I Can't Seem To Stop Crying

[Lina]

I have always been one of those people who hated crying in front of people (or even just by myself)...I am not sure if I considered it a weakness or if I simply hate feeling this vulnerable. But today I can't seem to stop crying. I just miss him so much. There is so much I need to get done, but all I seem to be able to do is cry. I miss him so much and the idea of him being gone forever feels like more then I can survive. I miss the feeling of numbness...as much as denial feels weird it truly was a nice buffer. The last couple of days I seem to have lost that buffer. Everything reminds me he is gone. Doing dishes, going to bed, making dinner...brushing my teeth...everything.

[mik]

I am so sorry for the pain that you are experiencing. I understand. Allow yourself to cry and grieve. It is ok. We are all here for you. (Hugs)

Kimberly

[dave s]

Dear Lina, I understand what you are feeling the numbness wearing off and the tears. It is ok to cry as much as you need.....it is part of this horrible journey......Dave

[zeeks]

I understand, at my husand's funeral I can remember a friend of mine saying to my mother..."why is she not crying, " ...I did not really cry till almost 7 months later. It was if someone turned the faucet on and it stuck. It was impossible to breathe, to even see. I was told that the "shock" wore off, I do not know. All I know is ever since then life is empty and void. The only thing which keeps me breathing 6 years later is our granddaughters. We had guardianship of them their whole lives and I still do. My son, their father is still in the picture, ut they know nothing more than me ...than us, my husband and I. He was like their daddy for sure. The numbness seems to never end, ut eventually the tears dry up cause there are no more... then something new hits your heart. It is the memory I think, the time spent together and what we miss together. Rather miss sharing together. The hurt never seems to stop, but we cry for us and the fact they are not with us anymore. When in reality they feel no pain and are in Heaven with no tears, no sadness, no frustration nothing but smiles, happiness and contentment. We want to be with them, but God is not done with us yet evedentally. Hope I have helped and not made things worse... I do know the feeling for sure!

[Lina]

Thank you guys. This whole experience has left me feeling so helpless. More then anything else in this world I want him back and there is absolutely nothing I can do to make that happen. No matter how much I pray, beg, cry...he is never coming back. My only choice is to accept...and yet the idea of accepting he is truly gone feels so hard and impossible.

[Lina]

In the past I told people that I do not grieve for those who have left, but rather for those left behind. I know my beloved Arthur is ok now. While he would have done anything to stay with us and he would have fought hard to stay by my side if he had been given a chance to do so...he is ok now. I think I would go insane if I did not believe with all my heart and soul that my Arthur is ok.

I am the one who is not ok...who feels like my heart has been ripped out and got cremated with my husband. I feel like half of me is missing.

I miss our quiet times. I miss being held in his arms before falling asleep. I miss his skin, his smell, the sound of his heart....he was so incredibly strong...he seemed so amazingly healthy. I truly believed he would out live me. To have him drop dead at 36 seems so wrong. I feel so cheated.

We had so many dreams and plans. We were going to have babies...I wish I could have had his baby...I was waiting to test when he died...I hate those negative pregnancy tests. I know I would have always been scared that our child would have inherited his heart issue, but still I wish I could have his baby with me now. He knew he wanted to be a daddy since he was a teenager. I am so grateful he got to be a stepfather, but I truly wish he could have experienced the joy of holding his baby in his arms.

[CraigM]

I know what you mean, Lina. I don't grieve for Jan, but for myself, and for her family. Her parents who were so devastated. They both passed away a long time ago. And for her older sisters and brothers, who still feel her loss too.

I remember feeling physically after she died like my heart had been ripped out, that if I looked down I would see the hole in my chest. And I've been feeling like half of me is missing .. I feel the place inside me where she should be. In the last couple of days I've been thinking of all the things I missed with her, and telling her. One is that I missed seeing her as a mother, she would have been such a wonderful mother, and I missed seeing her with our child inside of her.

I know your Arthur is ok, wherever he is. Sometimes I feel Jan looking at me with such peace, wisdom, and complete understanding, and I never doubt that she is ok.

Craig

[MartyT]

Lina, dear ~ You might want to read the posts in this thread: Crying

[kayc]

It is so true, we cry for ourselves, not for them, because they are free from pain and suffering, it is us who are left behind that now suffer.

Please give yourself permission to cry, it is not weak, it is the release valve on the pressure cooker of our new life. We have to let it out! You are right, in the beginning we are in shock, maybe that is a protection until we are better able to start handling it, I don't know. Try not to think about the rest of your life, it helps to just deal with today, tomorrow is too much on top of today.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[widower]

I have cried almost every day since she passed (nearly a year now). It's not that I want to or try to (usually), but neither do I try to avoid it (usually). And the weird part is I'm not sure if I want this to change or not. Generally I do, but often I think why should I? How can I think of everything that happened and her being gone and not cry? What kind of heartless SOB would I be then? I feel like I cannot "win" on this.

Re who we're crying for, I cry for us both, frankly. I guess mostly for me but also her, how she suffered so much and fought it so bravely and selflessly, never complaining, only to lose her battle at far too young an age.

[kayc]

There's nothing wrong with crying...and there's nothing heartless about stopping...sometimes the tears just dry up, esp. when you've done it so much and it's changed nothing, you can get kind of numb after a while.

[widower]

I guess I'm still waiting for that. If anything I think I was "numb" initially to an extent, but the crying has always been there, and I'm not much of a crier. I'm just so tired of this. Tired of the pain, of regrets, of being so damned alone. We had no kids and frankly if I died right now no one would even know for who knows how many days, and it wouldn't impact anyone's life. It seems like life's cruel sense of humour has reached new depths. Lord knows I'm very far from perfect, but I don't think I deserve this, day after week after month after year. It's not living. It's existing, and only grudgingly. I'm sorry to ramble but I'm at such a loss.

[CraigM]

I know the feeling, widower.

Craig

[Lina]

I still have numb times, but I also cry everyday. Arthur has been dead for seven weeks and I already feel exhausted by all the pain, grief and loneliness.

I am so sorry you feel so alone. *hugs* I wish there was some way I could help.

I worry about what would happen if I died. I am very blessed to have my mom still alive. I have arranged for her to contact me almost every day because I have this fear that I will die and my pets and daughter will be here alone with my body. I have also told Sophia how to call for help, but it still scares me. There is something about losing someone that makes your own death seem a lot more possible.

*hugs*

[kayc]

I have kids but they live too far away to check on me and are busy with their lives. My neighbor and I check on each other...I would hate to die and no one notice my pets need cared for!

Widower, I am sorry, I know how hard it is early on. To some extent it gets better, but in some ways it doesn't...it's more that we have to adjust to it and learn to cope, and it's very very hard...way too lonely. The being lonely and seeming lack of purpose seems to be the two biggest things to me...on top of missing him and all of the things he did that I can't and cutting our income in half. Some days I feel I have too much on my shoulders, but I try to take it a day at a time and only deal with what I have to and that helps.

[widower]

I'm sorry for all of you and the crosses you bear and being able to relate to what I'm saying at all, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Having a neighbor check on you is a good idea. An ex-neighbor and I do that here and there but I have a dog as well and didn't think what might happen to him if something happened to me. I might ask this person to say let's make it an arrangement to have no more than a day or 2 go by to check on each other.......

[CraigM]

I can see how hard it is for you right now. Just know that you're not alone, even if you feel you are. Are there any support groups near you? I know how hard it can be to seek support, but I also know that having it makes all the difference in the world. Even just being able to talk to people who will listen and understand can make you feel like some of the weight has lifted, and make it feel a little bit easier.

[widower]

If you mean me, I have done "groups" as well as 1 on 1 counseling (etc). Yes it's helped but it's kind of like going from $10 million in debt to $6 million in debt. Sure it's better, but......... anyway I do appreciate the idea.

[clare]

The tears do clean...a little bit at a time...clare

[kayc]

Widower,

We've also supplied each other with our kids' phone numbers (none of them live close by). Yes my greatest concern are my pets if anything happens to me. People left behind can figure out what to do but pets are so dependent on us, I'd hate to think of them trapped inside with nothing to eat, no water, and no one stopping by.

Clare,

Yes tears are healing. It's so important to express ourselves and not keep all of this inside. It helps to write how we're feeling, here, in a blog, a journal, or letters to our loved one. I think we've all figured out that there is no overnight cure, in fact, this changes us for life.