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I Will Never Be 46 Again


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In theory, in 2 hrs I turn 47! Each bday that I reach, I look back on the past yr...and try to come up with a plan, for myself for the following yr, of where I want to be and what I want to accomplish, usually I end up short of what I set out to do.....but I try. But this last yr.....Wow...I never planned for this......on May 2 2011 I was begging Mike to answer the phone while I was at work, and to let friends into the house to check on him while I was at work, begging him not to smoke on the couch, to protect him from burning down the house....and more importantly him....I went to bed that night knowing I had to work the following day, my bday for I wanted to save my time off......for him.....to feel better, to live to work on his Bucket List.....My bday 5/3/2011 was filled with a sickening sense of dread....of what I would come home to......and rightfully so, although in his weakened state, he managed to state to me " Happy Bday" and smiled, unfortunately the house was littered with broken glass. Mike would get a glass of water and forget it was in his hand...drop it and get another.......It was so upsetting, especially for me on my bday.....I promptly put Mike to bed stayed up for hrs cleaning....to be awaken by the sheriffs office finding Mike walking the dogs.....naked (now I can laugh, but at the time......WOW) decisions had to be made, and were made on 5/4/2011, to place Mike in a lockdown unit in a nursing home............the rest progressed with Mikes death 5/9/2011.....more memories to come........

What have I learned in the yr to follow........not sure.........guess I have learned to survive although I was certain many times I would not. Learned that it was ok to leave work to sob....learned that it is ok to set limits on what others expect from me...learned it was ok to let someone wonderfull into my life again.....(was never sure I was ready for this again and he, fortunately was persistant enough to keep trying...for me) Learned that others are sent into my life for a reason, and that past experiences and situations, may come back to me.....(ie Cheryl)..learned that I could forgive Mike, and many others....for many instances of ignorance....for they have not lived through this.....the list, I am sure will continue.....as I remember and think of all.....

As I turn 47..the perfect Bday present would be continued peace...a peace that I would just let things happen, to stop fighting the flow of life, and of fate...to continue to pack up my life here and move forward, to a new and different life...46 sucked! and yet I have learned a whole lot........guess in a weird way I am lucky....have not digested that completely yet.....

Anyhow, I know that all is good here....soo much good, and yet am haunted by....lack of a better word.....an irritation called Mike...that is ever haunting me....and yet I dont regret him......and yet battle with......... wishing I was , again one of the ignorant ones....Dave

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Hey Friends went through my post, found that I wasnt able to correct my title of my post, to be honest have always taken pride in my grammar, but alas didnt check the title of this post before submitting......lololol this was suppose to say I Will Never Be 46 Again......... where is my mind??????? Dave

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Happy Birthday, Dave! Mixed memories...your birthday, like mine, is tied to the loss of our respective beloveds. I hope this day is a good one for you and that you honor the changes you have made and the way you have handled the last year of your life. Eat cake! Peace, Mary mfh

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Dave,

I wish you a very Happy Birthday! In reading what you were going through one year ago, Wow! Yet you have survived it...that is the miracle.

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The day has turned out nice, nicely have done nothing exciting all day! Went for a ride that seemed to do me some good, and felt Mike with me....it was nice. Ed had plans for dinner for me tonight, but ran into problems at work and needs to work late, he was feeling bad about this, not me, no need for him to be stressed around me, and god forbid he should lose his job, because of my bday......wouldnt be a nice present for me......so this weekend!

Many phone calls came this day and many well wishes via facebook it made me feel loved.....and was really great to hear from Mike's family, throught hem I still feel like I have a connection with Mike. Thanks for all the well wishes! Dave

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Today went well, few thoughts of Mike and last yr 5/4/2011, the last day Mike was in our home, that horrible day when I had to make so many horrible decisions...to place Mike in the lock down unit at a nearby nursing home. Surprisingly to me I felt great peace today, and even commented to our dear friend Cheryl today, that I knew I did the best I could at the time and felt Mike knew it to......after that I honestly thought little of Mike the rest of the day at work, even getting home didnt even remember the anniversary.....did my customary chores upon arrival home, took my shower, went into the bedroom........and I swear Mike was standing next to the bed, it lasted a few seconds......I smiled I laughed, and blinked and he was gone.........it was so nice! Thanks Mike for a belated bday present....chose to believe he was checking on me or wanted to say hi........lol think I will sleep well tonight! Dave

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I'm so glad you had that moment of his presence, that must be wonderful to experience. I haven't felt anything tangible like that, but I do feel he is within me...it's hard to explain, but I reach down deep in my soul when I need him and his love is still there and continues to sustain me. For the rest of my life, though I be alone, I continue to know I am loved...I say "am" not "was" because our love never dies even though we can physically see and touch each other for the time being. I do believe with all of my heart that there will be a day when we have new bodies and are reunited...and on that day I will once again be enveloped in his arms and will feel that wholeness once again. I know some of you don't believe that way, my wish isn't to offend or change you, I'm just stating what I feel within me, it keeps me going.

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Happy Belated Birthday Dave. I'm so sorry I missed it but I am not on this site every day. You have come such a long way in a year and you should be proud of your progress as it is not an easy journey. You are an inspiration to me knowing that I can have a future with happiness. Yes... I do believe this but I'm just a slow learner and with many steps backwards at times. I know Mike is there cheering you on. Enjoy your new life with quiet peaceful memories of the past one.

Blessings

Becky

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Good morning, Dave,

I believe today is the anniversary of Mike's death...am I right? I have been thinking of you and it sounds like you made it here and are doing ok with all of this..birthday, anniversary. Just to let you know my thoughts are with you.

Peace,

Mary

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Becky I find it funny that you consider me an inspiration, for there are many moments of this last yr that I was a complete mess, as you understand. I just got lucky to find Ed who has stood beside me during this process, He, my beautifull therapists Colton age 6, and his sister abby age 3, and everyone on this site has inspired me to keep going.....with that said I wish this "journey of grief" was completely over.....but at least for me, at present am finding the grief not as debilatating. Dave

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Hi Mary no the anniversary is 5/9 just this time last yr was when it all came to a head, in the nursing home lockdown unit, trips back to the hospital and the day when the doctor told me he was septic, we could fight it, and yet there was nothing left of his body to fight it with, and the decision I immediately made to stop all treatments, it went so fast! So many decisions were made in such a short time......but again i know I did the best I could for him, He was lucky that he had fallen in love with a nurse!!! lol!

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Wow was cruising through my day at work, thought and smiled that 1 yr ago today I made the decision to stop all treatments, and place Mike in an inpatient unit at Hospice, knowing that I did it with great love......that worked until about 5:15 pm when out of the blue it hit, tears, tears and more tears, feel like I have been hit in the gut......

I remember so well that day, in fact i had forgotten all the details until today....,...and that special moment as we are rolling him out to the ambulance for the trip to hospice, he who couldnt make any sense all day looked at me and smiled stating " thanks for all you have done i love you", funny to me that it has taken a yr to remember that wonderfull moment.....what a hell of a life lesson this has been....Dave

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I totally understand how things come back when we are ready for them...happens to me a lot...and like you, take me by surprise frequently. You made the right decision last year, as you have said, as difficult as it was. Yes, this is a chapter that has changed you forever...you now know you can handle anything and I am sure that you see life so much more clearly. You have done well and should be proud of your openness, your reaching out to others all year, your ability and willingness to open yourself to a new relationship. I will be thinking of you on Wednesday. Peace, Mary mfh

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