I Will Forever Miss You Mom & Dad

[Manquer]

The last time I spoke with my dad was February 1st, 2012, the 3 year anniversary of my mom passing. Two days later I got a call from my sister at work. She was so hysterical it was difficult to make out what she was saying...I finally managed to pick out the words "daddy didn't wake up this morning" and from there it's a blur. My dad died February 3, 2012 and we had no idea why. He was only 50. I'm 23 and my sister is only 20...we just lost our mom, it's not fair to have to lose dad too. Hours later we find out he died from a heart attack from heart disease he never knew he had. Mom died of lung cancer.

Now I'm back home after the memorial service and I feel weird. I keep having what I think are panic attacks...my heart is racing, my head spinning and my palms clammy. I miss him so much. He was more than just a parent. He was one of my best friends. I don't know too many people my age who have lost both their parents so it is difficult when everyone is laughing and having a good time and all I can focus on is how much I miss him and want to call him. It's just not fair.

My name is Manquer which is the french verb meaning "To Miss"

I will forever miss you mom and dad.

[DebFromLodi]

I am praying for you. Please keep coming back here and reading what others have written. It is helping me.

[Beth M]

I am so very sorry for your losses, you are far to young to have lost both of your parents. I am going to be 40 and just lost my dad and feel to young to have lost him, I can not imagine losing both parents at such a young age. You and your sister will be in my thoughts. I hope that this site will help you to talk about your thoughts and feelings. I have found it helpful in order to know that others are feeling some of the same emotions. Know there are many who don't know you who are thinking of you and wishing you comfort and peace. Beth

[Manquer]

Thanks for your responses, they really mean a lot. I was constantly checking my email today hoping somebody responded

I found this site on a website called Kathy's Place 4 Hope, a wonderful non-profit that helps children dealing with grief. I was hoping this website would help me and so far it has. I went to work today and although it was rough at first and I had to constantly reassure and calm myself down on the drive there, it did eventually get better.

I wish you all happiness and will be thinking of you as you too deal with grief.

[Babypod]

I am so sorry for your losses! My husband was 25 when he lost his mom - which really was his only parent. It is so hard. I wish there was more I could give you besides my sympathy and support. . .

[AnnieO]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my parents 10 months apart...altho I was in my 40's...I know how hard this is. I wish I had words to help. This site was so helpful to me and I still come back when I need support. Keep coming here, read old posts...you are not alone. Take good care of yourself..you will get thru this, its a very long and difficult journey. Your parents are with you always and forever.

[Beanimous]

Manquer

I am so sorry for you lost. I lost my mum to cancer 4 years ago, and I lost my dad 6 months after my mum die, he die of heart attack in his sleep.

I thought I had grieved for them, I cried for weeks, but 4 years later, I could not sleep at night, having bad panic attacks, anxiety and paranoia. Me and my therapist eventually found out I had delayed grief. And I am just beginning to grief for the loss of my parents. I have not had a single dry eyes day for the past two weeks, I listened to sad songs and just cry. And crying is cleansing, believe me.

I am 38, and most of my friends have not lost their parents, I felt very alone in my grief, too.

I may not have been long in my grief journey, but I have learnt that grief is there to help us heal. It is painful, heart wrenching and sometimes it felt like you are losing yourself, but it is actually helping and teaching you about healing and growth.

I learnt a lot about myself through this grief journey, and I learnt that my anxiety (which I dread as it is immensely uncomfortable), is about suppressed emotions (like a bottled-up emotion bottle ready to burst). If I let it out, if i cry it out, it's gone. It will come back, and I will drain it again, and I trust one day the emotion bottle will be drained completely.

Grief triggered all sort of emotions, and you sometimes don't quite feel yourself, but I want to assure you it is all normal. It is all grief. Find a friend who is understanding, and just talk and cry it out, or talk to a therapist, who can give you a helping hand when you need one. Or write to this site, we all been through it and will be here for you.

I processed a lot of my grief by reading about other people's post on this site, and I write about my mum and dad and have the good old fashion cry. Grief will take as long as it takes, don't rush it, and let the flow take you.

I read this poem from a site I can not recall, it had really touched me and I carried it around with me in my wallet and read it everynight. Hope it will help you too.

I will come to you in your sleep

And lie awhile next to your gentle breath

I lay my head down next to yours and feel the beat of the heart that's broken.

I feel the ache within you and gently breathe life back into your hurt

I give you my love, I give you my heart and I leave you with hope

And when you awake, you know not how

But your life has been touched by the invisible presence of love

I will come to you in your sleep and rest with you awhile.

© Maureen Hunter

[MartyT]

(That beautiful poem by Maureen Hunter appears on her website, Esdeer. You'll find it here: I Will Come to You in Your Sleep)

[ONEofSEVEN]

Dear Manquer and sister,

What a heavy blow life has given you and your sister. I am heart broken for the sudden loss of your mom and now your dad. I can not imagine your pain! I have cried for you both and will continue to cry with you. You are not alone.

In Feburary I too lost my pops. The difference, he was chronically ill, I had time, a decade, to prepare for his death.

Manquer you are absolutely right, it is unfair for you to lose your mom and now your dad, your best friend. It was hard for me to wrap my mind around the passing of my dad but you had to do this twice. Life can be cruel, I'm so sorry.

Often I think, how can the world go on as if nothing happened? Can't it stop just for a moment to acknowledge my/our loss? How can I ever smile again, laugh again, think of anything but what has happened.

Please know you both are in my thoughts. I am here for you both if nothing else but to listen. Please embrace each other and don't let anything come between you and your sister. Eventually, you will go on, learn to smile again, laugh again and more importantly love again. But this time you will be able to appreciate it more than you ever had before.

I am sending you many many cyber hugs.

Agape love, OneofSeven (I will turn 51 in July)

[missingdad]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father in Nov 2011 and will miss him forever. I am 35 and can't imagine what you're going through. Believe that it does get better with time. Wishing you and your sister peace and happiness.

[Manquer]

Thank you everyone for the comments, they are all very sweet. And I love that poem I will write in in the journal I have for my dad where I log all the other things I want to tell him.

Can't believe it's been over 3 months since I lost my dad. I think about him and miss him everyday and although I'm not the same mess I was 3 months ago, tears are never far away.

I too suffered from a lot of anxiety due to everything that has happened. I only took three days off to go to the funeral and tried to jump back into work the following week and boy let me tell you what a lesson that was. I work with people who suffer from severe and persistent mental illness and help them achieve their educational and employment goals. The job can be very demanding and emotionally stressful. I eventually learned that at this point the job was too much for me. Luckily, I have an extremely supportive job and after talking it over we decided that a leave of absence would be best. I have now been off for several weeks and feel a thousand times better. I joined a grief support group through Hospice, took up a part time job renting bicycles on the waterfront, started doing regular yoga, got back to painting and making jewelry and have been exercising and reading a lot. I think a lot of my anxiety stemmed from not giving myself the time I needed from the beginning. My dad died on a Friday, the same Friday I happened to be moving and so I spent all week moving and was back at work on Monday and continued to go to work until the funeral a week later. I was in shock. I didn't want to believe it so I felt that by continually working and ignoring it that perhaps it wouldn't be true. I also realized that although I was financially independent from my father and even though I lived across the country from him I still relied on him emotionally. I would always look to him for advice and I would always want to share what I was doing in life with him in the hopes it would make him proud. My confidence came from him. Now I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. I'm definitely getting there and feel so much better but the road is long and I have far to go. I'm still not sure if I'm ready to go back to work.

For anyone suffering anxiety I recommend purchasing a "grief planner" and on each day mark your anxiety level in the morning, afternoon and evening and then monitor your progress. I also would write down one nice thing I did for myself that day such as go for a walk or take a bath. It was very helpful. I also have a journal for my dad and write in it almost every day...i tell him how much I miss him and love him. It helps. And if you enjoy writing, check out the Chicken Soup for the Soul website and see if your story fits in one of their categories. I'm writing a story to submit about my dad in the category labeled "The Power of Positive" because even after everything that has happened he is the one I can thank for my positive outlook on life and even though he is the one I'm mourning the things he has taught me over the years are what's helping me get through each day. He believed that when we lose a loved one we should not let that loss effect our inner happiness because death ends a life, not a relationship.

I had a beautiful relationship with my dad. He was more than just a father, he was also a friend. A best friend. We would exchange letters back in forth that ranged in topics from exchanging jokes and funny stories to philosophical letters where we would discuss the meaning of life and love. At this point in the story I should probably mention that my dad was gay. I just learned he was gay at my college graduation this past May and am so thankful he felt comfortable and confident in telling me. He loved scrap booking and was making a scrapbook for everyone in the family. For his 50th birthday I decided to make him a scrapbook only instead of just gathering and putting together photos I am an artist so I decided to paint them. I painted our family in all different mediums and on all different surfaces and was really proud to hand him the end product. Inside the scrapbook I told him exactly how I felt. How much I loved him and how much of an inspiration he was to me. He later told me my words made him cry. He was just so special to me. He carried that scrapbook with him everywhere to show to others. Now that I have the scrapbook back I decided to purchase extra pages and do a tribute scrapbook to him. It has letters we wrote, cards he sent, photos, postcards...everything. It was a really helpful process. I recommend scrapbooks of loved ones for anyone who enjoys being crafty

Well I think that's enough blabbering for now. I really enjoy this forum because it gives me a chance to type what's in my head in the hopes others will read and learn but also it's a wonderful outlet just to get it out somewhere.

I am so sorry for all the loss everyone has suffered, but they're never really gone. Our loved ones reside in us in our actions, words and relationships. They can live on through us.

I made up a quote last night that I think is appropriate. It goes like this:

"Live to love or love will not live" Do not be afraid to love because of the fear of loss...tell those you love exactly how you feel and often. It's important to let them know for your sake and theirs.

[DebFromLodi]

My dad has been gone for almost 33 years. My mom has only been gone for 4 years. Today I am having a day when I need her so much. I have been crying all morning for no real reason, I just can't stop. I read that poem and it was so nice, thanks for sharing it. I desperately needed it today. I am 60 years old, but still feel like a child inside, wanting and needing my mom. If only I could turn back time and had it all to do again. If I knew then what I know now.....I love you mom so much.

[Beanimous]

This is another poem I found through the Esdeer website, which i absolutely love and helped me through some difficult days

A Grief Blessing

May the sun bring you new energy every day,

bringing light into the darkness of your soul

May the moon softly restore you by night

bathing you in the glow of restful sleep and peaceful dreams

May the rain wash away your worries,

and cleanse the hurt that sits in your heart

May the breeze blow new strength into your being,

and may you believe in the courage of yourself

May you walk gently through the world,

keeping your loved one with you always

Knowing that you are never parted in the beating of your heart.

[Beanimous]

I myself didn't take time off after the passing of my parents, when my mother passed away, I was 4 months pregnant, I didn't take time off work, I came home from work every night crying for hours, and it lasted for weeks. When my father die six months after my mum die, I was busy nursing my infant son, I didn't have the time to grief, and soon after that I went straight back to work.

Looking back, I should have take time off to grief. I didn't know then, but I do know now, there is no escaping grief. It will catch up with you when you are least expected.

My Dad is a quiet guy, he does not say much, but I always understood him. My dad was 71 when he passed, even at 71 years of age, he still refuse to let me carry a small grocery bag when I went shopping with him. In his eye, I am still his little girl, even though I was a full grown women of 34. My Dad, the old fashioned silent type that he is, never said he loves me, but I can feel his love just the same, even 4 years after he is gone, I can still feel his love in me.

I miss my father's twinkle in his eyes when we were both excited about the first bloom in spring, the shiny beetle in the garden, the beautiful pupa that housed a black and white butterfly. I missed that twinkle so much, and just the other day, I saw the same twinkle in my 3.5 years old son's eye. When My son was looking at a moth, it brought tears to my eyes, I realized my father never left, the twinkle is still in me and my son.

I miss you Papa! I will always miss you!

[babbent514]

So sorry for your loss.I too lost my mom and dad,My mom passed Jan 21,2012 and my dad May 30,and my stepdad on June 14 all within 6 months.I'm still upset that god would take all of them from me so soon together.I feel so alone here now without them.Life just isn't the same and never will be for me again.I miss them so very much.My heart is so broken I feel it will never be whole again.I took care of my Mom and stepdad for years,then when my mom passed I took care of my stepdad.He didn't want to be here without her.he said he wanted to be with his wife so he went to be with her.I miss them all so very much.I feel as if they were just here talking to me.they say it gets better with time but i don't see that happening any time soon for me.

[babbent514]

so very sorry..my dad passed 9 months ago and my mom 5 months before that.The pain I feel inside hurts very bady.I miss them both so very much.I cry all the time,I have found that being on this site does help some what.The people here know and feel the same way we do.