Sometimes I Almost Forget He Is Gone...then I Get Hit Again By It.

[Lina]

Is this normal...the moments of forgetting he is gone? It was all so sudden. Sometimes it does not feel real. My daughter and I will be doing our normal day stuff and I will think about how Arthur should be home in a few hours and then suddenly I remember he isn't coming home...he is never coming home. It is like learning for the first time all over again.

Arthur died three weeks ago...I saw him at the viewing. I touched his hair, his hand, stroked his face...he was not in there...but still it does not feel real. It is like that was someone else and MY Arthur is still out there somewhere...I am just waiting for him to come home. I feel like deep inside I don't really know he is gone. I am still waiting for him.

My whole body aches to hug him...I miss hugging him so bad. I miss his smell, the sound of his voice, holding his hand, being able to talk to him about my day and asking him about his. I miss all his quirks. I miss his smile. I miss how funny he was...he always brightened my day and made the world feel less serious and over whelming. I miss watching him with Sophia my daughter...he was able to be for her what I can't...silly, fun and light hearted.

I miss the hope and the dreams for the future. I miss planning for our 'forever home' and our future babies...I miss knowing I was going to get to spend the rest of my life with the man I love. I miss him so much. He was my best friend, half of my heart and soul. I feel hollow without him.

It just seems so inconceivable that one moment he was here and the next he was gone. It just does not feel like it can be real. It does not seem like it can be possible. Surely something this horrible can't be real. I keep on waiting to wake up. I keep on waiting for him to wake me up from this nightmare and give me a hug and tell me everything is ok.

[kayc]

It is normal at first, then after a while it sinks in. I remember hearing the phone ring and expecting to hear his voice on the other end. Or the door open and expect to see him come in. When that happens it's like it slams you all over again. This will go away after it sinks in to your everyday existence. I'm sorry! (((hugs)))

[widower]

Lina, it's absolutely "normal," if there is such a thing in the grieving process. I've been working on this a lot longer than you and it still doesn't seem real to me. It's far too extreme and ridiculous to be real. Give yourself time and lots of it. Best to you......

[Susie Q]

Hello Lina

I too, lost my husband suddenly - one normal evening after dinner, in fact. It is hard to explain to anyone else, the utter disbelief that lasts for a long, long time. I knew on an intellectual level that he was gone, but I couldn't believe it for about a year. I would sit lost in time for hours just trying to comprehend that this could be real.

What happens is that your body and mind just expects him to be there, and it takes time for the new pattern/routine to take hold. After a long time, you come not to expect him to greet you, answer the phone, come through the door etc.

Having said that, I also still reach for the phone to call him, think 'I can't wait to tell him about....", see something in the shop and consider buying it for him for a fleeting second.That usually results in a crushing wave of sadness all over again.

Yes, this is something that will not go away quickly - why would it? Just try and roll with it. The longing to have it be not real is probably our mind's way of thinking and then coming to terms with the unthinkable.

[widower]

Hello Lina

I too, lost my husband suddenly - one normal evening after dinner, in fact. It is hard to explain to anyone else, the utter disbelief that lasts for a long, long time. I knew on an intellectual level that he was gone, but I couldn't believe it

Exactly. It's one thing to intellectually understand and know it's true, but deep down your heart doesn't allow you to "really" believe it. It's too much and too terrible. I guess the only way (for many of us anyway) is that only very slowly is that reality accepted, an inch at a time.

[Lina]

Thank you guys, I am almost glad this is normal...sometimes I feel like I am going insane. It is like my mind and heart refuse to believe he is gone. He went off to work and was fine and then next thing I knew I was being told he was dead...it just does not seem possible. I kept on asking if the Sheriffs chaplain was sure...it just doesn't seem real. I feel like I am in shock still...I have moments of extreme grief and other moments where everything is numb and the world feels dream like. I wander through my day unsure what to do. I am still waiting for him to come home.

[nats]

Lina,

I feel your loss and heartache, after 2 years and 2 months I still miss my wife and I'm sure I always will

and I still have the days you are describing...but maybe look at it this way, Arthur has already reached home

he just left here early to prepare for you to join him....

NATS

[kayc]

I remember feeling that way too. That's one reason I'm glad we have this forum, it helped me know I wasn't crazy.

[Queeniemary]

Lina, you are very normal to feel that way. It is just like your mind and heart cannot get around such a horrible thing. At first I would sit and look at the end of the couch that Mike always sat on...surrounded by his animals, at least one cat on lap and a dog by his side. Even yet, after nearly 28 months, I still will occasionally look at that end of the couch, and in my mind I am picturing him sitting there.....and not believing that he will never be again. I would like to think that perhaps sometimes his spirit is sitting there, and even though I cannot see him in the physical, maybe I am feeling his spirit. Having said that, you are very early in this grieving process, I cannot even remember a lot about the first few months after Mike died. You are not going insane, you are just experiencing denial, which we all have done. Even when your mind knows the truth, it is your heart that denies it. It does get easier over time, Lina, hang in there girl. Lots of people here for you when you need us.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mik]

I feel the same. He lived 5 hours away from me and we would spend time together. I was ready to move there but the cancer hit so fast it did not give me time and it was best to stay with my family and the support I had back here. I sometimes think that he is just waiting for us to have time together again. Beacuse I am not around his belongings, his home and people he knew it is almost as if it never happend. It has hindered my healing to have this gap...not to be faced with the day to day presence of his reminders. I only come to realize that he is truly gone when I tell myself he is dead and I will never see him again. it is harsh but it brings me back to my reality where I need to be to move on with this grief. Maybe it was meant to be as I don't know if I would still be able to cope if it were not this way.

Mik

[amw]

Lina

I just lost my huband two weeks ago, and even though he was sick for a short time and we knew he was terminal didn't change the shock of his passing. His doctors told us 6-8 months and he was gone in less than 2 months. The last two weeks went by so fast, and then he was gone. Taken from me way to soon, much quicker than anyone expected.

I come home and expect to see him in his recliner watching tv, or want to tell him something that happened while I was out, or give him news from our friend, and yes I too still expect him to just come walking in the back door like he use to do. It is very hard when it keeps hitting like a ton of bricks over and over. My thoughts are with you as we both are going through this heart breaking experience. My words just can't say how much I truely get and feel what your saying and feeling.

amw

[Lina]

I am so sorry for your loss...*hugs* This has been so terribly horrible. I truly had no idea how painful this was until I experienced it. *hugs* I guess you can't truly 'get it' until you have experienced this. I guess loss always feels like a shock when it is so close to our heart.