 Harry, I echo what,Fae said. The article is so well written and heart felt, I think it will help those who read it. I find that reading about others in similar situations does help me. As to your 25th anniversary, we all understand how the run-up to that will be oh so very hard. And we can't say anything really comforting because 'it is what it is'. But you know we reach out in sisterly/brotherly love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted August 6, 2014 Report Share Posted August 6, 2014 Harry, also happy about the success of the article. It is a wonderful article, so meaningful and will touch so many hearts. Will be keeping you in my thoughts during this time coming up to your 25th Wedding anniversary. We all do know how difficult those times can be, and will be thinking of you. I have been off this site for a few days, just want to report some positive news on my sis. She is still very seriously ill, but I believe they no longer consider her critical. They are working on finding a good nursing home/rehab facility to move her to for rehab. At this point she is not ready for the regular rehab. The doctor spoke to my brother Sunday, and is happy with her progress, and expects her to recover mostly. What she will recover will be determined in the next 6 months. This will be a long and hard recovery. My biggest hope is that she will be once again able to play the piano, a great pleasure in her life. She has lost no mental capacity, and is able to talk to us (when she wants to) although she is a little hard to understand, her voice is so soft. She is able to answer questions, and remember things from long ago, that I cannot even remember. The main nursing home they are considering is about an hour from me, and about an hour from her husband and family, in the other direction. She has a daughter in law that works at the hospital next door 3 nights a week. Saying this to say that we would all be able to easily spend time with her several times a week, so that she was always monitored by family to make sure she was getting best of care. I no longer have the fear that we are about to lose her, just wish so desperately this would be easier on her, she is going to have to work so hard. Although I felt guilty doing so, I was encouraged greatly by friends and family to take a previously planned trip with my good friend Joe this past weekend. Joe has a Mini Cooper (roadster), and we joined the MTTS in Memphis and traveled to St. Louis with them. Mini Takes the States is traveling from San Francisco to Boston. About 600 Mini Coopers were traveling together. We only did the one leg. We had a great time, met lots of nice people, rode with the top down most of the time, so I am very reddish brown right now. The event last Sun night was at Silky O'Sullivans for BBQ and music on Beale Street in Memphis, and then next morning after breakfast at a big FedEx facility we headed to St. Louis. The event Monday night was at the Gateway Speed Park in St. Louis, big tents with arcade video games for everyone, lots of food trucks, go cart races (no I did not). When the group left for Chicago on Tuesday morning, Joe and I headed back to Harrison. It was a really wonderful trip, and a much needed break for me. Good to be home now, and getting back into my regular routine. At my age routine is pretty important! Going to do some laundry and other house things today, and then want to settle down and catch up on all the missed posts here. Missed you guys. QMary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 6, 2014 Report Share Posted August 6, 2014 Mary, I am so relieved to know that your sister is out of danger. The long rehab will be wearing but hopefully once the basics are accomplished she can finish up at home. How great that the rehab center is located between her home and yours. I am sure getting away on the weekend felt like a good transition back to your life at home and that home felt wonderful. Take care now and rest up after this ordeal. The Classic Car Show is in town this weekend. In our life together we attended several car shows, the vast majority were antique cars dating back to the early part of the 1900s. Bill had several of those over the years. Not really my thing but we had fun going to the shows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted August 8, 2014 Author Report Share Posted August 8, 2014 Dear friends, I've about talked myself into putting together the book on grief several of you have urged me to write. I suspect much of it may already be written in one form or another between here and walkingwithjane.org. I've two requests. First, are there any particular pieces that stand out from what I've written here you think would be particularly useful--whether as they stand, edited down, or expanded on? Second, someone please talk me out of this. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted August 8, 2014 Report Share Posted August 8, 2014 Harry! Stop! Go on retreat for a few days, and let yourself come down from the crusade for a moment. Go focus on healing your heart and being compassionately gentle with yourself for at least a week. I mean it. Please devote yourself to healing. This is a very tender time for you. You can come back to the book idea in a week or three. Really, I mean it. (and, excuse me, but the above reminds me of Captain Hook in "Hook" asking Cookie to stop him, so I am smiling) But really, if I were you, Harry, I'd take my own advice and go be a person Being for a little while instead of a person Doing. It will all be there when you return from your retreat. namaste, fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeL Posted August 8, 2014 Report Share Posted August 8, 2014 Hi Harry, I'll stick my neck out and support your "plan B" (talk you out of it). Your recent article, your walkingwithjane website and your fundraising efforts are laudable, from your heart. You do amazing work for NET cancer awareness and fund raising. You put your love out there and I wonder about the toll it's taking on you. I'm much newer in my grief journey than you. My husband died 11 months ago, 5 weeks after an aggressive throat cancer was found. I learn so much on this website...recently our friend, Fae, posted something that took my breath away and tossed me leaps and bounds ahead in understanding of my grief work ahead. (I don't know how to add the link to an email, but it's in the Near Death Experience topic recently.) Fae - thank you warmly for your insight. This is my new meditation: "We must take the love we feel for our Beloved and turn 100% of it to our own spirits, our own hearts, our own care, peace, and well-being. We must turn 100% of it toward our joy. It is not that hard to do, just meditate on it. I can do it for a few minutes, but then I lose it. But at least I know how it feels now." So, Harry, please think about taking your love for Jane and energy for NET advocacy and turn it inward to your healing for 6 months. If a book needs to be written, your work will still be there. Jo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeL Posted August 8, 2014 Report Share Posted August 8, 2014 Amazing, Fae...you and I posted our messages almost simultaneously. The power of groups! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted August 8, 2014 Report Share Posted August 8, 2014 Fae is probably right that you should attend to your own needs before embarking on a book even though it's already written in a way. But I hope you do go ahead (maybe a winter project). There are many pieces on here which just went directly into my heart and helped me. How easy or difficult is it to extract a particular writer's pieces? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted August 8, 2014 Report Share Posted August 8, 2014 Harry, I have to echo others, who believe you need to take some time just for yourself, and get some rest. I would not at all try to attempt to go with plan B (talk you out of it), because 1. I don't believe anyone can talk you out of something you feel strongly about, and 2. It will be a wonderful book, very helpful to many people. That being said, as mentioned before, the book will be there to be written when you are ready, take some time for yourself. Everyone needs time when they are not pressured (even when the pressure comes from within) to just relax, heal, and rest. You are in a very vulnerable time, and need peace, not action. QMary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 8, 2014 Report Share Posted August 8, 2014 Harry, though I would like to talk you out of starting a book right now, I won't try. I will however say that writing a book is hard work and it seems to me that since Jane died your life has been one of hard work, as caring and generous as it is, it is hard work that demands a lot of energy and adrenalin. I hope you choose to find something less demanding than writing a book. I have several friends who are published authors and believe me, it is all consuming. Just my thoughts on it. Going to the theatre just for enjoyments might be more relaxing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted August 8, 2014 Report Share Posted August 8, 2014 Harry, After reading your post and knowing some of what you have gone through I would say to you, "Do what is in your heart." "Motivation is a fire from within. If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn very briefly." ~ Stephan R. Covey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted August 8, 2014 Author Report Share Posted August 8, 2014 Dear friends, I took a long walk this morning--about nine miles in 2:20--and spent some time thinking about several things, including my need for a break and the potential book project. And i do need to take a break here shortly. Last week's piece has stirred up a lot of emotional issues--and as I wrote elsewhere, August is, as always, shaping up into a difficult month. It is further complicated by this ongoing gum surgery nightmare that serves as a constant, double-edged reminder of my own mortality: yes, I think I have time, but Jane and I thought we had time--and we didn't. At the same time, I am painfully aware of the need for time away from the ongoing struggles I am engaged in. A friend said to me a couple of weeks ago that I need to get out of myself for a few days--engage in some frivolity. I need to really escape from my loss for a bit. I know that last bit sounds strange. Some people have suggested to me that all this work on Jane's cancer is a distraction from the work of grief. Sometimes, that is the case. But most of the time it forces me to confront my grief on a daily--sometimes hourly--basis. More often than not, my walks become extended meditations on Jane's life, my life, and the life we had together. My writing, no matter what I am writing about, communicates--first to myself, and then to others--what I am thinking and feeling. It is a constant effort to cleanse my heart by confronting the deepest feelings in my soul. The piece I published broadly on Monday morning was painful to write--and painful to publish. But it was useful pain. It forced me to really dig into those last months and deal with some of the issues they presented--and still present. That they proved useful to some others pleased me, but even if no one had gotten anything from it, the exercise would still have been useful for me personally. I suspect the book, when I finally come to put it together, will have a similar impact on my own healing process--when I go there. But the book is in the thinking and planning stage at this point--no more than that. I'm too aware of the issue Mary has raised about how consuming even a simple book can be--and this is not likely to be a simple undertaking. I've made other promises on my time this fall, and even if I had not, I know I'm not ready to do more than think about what needs to be in it and organize my materials. If it is not going to bring something new to the table, it isn't worth doing other than as a personal--though useful--exercise. In any event, I'm going to try to take some time off starting the end of next week. I have the scut work--stuffing and addressing envelopes--on a fundraising letter that needs to get in the mail next week--I'll have help from some friends on that one afternoon--and the ongoing governmental paperwork that is part of being a non-profit to finish off. The dressing on my gums comes off on Wednesday--and I hope to be able to eat and drink semi-normally thereafter. At that point, I'll close the office for a few days and actively seek out some frivolity. Thank you all for your thoughts on this. Some of you have confirmed my own thinking and concerns. Others have raised important things I need to keep in mind on down the line. I've been sitting outside with the hummers as I write this. They tell me it's time I ate something. Unfortunately, what I'd really like I can't have--damned gum surgery strikes again. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 8, 2014 Report Share Posted August 8, 2014 Harry, I do agree with your friend who suggested frivolity and fun for a while. I do hope you take that time off....at least two weeks and just do something fun. Re the book....writing the book which is a huge gigantic task in and of itself, also involves marketing the book. Publishers are not very helpful with that anymore unless you are an important political figure or a star of some sort. It is your job to get out there, attend conferences, do readings, advertise the book, arrange for readings and mailing and oh so much more. Go play!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted August 8, 2014 Report Share Posted August 8, 2014 Amen on the book effort, Mary. My ex-husband David is a writer and artist. His first book was published by University of Oklahoma Press, and consumed all his spare time, except when I made him take breaks to spend family time. It took him almost three years, as it is scholarly non-fiction. He received excellent reviews, by the way. But in writing on things medical, I imagine it might take longer than his book on history, to sort through and find the latest information, if that is to be a part of the book. The world is a big place. David makes a nice bit from his many books, but it has interrupted his life in huge gaps of missing time with family and the world. And Harry, I think the hummers are telling you to grab the sweetness of life and Go Play! If nothing else, you can take a road trip and come visit all us, see the country, and get lots of healing hugs. Now there's a thought. Mary is absolutely right: go play. I hope you can do things that help you begin to build new happy memories, to turn your attention a bit to the healing prospect of the joy and life that is still before you. I know I have found that one of the most difficult actions to initiate, but your recounting of your walking time and how it turns into rumination on Jane and your life with her resonated with my own walking, and how my thoughts turn so easily to Doug and our life together. I have had to practice mindful intention to turn my thoughts to designing new art pieces, thinking about little trips I can take, knowing that memories of Doug and I playing will intrude, but then gently drawing my thoughts back to the future. (I could not resist!) I often consider my walking as training for walking with courage into my own future. It feels pretty frightening sometimes to feel my heart beginning to shift Doug to a special place in there, but one not so actively engaged with me on an hourly basis. But it might help if you had something not connected with your dear Jane to focus your attention while you walk, since the woodchuck problem is apparently solved. All of this is, of course, merely my own personal opinion about what another human might do. You know your own heart, and you will find good ways to heal. Jack Kornfield has some excellent guided imagery for Self Healing that I find very helpful for opening my heart and slowly moving back into wholeness, even if very gently and slowly. You might want to try that. I remember when I had gum surgery and I was absolutely sick of shakes by the time my gums were healed. If you have a VitaMix, maybe you can make some delicious soups to sip. I know it is tough. This too shall pass. Whatever you do, wherever you decided to go, even if to your own back yard to talk with the hummers, I hope you can put your spirit into a playful frame of reference and stay there for as long as it takes for you to find some healing through this very tough month. I am thinking of you and holding you in my heart through this time on your journey. I am thankful that you are sharing your journey with us here in our Tribe, around this healing fire. namaste, fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted August 8, 2014 Author Report Share Posted August 8, 2014 Dear friends, I spent much of the afternoon trying to resolve some things from my walk this morning that also come up in Fae's comments above. The result is this essay on Walking with Jane. http://walkingwithjane.org/2014/08/08/time-enough-life/ Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 8, 2014 Report Share Posted August 8, 2014 Harry, I can't get into that site so others probably won't be able to either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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