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I have not posted for a week or so. My thoughts and feelings have no words these days. For someone who writes and teaches to be speechless...is a strange feeling. But this is where I am.

I reach out to all in pain.

I wish you peace,

Mary

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Mary, I wish I had something to say to make things better, but we both know I don't. I wish I would make things better, but that is not possible. Please know that we are here. We understand, to the limit of our knowledge. I hope that knowing we are all thinking about you and praying for you will help support you.

If it helps, please know that the support of all of the people who follow this site certainly has helped me when things looked absolutely bleak.

Don't be a stranger. Let us know how you are. Take this as my supporting hug! OOO's.

Love and Prayers

Anne

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Dear Mary,

My thoughts are with you. Draw what strength you can from all of us. Even if you had not been making deposits here for years, your credit would still be good here.

Take comfort and be comforted as you have offered and given comfort before.

Peace,

Harry

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Dear Anne, Marty and Harry,

Thank you for the unconditional support. I have not a clue where I am except that I KNOW wherever it is....I am right where I need to be. No clue where I am going and that is ok for now.

Just had coffee with a psychologist friend (Psychoanalytic-usually not my speed but this guy is real). He is pastor of the church where Bill's funeral was (though Bill and I have not been church goes for a long time-our cathedral is the woods). He and I meet every few weeks for coffee and REAL talk but have not for a while now. Always feels good and is fairly (not completely) two sided these days. Met with grief counselor last week. Both of these folks (along with you) are supportive of where I am and what I am doing and how in touch I am with me. Thank you so much. Lots of reliving and tears this month...preceding 2nd anniversary...lots of dreams. No nightmares for several days. This month is bigger than the approaching anniversary but I can not tell you how. I am walking in the dark hoping for cracks in the ceiling and walls (or floor) of this cave eventually so some light can come in and show me the way.

Peace

Mary

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Mary I get it and you are not alone. I often felt just as you expressed and I'm glad you reallize it's okay. It is a very lonely and sad state that we have to endure in order to make progress. Perseverence and time will shed new light on the situationa and this will have been but another bridge to cross. Wishing you peace.

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Thank you, Cheryl. Well stated.

Mary

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Oh Mary ~ your words leave me breathless. This piece deserves a wider audience. Let me know if and when you are ready . . .

Meanwhile, bless you for sharing the contents of your broken heart with all of us, here ~ and thank you ♥

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Mary, You are a part of us, so whenever you are not here, you are missed, but we understand and you need to go your pace and deal with things as seems best to you. You are in our thoughts as you approach that 2nd anv., we all know how those are.

(((hugs)))

Kay

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Oh Mary ~ your words leave me breathless. This piece deserves a wider audience. Let me know if and when you are ready . . .

Meanwhile, bless you for sharing the contents of your broken heart with all of us, here ~ and thank you ♥

Hi Marty,

I came across that yesterday...I barely remember writing it...such denial I was in..even though I knew the worst was coming. I will let you know when I am ready to share it further...it was hard to share it here....as you know.

I think the Empty Chair is in the April-May-June Grief Digest...not out yet. This all feels like a dream. Thank you for being breathless.

Thank you all for being there...as I said...this feels bigger than the anniversary....not sure what is going on. ...but it is all as it should be.

Peace,

Mary

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Thank you all. Your loving support is so appreciated.

I got good news today. My friend who just sold her dog training school (where Bentley attended after Bill died because Bentley regressed)-she worked with Bentley today (and me) for 2 hours on and off (for Bentley's sake as it was hot and he was getting tired) and said the words I have waited to hear for a long time...

i.e. that Bentley will surely be able to become qualified to be a therapy dog....it is all up to me...i.e. if I am consistent and do the training she is teaching me...HE will make it...she had him doing things he will not do for me because I am a softy, so was Bill. She was not mean at all. She is a gentle soul but was kindly firm. I get trained in July at an all day training day and she and I will work with Bentley during this time before and probably after July. She feels it won't take as long as I think. He takes the test when he is ready...which another friend administers. This gal has trained dogs for Hospice, for Search and Rescue as well as for pets and contests.

This will give me a focus and ultimately something to do to put some meaning/purpose in my life as I also roam about in the darkness of my cave these days.

Thanks for being out there and for caring,

Mary

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Oh Mary, I'm glad to hear it!

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Thank you both. Training was fun and hot....it was in the low 80s and humid...Bentley and I are both plastered to the chair (and floor). :0

Harry, I know finding all those treasures is so painful. I have done that also...I found Bill's money clip a few days ago with a few dollars in it. He did not carry much money towards the end because he would lose it....so it was a sad memory to find it with $4 in it. I understand what you are going through as much as any person can understand another's path.

Peace

Mary

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Mary, good for Bentley...and for you. This is a terrific thing that you and he will be doing. I have a friend who is wonderful with dogs,and, like Bentley, my dogs will do things for her they will never do for me...I am also a softie, and they know it!

I went through some of the costumes that Mike and I wore over the years in community theater the other day, looking for a particular costume that someone wanted to borrow. Seeing some of his costumes, and remembering the roles he wore them in, was almost more than I could do. His Ben Franklin wig particularly got me....we spent nearly an hour each performance getting it glued on his head to make it look right! AND he did look like Ben Franklin when we were finished. I was always his make up artist, and dresser when he had a large role. Good times.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Mary, thank you for your words. He did really well out there in training today. I am also getting a work out.

I can only imagine what you felt going through all those costumes and memories...every time I open Bill's closet, I just cry and hug his clothes. You are a brave lady to go through all those. Yes, it sounds like you two had great fun with the theater, acting, costumes. Take care now, Mary

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